[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

by Matthew Vincent

  More than six hundred and twenty million gallons of orange juice are sold every year in the U.S. Unfortunately, 99 percent of it does not taste like real squeezed oranges. If you were drinking “real” orange juice, the flavor would vary with the seasons (and you would also get the benefits of 30 percent more vitamins).

  [you] RIFE!

  In the eighties, Tropicana ruined it by convincing everyone that “not from concentrate” meant “fresher.” And then it changed from “concentrate” to “pasteurized,” which was another marketing ploy. “Pasteurized” simply sounds even more fresh, but, ironically, it doesn’t make it fresher; it only means the liquid content has not been removed. Here’s what they do: They rapidly heat the juice, remove the oxygen, and then store it. This process strips the juice of most of its flavor. After that, the juice is stored for up to a year before fake “flavor” is added, and then the juice is sold.

  Do yourself a favor—take a Valencia orange, squeeze it, and then do a taste test with store-bought, pasteurized, not-from-concentrate orange juice. Your taste buds will be angry. So don’t forget to drink your morning dose of vitamin C. And remember, the “C” stands for Conned!

  №009

  Gordon Dancy

  For replacing paper with plastic.

  THE FACTS

  Indirectly, Mr. Dancy is responsible for the question “Will that be paper or plastic?” In the late 1970s, Gordon Dancy invented the plastic grocery bag for good reasons. At the time, people were concerned about saving trees. As in most circumstances, fixing one problem inevitably created another. Unfortunately, this quick fix was NOT thought through:

  • Plastic bags are not biodegradable, and less than 5 percent are recycled.

  • Americans throw away twelve thousand plastic bags per second.

  • U.S. consumers use one hundred billion plastic bags each year, which equals twelve million barrels of oil.

  This doesn’t mean choosing paper is the solution. Both—paper and plastic—emit harmful gases during production. Paper weighs more and, in turn, requires more fuel in its nationwide delivery. And only about 20 percent of paper bags are actually recycled.

  Is “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” the answer? Recycling is great, but it encourages overconsumption. Reusing is paramount. And, if you are among the 65 percent of Americans who are overweight, give “reducing” a try too.

  [you] RIFE!

  Gordon, you really ruined it for everyone. Not only are plastic bags unsightly trash blowing through our neighborhoods, they have been proven detrimental to our environment and will NEVER biodegrade.

  BTW, the correct answer to the “paper or plastic” question is: NEITHER! In case you missed the memo, the best thing is to carry a reusable bag. They sell these bags at ALL grocery stores for cheap, so buy some. Or, if you want to splurge, get some cool ones at www.envirosax.com. They look cool, scrunch down to about nothing, hold tons of swag, and last forever. Store them in your car or carry them with you and use them.

  №010

  Ronald Clark O’Bryan

  For making us fear Halloween candy.

  THE FACTS

  Every year, many rumors and myths about candy tampering and poisoning during Halloween time resurface. The delicious dark holiday has been plagued by worries of candy contamination for decades. Parents fear that some madman will poison and distribute candy to unsuspecting boys and girls during their yearly trick-or-treating. There most certainly have been some scares, as well as false accusations. However, rest assured, there have been no “true” cases of random Halloween poisoning.

  Nonetheless, someone has used the myth to try to get away with murder…

  [you] RIFE!

  Okay, so Ronald O’Bryan did not invent the urban legend, but we have to blame someone, and he is about as nasty as someone can get. Long story short, he poisoned his own son with cyanide-laced Pixy Stix and blamed it on an aimless Halloween treat-giver. It turns out O’Bryan was just trying to collect on a large insurance policy he took out on the poor kid. He was found guilty and put to death, appropriately, by lethal injection.

  Murder is one thing. Murdering a child is another. But putting the hit on your OWN son? Jokes fail me in this instance.

  Another young boy, five years old, supposedly ate cruel counterfeit confections on All Hallows’ Eve. But it turned out that story was just a cover-up. He accidentally poisoned himself with his uncle’s all-too-accessible heroin stash. To throw off the police, the family sprinkled the drug on some candy after the child died. This brings the tally up to zero random psychos giving out tainted goodies on the frightful holiday. Which, statistically speaking, actually makes it safer to take candy from a stranger than from your own family. Nevertheless, parents still spend countless hours checking the safety of their kids’ sweet stash every year for apparently no reason. Some even go to the airport to get the candy X-rayed. It has all been fueled by rumors, assumptions, and assholes like Ronald Clark O’Bryan.

  №011

  Al Gore

  For telling us about global warming.

  THE FACTS

  The world as we know it is coming to an end. By the year 2023, all ocean water will have boiled away. Al Gore tells similarly shocking information regarding global warming in his painfully revealing movie An Inconvenient Truth. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Your time will be better spent building a fallout shelter for when the sky starts raining lava. If you hurry, you might just make it.

  [you] RIFE!

  History tells us, “Don’t shoot the messenger.” But you kind of have to in this case. It’s not like he was handed a letter and read it; he actually did the research and uncovered the facts about global warming. Thanks a lot, Al; it’s your fault we can now fry an egg on the polar ice caps.

  Quite frankly, this global warming business isn’t the only way you ruined it for everyone. You could have pushed a LITTLE harder in the 2000 presidential election recount! You could have also made your energy-guzzling home a bit more efficient (it uses about twenty times more energy than the average home and it’s only four times bigger).

  And by the way… no, you did NOT invent the Internet.

  №012

  George Vernon Hudson

  For inventing daylight saving time.

  THE FACTS

  Time—a good magazine and a great Pink Floyd song… But let’s get back to George Vernon Hudson and his role in daylight saving time. He first proposed the concept in 1895 in New Zealand. He felt having more daylight in the summer evenings would better our quality of life. But you can Google more about him in the fall since you won’t know what to do with that extra hour you’ll gain. You’ll find he’s the reason we have to reset our clocks and have more traffic accidents in the weeks after the time change.

  There’s always so much fuss and flurry about this topic. Should we do it? Should we not? Are we saving energy or just causing headaches? And what about the poor farmers and school buses? I think it’s time for action!

  [you] RIFE!

  Do we really need daylight anyway? Let’s just get rid of it altogether. I’ll bet Seattle and New York wouldn’t even notice the difference! We’ll just put up football stadium lights everywhere and control the day with a flip of the switch! It’ll be great! Then we wouldn’t be confined to this pesky twenty-four-hour day. We really need thirty-six-hour days anyway. Then we could work fourteen hours, spend much more time with our families, and get a couple extra hours of sleep every night! AND it would cut the ageing process in HALF! It’s genius! The only downside? Playtex will have to update to a thirty-hour bra.

  Okay, here’s how we’ll do it—we need to fill up the atmosphere with smoke to eradicate the sunlight. If we legalized marijuana and started six more wildfires in California every year, that should do the trick. Then we’ll have AM, PM, and MM—the “MM,” of course, stands for “much more.” It’s gonna be great: No sunlight means less skin cancer, more time, and NO MORE spring-forward/ fall-backward bullshit. We’ll just let the lit
tle hand of our clocks have another go-round every day. Just think, your microwave will always read the correct time! Serenity now.

  №013

  Triskaidekaphobia (fearing the number 13)

  For cutting out the thirteenth floor.

  THE FACTS

  There are many superstitions in modern civilization. We have black cats to watch out for, ladders to avoid walking under, umbrellas we pray won’t open indoors, and mirrors we are cautious not to break. But come on… picking on a poor little prime number seems like a bit much. Thirteen didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t bothering anyone when it sat happy and cozy between its little sis and big bro, twelve and fourteen. Then, one day, they stopped putting a thirteenth floor in all high-rise building WTF? How would you feel if someone took out your thirteenth vertebra? Paralyzed, that’s how. Let’s grow up and put that thirteenth button back in elevators.

  [you] RIFE!

  Your superstitions are ruining it for everyone and yourself. Get over your phobia—and enjoy thirteen things that are great about the number 13:

  I. There are thirteen new moons in a year. That’s pretty good, right?

  II. Women have thirteen chances to get pregnant each year.

  III. There were thirteen original colonies in the United States. You like freedom, don’t you?

  IV. Thirteen years old is the start of manhood. There’s nothing unlucky about getting lucky.

  V. Dan Marino wore No. 13. Remember, Dan’s the man.

  VI. Thirteen doughnuts are in a baker’s dozen; twelve to a dozen is just so “carton of eggs.”

  VII. The top-rated album of all time, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, has thirteen songs.

  VIII. Thirteen people attended the Last Supper. Twelve’s company, but thirteen’s a da Vinci painting.

  IX. The PG-13 rating. You can see some nudity AND hear the F-bomb in a movie.

  X. Michael Jordan’s shoe size is 13. Not exactly bad fortune there!

  XI. Aluminum is the most abundant metal in the earth’s crust and it’s No. 13 on the periodic table.

  XII. On the U.S. dollar bill, there are thirteen levels on the pyramid, thirteen arrows, thirteen stars, thirteen leaves, and thirteen olives. Is it no longer lucky to win a million of them?

  XIII. Last but not least, someone’s mom’s birthday was on Friday the 13th. And moms are good.

  Now that you’re convinced the number 13 is no longer bad, here’s a few hotels with a thirteenth floor for you to visit: Embassy Suites in Tampa, Florida; the International Palace Hotel in Recife, Brazil; and the Sè Hotel in San Diego, California. (I am sure the word “die” found in “San Diego” is just a coincidence.)

  №014

  Thomas Jefferson

  For the first U.S. political sex scandal.

  THE FACTS

  Thomas Jefferson was the third president of the United States (1801-1809). He was the main author of the Declaration of Independence, and he helped facilitate the Louisiana Purchase and commissioned the Lewis and Clark expedition. Arguably, he is one of the greatest U.S. presidents, and a founding father of the United States of America. Despite all of his achievements, the guy just couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

  As it turns out, Jefferson was accused of seducing a close friend’s wife. And he had an affair with the very married Maria Cosway. He also had a forty-year relationship with his wife’s half-sister, a slave named Sally Hemmings. They had six children together.

  [you] RIFE!

  Jefferson was the John Holmes of the American political sexual revolution. He paved the way for hundreds of political sex scandals throughout U.S. history. He opened the floodgates to presidential knee pads, Long Dong Silvers, madam clients, underage male pages, bastard births, restroom solicitations, parked car rendezvouses, and the mysterious deaths of countless mistresses. Thanks again!

  №015

  Ticketmaster

  For making a $20 ticket cost $32.50.

  THE FACTS

  Ticketmaster is a ticket sales and distribution company based in West Hollywood, California. If you have never heard of it, you should really get out of the house more often. It’s the company that sells almost all concert and sporting event tickets. The company is ridiculed for its outrageous service charges and has been accused, several times, of operating as a monopoly. However, Ticketmaster simply acts as an agent that sells the tickets its clients make available. So it’s impossible to charge Ticketmaster as an illegal monopoly because they are a third-party entity. But no matter how you look at it, Ticketmaster still sucks.

  [you] RIFE!

  Shame on you, Ticketmaster. Your greed has made nearly every concertgoer curse your name for bankrupting him. Your ridiculous charges nearly parallel the bands’ revenues. You are well hated and will undoubtedly fall at one point. And when you do, rest assured that we, the fans, will be there to kick ticket stubs in your face.

  Shame on you, venues. You accept millions from Ticketmaster, allowing the company to have exclusive ticket-selling rights. You are the reason Ticketmaster can indiscriminately jack up its prices in the first place. Instead of making ticket sales a competitive business, you made it a virtual monopoly. Don’t you get enough revenue from corporate sponsorship anyway (see RIFE №004)? You too have sold your souls to the devil.

  Shame on the fans. We buy the tickets. We should rise up and boycott these overpriced events! But who am I kidding? That’s never gonna happen. And besides, a picket line would just look like a ticket line anyway.

  Shame on Pearl Jam too. You were so close to winning a lawsuit against Ticketmaster. Shame on you for giving up. Get better lawyers and sue them again. Forget the venues and start playing in back-yards. Then you’d be cool again.

  №016

  Gillette

  For being too cutting-edge.

  THE FACTS

  Technology is great. Just look at all of the achievements and advancements you use in your daily life. Things seem to get faster, smaller, and smarter before you can fully sign your name on the service contract—it’s crazy. But some things just DON’T need improvement. For example, Gillette now has a six-blade razor! SIX! It should come with tourniquet instructions and a panic button directly linked to 911 in case you slice any major arteries.

  Hair always seems to grow in places we just don’t want it to. So people will try anything; they will cut, pluck, tweeze, Nair, wax, zap, and laser. But nothing seems to be as reliable as shaving. So we strive for a good close shave, but we don’t need six blades. It’s not like we are using Windex and a squeegee for aftershave.

  [you] RIFE!

  When I was five, I wanted to be like my dad. And why not? He was my hero—and my hero shaved. One morning, my peach-fuzz-covered mug must’ve felt a bit too scruffy. So I lathered up all by myself. Not only was I disappointed at the non-Cool Whip flavor of the shaving cream, but I also gashed my ear and started bawling. My hero quickly came to my rescue, and after he removed the blade he taught me the safe way for a kid to shave. That was only ONE blade.

  Can you imagine if it were six? I could’ve easily gotten the part of the cop that Mr. Blonde hacked up in Reservoir Dogs.

  Gillette. Back off! We don’t need a razor that can shave a porcupine bare. Nor do we need a kung fu grip handle that vibrates while playing Santana/Rob Thomas songs. And we certainly don’t need a bathroom weapon either. Here’s what we want: a razor that cuts hair… got it?

  №017

  Robert Ramon

  For making wine look cheap.

  THE FACTS

  When a waiter asks, ”Shall I unscrew it for you, sir?”, I always feel less than aristocratic.

  Perhaps you have heard that cork is becoming extinct? Or that there is a shortage? Or that harvesting it harms the environment? These are all FALSE rumors. Cork comes from a tree—the bark from the cork oak tree, to be exact. This tree is NOT cut down for cork extraction; only the bark is removed. This harvesting occurs about every nine years. A cork tree’s life span is
about two hundred years.

  Cork oak trees provide extensive biodiversity. They protect the soil from drying out, and some wildlife even depends upon the human cultivation of these cork forests for its survival. NOT harvesting cork actually HURTS the environment.

  “Cork taint” is the supposed spoiling of wine due to the use of cork. Corking, as it is also called, can be found in about 1 percent to 7 percent of bottles (depending on which study you believe). Curiously, cork taint still occurs even with the use of synthetic stoppers and screw caps. Hmmm…

  Robert Ramon invented his synthetic pseudo-cork in the eighties. Keep in mind that the “decade of excess” wasn’t exactly full of bright beverage ideas (e.g., Crystal Pepsi and New Coke).