Tossing It

by Rachel Robinson

  “Don’t talk like that while you’re holding the baby,” she counters. “I didn’t need to be convinced because I know what I want. I’ve known for quite some time actually. Basically, from the second I realized you weren’t going to leave me dead in a field with a toe shoved in my vagina.”

  “Don’t talk like that in front of the baby, Malena,” I return. “Not a toe. A whole foot. Get it right.”

  She shrugs. “Fine. Sorry. Yes. You need to get better first. Learn more about this little one.” She runs her hand over Luna’s hair and a tiny sigh escapes. “How did I get so lucky?”

  “Luck has little to do with us, Malena. We have anti-luck and destiny on our side.”

  “Destiny? Isn’t that a little…cheesy?” Malena says, wrinkling her forehead. When I frown, she adds, “Anti-luck?”

  My arm is tired so I switch Luna to my other shoulder, and can’t resist kissing her head. She smells so good. “The only easy thing has been bumping into one another at Bobby’s Bar. Everything from there was an uphill battle. That’s what you call anti-luck. Destiny because every single thing that goes against medical diagnoses or seems impossible has happened, and we’re here—together in this bed. Do you agree?”

  “I guess you are right. What if I’d never read that letter? If I hadn’t come here. If you hadn’t woken up before Monday?” Malena shudders.

  “The world can’t get rid of me that easily,” I say.

  “Eva. You owe your life to her stubbornness.”

  Closing my eyes, I sigh. “I know. She’s going to hold it over my head for the rest of my life. I have to get something on her.”

  Malena laughs. “Siblings. I’ll never understand how that works.”

  “We’ve gotta’ try to give Luna one though.”

  She looks wistful. “I’m thankful for her, but I’d love that.”

  “We could just have fun trying too. I’m okay with trying a few times per day.”“Get better, Leif,” she replies. “We need to get you home and out of this hospital. Can I have her back? I’ll take her to Celia.”

  Furrowing my brow, I say, “I just got her. No one can have her back until I’m good and ready.”

  Malena crosses her arms and I see the ring on her ring finger. It looks just as beautiful as I thought it would. “I’ve missed you, Leif.” She leans her head back on my shoulder.

  Taking her hand in my free one, I spin the ring. “You’re my night sky.”

  Epilogue

  Leif

  Three months later . . .

  “You had me hanging twinkly, fucking, dangly lights on the deck, Malena. I’m pretty sure if I’m capable of using a step stool, I’m capable of inserting my dick inside you,” I say, wiping my brow, a film of sweat threatening to leak down my face. “Come on. I’m cleared for sexual intercourse. You heard the doctor.”

  Malena gives me a look. One that is meant to defuse the tension, and end the conversation at the exact same time. We got married in the courthouse the second I left the hospital in Bronze Bay. I was transferred there to be closer to her during recovery. It was the first thing I wanted to do. The only thing that mattered on a to-do list so long there’s an actual possibility I’ll never get it all finished in this lifetime. I guess that’s what happens when you’re in a coma for nine months.

  There was no fanfare with our marriage. She wore a white dress that dragged across the ground because it needed to be hemmed. I wore khaki pants and a navy blue button-up shirt. Shirley was our witness and our vows were the most powerful, perfect words I’ve ever spoken. Vows I’ll cherish forever. Promises I’ll keep. “We’re going to consummate our marriage tonight. I have this planned, remember? Luna is spending the night with Eva. You and I will have the house to ourselves. Let me plan at least one facet of our wedding. You must realize it pains me to organize every trivial detail of other couple’s weddings and not be able to control things in my own?”

  She tries to scurry by me to head into the house, but I grab her by the waist. “You wanted to get married at the courthouse. That was all you.”

  “Because I didn’t want you to change your mind. I had to trap you,” she counters.

  “You didn’t trap me. I trapped you,” I say, glancing at Luna in her playpen. “Because my sperm are like fucking bolts. They sizzle and pop,” I whisper into her ear. “Tonight. I won’t wait a minute more.” “After the party,” she says, leaning up and back to accept my kiss. “How are you feeling?” she asks against my lips. “Any pain?”

  There’s always pain. I don’t complain about it too much because I’ve been fortunate in every other way. My job in Bronze Bay was waiting for me. I have a loving family. A wife. A daughter. All the things I never imagined would make me happiest in life. “I feel great. Perfect. Ready for tonight. After the party,” I deadpan. They cleared me for physical activity today, and sex falls into that category. It didn’t matter how much I argued with the doctors, they would smile, and tell me no. One week I tried to convince them intercourse would aide in a quicker recovery. They didn’t agree. Fuckers. I still have shrapnel in my body and my leg is fucked up, but I was lucky Aidan saved my ass from total annihilation.

  We’re having a small intimate gathering to celebrate our wedding. Just a small group of friends and our family. Or rather, my family and Malena’s cousin Amber who came into town for the night. Reintegration has been easy. I use the attack as a place to reset. I came back to life and began a new life. Not completely different than my old life, but more important. “Let me get back to it,” Malena says, hugging me. “Everyone will be here soon and I want it all to run smoothly.” She vanishes into the yard, bustling around the rented tables set with cloths and silverware. Caroline and Shirley are already out there working.

  Scooping up Luna, and the rattle she has permanently shoved in her mouth, I head back into the house. We’re living in Malena’s house. It’s farther from the beach, but it feels the most like home.

  “Are you hungry?” I ask, bouncing her on my hip. “We’ve been told to stay out of the way. We should eat.” There’s a platter of meats and cheeses sitting on the island. I eat a bite and readjust the rest so it’s not noticeable. Luna’s food is in a container, so I grab it and a spoon, and set her up in her highchair.

  “The fighter jet is coming to drop a bomb, sweetie,” I coo, using a high-pitched voice. “Open up so I can drop it off.” She smiles a half tooth, half gummy smile and opens up wide. “And Mommy says you don’t eat for her. She needs to drop bombs, doesn’t she baby?” I plug the gelatinous wet green beans into her mouth and watch for spill over. “Peaches are for dessert,” I say. Luna babbles on, responding in her own language and claps her hands.

  “The submarine needs to open the door,” I say, opening my own mouth wide. “The divers need to get back in.” The baby opens her mouth and makes noises of approval for the sweeter food.

  “It’s ridiculous, you know? How easily you get her to eat.”

  I shrug. “I mean we all can’t be good at everything,” I say.

  My sister, Eva rounds a corner. “You aren’t good at everything, Leif,” she hisses. “You almost get yourself killed. You’re like the worst Navy SEAL in history.”

  Luna laughs, because she always laughs at Eva, and I groan. “Nice to see you too, Sis.”

  “I brought what you asked, Malena,” Eva says, dropping a kiss on my cheek and then pulling a chair in next to the baby. “How is auntie’s favorite girl?” Luna slams her hands down on the highchair in glee. “Is daddy giving you a hard time? You want a cookie?”

  “No cookies, Eva,” Malena and I say at the same time. Then we look at each other and smile. I’m getting the knack of this parenting thing. I mean, I feel like I’m going to war unarmed, but there’s a learning curve I’m mastering.

  Eva holds up both hands, palms out. “Fine, fine. They’re real sticks in the mud. You’re spending the night with me tonight. I’ll give you cookies later,” she whispers loud enough for us to hear.

 
; “There were a few people coming in the side gate. I’ve got Luna. Go ahead and greet your guests, newlyweds.” Eva smiles warmly at Malena. When she turns her gaze to mine, she winks.

  Luna cries when I stand up, but Eva distracts her easily with a new toy she pulls out of her purse. It’s always equal parts appreciation and guilt when Eva is around Luna. It’s so blatantly obvious how wonderful of a mother she would be. She was forced into the capacity of aunt, watching Malena and I hit milestones that she’ll never have. She gave up mentally after the last round of IVF failed and she’s finally given up emotionally too. Malena says she prays every day that our family and my near death didn’t use up all of our miracles and maybe, one day, Eva’s dreams will come true. Crazier shit has happened.

  I am living breathing proof. As the night wears on Malena transforms from the hostess with the mostess, to my new wife, and as guests trickle out, the longing for her intensifies. If you go by a calendar, it’s been way over a year since I’ve had sex with her. Merely thinking about it makes my dick hard. As people filter out, I wash dishes as I see them pop into the kitchen, so there are no excuses, or things to do when the last person leaves. Nothing to do except her.

  Eva and Celia left with Luna an hour ago because she was getting tired. It’s the first time she’s slept away from Malena, and I know she was hesitant to give over control. She wants a night alone with me, though, and we both knew this is how it had to go. This is what family does. And we are indeed, by law, a family. “I’m taking off, bro,” Aidan says, getting my attention.

  I dry my hands on a dish towel. “See you at work next week, man.”

  When he sees me watching, he slides his phone back into his pocket. “Back to work so soon?” he says, looking distracted, touching his pocket. Who is he talking to?

  “I’m cleared for physical activity. I’m home. Got the girl. I’m ready to tackle anything.”

  Aidan laughs. “Not quite everything. You need to hit the gym.”

  “That starts tomorrow, too. Try almost dying and see how much muscle you get to keep,” I joke. “It’s coming back slowly, but surely. I don’t look like a skeleton anymore.” Eating normal, square meals fixed that almost immediately, but I’m still a shell of the person I used to be. It’d be a lie if I said I didn’t worry about Malena not finding me attractive anymore. The muscles and bulk were my identifier—a huge part of how I viewed myself, and where my self-confidence came from.

  “Yeah. I’ll be there for you. We’ll get you back to normal in no time.” Aidan smiles.

  “You okay, man? You’re acting twitchy and you’re not even drinking.”

  He smirks. “I’m good, man. I’m good. Taking some time away from the drink, that’s all. Working on my abs.” He lifts his shirt and flexes.

  “You’re such a douche canoe. Get out of my house.”

  “I saved your life. You can’t tell me what to do anymore.”

  “Fair. But it’s bro code to tell me what’s really going on.”

  “Woman troubles,” he says, jutting his chin up.

  Pressing my lips into a firm line, I nod. “Well fuck. That’s a bitch.” One that I’m out of the loop about. I don’t like it at all. Mentally, I add grabbing a beer with my friend to the never-ending to-do list.

  “Such a bitch,” he replies.

  Malena walks into the kitchen carrying a stack of platters. “That’s it. We’re calling it,” she says. “Grab these Aidan.” Malena pushes the stack of plates into Aidan’s hands. She doesn’t think I can carry a stack of glass platters. It’s embarrassing. Luckily, Aidan doesn’t give me grief, he merely brings them to the sink and turns on the water to begin washing. Good friend mode. Thank fuck. It’s almost time I show her how capable I am.

  “Tonight was great, right?” I ask, testing the waters.

  Wrapping her arms around my waist, she puts her face against my chest. “It was. It was a welcome back party for you, too. We have so much to celebrate. Now I’m ready to celebrate just us two.” My dick hardens as I place my chin on the top of her head. “All the stragglers are headed back to the Caroline and Tahoe’s Bed and Breakfast.”

  Aidan coughs. “Platters are clean. I’m leaving before you guys hump in the kitchen.”

  I laugh. “Malena wouldn’t risk breaking me by humping anywhere except an acceptable, cushioned surface.”

  “Speak for yourself,” Malena says, leaning away to meet my gaze. “Thanks for helping, Aidan,” she tosses over her shoulder. “You really kept everything moving along tonight.”

  “Anything for my favorite couple,” he says. Aidan heads to the front door, promising to give me the full scoop on his woman troubles at work on Monday. As I close and lock the door, I’m still trying to process the fact that he cares enough to be bothered by another person. One person. He’s the king of letting everything roll off his back.

  “We’re turning a corner. Bronze Bay is good for the soul,” I pipe up when Malena closes the sliding door to the deck. She locks it and places the security bar in place. “This place changes lives.”

  “Ruins them, too, but I won’t go down that path tonight when we’re on a high,” Malena says. The humidity is ratcheted up tonight, leaving a dewy glow on her skin. Her brown eyes flare when they meet mine. “A high that’s bound to get better.” She walks over to the entertainment system in the living room and turns off the party playlist and selects another one.

  She spins when the familiar song starts, gaze locked on mine. Biting her bottom lip, she throws her arms up in the air to sing out the famous first sentence. She’s not a small town girl, born and raised in Michigan, though. She’s my girl. My brown eyed, fighter of a woman.

  I take her into my arms and lean down to kiss her as she sings the lyrics against my mouth. “You’re taking the eleven P.M. train to our bedroom,” I say, checking the time. She pulls me down the hallway to our master. Not her mother’s old room, and not the newer wing of the house that used to be her room. That’s Luna’s lair now. We took one of the rooms that has only been used as a guest room. Together we chose what we liked best, mixing and matching our things, and ordering new stuff when we didn’t agree. It looks like modern and beachy threw up and the vomit ended up being Leif and Malena Andersson.

  “You sick of sleeping in the other room?” Malena asks, dragging her lips across the neck of my shirt.

  “If you’re asking if I’ve missed sleeping with you, the answer is kind of. Having a big bed to myself is pretty ace after the twin bed at the hospital, if you’re asking if I missed fucking you, in our room, in our bed, then the answer is fuck yes. Every second you were in here and I was down the hall, I thought about creeping in.”

  “Two days. It’s only been two days since you got home and we got married,” she says, laughing. Even as she jokes her hands glide under my shirt, taking it up. I pull it over my head to help her. Her fingers splayed on my chest, I hold my breath. Her hands are reverent.

  “Two days too long,” I counter. “I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”

  She turns her confused gaze up to meet mine. “Why in the world would you think that? It’s been just as hard for me, Leif.”

  “I don’t look like I used to,” I admit.

  She winces, raising one brow. “I love the way you look. I’ll love any way you look. That has no hand in my libido. I’m madly in love with you. That erases any pre-conceived notions the world has with regards to looks and expectations.”

  “But I do look different compared to before.”

  “I’m in love with this,” Malena says, putting her hand on my chest. “And what’s inside your mind,” she adds. Sliding her hand down my body, she grabs my package. “This too. It still looks and feels the same to me. You are my wildest dream made real.” She shakes her head. “Don’t ever think you’re not everything to me. You’re perfect.”

  I should correct her, but my ego won’t let me. She’s stroked every part of my subconscious that needs reassurance. The only thing on m
y mind now is connection. In every way possible. “You know that saying, you never know what you have until it’s gone?” I say, watching her hands as Malena familiarizes herself with my torso, arms, and neck.

  “Yeah,” she replies, distractedly, rounding my back to take stock of every new scar. “I can’t believe how many holes you have all over your body.” Her declaration is absentminded, she doesn’t expect a response. The scars aren’t something I mind if she doesn’t.

  “I think that saying is bullshit,” I say. She sits on the bed in front of me and pulls the slinky, form-hugging dress over her body. Swallowing hard, I watch her, let my gaze flutter to all of my favorite features. She is a vision, a dream woman. A visceral creation that steals my breath.

  “Bullshit how?” she says, tilting her head to the side.

  “People need to appreciate what they have when they have it so it never leaves,” I explain. “Only weak people need to lose something to appreciate it.” I clear my throat.

  She looks thoughtful as she reaches behind her body to unfasten her bra.

  “Not weak,” she says. “Maybe they aren’t sure what they have? Maybe they don’t understand what losing it will feel like. Not everyone can be certain of something so important, so quickly.” Malena shakes her head. “Our love isn’t typical, Leif. You’re the one who pointed that out to me.”

  “Fair point,” I say, unbuttoning my jeans. They fall to the floor and I step out of them. Malena stands, sliding her panties down mimicking my move. She takes my hand in hers and picks up my left hand to admire my new piece of jewelry. “Tell me something,” I say.

  When she releases my hand, I pull her naked skin against mine and delight in the practically foreign feeling. “Why do I feel like this isn’t going to be a question I want to answer?”

  “Why did you really go see your ex-husband?” My question causes her to stiffen in my arms. She relaxes a moment later, but I can tell I’ve surprised her. “It’s just something that’s bothered me. That’s all.”

  “When I walked in the auto shop, his wife and little girl greeted me. She was pregnant. It was so odd. The reason I went there, to get closure, to speak my peace, seemed like utter nonsense when I realized he was happily procreating elsewhere. I don’t think he ever loved me. Not the way you love me. I know I didn’t love him the way I was supposed to. I’d call it luck that I didn’t get pregnant, but honestly, I’ll use your word and call it destiny. I wasn’t supposed to be with him. I was supposed to be with you.”