by Lara Swann
If I hadn’t been born with money and status.
“I think that’s probably cooked.”
Leah’s voice beside me interrupts that thought and I glance around at her to see her nodding at the oven - then notice the cheese starting to brown a little too much on top.
“Sh—” I cut the curse short as I glance over to where Maddie is still playing. “Sorry.”
I cut off the heat and shake my head, taking another sip of wine as I pull it out to cool on a rack for a few moments.
“What were you thinking about?” She asks, her head tilted with curiosity as I top up her glass.
She only said a little bit earlier, but she doesn’t object to the refill.
“My father.”
It comes out before I realize I’ve decided to tell her.
“Oh.” She looks at me, clearly surprised.
I guess I never really shared much, in the past - it was one of the problems we had, I think. But now, it feels easy to talk about what’s on my mind, and even more surprising - I actually want to share it.
Maybe because I’m older, or because it feels like I’ve known her so much longer now - or…something else.
“My upbringing…was a little unusual.” I say, shrugging. “I was just wondering if this is what it’s like - to have a typical family.”
Leah looks at me for a moment, then glances around at Maddie, and back at where the mac n’ cheese is cooling on the table.
“Me too.” She says quietly, then gives the room another once-over and lightens the mood with a grin. “Maybe without all the glass and stone around here, though.”
I smile back at her, and she calls Maddie to the table as I serve out the mac n’ cheese - adding broccoli and ham on the side and dishing up a smaller portion for Maddie. We carry it all through to the table, and Maddie’s eyes light up as she sits down.
“I love mac n’ cheese!” She bounces on her seat enthusiastically, as if I hadn’t already told her about it.
I grin. “She’s definitely an appreciative kid.”
We have to practically hold her back from diving in before it’s cooled down, and then we don’t get another word out of her for a good ten minutes.
“Yeah, she’s a good one. I’ve been lucky with that - not sure how I would’ve done it otherwise.” Leah says, and I look over at her.
“I’m pretty sure it’s how you raised her, Leah.” I reach over and squeeze her hand briefly, and she gives me another of those uncertain looks before I turn back to my meal.
“It’s good, Alistair.” Leah says, just as I’m thinking the same thing - much to my surprise.
It’s not the sort of food I usually eat at all - too heavy, and…well…cheap for me, most of the time.
“It is, actually. Not quite what I was expecting.”
Leah stares at me. “You haven’t had mac n’ cheese before?”
I shrug. “I’ve probably tried it once or twice, but, well…”
“You’re usually eating fillet steak and lobster and caviar, right?” She says, caught halfway between teasing and something else.
“Something like that.” I grin. “But maybe kids have better taste than I thought.”
“I guess you don’t usually spend your Friday evenings like this, either - I do hope we’re not intruding on your high-flying night life, here.”
I smile, but she’s got that look where I can’t quite tell if she’s serious or not, or if something is bothering her.
“I’m usually still at the office.” I say easily, and she snorts.
“Of course.” Now she does smile, teasing and impish in a way that makes her eyes shine. “Will they be battering down the door in outrage sometime soon, then?”
“One advantage of being the boss - skipping out as early as I like, when the situation calls for it.” I smile at her, but it fades a moment later as I remember the circumstances I left under today.
I look over at Maddie again, and can feel the memory of that anger in my blood before I shake it off again.
“What’s wrong?” Leah asks, becoming serious as she picks up on my change in mood.
“Nothing.” I say automatically. She shouldn’t have to deal with that crap. “It was just a hard day, that’s all.”
She nods, and her expression turns sympathetic - but before she says anything else, Maddie gives a big sigh and pushes her plate away.
“I’m full.” She announces, and I look over to see cheese sauce all over her face - and all the greens still on her plate.
I stifle a laugh as Leah takes on an outraged expression and begins arguing with her about the importance of vegetables. After a long debate, Maddie agrees to eat them if they’re cut up small enough and hidden in more mac n’ cheese - I’m not sure what happened to full, but I think it disappeared somewhere when dessert came into play.
I’m still thinking about how these negotiations seem to be an entire skillset in themselves, and wondering whether I should start trying to employ mothers to broker deals, when Leah interrupts.
“You could’ve backed me up there.” She mutters.
“Hmm?”
“With the broccoli. Getting that child to eat vegetables is nigh-on impossible at the moment.”
“You seemed to be doing a good job - I’m not sure I quite have the expertise in that area, Leah.”
“Well, you’re going to have to learn.” She grumbles it, but I can see the way she’s looking at me, and my heart flips over at the sentiment.
I want to learn all the parts of this being a Dad thing. And if she’s starting to expect it…I try to quell the hope that flares at that thought.
“Yes, Ma’am.” I murmur back, and her cheeks redden.
She takes another sip of wine, and I’m good enough to pretend it’s just because of that.
We manage to get through dessert without any arguments - what a surprise - and then Maddie looks up eagerly.
“Can I go back and play?” She looks over to Leah. “We don’t have to go yet…do we?”
Leah glances at her watch and hesitates.
“You can stay a little while longer, I’m sure.” I say gently. “I mean, I bet you haven’t even opened all those toys yet.”
Leah sends me a mock-scowl. “We’re not staying until we’ve done that, Alistair, or we won’t ever leave.”
“Oh, really?” I say, smirking with pure innocence, I’m sure. “Well, we wouldn’t want that…”
It gets a laugh out of her - interrupted by Maddie clearly getting impatient.
“Mommy?”
Leah looks over at her and sighs. “Okay, okay. Just until I’ve helped Alistair clear up. And don’t forget to say thank you for the meal, baby girl.”
“Thank you!” She says with the same enthusiasm she sat down with, then bounces out of her chair to where she was playing before.
“You don’t have to help.” I say. “It seriously isn’t any work - go, play with her.”
“Why don’t you?” Leah suggests instead. “You haven’t had much time with her tonight, and you did do…all this…for us.”
She gestures vaguely to the food and the apartment, and my desire to take care of Leah battles with the desire to spend time with Maddie.
“I’ll feel more comfortable if I help.” Leah says, with an honesty that surprises me - and also makes my decision for me.
“Okay.” I finally agree. “But if you need anything, let me know.”
She smiles and nods, and I get up to play with my daughter. It’s a bizarre, surreal experience - this whole thing - but it’s going better than I’d hoped, and I just want to keep it up.
I crouch next to Maddie and ask her what she’s playing, listening as she explains how she’s using the blocks and Duplo to build a home for the soft toy horse because it got hurt in a race. After a few moments, I’m fully involved in the game with her, and we start to build what quickly becomes a home for all the soft toy animals I bought - and there were a lot of them - and I don’t even notice the
time passing until Leah comes back to watch.
“Mommy, look! We made a house.” Maddie says proudly - and I find myself looking up with no small amount of pride too.
Maybe not for building a house out of blocks and Duplo - but for my little girl. And being here to help as she makes whatever she thinks of.
Leah admires the house, and all the individual spaces Maddie has made for different animals - and then starts joining in, asking if Maddie is sure she wants to put the cat right next to the mouse, and getting acting out a chasing scene to Maddie’s squeals of ‘they’re friends, they’re friends!’. I find a dog, and join in the play fight, which ends up with most of the soft toy animals all over Maddie and her wriggling and laughing.
I look up and catch Leah’s gaze as we’re both wrestling Maddie to the ground, and the look of pure joy I see in her eyes only makes me even more certain how much I want this.
I have no idea how much time passes like that, but evidently Leah is a little more aware, and after we’ve extracted more giggles and squeals than I think a little girl could possibly have, she glances at her watch again.
“Okay, baby, I really think it’s time to go now. It’s already late, and we don’t want to be traveling back when you’re sleepy, Maddie - you’ve been playing all evening, I’m sure you’re getting tired…”
“I’m not! I’m not tired!” Maddie objects. “I want to play some more. He has so many toys.”
Leah rolls her eyes at me, but I can’t help laughing.
I take that as success.
“Why do you have so many toys?” Maddie suddenly asks me, looking up with wide-eyed wonder. “Do you play with them?”
I laugh again, and tickle her some more as I wonder what on earth I’m going to say.
“They’re for all the children that come and play here.”
“Oh.” She says, thinking about this for a minute. “How many children?”
I grin and poke her nose. “Well, so far…one. But I’m sure I could find some more.”
“What about Tommy?” Maddie’s head swivels towards Leah, her eyes lighting up. “I want Tommy to come and play.”
I raise an eyebrow at that, and my heart thumps in my chest for a brief moment.
“Who’s Tommy?” I ask Leah.
I’m sure it’s nothing…
“A friend. A friend of Maddie’s from back home.” Her eyes go distant for a moment. “He’s her age and his mother and I help each other out.”
It’s nothing. God-damn it.
And this reaction is completely stupid. I haven’t seen Leah for five years - I’m sure in that time she’s met other guys. It doesn’t even bother me that much - she’s not with them now - but Maddie…if some other guy has been playing like this with my little girl…fuck. The jealousy washes over me before I can stop it, and I have to take a deep breath.
“Please can we play some more. Pleeease.” Maddie is asking, clinging onto her Mom while I’m fighting with myself.
Leah sighs, and I cock my head at her.
“You can stay over here if you want, Leah.” I say, trying to make the offer as mild as possible. “Just if it’s helpful for the night - there’s a spare room and it’s no bother for me.”
She gives me a mocking glance, and I let the grin slip out - we both know full well that it would be no bother for me.
But she looks back over the toys I bought, and the mess we’ve made with Maddie, and after a few moments the corners of her mouth curve up.
“Okay. We can stay, Maddie. But you should thank Alistair—”
“Thank you Mommy!” She flings her arms around Leah and squeals again, and I briefly wonder whether my eardrums are going to survive this discovery I have a daughter.
Then she turns back to me and looks down, almost shyly. “Thank you, Alistair.”
I want a hug, too.
It’s a stupid thought - she’s four, she doesn’t know better, and she’s only just met me. I shouldn’t feel jealous of Leah. But a few minutes ago we were cuddling and wrestling on the ground, and now we’ve gone…formal. It feels like a step back.
I smile anyway, and nod.
“You’re welcome, Maddie.”
Then she’s bouncing off to look at another pile of boxes that we haven’t touched yet, and I wonder yet again what I actually bought.
“Just one night. And just if we need it, okay?” Leah says, and I shift my attention away from Maddie with difficulty.
“Whatever you need.” I say with a smile, and I mean it.
A night. Two. A week. Forever.
All good with me.
Ideally the latter.
“I should let Emma know.” Her face gets the strangest puckered expression at that, and it makes me wonder just what she thinks her friend will say - and hope it means what I think it does.
“I’ll look after Maddie - the spare room I mentioned is just down the hall, if you wanted privacy.”
I didn’t think she would, but to my surprise she nods and walks over to where I indicated.
Okay, definitely going to be that sort of conversation then.
I turn back to my giggling little girl, and something else occurs to me.
She didn’t hesitate to leave Maddie with me, even though it’s only been a day since I met her for the first time. That makes me feel better about not getting a hug.
Things with Maddie will take time, that’s natural, but with Leah…that’s the hard part. And that…that is going a whole lot better than expected.
One day. Two meets. An overnight stay. And a private conversation.
I smile slowly.
* * *
“Okay. Our sleepy little monster is finally in bed.”
I look up as Leah walks back into the kitchen, giving me a relaxed smile.
Our little monster.
That’s all it takes for a matching smile to decorate my face, and I slide her glass of wine over to the other seat at the island. She looks as gorgeous as she did earlier - maybe even more so, with her hair slightly messed up and wild, and the obvious buzz from the evening lighting her eyes. I can’t take my gaze off her - and I don’t even try.
“Mm, I’m not sure I should.”
It takes me a moment to work out she’s talking about the wine, and not the other, more unspoken invitations.
“Maddie’s asleep.” I say softly - and not just because I don’t want to wake her. “You’ve spent all day entertaining her - a bit of down time is a good thing, you know.”
She gives me a wry smile, but shifts onto the high seat opposite me and takes the glass of wine. I try to keep my mind off everything I’d like right now, and safely on how much I’ve enjoyed this evening.
True to form, Leah had been right - and about half an hour after I’d offered to let them stay, Maddie was too tired to continue playing any longer. That didn’t stop her objecting to going to bed, but Leah has obviously had similar conversations for years, and after a little back-and-forth, at least managed to drag Maddie into the room I’ve given them.
Ostensibly so that I could tidy away the toys - but looking at them scattered there, Maddie’s half-built structures and soft toy animals, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. So instead I went back to the wine, and waited for Leah.
“Isn’t that what most Moms do?” I ask. “Get the kids off to bed, and then unwind with a glass of wine?”
“You know different Moms than I do.” She laughs. “And I’ve already had a glass. Or two.”
“Hm.” I consider my own glass - and the second bottle I opened just now. “Is parenting under the influence a bad thing?”
“God, I hope not.” Leah laughs, then stifles it, glancing back towards the room down the hall. “And thank god she’s a good sleeper, when you finally get her down.”
I smile gently.
“Thanks for this, Alistair.” Leah says, after another sip. “Letting us stay over and all. But…”
“You’re not going to make it a habit?” I say, pre-empting her c
omment.
She smiles at that, and shrugs. “Yeah.”
“I get it.” I say. “And I’m trying very hard not to expect anything here - but you can’t stop me hoping, hmm?”
She meets my gaze, and I feel the same spark I’ve never quite managed to let go. From the way her pupils dilate, and her breath catches just slightly - I know it’s not just me.
“I know.” She murmurs, and for once she doesn’t even seem interested in trying to correct me, or tell me why we can’t do anything more. She glances up, almost shyly, and shrugs. “It’s been a really good evening.”
“It’s been a really good few days.” I say, smiling. “I’m glad you came tonight.”
She shoots me another look, wine making her more playful. “Well how could I refuse, when you practically stalked me to deliver the invitation?”
I laugh at that, shaking my head. “I was waiting for you to mention that. But a stalker? Really?”
“Well at least you knew I would.” Her smile turns wry. “Still know me pretty well, I guess. And yes - stalker. How did you find me, anyway? Follow me home? Hire a private investigator?”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “Nothing so elaborate.”
“Mhm.”
“You mentioned where you were staying.” I say, gesturing vaguely.
“I did not.” She frowns.
“Auntie Emma’s. And I think I remembered you mentioning an Emma from your course, years ago. I just had to look her up for the address, that’s all. No stalking or money involved.”
Her gaze narrows at me. “What if I’d meant a different Emma?”
“Then I imagine I would’ve confused your poor old college friend, and when I didn’t get a reply, I’d probably have tried the far less impressive option of sending you an apology by text. That, or try sending flowers to everyone named Emma in the city.”
That makes her burst out laughing, before she quickly covers her mouth.