by Jami Denise
"So, what do you have planned today?"
He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, his stomach with the other. A sliver of skin showed at the hem of his t-shirt, and my eyes were drawn to the familiar trail. No matter how mad I got at him, I couldn't help my natural response to him. I loved him, was attracted to him, and wished that we could go back to an easier time.
"I'm moving into the office—for now," he said, throwing me a pointed look. "I can't deal with my mom anymore."
My eyes widened. "Oh, um, but where will you sleep?"
I felt like a first-class jerk. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to move back in and stay in the guest room, but I stopped myself. We weren't getting along, and no matter what, it was harder on the kids hearing us fight all the time.
"Don't worry, Jenna. I have the couch in there. It's only temporary, right?"
"Of course."
He nodded, leaned forward, and pulled me into his chest. "I need to get going."
"Thank you for talking to Macy. I'm worried about her."
He sighed. "Me, too. So, are you going to see Teddy today?"
I nodded. "I am. I'm not working today. I needed a day off."
He kissed the top of my head and stepped back. "I think you do. I'll, talk to you later."
Chapter 16
Sitting in the small office of Dr. Margaret O'Conner was the most intimidating and uncomfortable thing I'd ever been through. Royal's knees bounced uncontrollably, and his jaw jumped and clicked as he tensed and ground his teeth.
It seemed like it had taken forever to get to that point, but once we were actually there, I was scared shitless.
"Okay. I think a good place to start would be for the two of you to tell me why you’re here."
Dr. O'Conner was a very attractive woman in her mid-fifties. Tall, fair-skinned with long russet hair. She looked kind but stern.
"Jenna, would you like to start?”
I cleared my throat, threw a look at Royal, and played with my fingers in my lap. "Um, we're not getting along right now, and a few weeks ago, I asked him to move out.”
It was like acid on my tongue. It sounded so dirty. Awful.
"I see. So you're separated.”
How she could say it so calmly, like it was the most normal thing ever, scared me.
"We're not technically separated. I just needed some time to sort things out, so we're just living apart."
She nodded, jotted something in her little black notebook and then looked up at Royal. "What do you want to gain from these meetings, Royal?"
He gave her a hard look before looking back to me. "I'd like to go home."
"What do you think needs to happen to make this work, Royal? What steps do you need to take to get back to your family?"
He chuckled under his breath. "Isn't that what we're paying you two-hundred bucks an hour for?"
"Royal," I hissed, throwing an apologetic look at Dr. O'Conner.
"My job is to help you find solutions to work through your problems. Only you and Jenna can fix this, Royal.”
He scoffed and turned his head, and I knew that our appointment was going in the toilet quick.
"Jenna, what are you looking to find? What do you want?”
I took a deep breath and continued to twist my hands in my lap. I knew the counseling was the best thing for us but suddenly was afraid of the outcome and the answers I'd get.
"I want my best friend back. I miss the way we used to be, the way we used to talk. I want my husband to love me again. To want me.”
"Is that what you think?" Royal spat, leaning toward me. "You think I don't love you?"
A tear trickled down my cheek—uninvited and unwanted. I nodded, swatted it away with my hand, and looked back at him.
"This is bullshit,” he said angrily, slamming his hands down on the soft leather and standing.
"Royal," Dr. O'Conner said calmly. "Outbursts aren't going to help. We're here to find solutions, not fight. If Jenna doesn't feel safe expressing herself, then you two won't get anywhere.”
I watched his jaw throb as he clenched his teeth and sat back down. There was so much anger and space between us. I just didn't see how we'd ever close the gap.
He rubbed the palms of his hands on his legs, breathing heavily. The silence seemed to go on forever.
"How can you think I don't love you, Jenna?"
"If you do, you have a real knack for making me believe otherwise. I feel needed, like I'm necessary, but not wanted. At all.”
He laughed harshly and looked over at me. "That's how you really feel? Unloved? You think I don't want you?" His voice sounded defeated.
"Yes," I said softly, looking away quickly.
"God, what the fuck is wrong with me," he mumbled under his breath.
Dr. O'Conner crossed her legs, gaining my attention.
"Royal, how does this make you feel, knowing she thought you no longer loved her?"
"It hurts. I'm pissed off. I have no idea why she'd think that. I do love her," he looked back at me, his eyes piercing through me. "I do love you, Jenna. I love you so fucking much.”
Dr. O'Conner nodded. "What caused you to distrust his feelings for you after all these years, Jenna?"
I bit my lip to contain the sob that was fighting its way out of my chest. I wasn't sure how to describe the feeling—what I felt.
"He used to look at me with this amazing, consuming look. His eyes sparkled, his lips twitched. He had a hunger in his eye, like he couldn't stop even if he tried, and he never tried to look away. He'd soak up every inch of me, like sunshine through a window. He hardly looks at me anymore, and when he does, that look's not there. It's been gone for a long time."
I brushed at my face again, the tears having run down both cheeks and my chin. I pulled some Kleenex from my purse and blotted them away.
"Royal,” Dr. O'Conner said.
I chanced a look at him, and my lungs collapsed. His eyes—his beautiful, soulful eyes were red, quaking with the turmoil inside.
"I can't fucking do this," he said after a full minute of staring at me. "I don't know what you want from me anymore, Jenna.”
"I just want you!" I said fiercely. "I want the old us back. I want us to talk to each other again.”
He shook his head, and I could see the anger rising. "I don't know what you want," he said again, fisting his hands on his knees.
"I'd like us to fall in love again. I don't think that's too much to ask," I snapped heatedly.
"The fuck are you talking about?"
"Our sex life, for one. You're not interested—you," I stopped and took a deep breath. It wasn’t something I wanted to say out loud, but it needed to be brought out in the open.
The look on his face was frightening. It was warning me to shut the hell up. "I'm done. This is a bunch of bullshit.”
With that, he got up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The frames on the walls shook with the force, and I flinched, whimpering when I realized what just happened.
He was done. He wasn't even going to try.
"I'm sorry we wasted your time. Thank you.”
I got up and walked out the same door and expected to see Royal waiting for me. I stood there utterly devastated when he wasn't.
* * *
"Mommy," Benji said quietly from in front of the television.
I put down my crossword puzzle and leaned forward. "What's up, Bubba?"
He sat next to me on the couch, folding his legs underneath him, his toy still clenched in his hand. "Um, when are you not going to be mad at Daddy?"
It'd been over two weeks since our appointment with the doctor, and things were still tense. I was still angry at Royal for giving up and not trying harder. He was pissed at me about everything.
"Oh, baby boy," I sighed, opening my arms for him to crawl into. "I don't know. I'm so sorry." And I was. I was miserable. I missed Royal just as much as they did, and that made me angry with myself.
"I want
him to live at our house again. He doesn't like it at work. He told me it sucks there."
I laughed softly, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his arms. "I'm sorry you miss him, sweetheart. You can see him whenever you want, you know that. You can call him whenever you want, too. He's your daddy, and I want you to spend as much time as you can with him. Okay?"
He nodded, but he still seemed so sad. "Hey, what do you say we go for a bike ride tomorrow? I don't have to go to work, so we can play all day. We can ride to the park if you'd like."
"Okay," he answered, sullen and pitiful, and it broke my heart.
"Are you done playing with your toys? We can clean this up and watch movies in my room if you want to. We can have a slumber party."
He jumped up quickly and nodded. "Yes!" he said, pulling both arms back and fisting his hands. "Can we do a picnic party?"
"Of course!"
While he cleaned up his toys, I went in the kitchen and grabbed some snacks. It was typical of me when I was stressed, angry, or sad to indulge in food to rescue me. It was completely self-destructive, but it helped me through the day knowing I'd come home to a freezer full of ice cream.
Finally, I had everything ready, and we made our way upstairs. I popped Puff the Magic Dragon into the DVD player and snuggled up with him. We ate, giggled, and cuddled, and it was the best night I'd had in forever. His soft little boy smell and his hotter than humanly necessary body gave me comfort and peace.
About a half an hour into the movie, the phone rang. It was Royal. I was tempted to ignore it—only because we were having such a good time and I didn't want it interrupted. It was selfish, though, so I answered it against my better judgment.
"Hello," I answered flatly.
"What are you doing?” he asked curtly. It was an odd tone, and I frowned.
“Benji and I are watching a movie.”
"Let me talk to him.” Again, his tone was clipped and a little rude. I should have just let it go to voicemail.
"Okay, but just for a minute.”
He let out a sarcastic laugh. "I talk to him every night, Jenna. Isn't he supposed to be getting ready for bed, anyway? You think I don't know it's his bedtime? He's my kid. Fuck!”
Ugh. He sounded like he'd been drinking. I was pissed. I tried to tell myself daily that I was the one that made him leave, giving him the right to do whatever the hell he wanted, but I never expected him to do it. I honestly thought he'd be as miserable as I was, sitting at his mother's house moping around.
How stupid.
"I didn't say anything, Royal. We're just in the middle of a movie, and I don't want him all riled up. We're already in bed."
"In my bed? You're having a party without me, aren't you?" he asked, his voice soft. There was a bit of a tremble in his tone, and it immediately made me feel bad.
"We're all alone, and he was having a bad night. Don't be upset, Royal, and don't upset him. Please." I finally had Benji in a good mood. If Royal said one damn thing to upset him, I would hunt him down and kill him.
"Give him the phone."
I rolled my eyes and looked down at Benji. "Daddy's on the phone, Baby."
He grabbed for it, ripping it out of my hands and pressing it to his ear. "Daddy! We're having a picnic party! Can you come?" he asked, and I cringed.
It was so innocent—so normal for him to expect Royal to come. I wished I could’ve heard Royal's response on the other line.
"Yeah," he said happily. "We have ice cream and cookies. She let me have chocolate milk, too!” He looked up at me with a bright smile, as if to show me how happy that made him.
"Okay, Daddy. I love you, too. Okay," he said, pausing before looking up at me. "Daddy said he loves you, too, Mommy."
"Tell him I love him too. Tell him to be safe and say good night."
"She loves you, Daddy, and she said I'm 'sposed to tell you be safe and tell you good night. Good night, Daddy."
He handed me the phone, and I hung it up with a sigh. Unfortunately, I hadn't paused the movie, so I worked with the remote and brought us back to the scene we'd left off on and cuddled further into the bed.
I must have dozed off at some point because when I woke up a little later, I noticed that we'd gained a body in our bed. I wanted to be angry when I saw Royal sprawled out next to me, but I just couldn't—not when Benji clung to him for dear life. His arms were around his neck, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
I couldn't help it—I sobbed quietly. I hadn't cried in weeks. I'd held it together, hid it from the kids. But, alone in the room while the two of them slept, I let it go. It hurt knowing we were keeping Benji from something so special to him. He needed his dad. He wanted him there. I felt like such a horrible mother.
* * *
The days began to wear on me—both physically and mentally. I had constant headaches, I couldn't sleep, and I was eating horribly.
To add to the madness, Royal and I were still at each other's throats. He refused to go back to therapy—deeming it a crock of shit. If you asked me, he was being a coward. I was ready to lay all my faults and defects on the table, but he couldn't accept that we weren't perfect.
Again, I was the only one willing to get my hands dirty and do the work. He wanted to snap his fingers and make everything better. It just didn't happen that way.
What scared me the most was the uncertainty. We were at a standstill, and I had no solution to our problem. I loved him, wanted him, and missed him more than anything, but I still needed more. I was knee-deep in a losing battle, and the more I realized it, the more it hurt.
And then there was Macy. It was torture with her home on restriction. She thought it’d all blow over since Royal had never punished her before. Once she realized we were dead serious, she was an all-out bear to be around. I didn't feel sorry for her a bit, though.
I was worried about the risks she was taking with Austin. Although making out with boys was completely expected and normal for a girl her age, it seemed like she was moving a little quick for a girl that had only kissed a boy for the first time a few months before. From kissing to sitting topless on a boy's lap—it just screamed acting out.
I knew how quickly things could get out of hand. When I was young and got carried away with Royal, my clothes were off before I even knew what hit me. Every single time he touched me, it was like my brain turned off and my clothes disintegrated.
I always knew that when the time was right, I'd put the girls on birth control. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that they'd stay virgins until they were married. A mother could hope, though, but I wasn't that backwards. I was a teenage mother. Shit happened. I just never expected the heavy weight in my gut that I felt as I drove her to the clinic.
Young love was so fast and intense that you ended up steamrolled before you had a chance to blink. She was at that stage where she just couldn't bear to be away from him.
She would most definitely give in to him. She was desperate to hold on to him—a terrifying thing to discover—and I had no doubt that sooner or later, my daughter would end up losing her virginity to Austin.
It scared the crap out of me, but unlike Royal, I lived in the real world. If it wasn't Austin, it'd be someone else. Royal was in deep denial if he thought she'd take her virginity to the church. We'd been lucky that she'd been more interested in sports than boys up to that point. Sure, she'd had little crushes here and there and went on a couple of dates, but none of them were, well, Austin. He was the one.
The last thought I had that night before my head hit the pillow was that I needed a damn vacation.
Chapter 17
"What do you want for dinner on your birthday, Jenna?" Tara asked, sweeping the hair from around her station.
"I don't know. Maybe we can skip it this year.”
She rolled her eyes. “We’re not skipping it. You want to invite your parents and Sarah, right?”
I cringed. I still hadn't been able to bring myself to talk to her after what Macy overhear
d. “I’m not exactly talking to Sarah right now.”
"I know—trust me. I have to hear all about it. Thanks for that, by the way. I just love talking to her for hours on the phone.”
I shrugged. "Better you than me. I'm so angry with her. As if I don't have enough to deal with.”
Tara dropped the broom and sat down next to my station. "She wants to apologize, Jenna. I know she was totally wrong, and I think she gets it. I don't know what to say to her, you know? I don't want to get all into it.”
I reached over and settled my hand on her knee. "It's not fair to have you in the middle, Tara. I'm sorry.”
She shrugged. "We're all family. We all need to figure our shit out. Give her a chance to talk about it. It'll be good for both of you. She loves you in her own weird, fucked up way.”
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well, she needs to support me, not work against me.”
"So, dinner. Why don't you just make pasta or something? I really like that chicken fettuccini you make with the spinach and Alfredo sauce. That sounds good. I can put together a salad and garlic bread. That's easy enough.”
She smiled. "That sounds good. There's something I wanted to ask you and feel free to say no if you want to.”
"Okay, what is it?"
She looked down, nervous. "Would it be all right to bring Glenn?"
I snorted. "He's always invited, you know that."
She bobbed her head, nodding. "You don't need to have Royal pick him up. He’ll come with me and Lily."
"Wow. I wasn't expecting that. When did this start—not that I'm hating this idea, but are you sure?"
She shrugged one shoulder. She wanted it—them— but she was scared. He could break her again with one word. One single action on his part would be all it would take to bring her down. I couldn't watch that again.
"I think it's great. I'm glad you two are getting along. It's good for Lily." I smiled, supportively.
"We're talking a lot. I've been driving him to his appointments, and it's given us a lot of time alone to talk. It's been nice talking again. You know?"