Land of My Dreams

by Norma Gail

Bonny headed upstairs, knowing she had made an enemy where she hoped to make a friend.

  “It’s not your business, Mother. Leave me alone.” Bonny heard his angry reply when his mother knocked and bit her lip hard enough to hurt as Maggie knocked on her own door.

  “May I come in?”

  She opened the door wider and stepped aside, knowing her eyes must look red and swollen.

  “I brought tea to warm you.” Maggie’s steel-blue eyes mirrored those of her son. Setting down the tea, she walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower, speaking in a whisper. “What happened? You promised not to hurt him.”

  Bonny reached for a tissue. She had to make his mother see her love for Kieran. “Maggie, I love him, but we have to agree where our faith is concerned. Now he’s so angry ...” She perched on the edge of the bed, but stood again, unable to stay still.

  “How do you disagree?” Maggie’s voice sounded as cold and biting as the wind picking up outside.

  Bonny clasped her arms to stop trembling. “He claims he’s a Christian …”

  “Of course he is.” The maternal claws came out in defense of her son. “It’s not unusual to struggle with doubt after what he lost.”

  Bonny repeated Kieran’s words, hiccupping and sniffling. “The man I was engaged to before claimed he was a Christian, but he deserted me for another woman the day after my father’s funeral. To lose Kieran would tear my heart out. I thought the time in choir and church might help him. A moment ago he admitted lying to me.”

  Maggie’s eyes sparked with the passion of a mother protecting her child. “My son isn’t perfect. I told you I saw too many differences. Perhaps you should end it now.” She paused, and a shadow passed over her face.

  Bonny hiccupped as she nodded. “I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone, but he’s angry with God, and refuses to accept the deaths of Bronwyn and the baby. We can’t have unity in our marriage if he won’t forgive God.” She massaged the uncomfortable knot in her throat. “He said to stop praying for him, that everything I thought was change was actually lies. True love can’t exist without trust.”

  “He admitted he lied?” Maggie’s jaw muscles clenched, and her hand brushed Bonny’s shoulder as she passed, shutting the door with care.

  Kieran came downstairs before Bonny, and his mother pulled him into the small parlor, shutting the door. “What happened between you two? I heard a young woman say she was willing to put your relationship with the Lord above happiness for both of you. Yes, you’ve struggled, but I had no idea you doubted everything.”

  White-hot anger rose from deep inside. “Ach, Mathair, I won’t have you sidin’ with her.”

  She grasped him by the shoulders, blue sparks flashing from her eyes. “Kieran, if you don’t believe all of God’s word, you don’t truly believe. Don’t hurt both of you by clinging to the past and your anger.” She laid her hand on his cheek.

  All he needed was two of them preaching at him. “She told the truth. I have reason to doubt God, but she won’t rest until I become a specimen of perfect Christianity.” He slammed the door on his way out.

  Bonny and Kieran sat in silence as Hamish explained the pastor’s request for them to sing for the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day services. He and most of the choir had the flu. Kieran turned from the window where he stood staring into the night. “We haven’t practiced since the program two weeks ago, and we don’t have an accompanist, though we can accompany each other for our solos.”

  “Didn’t you bring CDs so you could sing for us? Would they help you?” Hamish had called Kieran and Bonny down from their rooms, where they vanished as soon as dinner was finished.

  “We did.” Kieran turned to Bonny. “Will you do it for my parents?”

  The heartbreak in her eyes was his fault, and he gentled his tone. Her struggle to maintain control was obvious.

  “I can if you can. We’ll have to spend tomorrow practicing.”

  Kieran approached her, remembering how close they had grown singing together. “Perhaps we should start now, unless ...”

  Before he reached her, she turned and headed up the stairs. “I’ll bring the CDs.”

  Taking his arm, Maggie asked, “Can you do this?”

  He nodded. “She will do her best, and I’ll do it for you.”

  Bonny headed for the grand piano in the guest parlor, her eyes on the floor. “We need to warm up our voices.” She seated herself on the piano bench, flexing her fingers before playing a scale or two.

  When she began warming up, Kieran saw his mother turn to his da, her eyebrows raised in surprise when he joined in. Both of them applauded the moment they ceased. Hamish crossed the room and put his arm around Bonny. “You have a lovely voice my dear, have you considered singing professionally?”

  Her cheeks turned an attractive shade of pink. “Oh no, I’ve sung at church and school since I was five years old. I enjoy using the gifts God gave me.”

  “You have an exceptional gift,” said Maggie.

  “Thank you. Shall we begin with ‘Silent Night’?” She avoided looking in Kieran’s direction. He cued up the CD and began the first line in Gaelic.

  Maggie and Hamish applauded as the song ended, and Bridget came in from the kitchen.

  Though her face remained solemn, Kieran recognized the appreciation in Bonny’s green eyes. Hamish crossed the room and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Bonny, you must have spent hours working on your accent. You sound as if you were born speaking Gaelic.”

  “I had a good teacher.” Her voice caught, causing Kieran’s heart to lurch.

  “I’ve missed hearing you sing, Kieran,” Maggie said. “Bonny’s voice is the perfect complement to yours.”

  “We should practice at the church in the morning, so you can set the sound levels, Da.”

  He glanced at Bonny, but she only nodded, her eyes remaining on the floor.

  The clock in the entry chimed eleven, and they headed upstairs. Hamish put his arm around Bonny. “You’re a treasure, my dear. We’re very blessed to have you in our home.”

  Kieran started after her. “Bonny…”

  She kept going without looking back. He had to say something. He followed, laying his hands on her shoulders as she touched her doorknob. “Please, talk to me.”

  She pulled away, avoiding eye contact. “All I want to do is go back to Fort William. Since that’s impossible, please let me have some time alone. We have a busy day tomorrow. I should rest.”

  The warmth of his hands lingered as she prepared for bed. Once in her nightgown, she curled into a comfortable chair by the small fireplace, holding her Bible as she prayed for him.

  Kieran never imagined he would feel so alone again, after Bonny said she loved him. Now she might as well be back in America, the gulf between them was so wide. Heading back downstairs, he slumped into a deep leather chair by the fire in Hamish’s office, propping his chin on his hands, prepared for a lecture.

  “I assumed you had come to terms with the Lord when you decided to ask Bonny to marry you. If not, then you’re asking her to settle for something less than God’s design for marriage. You suffered a huge loss, mo balachan, but you aren’t the first man to lose his wife and child.”

  Kieran heard the disappointment in his father’s voice. “Da, I love her, but she expects too much. I quit believing in a loving God a long time ago.”

  Hamish shook his head. “Asking her to compromise her beliefs is not love. As her husband, you will be responsible for her spiritual as well as her physical needs. To carry anger and loss into a new marriage will destroy it. What if she clung to her former fiancé the way you cling to Bronwyn?”

  Kieran buried his face in his hands to avoid his father’s eyes. “I’ve tried, Da, for two years. God abandoned me a long time ago. He quit listening to my prayers. She can accept me with my doubts or forget it.”

  Hamish shook his head. “Your behavior has forced your mother to side with Bonny. She now recognizes a bigger
problem than an American background. Faith is not a feeling, mo balachan, it’s a decision—a decision to leave self behind, to leave ‘why’ behind, and choose to believe God.”

  Unable to sit still, Kieran stood and turned his back, feeling like a lad caught in a lie. “I love Bonny, but I can’t move past Bronnie’s death. I can’t ...”

  “Then your lack of belief is nothing more than stubborn pride and rebellion. Many people have lost more than you. It will destroy you.” The solid warmth of his father’s arms coming around him shattered his last shred of control.

  His entire body began to shake with sobs. “Da, help me. I can’t lose her.”

  His da’s hands moved to his shoulders. “Dear Father, thank you for the joy and love Kieran has brought to his mother and me. Help him as he struggles to surrender his burden of pain and anger. If it is your will for him to marry Bonny, enable him to grow into the man of God you created him to be. Amen.”

  “I can’t …”

  Hamish stepped back. “Then perhaps you’re not giving it to God with your whole heart—believing. When you do, the burden will lift, and the Holy Spirit will enable you to do what you’re powerless to accomplish on your own.”

  Hamish walked out, closing the door behind him. Kieran watched as the fire burned down to embers. The answer was clear. He must change if he expected Bonny to marry him.

  He walked to the window, staring out into the snowy night, then picked up his father’s Bible and read the passages Hamish had written on a notepad for him. Filled with an intense longing for peace, he asked God to open his eyes, and heighten his understanding, giving him the power to obey. He chafed at the chains of anger, rebellion, and depression, which refused to release him from their grasp.

  “God, help me.” The sound of his own voice startled him, and in the silence, he made a decision. He was not going to lose her. I will continue to sit with her in church and sing in the choir, whatever it takes to keep her love. Maybe when she is mine I can believe. I won’t feel so angry when I can go to sleep and wake up with her by my side.

  Chapter Twenty-three: Nollaig Chridheil

  Ohhh”—Bonny let out a breath as they entered the church.

  Rich, dark woodwork and deep red carpet contrasted with the lighter gray stone walls and columns. The small amount of light that escaped the clouds filtered through two floor-to-ceiling stained glass windows at the front. A large, gold cross was suspended in between them, and rustic lanterns hung from a ceiling of rough-hewn timbers.

  “It’s the church I dreamed of … It’s charming.” She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her coat.

  “Aye.” Kieran laid a tentative hand on her right shoulder. “It makes you want to stand quiet and humble before God.”

  Her eyes questioned as he placed his other hand on her left shoulder, turning her until she faced him. “Bonny, I’ve broken the promises I made to you. I am so sorry. Will you listen?”

  Pulling off her coat, she moved into a pew, and he slid in beside her, relieved she didn’t resist when he reached for her hand. “Da spoke to me last night, and God did too. I went to bed at three this morning. My rebellious attitude toward God caused me to hurt you and everyone I love. I was wrong and cruel when you tried to help me. Darlin’ lass, I should have learned from the faith you have turned to in your own pain. Please forgive me?”

  She moved closer, laying her hand on his cheek, but when she began to speak, he put his finger to her lips, feeling a twinge of guilt. He had lied about his faith once again, but his intentions were good. “Let me finish. I prayed last night, asking God to change my heart. Now I ask you to forgive me.”

  A gleam like sunshine on snow danced in her eyes. “I already forgave you.”

  He smoothed the soft, copper tendrils from her forehead. “Tha gaol agam ort, mo chridhe. I promise to learn to love you as God wants me to. I’ll devote myself to your happiness and spiritual growth.” When he put his arms around her, she showed no resistance.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, before hiding her face against his chest.

  He was concentrating on kissing the tears from her cheeks when Hamish slammed the door and called out, “Are you ready to get busy?”

  “We’re ready,” Kieran answered back. “We don’t have much time, and we need God’s help. Da, will you pray?”

  He gave his parents a thumbs-up when Bonny turned to dig for a tissue in the bottom of her purse.

  It was no easy task to blend their music with a choir decimated by illness. Kieran studied the music at the piano while Bonny and Maggie worked in the kitchen. “Bonny, love, I need your opinion. You‘re much better at sight-reading, and we need to see how it sounds.”

  “Go on, you belong in there with him.” Maggie took the towel and sent her into the parlor.

  Bonny had different ideas, but when he committed to taking the lead, she refused to interfere. Taking a seat next to him and leaning against his shoulder, she thanked God for his changed attitude.

  The snow began falling again in earnest before time to leave for the Christmas Eve service. Hamish suggested they hitch up the sleigh. He drove, with Maggie in front beside him while Kieran and Bonny cuddled in the back with warm coats and heavy sheepskin lap robes. They rode through the silent, snow-covered hills, holding each other close, overwhelmed by love and the allure of a nighttime sleigh ride.

  Wearing her emerald green dress as she stood next to her kilted Highlander, Bonny knew the emotion of their own full hearts came through in their music as never before.

  Reverend Sinclair clapped Kieran on the back. “We’re truly blessed. You two did a lovely job. Kieran, it will be a terrible mistake if you let this lass get away.”

  Christmas Day dawned sunny and cold. Bonny snuggled into the warm wool of the new Fraser tartan outfit which Kieran insisted she open early. She stood in front of the cheval mirror and admired herself.

  When she went downstairs, Hamish stood in the foyer waiting for the others. “What a lovely lassie you are. Merry Yuil, my dear.”

  “Thank you, Hamish, and Merry Yuil to you also. My dad would have loved this.”

  He put his arm around her and squeezed. “You must miss your parents today. How can we help?” His voice, so similar to Kieran’s, was fatherly and reassuring.

  “You’ve already done it, and more besides.”

  The snow-covered hills and silvery gray of Beauly Firth created the perfect Christmas card setting as they made their way to the church. The Land Rover was easier, warmer, and faster, but Kieran had convinced his father the sleigh had romantic benefits. Bonny snuggled into his arms as they glided through the glittering snow, the bells jingling on the harnesses.

  She greeted people before the service with “Nollaig Chridheil,” in close-to-perfect Gaelic. Once she managed, “Nollaig Chridheil agus bliadhna mhath ur,” Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, with only minor mistakes. Her tongue was learning to cooperate with the odd sounds. She marveled at words with unpronounced letters and sounds not even spelled out in the word.

  She overheard more than one suggestion for Kieran to marry her and keep her in Scotland. He flushed red each time, but she was unable to read his expression.

  “Two people committed their lives to Christ following last night’s service.” Reverend Sinclair approached them before the service, insisting on delivering his Christmas message in spite of the flu.

  As they sang, Bonny’s heart filled with thanks to God for the man whose voice and heart blended so perfectly with her own.

  After a stirring sermon on living Christmas every day of the year, they headed home. She and Kieran were oblivious to everything but each other’s voices, the warmth of each other’s arms, and the oneness of their hearts’ longing.

  The large parlor felt warm and cozy as they gathered around the glittering twelve-foot tree. Maggie served them generous pieces of Bonny’s tea ring, along with steaming cups of tea while they sat in front of a roaring fire, trying to get warm after their chilly ride home.r />
  Kieran held up Bonny’s framed photo for his parents to see. “I’ll treasure the picture of my bonnie lassie in the purple heather.”

  He surprised her with a diamond cross on a silver chain. “Oh, Kieran, the tartan was enough. This is so beautiful.”

  He caught her in his arms while they prepared for dinner, fingering the cross at the base of her throat. “It suits you. Small, delicate, and very precious.” Drawing her into an embrace, he kissed her under the mistletoe until she was breathless.

  Maggie swished past on her way to the kitchen with the tea tray. “Enough, you two. I’ve seen teenagers behave with more maturity.”

  “I feel like one, Mother.” He kissed her again to prove his point.

  “Go visit with your dad,” Bonny said with a gentle shove. “I’m going to help your mother wash the dishes.”

  Maggie set the last china plate in the drainer for Bonny to dry, and pulled off her rubber gloves. “I apologize if I’ve been a wee bit harsh with you. I appreciate what you’ve done for Kieran. You were very gracious to help with the music. I don’t know when I’ve heard two voices so perfectly matched.”

  Bonny knew her cheeks must be red, but there was a sudden rush of warmth in her heart. “Thank you, Maggie. I’m glad to help. I won’t forget what you and Hamish did for Kieran last night. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I appreciate you opening your hearts and home to me.”

  A hug from Maggie was the last thing she expected. “Having you in our home this Christmas has brought tremendous blessing. I won’t lose him, if you two decide to marry, will I?”

  Bonny put her hand on Maggie’s shoulder. “If I have the opportunity, I promise to make Scotland my home, and the MacDonells my family.”

  Kieran entered the large parlor where Bonny and Hamish sat by the fire discussing America, and took her hand. “I have one more Christmas surprise, so I’m stealing her away from you, Da.”

  He led her to the large wooden door he had avoided before. “My entire world changed the day you showed up at the faculty meeting. I wouldn’t have believed you would be here with me now. Close your eyes, love.”