[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

by Matthew Vincent

  [you] RIFE!

  Which do you think is healthier for our planet, cork or synthetic? Robert corkscrewed us with this stupid stopper. And if a winery tells you synthetic is superior in any way, it’s bullshit; they are just being cheap bastards AND hurting the environment. We all know where you should be sticking that fake cork!

  №018

  Mary Kay Letourneau

  For gettin’ it on with a thirteen-year-old.

  THE FACTS

  In June of 1996, thirteen-year-old Vili Fualaau was taken to the police station with his teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, after a policeman thought something suspicious was going on with the two of them in Mary’s parked minivan. They were let go after the boy’s mother vouched for Mary. A few days later, for the first time, the teacher and pupil did the deed. Apparently, Vili won a $20 bet with his classmate for bangin’ teach. About eight months later, after having sex three hundred to four hundred times with the boy, Mary was ratted out by her husband’s cousin. Consequently, the mother of four was arrested. At that time, she was five months pregnant with Vili’s child. Since she was pregnant, the police gave her a reduced suspended sentence of six months in jail. A month after she was released, the statutory rapist got caught with Vili again in a car with the windows fogged up. Mary was sent back to prison with another bun in the oven. This time she spent six and a half years in the slammer. Now she is free and married to her youthful, but legal, beau. The licentious couple will have a great story for their grandkids!

  [you] RIFE!

  A random mother says lovingly to her child, “Hurry up, Billy, it’s your first day of sixth grade, you don’t want to be late! Now remember: walk straight to school, don’t talk to strangers, just say no to drugs, and don’t let the teacher play with Mr. Pee Pee.”

  Mary, you thought your sexual acts with your child soul mate were “fate,” but everyone else called it “rape.” There is no sugarcoating it—you’re a pedophile. Now parents have to suspect the intentions of female schoolteachers around their children.

  Mary Kay, because of you, I hear Wal-Mart now sells chastity belts during the back-to-school rush.

  №019

  Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy

  For future ski-helmet laws.

  THE FACTS

  On the last day of 1997, Michael Kennedy died in a ski accident. Sonny Bono died on the slopes five days later. Both good skiers. Both hit trees. Now both dead. Even if they had been wearing helmets, neither would be alive today. Unfortunately, when famous people die, it attracts the press. Stories like these blow the danger of skiing out of proportion, and now some states are discussing unnecessary mandatory helmet laws. In fact, many resorts already have these rules enforced. Take note: There was no “crime scene investigation” for Michael’s or Sonny’s death. My malicious jumping tree theory still remains inconclusive.

  Believe it or not, deadly skiing accidents are rare, with under forty per year in the U.S. Please note, more than three hundred Americans die each year falling in the bathtub. Currently, there are no available studies analyzing the difficulty of shampooing while wearing head protection.

  [you] RIFE!

  In case you were born after 1980, Sonny Bono was a singer-songwriter most famous for performing with former wife Cher in their variety show. The high school dropout married four times before becoming the mayor of Palm Springs. He was kind of goofy but, for the most part, he was an okay guy. Unfortunately, he died while skiing without a helmet, so he made the RIFE list.

  On the other hand we have Michael Kennedy. Thanks, Mikey. You died hitting a tree while playing ski football. What is ski football, you ask? It’s apparently a deadly skiing game you play when you want to avoid statutory rape charges from an alleged affair with the family’s underage babysitter.

  The more recent tragedy that happened to the Thuringian minister-president and a forty-one-year-old woman only confuse matters more. The helmet-less woman died instantly during a collision with the heavily headed, helmet-wearing prime minister. Now we see that headgear can kill too.

  Take note, usually people who die while skiing do it by going way too fast and hitting a tree. Here is an idea: If you want to avoid death, don’t do that! Slow the fuck down, and if you see a trunk—turn.

  №02000

  McGraw-Hill

  For promoting the Y2K fear.

  THE FACTS

  Y2K stands for: [Y]ou’ve got [2] be [K]idding!

  In 1996, McGraw-Hill Publishers changed the name of a 1984 nonfiction book and rereleased it as The Year 2000 Computing Crisis. The book took as its focus the number of software programs that stored years as two digits instead of four—for example, 99 instead of 1999—and discussed the potentially devastating effects this would have on our computer-run world when the clocks rolled over at midnight at the turn of the millennium and long-working computer systems broke down. As most of you well know, it was blown more than slightly out of proportion. So if you are still in your bomb shelter, you can come out now. It was all a hoax.

  [you] RIFE!

  If FDR were alive in the late nineties, he would have revised his statement to say, “We have nothing to fear but Y2K itself!” The whole world thought we would be swallowed by a black hole and transported to some Amish farm in Ohio when the ball dropped for the new millennium. Many stocked up on food, water, and guns waiting for the apocalyptic computer meltdown. If you weren’t at least a little scared, you were lying. Some even withdrew their life savings from their banks and hid it under their ammunition crates (little did they know they were eight years too early).

  The showdown between the modern world and a couple of forgotten computer code digits was quite anticlimactic. The only winners in the cyber-war were a couple of overstocked army surplus stores, a bunch of pocket-protector-wearing techies, and, of course, McGraw-Hill. About the only thing that happed was that London’s Millennium Wheel failed to operate (but for unrelated reasons). Thanks for the good times!

  №021

  Alcohol

  For being the devil’s nectar.

  THE FACTS

  Alcoholism was declared an illness by the American Medical Association in 1956. E.M. Jellinek wrote a book called The Disease Concept of Alcoholism in 1960, further exploring the topic.

  Even the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence believes alcoholism is a mental addiction that drives someone to drink. Alcohol has such a stronghold on humans that the U.S. government even tried to outlaw liquor during Prohibition, but it just didn’t stick. The sauce kept calling us back!

  [you] RIFE!

  If a drunk were to explain the effects of alcohol, he’d tell you what’s what (probably while slurring and uncontrollably spitting in your face). Alcohol could force you to lose your job, your girlfriend, and your license. It may enable sexual relations with unsightly riffraff. It can give you headaches and mood swings, and it can make you puke or black out, and even poison you. It can take control of your motor skills, forcing you to stick your hand where it doesn’t belong. It makes you say things you’ll regret and causes bad breath. It also inhibits your ability to operate heavy machinery. I even had a buddy in college who was forced by alcohol to pee his pants in his sleep… (Okay, it was me. I did it. And that poor futon was never quite the same.)

  Some people have the audacity to disagree with the claims that alcoholism is a disease and an addiction. Obviously, they were never left alone in a college dorm room with a full bottle of cinnamon schnapps when they were sixteen years old. Hell, you might even believe that alcohol was an airborne disease if you saw the way that firewater jumped from the bottle to my throat.

  Well anyway, if you ever find yourself lying on a park bench covered with newspapers and reeking of your own vomit after being kicked out of the house, you can blame alcoholism for being a disease. But mostly, you can blame doctors for NEVER finding a cure. Cheers!

  №022

  The inventor of plastic packaging

  For causing unnecessary ER v
isits.

  THE FACTS

  Okay, after extensive and exhaustive research (twenty minutes of searching on Google), the inventor of plastic packaging could not be uncovered. Apparently the creator is so ashamed of his creation, he has gone to great lengths to conceal his identity. Well, whoever you are, we still loathe you.

  The fact is, plastic packaging sucks. I am referring to the vacuum-sealed clamshell kind. You know the type, the one that appears to be superglued around all the edges, making it nearly impossible to extract what’s inside.

  This near-lethal packaging puts about six thousand Americans in the emergency room every year with sliced arteries and dangling fingers in critical need of stitches. With seasonal gift giving, a noticeable spike in emergency room visits occurs around Christmastime.

  [you] RIFE!

  Prior to opening these packages, you should consider calling the fire department for assistance, because you need nothing less than the Jaws of Life to break into the casing. If you do it yourself, you may still be speed-dialing emergency services after you sever your finger with a utility knife.

  Apparently this type of packaging reduces theft. Whoop-de-fuckin’-doo! Get some magnetic buzzers like everyone else. It is dangerous, consumers hate it, and the additional plastic is certainly not helping our environment.

  And if anyone finds out who invented this shit, let me know.

  №023

  O.J. Simpson’s (first) jury

  For letting a guilty man walk free.

  THE FACTS

  On July 22, 1994, O.J. Simpson answered the question “How do you plead?” at his arraignment with “Absolutely 100 percent not guilty, your honor.” The prosecution thought it had substantial evidence to convict the ex-football hero. But after months of drama, the trial ended. Half of all Americans watched live to hear the verdict agree with Simpson’s original not-guilty plea. The rest of the world was dumbfounded.

  Over a year later, a civil trial jury unanimously found O.J. liable for the wrongful deaths of Goldman and Brown. He was ordered to pay $33 million in damages.

  It is estimated that you have better than a two-to-one chance of getting away with murder. So if you are looking for a little extra shove to snuff out that irksome spouse, and you have the bankroll for first-rate counsel, the odds are scarily favorable for you to get away with murder. Just make sure you do it in America, where your chance is about 58 percent. Your odds to dodge a conviction in other countries are less favorable: Britain, 26 percent; Russia, 10 percent; China, 2 percent; and Japan, 0.03 percent.

  [you] RIFE!

  Where did they find this jury anyway? Pardons “R” Us? After the verdict was read, I was waiting for the Candid Camera crew to reveal themselves. But they never did. What seemed an impossible Hail Mary pass ended in a shocking home-team defeat. Perhaps the jury was hypnotically dazzled by the overly catchy lawyer’s rhyme: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

  And, of course, we have the lawyers to point fingers at. What can I say? (No—really—what can I say without being sued?) Anyway, we learned that with a flawed system and lots of cash, the power of self-preservation should never be underestimated. So remember the odds if you have a taste for blood. I guess the question is, “Do you feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?

  Luckily, karma came around to right the wrong with O.J.’s Vegas robbery verdict.

  №024

  Guy standing up at a concert

  For ruining a good time.

  THE FACTS

  Live music is one of my personal passions. The anticipation of lights dimming and that initial uproar of the crowd cheering in unison are unparalleled. The first riff gives me goose bumps. The experience can be exhilarating for many. Unfortunately, it’s usually ruined by some annoying jerkwad.

  [you] RIFE!

  The guy who just won’t sit down in his seat ruins the concert experience. Let’s get one thing straight: Concerts only have two options in regards to seating. One is an actual seat. The other is no seat at all; it’s just general admission, standing room only. In the case of the latter, it’s okay to stand, jump up and down, bump into people, rush the stage, and even crowd-surf. However, if you paid for a seat, USE IT. Stand up for the first couple songs, showing your support while waving your arms, and then sit the fuck down. You are being irritating and you’re pissing off everyone behind you. This type of behavior is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated.

  Other guys (and girls) that make the concertgoing experience less than enjoyable:

  • Guy too drunk and belligerent at a concert. (Just pass out already.)

  • Guy throwing bottles at a concert. (Great idea, dipshit.)

  • Guy singing too loudly at a concert. (Sing, just not louder than the band.)

  • Girl screeching when her favorite song starts at a concert. (Please stop.)

  • Guy wearing a T-shirt of the band he is seeing at a concert. (Don’t be that guy.)

  №025

  Richard Gere

  For making it a sin to own a gerbil.

  THE FACTS

  America. The land of gossip, rumors, and dirty laundry. Our constant craving for celebrity mischief is overwhelming. Especially if it’s of a sexual nature. The paparazzi continually serve it up fresh, and we keep gorging.

  As rumors go, this is a doozy… The allegation goes that Richard Gere supposedly went to the emergency room with a foreign object lodged up his rectum in 1993. An X-ray was taken and the object in question was revealed to be a gerbil. He was then rushed into surgery, where the top surgeons in Los Angeles extracted the asphyxiated rodent.

  Okay, I admit it, we had a few gerbils and hamsters when we were children. However, thanks to Richard, it is very embarrassing to admit. So yeah, I may have spun poor Peattie on the ottoman until he was dizzy—but I NEVER partook in rodent ramming.

  [you] RIFE!

  So who is really to blame for this nonsense? Some say Gere’s nemesis Sylvester Stallone. Apparently, they rubbed each other the wrong way during a lunch break while on the set of some crappy movie. They were in a car and Gere was responsible for some greasy mustard dribbling on Sly’s thigh. It’s unclear if the grease penetrated Stallone’s pants, but there must have been some dry cleaning involved. It came to be a fight, with the officer and (so-called) gentleman getting Stallone kicked off the movie’s set.

  Quite frankly, Mr. Gere only made matters worse: He never denied the gerbil claim when it was alleged. But mostly, it was the public’s fault for wanting to believe such an intrusive rumor. Either way, if you own a gerbil, make sure you “hide” it before your friends arrive, NOT while they’re there.

  №026

  Coppertone

  For inventing sunless tanning lotion.

  THE FACTS

  Soaking up the sun used to be great. You got a nice golden-brown skin tone and acquired more than a daily dose of vitamin D. Unfortunately, after many years of studies, we found out that excessive sun exposure is linked to skin cancer. So what do we do to compensate? We use sunblock to enjoy a carefree time under the sun. Unfortunately, instances of skin cancer are not declining. Recent studies are suggesting agents in sun protection lotion may be causing cancer as well. I know, I know—damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

  The Skin Cancer Foundation estimates that more than six hundred thousand new cases of skin cancer arise each year. Is there a way to avoid the sun and still be tan? One solution is to apply brown shoe polish liberally. The other is sunless tanning cream. However, beware of misuse, as you may be forced to join the comedy circuit with Carrot Top.

  [you] RIFE!

  Coppertone invented sunless tanning lotion. The company’s scientists must have secretly added a chemical to its sunless ointment that causes color-blindness (similar to beer goggles). This must be why people think they look good after using it. TAKE OFF your shady spectacles. It’s not a Caribbean tan, you’re ORANGE! In case you were wondering, humans are NOT inherently pumpkin-colored. But if you still wis
h for a sunless tanned physique, and you aren’t expecting an Oscar win (yeah, we are talkin’ about you, Charlize), you can always give it a try.

  Be realistic when it comes to skin cancer protection. Pretending you are a vampire is not the solution. Turning yourself into bunny food isn’t recommended either. Go play in the sun with some applied SPF and try to avoid using Crisco as a tanning accelerant. Just don’t go to extremes. Here’s a helpful mental chart to follow: If the sun gives you blisters, or if self-bronzer turns you into a Cheeto, then you’ve gone overboard. Use common sense: Too much of anything is bad.

  №027

  BP

  For you know what.

  THE FACTS

  Usually, everyone’s life trots along at a steady pace. There may be slight ups and subtle downs that you have control over. And we have to admit, in the heat of the moment, most seemingly significant choices are actually minuscule in the grand scheme of things. Typically, what defines our integrity and character is just a handful of split second decisions. These decisions can make or break us, and sometimes… it can affect the masses. And yet the right choice always seemed so clearly black and white in hindsight. Or, in BP’s eyes, just black. Black for the oil they leaked, black in their neglect, and black for the human and environmental casualties they caused.