Tossing It

by Rachel Robinson

  “I’m not paralyzed,” I say. “I don’t think, anyway. I can’t fucking move so maybe I am. Don’t apologize. I won’t go anywhere,” I say, out of breath. It takes so much to get words out. My lungs don’t hold as much oxygen as they used to. “Tell her I need her,” I add. I’m breaking a little more every second her face isn’t in my line of vision.

  Eva and Celia visited me this morning. They left when the doctors came in to run a myriad of tests on my body and blood. I seem to be doing okay internally, and the fuzzy mental pieces get a little clearer as time passes. They say that’s a good sign—that my recovery is miraculous and so sudden that it’s hard to medically explain. My sister’s fucking ranting could bring anyone back from the grave. Dad is on one of his walks again and I am left alone.

  There’s a walker next to my bed that a nurse brought in for this afternoon’s physical therapy session. I eye it like a mortal enemy, one that killed me, but not all the way. Aidan is on his way here, and a few of my teammates are with him. They’re the ones that will fill in the blank spaces with regard to attack. I have to piss so I take the urge to try out my legs instead of using the bed urinal. I have to use my arms to scoot my legs to the edge of the bed.

  No one could tell me what it would be like to stand up—how my body would react. The act of swinging my legs over the side leaves me breathless. “Fuck, I’m so out of shape,” I mutter, then putting both hands on the handles of the walker, I lean my upper body onto the steel frame. A spell of dizziness hits. A string of curse words fly through my brain, my throat too sore to speak them.

  “Are you supposed to be up?” Malena says. Finally. Finally.

  I turn my head, and there she is. A vision in a long yellow dress, her skin in stark contrast to the light color. I swallow hard and try to shift to get a better view. The afternoon sun lights her face. “You’re here.”

  “I, ah, wasn’t sure what to say so I avoided you today,” she says. “I was on my way when your mom just called.”

  “Honesty. I like it,” I reply, croaking a little less with every word I say. “How about some more of that?”

  She looks down to the floor. When I shuffle, she doesn’t hesitate to rush over to help me. “I’ll give you honesty if you sit back down.”

  “If you won’t dance with me, I’ll find someone who will,” I counter, trying on a smile for the first time today.

  She’s affected by it. Immediately. Her whole demeanor switching into something more familiar. “I’ll dance with you. Later.”

  “I have to take a piss so I can’t sit quite yet. I’d like to do it like a man,” I explain, nodding to the bathroom attached to my room.

  Malena nods. “I’ll call a nurse. Can you wait?”

  My eyes light. “I can’t. Will you help me?”

  Her breath catches. “Of course. Is this the first time you’ve stood up? Walked? If you fall, I’m not sure I can catch you before you hurt yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to use the bed urinal?”

  I begin shuffling toward the restroom. “I got it, Malena. Even if I fell, I imagine you’d catch me. I’m what? A mere two hundred pounds?” The walker takes most of my weight. My legs are painful as blood rushes in a direction other than horizontal.

  “Careful,” Malena says, laying both hands on my back. “Your legs are working great, Leif. You don’t even need my help right now.”

  I’d never tell her how much pain I’m in or how much effort I’m putting into looking like a normal human being right now. When we get to the bathroom, Malena meets my gaze, then looks away quickly. “Your ass is hanging out, so I’m going to assume you’ll be able to hang it in there and…go?”

  I laugh even though it hurts my chest. “I need you to hang it over in the right spot. If I piss all over the floor what will those poor nurses think of the mess?” I tease.

  She laughs a short burst, then the smile vanishes from her face. “You’re serious?”

  “As a heart attack,” I say, lips in a firm line.

  She lifts the gown tentatively, shaking her head. I shuffle forward a bit, using the walker to get closer to the toilet. “At least one thing looks the same,” Malena says, smirking. Using her thumb, she guides my dick up and out. “Okay, shoot,” she says.

  “I’m getting hard and then I won’t be able to piss,” I counter, sucking in a relieved breath. It works. Fuck yes.

  “Oh my gosh, stop it. Pee, Leif! What if someone comes in?”

  “Well, then we close the bathroom door and see just how well my dick works after a year without being inside you.”

  “Don’t do that,” Malena says, smile vanishing. “Be serious right now.”

  “Fine, fine.” I concentrate on the white painted, cement block wall and close my eyes and piss. “Shake it,” I say when I’m done. “Don’t want to drip on the floor.”

  “Shake it yourself.”

  “Why aren’t you more accommodating in my recovery, huh?”

  “Because we need to talk, Leif. I held your dick while you peed. Pretty sure that counts as helpful.”

  Reaching down, I shake my cock a bit and stand up straighter against my walker. “And seeing as you could have held your own dick, I’d say you’re the one not being accommodating. It’s been a long time. We have so much to talk about.”

  Reality stings. She said she loved me, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t move on without me. “Honesty. You were about to give me more of that,” I remind her.

  Malena frowns. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

  “I have to sit down for the truth? Yikes.”

  She bites her lip. “I didn’t say it was bad. I’m worried about you. That’s all.”

  “Don’t worry about me. Never worry about me. I’ll always be okay.”

  She guides me back into bed and lifts the shoulder of my hospital gown back on my shoulder when it drops off. “You are so weak.”

  “And frail. What this doesn’t do it for you?” I ask, holding my arms out to the sides.

  Her eyes smile, then she closes them, blinking away tears. “I thought I lost you. You have no idea what that feels like. You don’t get to tell me not to worry. I’ll do whatever I want.”

  I scoot over and pat the spot next to me on the bed. Someone must have walked in the room and then right back out during the bathroom trip because my door is closed now. I bet dad had a disbelieving smile when he watched Malena help me pee. He helped me bathe this morning, wheeling the chair into the large shower stall so I could shower and wash away the months of hospital etched into my skin. The water was hot and I only needed help washing my hair.

  Malena sits next to me, tucking her feet underneath her body. “I’m sorry about that,” I whisper, as she brings her head against my shoulder. “I’m so sorry about your mom, Malena. My sister told me.” Time has changed so many facets of everyone’s lives it’s hard to make out which way is up. To me, the gunfight feels like yesterday. I’ll be catching up on everything and everyone for months.

  “Thanks. It’s been hard, but I have to believe she’s in a better place and she’s herself,” Malena says. “Everyone at Garden Breeze was amazing, by the way. They took a traumatic situation and made it seem less horrific.”

  I swallow, the acidic taste in the back of my throat leaving a bit. “Thank God for small miracles,” I reply, trying to pull her closer.

  “I’m going to start at the photos,” she says, sighing. I nod against her head. Then she tells me the story or her mother getting sick and the pregnancy she never thought she’d have. The shock. The terror. The words I said about not having a family. The rules. The words I said about not wanting a family. The words I said. Malena says things that break my heart. She’s been alone in this all of this time.

  Dylan was an ex that meant very little to her. She says her pregnancy was the catalyst to finding her strength—realizing she was good enough regardless of what her ex-husband told her, or what anyone else thought about her as a person. She explained to me what she was feeli
ng in the photos that Eva took, and her guess as to what Dylan was feeling in the images, and how it was skewed.

  I stay silent as she goes on, her voice a sweet lull that brings me a peace only she is responsible for. “I wanted you to have the life you wanted. When you never responded to my email, I assumed I won—you would stay away from Bronze Bay and never come back. I’d take the repercussions of our love and run because at least I have her. Our daughter. She means everything to me.”

  “You’re breaking my heart,” I admit, taking in a large breath that sears. Pressing my lips against her head, I put myself in her shoes and am absolutely horrified. Dying in this bed would have been easier than what she’s had to endure on her own.

  “After my mom died, she left a note. I just recently found it. She remembered after you visited and wrote it all down. The conversation between you both. How you told her you wanted a family with me. A baby,” Malena whispers, meeting my gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  I swallow. “Because you couldn’t have kids, Malena. I wanted you in any form I could have you. Even if that meant never having kids. I’d have you. Never for a second think would I be burdened by our child. That’s a dream come true. I’m sorry for not telling you. You can’t help who you fall in love with. I fell in love with a woman who couldn’t have children. Maybe we would have adopted one day. Who knows? She remembered? That’s so ironic when you think about all of the things she could have remembered.”

  She sobs into her fist. “It’s a miracle Luna is here. I wish I knew about her letter earlier. Maybe you could have come back to us sooner if I was here.”

  “Luna,” I say, testing the name. “That’s her name? Our daughter?”

  Malena smiles through her tears and nods. “She’s beautiful.”

  My heart races. “Can I meet her now?”

  “You’re ready?” Malena asks. “It’s a lot. All of this.”

  I nod. “Born ready. No pun intended.”

  “The act of not wanting kids was pretty convincing,” Malena says softly, drifting back to our conversation.

  “I think I never wanted them because I hadn’t met the right person. Then I met you, and got to know you, and fell in love with you and my desire for you outweighed my desire for a family so I went with it.” When she doesn’t look at me, I say, “Malena.”

  She looks at me. “I love you,” I confess. “Truly and wholly in every single way it’s possible to love another individual. The real kind of love that puts the rest of the world to shame.”

  Her tear streaked face is unbearably sad. “I said goodbye to you nine months ago in an email and then again yesterday as I cried over your bed.”

  “Don’t say that,” I return.

  She heaves a sigh and stands from the bed. A coldness replaces her warmth and my stomach pangs in unease. “Here’s the thing. I’m going to bring Luna in here to meet you and I want you to have a relationship with her if you want to, but that needs to come first. Before anything between us. You can decide after a bit of time if you’re all in, or not. I won’t fault you if you decide to walk. I’d never fault you, regardless of what you say you want. We’re a package deal, Luna and I, and I need to make sure you’re all in, Leif. Luna deserves a father that…stays.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but she holds up a palm and shakes her head. “Don’t say anything. I’ll be right back.”

  “Hey, don’t silence me,” I shout. The tone of my voice is shockingly loud—demanding. Malena jumps. “If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a fighter. I fight for the things I want. I fight to remedy the things I’ve fucked up. I may have screwed us up, but I’m prepared to fight for you, for Luna, even if I die trying.” Looking around the room, I send a pointed message. “I’m a scrappy motherfucker and I have nothing to lose. Gotta’ watch out for men like me, Malena.” She sets her hands on her hips, licking her lips. “You need to know right now. That I’m all fucking in. All in. Before I lay eyes on the baby. Before you walk out that door not knowing where I stand, wondering if I’m going to leave you like he did.” I shake my head. “I’ll never leave you.”

  Malena cries, a sob escaping her throat.

  “I am all in,” I repeat, grinding my teeth on the last syllable. “There’s no wishy-washy shit from me. I know what I want.”

  Without saying another word, she walks up to my bedside and kisses my lips. Once, a lingering hold with her mouth parted just enough to let me taste her. “I love you, too.” Her words heal more than any pills or medicines doctors can prescribe ever will. “So much,” she adds.

  When I’ve finally worked my arms up and around her waist, she pulls away. “I’ll be right back.”

  While she’s gone, I relish the taste of her sweetness on my lips. I’m lost in thought minutes later when Malena comes in carrying our sleeping bundle wrapped in pink blankets. The room tilts, and my stomach feels as if a flock of birds are flapping inside of it. This isn’t a moment you can ever prepare yourself for. Definitely not in my circumstance, but not in any circumstance really. Meeting your child for the first time. A human being you helped create. If you’re lucky, a tiny, perfect person, made out of love. Without saying a word, Malena leans down and sets the baby into my waiting arms.

  At first, I’m shocked at how small she feels, but one look at her face erases everything else. I’m transfixed by her tiny features and golden locks. She looks like something from a storybook. Luna sighs a long sigh and blinks her eyes, fighting to keep them open long enough to see who is holding her. “Hi baby girl,” I say when her gaze locks on mine. “I’m your daddy.” The word doesn’t stick in the back of my throat like a taboo, no, it comes out naturally. The first words I have spoken that don’t pain me in any way.

  “I don’t look like much now, but I’m going to get better and we’re going to take on the world together. With your mama,” I rasp, looking up at Malena. She has tears pouring down her face. The strongest sense to love and protect rears, stemming from my heart and blooming outward. Everything in my power, and with everything I am, I will protect them. My eyes water, watching the woman I love. “Well done, Malena Winterset,” I proclaim. “Job well done.”

  She laughs through tears. “Yeah,” she says, nodding. “I know.”

  The baby coos and I glance down at her squirming, warm form. “I’m never going to be able to repay you for this, Malena. For her. For giving me this precious gift.”

  “I think you can,” Malena replies. “Get better.”

  “Then what?”

  Folding her arms across her chest, she tilts her head to the side. “Then you come home. To Bronze Bay.”

  “What after that?” I widen my eyes.

  Malena pauses, a comfortable silence, our gazes locked in challenge. “I haven’t worked that out yet. Do you have any opinions on the matter?”

  I nod. “I never want to be away from you,” I say. “Or her.” Peeling back the blanket I glimpse tiny fingers and ten little toes. “So that means only one thing.”

  “It means a few things,” Malena teases. “But what did you have in mind specifically?”

  “You have to marry me. Obviously. And stay with me forever. And ever.”

  Malena shakes her head, a smile playing on her lips. “You sound like a crazy person.”“A serial killer?”

  “No, just crazy. One step at a time. I had to help you pee. Let’s work on getting you fully functioning before we talk about life commitments.”

  “But I am committed to you. To both of you. I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you and Luna. Almost dying has a way of showing you what’s important.”

  Malena tucks her hair behind her ear and sits next to me on the bed. “She doesn’t sleep all night.”

  “I don’t sleep well either. Perfect.”

  Luna turns her head to glimpse her mom. “I’m moody and my ass has stretch marks now.”

  Turning my head, I meet her gaze. “You can’t scare me off. I love bad moods. And stretch marks.”

>   Malena rolls her eyes. “No one loves stretch marks. Or bitches,” she whispers into my ear. A shiver rises up my spine. The combination of the curse word and her breath mingled together is a wild turn on. Maybe my mind feels like only a day has passed, but my dick somehow realizes it’s been the better part of a year since it’s had any contact with its favorite playmate.

  I turn so my lips are almost against hers. “I think I might love a bitch.”

  The smirk on her face is delicious. I press my lips against hers and say, “And stretch marks.”

  Kissing her chastely once, I lean away and readjust the baby. Her body is squishy and no matter how I hold her I’m worried I’m not doing it right. “Especially because you got them carrying my child.” My child. Mine. I might be a weak bastard, but the inner lion is roaring out in total domination.

  Malena stays silent, a serene look on her face. “There are photos of me looking like a blimp. Don’t worry. You’ll get to see how the stretch marks came to be.”

  Luna’s body tenses and she wails. “Hold her on your shoulder, she might be gassy,” Malena says.

  I do as I’m told and am shocked at how warm the baby feels against my hospital gown, she is a tiny space heater. The connection I feel with Luna is immediate and the weakness that resides behind that makes me nervous. The desire to get well is now amplified by a million. “You never did answer my question,” I say, raising one brow.

  “Which one?”

  “Will you marry me?” I ask.

  She leans away to glimpse my whole face. “Why do you want to marry me?”

  “Because I can’t live without you.”

  Malena smirks. “You can.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to. Not for another second.”

  “You’re going to have to live without me for work,” Malena says.

  I nod. “No more deployments. I’ve paid my dues. Bronze Bay for good.”

  Raking me and the baby with her gaze, she simply says, “Yes. I’ll marry you.”

  “That was an easy decision. I figured I’d have to do some carnal convincing.”