Barefoot

by Ruth Patterson

  It was nearly six when they arrived. The café and shop were closed, the gravel car park empty. Toni saw Cal at once, speeding away over the field on a quad bike towards some cattle.

  Debs was bent over with a dustpan and brush in the doorway to the café and looked up as Arabella jumped down from the 4 x 4. ‘I’m sorry. We’re closed now.’

  ‘That’s fine. I have no intention of buying anything.’ Arabella slammed the door.

  Debs stood up, puzzled, then she recognised Toni. ‘I don’t think it’s such a good idea you being here. Cal’s busy right now.’

  ‘This isn’t a social call,’ Arabella snapped. ‘Is your husband around?’

  Debs put the dustpan and brush down and looked from Toni to her mother, clearly worried. ‘He’s pretty busy right now. Is there something I can help with?’

  Arabella wanted her showdown. ‘I need you both to hear what I have to say.’

  Debs gave in. ‘Well, in that case you may have to wait for a few minutes while I find him,’ she said politely, then disappeared round the side of the café.

  All Toni’s attention was on the quad bike now. It had stopped while Cal was opening a five-bar gate.

  Don’t come back. Don’t!

  Arabella stood looking around the farmyard with contempt.

  Cal was back on the quad bike.

  Now it was turning.

  Now it was heading back in their direction.

  Toni felt sick.

  Debs reappeared with Matt and he went in for the attack immediately. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

  His wife put a hand on his arm. ‘Take it easy, Matt. Let’s hear what she has to say.’

  He folded his arms. ‘You’ve got five minutes. I’m a busy man.’

  The quad bike was nearing the gate now. Toni could see Cal’s alarmed face.

  Arabella had to speak up to be heard over the engine.

  ‘Where exactly was your son last night?’

  Matt looked impatient. ‘How do I know? He’s nineteen, for God’s sake.’

  ‘And Antonia is fifteen. Too young, I’m sure you’ll agree, for them to be spending the night together.’

  Debs was horrified.

  ‘He did not spend the night!’ Toni protested. At that moment the quad bike engine had died, and her words rang out.

  Cal hopped off the bike and looked from Arabella to his father. ‘What’s going on?’

  Matt didn’t even turn to look at him. ‘Where were you last night?’

  ‘Out. I got home around ten-thirty.’

  Arabella snorted. ‘Oh, please. Do you really expect us to believe that?’

  Debs spoke up. ‘Actually he did. I was here when he got in.’

  ‘If that was true, perhaps Cal would like to explain why he was still there at seven this morning?’

  Cal fixed her with a steady gaze. Unapologetic. ‘I went over to offer Toni a lift to school.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  Matt suddenly took offence. ‘My son isn’t a liar. And if my wife says he came home, he came home.’

  ‘I told you,’ Toni said, bitterly.

  Her mother wasn’t about to be intimidated. ‘Let me say this once more. And for the last time. Your son is not welcome at my yard. He is not to see my daughter again.’

  ‘I’ve had enough of this,’ Matt exploded. ‘Who do you think you are? Your daughter has been nothing but trouble since she first set foot here.’

  Cal stepped forward. ‘Leave it, Dad.’

  ‘No, I won’t leave it. This is still my farm and what I say goes.’

  ‘Your farm. Your farm!’ Cal exploded and Toni took a step backwards in shock. ‘It’s the family farm when you need my help, isn’t it? But your farm when you want to order people around.

  Toni and Arabella had ceased to exist.

  ‘Hey, you guys, cool it.’ Debs turned to plead with Toni. ‘I do really think it would be better if you both went now.’

  But Arabella sat down at one of the picnic tables instead, clearly enjoying watching the family drama unfold.

  Matt began to stride away. ‘I’ve got work to do. I’m not listening to this.’

  ‘No, you never do.’ Cal grabbed his arm and wouldn’t let him go. ‘It’s alright for Sam. He’s allowed to go to college.’

  ‘Sam’s different.’ Matt turned to face his son again. ‘He’s got brains. He shouldn’t waste them.’

  ‘And I haven’t. Is that what you’re saying? So it’s OK for me to stay here on the farm and work for you.’

  ‘Why not? It’s good enough for me.’

  ‘And what if I want something different?’

  ‘Messing around with horses you mean?’ He spat in contempt.

  ‘I love horses. Can’t you understand?’ The longing in Cal’s voice was tangible.

  ‘And you reckon that’s going to earn you a living, do you?’

  ‘At least give me a chance to find out.’

  ‘Enough!’ Debs separated her husband and son, glaring first at one, then at the other.

  ‘He never listens…’ Cal began to protest ‘… never… ’

  ‘I said, enough!’

  There was a silence.

  ‘Uncle Joe’s asked me to go to Canada.’ Cal’s words came tumbling out and Toni’s heart froze.

  For the first time he looked directly at her, instead of his father.

  ‘No,’ Toni whispered.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He moved towards her, but she backed away. ‘That’s what I wanted to talk about this morning. I didn’t want you to find out like this.’

  Toni couldn’t take it in.

  Debs obviously couldn’t either. ‘Canada.

  No, you’re not serious. Matt, tell him he can’t!’

  Matt shook his head. ‘You heard your mother. You’re not going.’

  ‘And how exactly are you going to stop me?’

  Matt looked as if he might hit his son. ‘Well, you’re not going to be able to afford a ticket, for one thing.’

  ‘Uncle Joe says he’ll pay for me. It’s just for three months. I can pay him back out of what I earn when I get there.’

  Three months. Three whole months. Twelve weeks.

  Toni couldn’t bear it.

  Arabella stood up. ‘Evidently he doesn’t care that much.’

  Cal looked at Toni as if the others weren’t there. ‘Don’t listen to her, Toni. Just let me explain.’

  She shook her head.

  You’re leaving. What is there to explain?

  Debs begged him now. ‘Please Cal. Your father needs you here. We both need you. Just till the farm gets back on track.’

  Cal dragged his eyes away from Toni. She could see him having an internal battle with himself. ‘And how long is that going to take, Mum?’

  She shook her head miserably. ‘I don’t know. Matt, please, tell him.’

  Matt refused to give an inch. ‘He doesn’t want to be here. He’s made that clear.’

  ‘You do have two sons,’ Cal pointed out. ‘Golden boy could always come home from college to help out.’

  ‘Sam’s only got one more year of college to go.’ His mother was angry now. ‘I’m not having him leave.’

  Matt looked defeated. ‘We’ll go under then. It’s going to happen anyway. It’ll just happen sooner, that’s all.’

  ‘I wish it could be different, I really do Mum.’ Cal obviously wanted her to understand. ‘But I can’t work with Dad. He’s never going to let me do my own thing, is he?’

  ‘Things can change.’

  ‘But they won’t, will they?’ Cal replied.

  Debs turned to Toni, gathering the remnants of her pride. ‘I think it’s time you both left, don’t you?’

  Cal reached across and tried to take Toni’s hand. She shrugged off his touch and followed her mother to the car.

  ‘There. Now you see what sort of people they are,’ Arabella said, with great satisfaction as they drove off. ‘You’ll thank me one day.’
/>   They drove the rest of the way home in silence. When they reached the yard Arabella felt in her pocket and pulled out Toni’s mobile. ‘I suppose there’s no reason you can’t have this now.’

  Toni took the phone, feeling numb. There were two texts from Cal already.

  ‘Just let me explain.’

  ‘Please.’

  She deleted them both.

  She’d given him a second chance because she cared about him and she thought he cared about her, too.

  But he couldn’t care. Not really.

  He was leaving her. Just like her father.

  *************

  The next morning, when she woke up, Toni felt as shocked and disconnected as she had after the accident. And, just like then, it was Buster she wanted to be with. Christine was due to arrive at six-thirty, as usual, and before her lesson Toni went over to the field near Hilltop Farm. She found Buster grazing amongst the sheep, looking thoroughly miserable and lonely. At least Arabella hadn’t discovered he was barefoot yet.

  Toni gave him a hug and checked his hooves over carefully. They seemed fine. Slightly split where the nails had come out, but that would wear down soon enough. Fortunately the weather was dry and warm, which would help. If she could get the worse of the transition over with before the autumn, it would be ideal. Toni walked slowly around the perimeter of the field, examining the fencing. She hated barbed wire, but there was nothing she could do about it.

  She concentrated on these details, leaving no room in her thoughts to analyse what had happened with Cal.

  His texts kept arriving.

  ‘Please can we talk?’

  ‘I’m leaving on the 23rd.’

  ‘Please Toni.’

  She didn’t reply. That was how she had decided to deal with it. To act as if he just didn’t exist. She threw herself into riding Grace again, spending hours in the arena, practising the dressage she hated and could tell Christine was impressed by her sudden enthusiasm. But it was all just to keep busy. Anything to stop her reliving the scene and hearing those words again.

  Canada.

  Three months.

  At night, though, sleep refused to come as she couldn’t stop the thoughts circling her mind. So she would lie there and think. And always reached the same conclusion.

  He doesn’t feel I’m worth staying for.

  When she did fall asleep, it was only ever for a few hours, and by four-thirty she would be awake and going round and round it all in her mind again.

  Early on Friday morning, as she lay there, she heard a car on the gravel outside and glanced at her clock. Quarter to five. Too early even for Arabella. Toni sat up, pulling on a hoody over her pyjamas, and opened her door as quietly as she could, then tiptoed down the attic stairs to the main landing. The door to her mother’s room stood open and her bed was empty.

  Toni crept down the second flight of stairs to the hall and, as she neared the bottom, she could hear the murmur of a man’s voice, followed by the strangest sound. She stopped and puzzled over what it could possibly be. It was definitely coming from the kitchen and Toni edged forwards, feeling increasingly uneasy, then hesitated outside the closed door. The sound came again. She recognised it this time.

  Strangled weeping.

  Toni had absolutely no idea what to do. It could only be Arabella, yet she had never known her mother to cry. She reached out her hand and saw it was shaking. She took a couple of slow breaths until she felt steadier, then turned the handle and began to open the door.

  Slowly and quietly.

  Arabella sat in the middle of the kitchen floor clutching Lily in her arms and Toni knew instantly the old dog was dead. As she pushed the door a bit further open it revealed the vet standing watching. He looked up and saw Toni, then shook his head sharply. Arabella was too absorbed in her pain and loss to sense her daughter’s presence at all.

  Toni understood at once. She wasn’t welcome and she blinked back her own tears. She wanted to say goodbye to Lily, too. But, in the face of such overwhelming grief, she withdrew and sat on the bottom of the stairs alone.

  Lily had joined the family when Toni was a baby and they had grown up together. It was Lily who ran at Buster’s heels when she was out hacking, Lily who she cuddled when she was upset. Lily who she watched giving birth to Ben.

  But she had always been Arabella’s dog really. Back in her bedroom Toni allowed herself to cry freely and knew the tears weren’t just for Lily. She wished her father hadn’t left, however miserable he had been. And she wished she had a mother she could share things with.

  She heard the vet drive away and a little later Arabella came up and shut herself in the bathroom. Toni took the opportunity to creep down again and opened the kitchen door slowly. Ben was lying there, whimpering.

  All traces of Lily, including her basket, had gone.

  Fifteen minutes later Arabella walked in and began her morning ritual of making herself a cup of coffee, as if nothing had happened.

  ‘I’m sorry… ’ Toni began awkwardly, but her mother raised a hand to silence her, without turning round.

  ‘We don’t need to discuss it, Antonia.’ She stirred her coffee several times. There were several long moments of painful silence.

  ‘I’ve decided it’s time you began to compete again.’

  ‘I’m not sure if I’m ready,’ Toni said carefully.

  Arabella continued as if she hadn’t spoken. ‘There’s a competition next Sunday at St Peter’s. I’ve already entered you. That gives you a week to get your act together.’

  Lily was never mentioned again.

  ***** Fourteen *****

  Toni did what she was told for two reasons. Her father was away in Boston again and she knew it was an important account. She didn’t want to worry him, assuring him everything was fine when he called. But she also sensed Arabella was barely holding herself together, and it scared her.

  So she had her lessons with Christine every morning and practised religiously every evening. And, when Sunday inevitably arrived, Toni got up at six to wash and groom Grace, then bandaged her legs and tail ready for travelling. Loading her was the only thing left. Jen had always done it before shows in the past. But now it was up to Toni.

  She tried to do it the way she had seen Jen, first leading Grace part-way up the ramp, then turning her back down quickly before she resisted. Each time letting her feel it didn’t really matter whether she went in or not, determined to be as understanding as possible.

  But she was tense herself and communicating that to Grace. The mare became more fearful every time they approached the trailer, and Toni had to lead her back down, again and again.

  Always be patient.

  But patient wasn’t in Arabella’s vocabulary. ‘Why isn’t Grace loaded up yet?’ She strode across the yard, waving her whip.

  ‘I’m doing my best,’ Toni defended herself.

  ‘Well, your best obviously isn’t good enough, is it?’ her mother snarled. ‘You have to show her who’s boss.’ She raised the whip and smacked Grace viciously across the rump with it.

  ‘No. Please!’ Toni tried to hold poor Grace as she shot forward a few paces, then skittered sideways in a panic off the ramp, dragging Toni down with her.

  Arabella raised her whip again.

  ‘Stop it!’ Toni screamed, trying to grab the whip and wrench it out of her mother’s hand.

  ‘This is my yard.’ Arabella was beside herself at the opposition. ‘No one tells me what I can do.’

  Toni positioned herself between her mother and Grace. ‘She’s terrified,’ she tried to reason with her. ‘Can’t you see that? I’ve been talking to her old owners. She was in a trailer accident.’

  ‘Well, she needs to get over it,’ Arabella spat. ‘Now get out of my way so I can teach her a lesson.’

  ‘No.’ Toni was defiant. ‘I won’t.’

  Arabella raised the whip again. ‘In that case I’ll use it on you.’

  ‘Drop that right now!’ Toni’s father str
ode over the yard and tried to force the whip off her.

  ‘What are you doing here? You’re meant to be in Boston.’

  ‘The trip got cut short. What the hell’s going on?’