by Lara Swann
I’m about to turn and go, but I pause on the edge of it, still feeling the excitement of the last few days bubbling inside of me. Barkley might not be my first confidant - but why shouldn’t he know?
I’ve met Maddie, I’m planning on keeping her and Leah in my life for good…why shouldn’t I talk about it now?
So I give him a grin instead, and shake my head.
“Not a boat. But there has been something else going on these last few days.” I take a deep breath, and feel my heart flutters as I say it out loud. “Leah showed up again - my girlfriend, from years ago - and, well…I have a daughter. I met her yesterday.”
It feels good just to talk about her - to be able to say I have a daughter. It’s something I want him to know - I want everyone to know. I’m not quite over the wanting to shout it out to the world feeling.
Even if Barkley just stares at me.
I wait long enough that it starts becoming a little awkward, and then I shrug. I wasn’t exactly expecting him to be the most receptive, supportive audience, but still…it was worth it just to say the words.
I have a daughter.
“Maddie.” I say out loud. “Her name is Maddie.”
That breaks the stunned expression on his face, and he sits up sharply.
“What?”
I shrug again, and grin at him. “Yeah, I know. It took me by surprise too, but—”
“Are you serious, Alistair? Is this some kind of joke?” His expression starts darkening, and that breaks off my own grin.
“No.” I shake my head once, decisively. “I know it’s unexpected, but I wouldn’t joke about—”
“Fuck.”
“Hey, this is—” I start, beginning to get annoyed at his reaction.
“This is so fucked up, that’s what this is.” He gives me a disdainful glance that gets right under my skin. “I never took you for the kind of guy to get suckered in by something like that, but—”
“What?” I frown. “Suckered in by what, exactly?”
He raises an eyebrow, his best superior look. “Our business explodes. You get rich. Your face is plastered all over the news, you get profiled by the best gossip mags out there…and then one of your old fucks shows up here claiming that she had your kid? And you believed it?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” I say, letting out an irritated breath. “This isn’t some random hook-up - this is Leah. She’s not playing fucking games. Maddie is clearly mine—”
“Clearly.” He says, the sarcasm obvious. “God, I didn’t even think you wanted kids, and yet here you are - sentimental and stupid and defending this insanity. And what do you think everyone else is going to say, when you suddenly announce you have a kid? That’ll kill your reputation—”
My temper snaps.
“Oh, fuck no. You are not bringing that into…fuck it, I’m not listening to this anymore. Believe whatever the hell you like, but Maddie is my kid, and I couldn’t be happier right now. And anyone without their head stuck up their god-damned ass would be happy for me.”
I turn on my heel, seeing red and too furious to even look at him right now.
“Get a fucking paternity test!”
He calls it after me as I leave, and I slam the office door on that idea.
Mia looks up at me, wide-eyed and shocked, but I don’t even see her as I stalk back to my office, seething with anger.
How dare he?!
Of course Barkley’s reaction would be small-minded and cynical, but going that far?!
Fucking hell.
“Alistair?”
I barely hear Meredith’s concerned tone.
“I want McCaffrey & Co’s accounts on my desk in five minutes.” I snap at her, slamming my own office door as well.
I have a moment where I feel a little bad about it, but then anger swamps it. It’s not like she’s not used to my moods anyway - it’s just part of her job.
Leah’s right. You’re an asshole to work for sometimes.
I can’t bring myself to care right now. Or to sit down. Or look at accounts. Instead, I’m practically tearing up the carpet as I pace around the room, my nerves singing from my conversation with Barkley.
I don’t care about his opinion - it has absolutely no bearing on my private life, and I know how wrong he is. But the insults there…to Leah and Maddie, too…
I’m still throwing dagger glares around the room when Meredith knocks a couple of minutes later - letting herself in without ceremony. I see the papers in her hands, glare at them for a moment, and then spin on my heel.
“I’m going out.”
She doesn’t stop me as I sweep past her, grabbing my jacket and marching down the hall.
Fuck the accounts. There’s no way I’ll be able to look at them without thinking of Barkley, and wanting to punch that disdainful expression off his face.
Chapter Nine
Alistair
Hours later, I’m calm again.
Or, actually, a little on edge.
But for far better reasons this time, as I wait for Leah and Maddie to arrive at my apartment.
Sure, it took a couple of hours stalking around the park to let go of that brief interaction with my fucking asshole partner. That, and letting my mind turn to the time I’d spent there the day before. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably went back there hoping to find them again. Remembering what Leah had said about Maddie dragging her back to that sandbox, and thinking maybe…
But I’m glad they weren’t there, too.
They didn’t deserve to see me in that kind of mood - even if I was pretty sure it would have disappeared instantly on seeing them.
But I needed the time to prepare for tonight, too. And at least this way, I’ve worked through how I’m going to deal with Barkley. Which will mostly involve refusing to talk to him about anything outside business, until the tensions have calmed down a little. I get that this is a shock - of course it is - and damn it, his instinctive response to surprises has never been good. That kind of cautious risk-aversion has been good for our business in the past…but this is different. And it doesn’t justify the things he said, or the way he acted.
And until I get a proper apology, things will be cool between us. That’s how we’ve always dealt with these issues.
I run a hand through my hair and sigh, appreciating Meredith’s distinctively different response yet again.
I know the kind of people I associate with are unlikely to be impressed with this development - Barkley might have been right about that, even if he should never have thrown that in my face - but at least they’ll be respectful about it.
And it’s worth it.
I smile as I think of Maddie again, and even after everything that happened today, I still feel that buzz of happiness that I couldn’t contain earlier. Barkley’s reaction can’t come close to dampening how Maddie makes me feel - and I catch myself smiling as I prepare dinner, laughing at some memory of yesterday, or staring into the distance and wondering what tonight will be like. Hoping it will go well.
I glance around the apartment, and let out a small laugh under my breath.
I’ll be honest - when I invited them around for dinner this morning, I think I had an image of every other dinner I’ve ever done here.
An hour or two talking and sipping wine while I show off my skills in the kitchen and build up to a romantic late-evening meal - the wine slowly taking effect while the night sky over Manhattan darkens, lights twinkling on to create the perfect view from my floor-to-ceiling windows.
Leah’s casual suggestion of eating dinner at six pm turned that on its head. I’d somehow forgotten that, of course, four-year-olds don’t eat dinner at eight or nine pm. And also probably wouldn’t appreciate the elaborately prepared, exquisite food I was planning either.
That called for some hurried research, and a trip to buy something a little more suitable. Though my guess of mac n’ cheese is still only that - a guess. But even though I could’ve asked Leah…I wanted to do th
is myself.
Despite working that much out, when it came to preparing my apartment…my instinct was still to put on some low, classical music and dim the lights to create atmosphere. It was only when I was lighting a couple of candlesticks that I actually thought about what I was doing - and open fire suddenly seemed like a bad idea around a four year old.
So I’d upped the lights again and looked around, forcing myself to look at the place through a kid’s eyes.
The elegantly designed glass-and-metal features that give a sleek, modern finish. The crisp white and black decor that dominates my bachelor pad. The open, spacious feel of the place that my interior designer created through a very minimalist style. And the emphasis on the side of the apartment that looked out over Manhattan.
Everything was the best that money could buy.
But I’d tried to imagine Maddie playing in here…and couldn’t.
For the first time…it seemed boring.
Empty and colorless.
And I wondered what the hell my little girl was going to do when she got here.
Which had spurred the second last-minute trip. This time to a toy store - where I got totally disoriented and lost in all of the different options. I had no idea what she liked. So I bought far too much - games and toys and bean bags - and then regretted my sports car the moment I tried to fit it all in.
I’d never felt more out of my depth in my life.
And now…all I can do is laugh - when I look around my sleek, modern apartment…and see the mad splash of color and boxes and toys set in between my cream leather sofas, on the plush new multicolored rug I bought to make the whole place a little more…comfortable.
I’m not sure it would win any style awards. But maybe I’ll get a few points as a father.
A father…
I’m still thinking about that when the buzzer goes and the camera link displays their smiling faces as Leah tries to point out the camera to Maddie. That creates an almost instant smile on my face, and I press the button to let them in.
“Hey.” I say. “Just take the elevator to the top floor - it’s the apartment at the end of the corridor.”
It’s the only apartment.
But I don’t need to say that - and when I’m face-to-face with Leah, all the nice things I’ve enjoyed over the years…sometimes they seem a little too much.
As it is, I still see Leah’s eyebrows rise pointedly, before she opens the door and they walk in.
Then I have another couple of minutes just waiting for them to make their way up to me, and I look over the apartment again, still surprised at how much I’m looking forward to seeing them again. When they finally knock, I’m at least not standing right next to the door waiting, and I walk over to let them in.
The moment I see Leah, though…wow.
I catch myself before I start staring - at the sleek dress that hugs her figure perfectly before flaring out at the hem, pretty splashes of color decorating the white material, and her gorgeous hair curling around her shoulders. She looks almost like the girl I used to know, except…more. Her figure is a little fuller, her cheeks have a warmer glow to them, and in her eyes…a depth that would have been impossible five years ago.
“Hi.” Maddie interrupts - thank god - and I take a step back to let them walk in.
“Hi Maddie.” I smile down at her.
But as soon as she’s inside the apartment, her attention disappears - instead, she lets out a loud gasp.
“Wow!”
She runs straight over to my favorite part of the apartment - the full length windows that show all of Manhattan, slightly curved with the shape of the building - and leans against the glass, splaying her arms out above her and giggling breathlessly.
“Maddie—” Leah starts, but Maddie interrupts as she turns back to look at her Mom and lets out another excited gasp.
“It’s like I’m falling, Mommy!” Then she stares back below her.
“Well, I guess we can assume she’s not afraid of heights, then.” Leah mutters, and I laugh.
Then I turn my attention back to her, drawn by some force that’s impossible to resist.
“You look beautiful.” I murmur, my eyes moving slowly up and down the body I remember so well.
She flushes - I can see it creep up her neck the way it always used to - and doesn’t quite look at me. But there’s a smile on her lips.
“Yeah, it’s a wonderful dress - Emma let me raid her wardrobe.” She laughs and gives a slight twirl, obviously enjoying the material. “I’m afraid the only decoration on my clothes these days comes in various forms of ‘Maddie was here’.”
“I wasn’t talking about the dress.” I say, giving her a slight smirk and leaning in to tilt her chin towards me. “Though you should clearly get one like it.”
She stills at my touch, and I let my hot eyes rake over her, making my meaning more than obvious before I let us break apart - walking back to the marble island in the middle of my open-plan kitchen and giving her some distance.
“Would you like some wine?” I ask, pouring a glass for myself.
She takes a deep breath before she answers, but when she does there’s an element of steel to her gaze. “Just a little.”
I nod, smiling at her and enjoying the way my blood heats as I meet her eyes - the look I see there promising the kind of challenge I’m always ready to take up.
But then I glance over to Maddie again, and take a deep breath. I’m really going to have to cool things down to keep this evening PG for my daughter.
So I hand Leah the glass of wine and make an effort to remain easy and relaxed, letting her look around until the intense air between us softens again. Then she sees my newest purchases in the middle of the couches and looks back at me with one eyebrow raised.
I just laugh. “I thought the place seemed pretty bare for a kid - didn’t want Maddie to get bored. Looks like she’s found her own entertainment, though.”
I nod towards where Maddie has started running across the room, jumping and then sliding across the polished floor in her socks. Leah winces.
“Be careful!” She calls out.
“It’s so slippery, Mommy. Look!” Maddie giggles and turns around to do it again.
“And this was where you thought we should move into, Alistair?” Leah gives me a look of amused exasperation. “With all the sharp glass, hard metal, corners and edges, huh? Not quite my idea of child friendly.”
I wince at that - another thing I didn’t think of. Still…
“I could change it.” I suggest. “I don’t care about the style—”
“Oh, no.” She shakes her head firmly, but she’s still got that wry smile on her face. “That wasn’t an invitation - and you know it. Like I said before, it’s too early and—”
“I know, I know.” I raise my hands. “You were right - it’s probably too soon for any of that. And I’m sorry I pushed about it. I just wanted—”
“Aehhh!”
We both look up at Maddie’s squeal, and my heart does a strange twist-thump-drop until I see that she’s okay - just diving onto one of the bean bags that were a late addition to the otherwise stylish furnishings.
“Look at all this, Mommy!”
I smile as she looks over at us excitedly, and it just gets wider as we walk over with our wine and Leah mutters to me.
“All this stuff…you’re going to spoil her, Alistair.”
“Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” I say with a grin.
“Can I play with these? Please?” Maddie looks up at me with the most adorable hope on her face, and I think my heart melts in its chest.
I bend down and ruffle her hair, smiling. “Of course you can, sweetie.”
She lets out another excited squeal and starts looking through the toys and games.
“Mommy, Mommy…”
“Why don’t you help her open whatever she wants to play with, and I’ll get started on dinner?” I suggest, then look back at Maddie as I remember I meant t
o ask her about that. “Do you like mac n’ cheese, Maddie?”
She nods, distracted enough that I can’t even tell if she heard the question, but Leah doesn’t object, so I assume it’s fine.
“Do you want some help?” Leah says instead.
“No, you and Maddie enjoy yourselves - I think I can make a simple mac n’ cheese by myself.” I smile
Not that I’ve cooked it before, but if I can make a good duck a l’orange, I should be fine with a simple pasta dish.
She gives me a half-uncertain look, but after a moment Maddie’s excitement sucks her in, and I don’t think either of them notice me head back to the kitchen.
I start dinner, enjoying the vantage point of the open kitchen to watch Maddie and Leah as I work. Mac n’ cheese really isn’t the most skill-intensive meal, and usually the lack of things to chop, stuff, fillet or otherwise play with would bore me - but tonight, it just gives me more time to look over at Leah and Maddie laughing and smiling and exclaiming over whatever game they’re playing.
It’s a strange feeling, cooking dinner while watching my daughter playing with…my mind substitutes wife, but I dismiss it immediately. I can’t deal with the hitch in my chest there. But, my maybe-girlfriend. That’s good enough for me. It feels quaint - almost like the kind of middle-class American lifestyle I’ve never been a part of. If you ignore the apartment, anyway.
Unbidden, I start wondering if this is what a family is supposed to feel like - cooking and playing and laughter.
I wouldn’t know.
My dinners came from the long stream of nannies and housekeepers that lived with me while my father was away on business. And when he was back…our conversations largely revolved around what he expected from me - from my life, my future, everything…even at age four.
I didn’t mind. I was proud to hear about our family - the long history of wealth and status. I was excited to think that I was going to reverse that trend of dwindling wealth - that I was going to be the one who struck rich again, who took our somewhat depleted resources and brought our family back into prominence.
And I did exactly that. My father wasn’t around to see it, in the end, but I achieved his dream - a strong, sustainable business that we can be proud of again. He couldn’t. The best he managed was to be a caretaker for the last of our wealth - to pass onto me - and give me the start I needed. I’m forever grateful for that start, but…sometimes I wonder what else there might have been. What there could have been, if my mother had lived, or if my father had been a little less single-minded.