ClownFellas

by Carlton Mellick III

  “Then I’d have to take off my bow tie. I never take off my bow tie. Not even when I’m having sex.”

  “Do as you’re told,” Spotty said.

  “Can’t we just push him off with a stick or something?”

  Before the argument continued any further, Pinky climbed down the edge of the pier. “I’ll do it.”

  Without jumping into the water, Pinky dangled toward the Scottish clown and kicked his fingers until he lost his grip. McClanky hollered as he dropped into the murky water, sinking like a tricolored bowling ball.

  When Pinky climbed back up and wiped the dirt from his baby-blue suspenders, Spotty looked at Nick and said, “That’s why he’s getting made before you, Nick.”

  Nicky Bowtie leered at the idea. “You think they’d really promote a half clown before me?”

  “You forget we work under Vinnie Blue Nose,” Spotty said. “He only judges people by how they get the job done. And I tell you, Pinky’s going to be the next clown to get made.”

  As they walked back to the car, Nicky Bowtie shook his head. “A half clown getting made in the Bozo Family? That’ll be the day…”

  Chapter 55

  Over at the Rainbow Gardens brothel, the three clowns met up with the other two members of Spotty’s crew: Drips and Zippo. They were the Moretti brothers, two stubby little goofballs who hardly had enough smarts between them to cook a Pop-Tart.

  “It’s about time you guys got here,” Miss Tina said, racing toward them as they walked through the door. She pointed at Drips and Zippo in the background. “The place is in worse shape than it was before these two idiots got here.”

  Spotty inspected his boys’ work. There was smashed furniture and broken glass everywhere. “At least they got all the blood cleaned up. It doesn’t look like a murder scene anymore.”

  “How’s it going, Cappy,” Drips said, saluting Captain Spotty with a blood-soaked mop.

  Captain Spotty just ignored them, trying to figure out how much more work was required. The night before, Jimmy Bozo had shot up the place and killed some sorry sap in the process. It was the job of Spotty’s crew to clean the place and pay for the damages.

  “Have you heard from Vinnie?” Captain Spotty asked Miss Tina.

  “Not since last night,” she said. “Once he calmed Jimmy down, the two of them took off in a hurry. No one’s heard from them since.”

  “And they took the body with them?”

  “I assume so,” she said.

  “I’m sure they’re all right,” Spotty said. He pulled out a wad of money and flipped through the bills until he counted three grand.

  “Will this cover the damages?” he said, holding up the money.

  “It’s a start,” she said, taking the cash and shoving it into her cleavage. “But it doesn’t cover the cost of having this place closed for sixteen hours.”

  Spotty handed over the rest of his money. “Contact Vinnie if you need more. I’ll have people out here to fix the windows within the hour.”

  “You better,” she said. “This place has to look as good as new by the time the sun goes down or there’ll be hell to pay.”

  “I’ll make it happen,” Spotty said.

  A cockroach crawled across his nose. When Miss Tina saw the vermin, she stepped back and gave him a look of disgust.

  “And make sure my girls don’t see any of those little pets of yours,” she said, pointing at the roach with her long shiny fingernail.

  Spotty turned to his crew and smacked his hands together. “Okay, boys. I want this place spotless within the next three hours.”

  Drips and Zippo tipped their oversized clown hats at him, knocking over the mop bucket in the process. Spotty shook his head at them.

  “You can count on us,” Zippo said.

  “Don’t worry about a thing, Cappy,” Drips said.

  The Moretti brothers were hard workers and as loyal as any clown could be, but they were absolutely ineffective at doing anything other than clowning around. If their father, Beano Moretti, weren’t a high-ranking member of the family, Spotty never would have let them join his crew.

  As the others got to work, the madam of the house took Pinky Smiles into the back.

  “Hey, where’s Pink going with Miss Tina?” asked Nicky Bowtie. “He was just saying how in love he was with Taffy Bozo. Now he’s getting into bed with some old whore?”

  “Don’t be an idiot, Nick,” Spotty said, handing him a broom. “They’re not doing what you think they’re doing.”

  “It sure looks like it to me.” Nick pointed at Pinky wrapping his arm around Miss Tina’s waist as they went through the door.

  “I highly doubt they’re the incestuous type.”

  “Huh?”

  “You didn’t know? Pinky Smiles is Miss Tina’s son. He’s probably just telling her the good news.”

  “Really…,” Nick said. “He was raised by a whore? Makes me feel kind of lucky my parents were only restaurant owners.”

  Spotty gave Nick a look. It was the look he always gave him, telling him to show a little more respect. Nobody called Miss Tina a whore in her own establishment.

  Chapter 56

  The second they were in private, the madam lost her statuesque posture and went right into excited-mommy mode.

  “Oh wow,” Miss Tina said when she saw the ring. “That’s gorgeous.”

  She took the ring from his hand and held it to the light of the crystal chandelier hanging over her desk.

  “I’m asking her tonight,” Pinky said.

  Tina gave her son a big hug. “She’s going to say yes. I just know she is.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t know…”

  “What don’t you know? You two make the perfect couple.”

  “Well, it’s just that the guys were saying her father probably won’t allow it.” Even though his words seemed glum, he still smiled while saying them.

  “Jojo? That old clown better not object to your wedding or he’s going to have to answer to me.” She rubbed her big round nose against his pink cheek. “That man can’t make it one week without visiting my establishment. I wonder how he’d manage if he were banned for life.”

  Pinky nodded. He knew it wasn’t something he should be worried about. Jojo was a stubborn clown, but he wasn’t anywhere near as stubborn as his daughter. If Taffy wanted to marry Pinky she would eventually get her way.

  “Spotty was also talking about how he thinks I’ll be promoted soon,” Pinky said. “Once I’m made, I’ll be set. I’ll be able to give Taffy the life she deserves.”

  Miss Tina smiled at her son and gave him another hug. “I’m so proud of you, Pinky. I know it wasn’t easy for you, growing up in this place.” She rubbed a finger gently down his half-painted cheek. “Always getting picked on for being a half clown, never knowing who your father really was…”

  “I had a great childhood, Ma,” Pinky said. “Who needs a father, anyway? When I lived here, I had twenty mothers. And every single one of them was tougher than any man I’d ever known.”

  Miss Tina smiled at her son. “You always see the bright side of everything. How the heck did you turn out that way? You sure didn’t get it from me.” She pulled licorice sticks out of her hair and let the beehive hairdo fall down in long emerald-green locks.

  Pinky looked down at a picture on his mother’s desk, taken fifteen years ago when he was just a child. He hadn’t looked much different when he was a kid, with his cantaloupe-colored hair and pink Caucasian skin. His only clown features were the rosy circles on his cheeks, pointy green eyebrows, bright-blue lips, and the red dot on the tip of his nose. He looked more like a fast-food mascot than a clown.

  “Of course I got it from you,” Pinky said.

  “You’re a terrible liar.” She kissed him on the cheek. “Come on. Let’s break open a bottle of champagne.”

  “It’s not time to celebrate yet. She needs to say yes first.”

  “Just the fact that you’re asking her is enough cause for a
celebration in my book.”

  “But I’ve got work to do.”

  “Oh no. You’re not lifting a finger here. I’ll be damned if I let the Bozos force my son to clean up the mess they made of this place.”

  She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him out of the room.

  “I’ll just help out a little bit, then,” Pinky said. “I don’t want to let Spotty down.”

  Chapter 57

  When his mother went into the kitchen, Pinky grabbed a broom and swept a pile of glass into a dustpan. Spotty was on the other side of the bar, explaining to Drips and Zippo how to organize the furniture for the eighth time. Nicky Bowtie was lying in a booth, reading a newspaper, pretending to be looking over the instructions on how to assemble the new bar stools that just arrived.

  As Pinky swept up the floor, the front door flew open as if by a gust of wind. When he turned to look, there was a clown standing before him. He seemed to appear out of thin air. The jester wore all black with gray makeup. He hardly looked like a clown at all. He looked more like a grim reaper.

  “Sorry, this place isn’t open,” Pinky told the dark clown. “You’ll have to come back later tonight.”

  The clown in black did not respond. He just stood there, looking carefully at Pinky, examining his every step. Despite the wide smile painted over the clown’s lips, his face was expressionless. His white eyes seemed empty and hollow.

  “Are you Pinky Smiles?” the dark clown asked.

  “Yeah, that’s me. Can I help you with something?”

  The dark clown pulled an envelope out of his coat and handed it to the boy. “This is for you.”

  Pinky took the envelope. No matter how intimidating the clown looked, Pinky still couldn’t remove the smile from his face.

  “Thanks,” Pinky said.

  He opened the envelope and peered inside. It wasn’t a letter, as he expected. It was a card. A playing card. A black joker.

  “What’s this?” Pinky asked, holding up the card.

  But as he looked up, the dark clown was already gone. The front door rattled closed.

  “Huh…,” Pinky mumbled, flipping the card over. Nothing was written on it at all.

  When Miss Tina entered the room and saw her son holding up the playing card, she dropped the bottle of champagne and it shattered on the floor.

  “Where did you get that?”

  Pinky shrugged. “Some clown just dropped it off for me. No idea why.”

  After Pinky tossed it into the garbage, he realized everybody was staring at him. Captain Spotty had the same alarmed expression as Miss Tina. Even Nicky Bowtie was unnerved, dropping the newspaper to his feet.

  “Mr. Pogo…,” Nicky said.

  “Who?” Pinky asked.

  “Is it really a black joker card?” Drips asked. “I’ve never seen one before.”

  Both Moretti brothers went to the trash bin and looked down at the card. Zippo poked it with the end of his broomstick.

  “What’s the black joker card?” Pinky asked.

  His mother stared at him with shaky eyes.

  Captain Spotty went to his underling and sat him down. “This isn’t good, kid.” No matter how dire the look on Spotty’s face, Pinky still seemed in his same happy mood. “The black joker is the calling card of Mr. Pogo, the most deadly contract killer in all Little Bigtop. Receiving this card means that somebody put a hit on you.”

  Nicky Bowtie leaned in behind Pinky, bumping into his back. “They say that anyone who’s ever received a black joker has been whacked exactly twenty-four hours later, without fail.”

  “What’s that mean?” Pinky asked.

  “It means you have only a day left to live,” his mother said, tears flowing down her rosy cheeks.

  Pinky didn’t know what to say. He assumed they were just joking with him. So he did what he always did: gave them a big cheery smile and laughed out loud.

  Chapter 58

  Once he finally came to terms with the reality of the situation, Pinky Smiles had to figure out what he was going to do next.

  “Everyone who’s ever gotten a black joker always makes the same moves,” said Captain Spotty. “They either try to escape town or try to take on Mr. Pogo once he comes for them. But there’s no escaping Mr. Pogo. He’s got some kind of sixth sense or something. He’ll find you in twenty-four hours no matter where you go or where you hide. Take a plane to a deserted island, he’ll already be there waiting for you under the sand. That’s how he is. He’s not just a killer, he’s like some kind of force of nature.”

  “And there’s no way to fight him neither,” said Nicky Bowtie. “The guy’s bulletproof. Nobody’s been able to take him on and survive more than five minutes.”

  His mother was behind the bar, pouring herself a glass of wine. She didn’t know how to react to the situation. Even in her son’s line of work, she had no idea who would ever want Pinky dead.

  “There’s only one way to stop this,” Spotty said. “You’ve got to get the hit called off before Pogo comes for you.”

  “But that’s the thing,” Pinky said. “I have no idea who would put out a hit on me. I don’t have any enemies.”

  “Are you kidding?” Nick said. “You’re a half clown and next in line for a promotion. You know how many people in this family will want to stop that from happening? I put my money on Jimmy Bozo.”

  “If Jimmy Bozo has anything to do with this I’ll kill him myself,” Miss Tina said, gripping her wineglass tight enough to crack it.

  “I’ll talk to the boss,” Spotty said. “If anyone from the Bozo Family put out the hit, he’d likely know about it.”

  “Unless somebody doesn’t want him to know about it,” said Nicky Bowtie.

  “If anyone went behind the boss’s back on this there’s going to be hell to pay.”

  Pinky thought about it for a minute, trying to figure out who could possibly kill him. There was only one person who came to mind.

  “You don’t think…,” Pinky began, then looked up at his mother. “…that maybe Uncle Jojo is behind this, do you? Maybe because he doesn’t want me to marry his daughter?”

  Spotty shook his head. “I doubt it, kid. You haven’t even proposed to Taffy yet.”

  “But I’ve told quite a few people,” Pinky said. “Word might have gotten around. What if he wants to stop me before I even get the chance to ask her?”

  The room was silent for a moment as Spotty tried to come up with a game plan. Pinky was his best man. He’d mentored the turk since he was fresh out of high school. He’d given the kid’s mom his word that he’d look after him.

  “We’ll get to the bottom of this, Pinky,” Spotty said. “I’m going to go see the boss and get this straightened out.” Spotty looked down at his cell phone. A cockroach crawled across the screen. “I wish Vinnie would pick up.”

  Pinky stood up from his seat. “Can you drop me off at Taffy’s place on the way? I want to see if she can talk to her father about this.”

  “Sure, kid,” Spotty told him, then he turned to Nicky Bowtie. “You’re in charge of finishing the job here. Don’t disappoint me.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Bowtie whined.

  Spotty gave him a look. “What? You can’t handle a little job like this?”

  Nick just groaned in response and got back to work.

  Before they left, Miss Tina hugged her son and honked her nose against his sweaty pink forehead. “I’ll do everything I can to stop this. Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to my baby.”

  “I’ll be fine, Ma,” Pinky said. “It’s just a misunderstanding. I’m sure of it.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you…”

  The clowns watched the woman cry into her son’s neck. They’d never seen the madam in such a frail state. She was a strong woman, but no mother was strong enough to handle the thought of losing her only son.

  Chapter 59

  When Spotty dropped Pinky off at the Ringmaster Luxury Apartments, the half clown co
uldn’t wait to see his girlfriend again. Once he was in Taffy’s arms she would make all his problems disappear. Even if it was his last day on the planet, it would be a day well spent if he was spending it with her.

  “Taffy?”

  He knocked at the door, but there was no response.

  “Are you there?”

  He knocked again. He wondered if she was still asleep. Because she’d never worked a day job in her life, she usually stayed out all night drinking with her friends and then slept into the late afternoon.

  “Are you awake, Taffy?” He knocked three more times. “It’s important. I have to talk to you.”

  Pinky put his ear to the door. Something was going on inside. He could hear a woman’s cries. It sounded like Taffy and it sounded as if she was being choked.

  Pinky cried, “Taffy? What’s going on in there?”

  She screamed louder, crying for help.

  Thoughts raced through Pinky’s head. Maybe the same person who’d put a hit on him was going after Taffy. Like her cousin, Jimmy Bozo, she was always getting herself into trouble with all sorts of the wrong people—maybe she’d seen something that she wasn’t meant to and somebody put a hit out on her. Then put a hit out on her boyfriend, Pinky Smiles, just in case she told him anything.

  Pinky yelled, “Hold on, Taffy. I’m coming!”

  He slammed his weight into the door repeatedly until he broke through. Her apartment—decorated in fuzzy pink furniture and brightly colored wall paintings of abstract nudes—was a disaster. Clothes and underwear were thrown all over the floor. A lamp was knocked over. Two wineglasses were broken on the kitchen floor.

  “Taffy?”

  Her cries came from the bedroom. She shrieked at the top of her lungs. There was a man in there with her, laughing like a maniac.

  “Get away from her!” Pinky yelled as he ran down the hallway.

  When he broke through the bedroom door, he saw her lying on the bed. The man was on top of her, holding her down.

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Taffy cried.

  When he saw the clown’s fat white butt bouncing in the air at him, Pinky finally realized what was going on. The male clown honked his horn and shot clouds of confetti into the air. Pinky’s girlfriend, the love of his life, the woman he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with, moaned and wiggled beneath the chubby naked man, crying out like she was having the best sex she’d had in her life.