[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

by Matthew Vincent

  Come on, Ruth! The world is superficial enough. We don’t need to encourage little Jane’s bulimia and boob job, nor to promote young Billy’s steroid use and penis pump.

  Ruth Handler was not all bad. Ironically, after she had breast cancer and a mastectomy, she invented a prosthetic breast called the Nearly Me. Many breast cancer victims found relief in the prosthesis, as it matched the weight and density of a natural breast. Karma’s a bitch, but we forgive you.

  №037

  Tiger

  For actually being a cheetah!

  THE FACTS

  Prior to November 2009, if Tiger Woods stood on a roof and shouted down to fans, “I am a golden god,” nobody would have disputed it—not even Tiger. And why not? Woods has won fourteen major golf championships, is the youngest to achieve the career grand slam, and has held the No. 1 position longer than any other golfer. Oh, and he made more money than any other athlete in 2008—$110 million.

  Believe it or not, Mr. Woods originally made it into this book “for not letting anyone else win”! It was a lighthearted story that crowned my (ex-)sports hero king of golf and applauded him for being an all-around swell guy. But NO—what we get instead is a strange car accident involving a tree, a fire hydrant, and a nine iron. And then WHOA Nelly—and Rachel… and Kalika… and Mindy… and Jamie… and another one named Jamiee… and Cori… and Holly… and Joslyn…

  Who knows if they are all legit? And really, who cares about the number after the tally gets higher than you can count on a single golf glove?

  [you] RIFE!

  That was the last straw for me. I no longer watch pro sports. I’ve switched to less scandalous professional entertainment—late night Cinemax.

  Tiger made us realize that cute fuzzy gophers weren’t the only sneaky rodents roaming the golf course. But if you’re still a Tiger fan, don’t worry: If he’s anything like his furry friends, he’ll burrow his way out of his hole in no time singing the Caddyshack theme song. In fact, I’m sure by the time you are reading this, Tiger will be back at the top of his game and the forgetful public will be cheering for the cheater and buying sports drinks with his ten-timing face printed on the label.

  №038

  Peter Cooper Hewitt

  For giving us horrible lighting.

  THE FACTS

  American Peter Cooper Hewitt patented the first mercury vapor lamp in 1901. This low-pressure lamp was the very first prototype of today’s modern fluorescent lights. Thanks for nothing!

  [you] RIFE!

  I wish fluorescent lights would go away. I support great light quality and horrible efficiency! GO INCANDESCENT!

  Yeah, yeah, yeah… fluorescents are better for the environment. Unfortunately, they give off horrible light quality, and they flicker and buzz. The fluorescent light is like the Prius of cars. It’s really economical and a good idea, but it’s ugly and we can’t stop it!

  Apparently, Ned Flanders is the only one who likes them. He once said, “Oooh, they hum like angels! You’re never lonely if you’ve got a fluorescent light!”

  When someone gets a great idea, a lightbulb pops up above his head, but NOT a fluorescent tube! There is good reason for this: It’s because, besides taking a few seconds to flicker on, the fluorescent tube was a crappy idea with poor execution. And thanks to Hewitt’s technology, we now have terrible lighting in countless offices, hospitals, and municipal buildings around the world.

  Fluorescent lights downgrade the quality of any space. And their melancholic glow is enough to drive anyone off the edge. How many people have slipped into chronic depression because of badly lit offices? Well, I don’t know the answer to that, but even one is too many (unless, of course, it’s that one asshole who never refills the printer paper).

  №039

  Dr. Martin Cooper

  For making us too available!

  THE FACTS

  Dr. Martin Cooper invented the cellular phone. He came up with the sophisticated technology responsible for the cell phone when he was the director of research and development at Motorola. Now he’s the CEO of the ArrayComm antenna corporation.

  [you] RIFE!

  Thanks a lot, doc; now we are available, all the time.

  The mobile phone could be claimed as one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century. However, I would argue against it. Really, all it does is make us reachable every second of every day. Is that a good thing? Is the trade-off worth it? Do you want to “get away”? Well, too bad, you can’t ’cause you own a cell phone. And of course, you can never NOT answer your cell phone because then you’re an asshole phone-dodger. Not to mention that you always get that itch of curiosity to find out what the call is about.

  Besides making us constantly available, the mobile device is probably causing us to develop cancer, making us infertile and impotent due to the digital radiation, and creating a whole new array of repetitive motion injuries. I know Travolta became smart with one in Phenomenon, but I would prefer to avoid a brain tumor! And quite frankly, I am getting tired of loud phone conversations everywhere I go. It happens waiting in line, on airplanes, at restaurants, in elevators and movie theaters—enough already. Stop the insanity! If you are going to do it, learn how to use your “inside” voice. I guess one benefit of cell phone overexposure is knowing that the loud-talking dickwad in line at Starbucks gabbing on his phone is going to eventually have his penis fall off from harmful mobile phone emissions! So at least we have that to look forward to!

  №040

  Edward A. Murphy

  For creating a “law” for stuff to go wrong.

  THE FACTS

  Definition: Murphy’s Law—if anything can go wrong, it will.

  The suggestive saying was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on an Air Force project at Edwards Air Force Base. A rocket deceleration test failed to record needed data. Murphy discovered the failure was the result of his assistant wiring a transducer backwards. Murphy got a little pissed about the mistake and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.” The project manager wrote this down on his list of “laws” and called it Murphy’s Law.

  Shortly afterward, Dr. John Paul Stapp, one of the test riders for the deceleration track, was in an important press conference. He was asked a question regarding safety and how the test riders avoided being hurt during the rocket-sled tests. He said that their good safety record was due to a firm belief in Murphy’s Law and the challenge to try and evade it. The saying stuck after being published in a few journals.

  [you] RIFE!

  Thanks a lot, Murph! You gave it a name…

  Now anything that can go wrong will, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way. All because of your little hissy fit!

  Here are a few other unnecessary sayings that precipitate bad things happening just because they were given a name: crying wolf, the domino effect, alcoholism, schadenfreude, and the Bermuda triangle. Even when someone says, “Don’t drop that!”, you are certainly ten times more likely to. When analyzed, it’s more of a chicken-and-egg debate—if there were no chicken there would be no egg—hence no debate. What we have learned is that when you drop a piece of toast with peanut butter on the floor, you can be sure it will land on the bad side. But let’s say it actually landed gooey side up (and you took the three-second rule into account). Would you still eat it anyway?

  №041

  Clarence Thomas

  For calling it “Long Dong Silver.”

  THE FACTS

  Sexual harassment laws are relatively new to society. The United States adopted the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but even then, the first lawsuits filed under its auspices did not happen until the 1970s. Since then, interpretation of the law has broadened.

  Unfortunately for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, he was not immune to these laws during his Supreme Court nomination proceedings in 1981. The sexual harassment allegations from Anita Hill ignited a media frenzy prior to Thomas’s appointment. The nat
ionally televised hearing sparked many longstanding water-cooler jokes over such phrases as “There is a pubic hair in my Coke!” and a certain penis in question named “Long Dong Silver.” In the end, the hearing failed to substantiate Anita’s claims. These events didn’t help Clarence’s already skimpy qualifications. Nonetheless, this man made it to the highest judicial position in the land. The Senate elected him with a 52-48 vote (which was the smallest margin in Supreme Court history).

  [you] RIFE!

  Sexual harassment trials in later years that sided against men show us Clarence acted similarly to guilty parties. Also, Clarence said Anita was a “mediocre” employee. If this were true, why did Mr. Thomas hire her twice? It has to be one or the other: She was either a good employee, or he just wanted to sleep with her. Something smells fishy!

  Did he rape her? No, but he still made crude sexual remarks to Anita and made her feel uncomfortable in the workplace. This type of accusation should not be associated with a Supreme Court justice.

  So the next time you are thinking about discussing your pubes at the water cooler with a member of the opposite sex, remember that there is a good chance you can get away with it. Hell, you may even be promoted (especially if you are a Republican).

  №042

  Chemie Grünenthal

  For causing thalidomide birth defects.

  THE FACTS

  Wilhelm Kunz, a trained pharmacist, discovered thalidomide by accident while synthesizing drug compounds for the German pharmaceutical company Chemie Grünenthal. The drug was used to treat morning sickness in pregnant women. And while it was quite effective at treating nausea, it was also tragically efficient at disrupting the normal development of fetuses. Thousands of children in countries around the world were born with birth defects that included malformed limbs and supernumerary appendages

  [you] RIFE!

  Herr Kuntz, Sie haben es für alle ruiniert! What were you thinking? You were a pharmacist, not a scientist. You were trained to distribute drugs, not make them. And shame on you, Chemie Grünenthal! Your greed kept you from properly testing thalidomide before releasing it to the public. You were blinded by visions of beaucoup Deutschemarks in your eyes and sold it anyway. More than ten thousand children in forty-six countries were born with deformities because of your neglect. Let’s not forget, this is the same kind of bullshit that made Harrison Ford a Fugitive.

  №043

  W.

  For calling them “freedom fries.”

  THE FACTS

  George W. Bush set us back decades in so many ways. I don’t have the time, or energy, to express all of my negative views toward his idiocy. The entire book could be dedicated to his blight. Nonetheless, I will focus on merely a tiny blunder of his reign: “freedom fries.”

  Bush and his posse decided to rename french fries “freedom fries” after the French opposed the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. Some conservatives, for a while, boycotted French goods in retaliation as well. Bush’s cronies, Robert Ney and Walter Jones, instigated the change in the House of Representatives’ cafeterias, which later caught on to various restaurants across the country. They intended it to express our displeasure with France. However, the name change was a ridiculous and childish way to express irritation. Not to mention that french fries come from Belgium. Many argue that there should have been a more intelligent way to show displeasure.

  [you] RIFE!

  You dickhead! You ruined our world standing. I have tried to mentally block out all of your wrongdoings about as effectively as sunlight through a window. All I can say is: freedom fries? Are you serious? This was your quiet temper tantrum against the French for not supporting a meaningless war? That’s why French people now call American cheese “idiot cheese.”

  I leave you with a few of my favorite Bush quotes:

  • “See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” October 3, 2003.

  • “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” February 21, 2001.

  • “The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our No. 1 priority and we will not rest until we find him.” September 13, 2001.

  • “I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” March 13, 2002.

  №044

  Barack Obama

  For promoting a dying technology.

  THE FACTS

  Barack is doing a pretty good job mopping up the Bush mess and presidentially sweeping it under the oval rug. Let’s just say he hasn’t ruined anything major—yet. And I hope by the time you’re reading this he hasn’t been caught next to an intern with his pants down while signing a communistic health care-reform document.

  If you are not aware, Obama has allocated a large wad of cash into America’s broadband infrastructure. About $8 billion is being poured into the construction of new broadband Internet networking in hopes of improving connectivity in rural areas.

  The allocation of monies is a bit vague. However, I guarantee the cable and phone companies’ mouths are salivating to add more customers through cable and improved fiber optic telephone lines. The problem is that this technology is on its way out. The world is going wireless. We should be allocating most of the money to wireless connectivity. If we don’t, we are just going to be left with a lot of useless wires blocking our view of the deer and the antelope at play, purple mountain majesties above the fruited plains, and the rockets’ red glare!

  [you] RIFE!

  We know what you are trying to do, Barack—you are trying to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and better America’s Internet connectivity at the same time. You even mention how well it worked with our road system back in the day. But why spend time and money laying down thousands of miles of broadband Internet lines in rural areas when it’s not economical? Instead, we should be investing in 4G and other wireless technology. Yes, we would still be No. 20 in the world for landlines, but we would be No. 1 in wireless connectivity. Boo-ya! Take that, Japan!

  Yes, the idea worked in the past with creating roadways and bridges to improve our economy. However, it’s a different era, and we need to allocate our resources intelligently. If you want to invest in old technology, develop better pothole fillers that can last longer than one winter!

  Barack, try not to make it on the list again, and stop apologizing for every little thing (it makes you look wimpy).

  №045

  Albert and Joe Cobble

  For making carpet affordable.

  THE FACTS

  Carpet sucks.

  In 1949, the Cobble brothers teamed up with a bedspread company and made the first tufting machinery wide enough to produce carpeting in a single pass. This, along with the use of cheaper backing materials, made wall-to-wall carpet accessible and affordable to the masses. Eventually, carpet became a cheap way to cover unfinished wood floors. This, of course, led the way for scuzzy landlords to quickly resurface floors by covering up stains and chalk outlines in trashy low-rent apartments.

  [you] RIFE!

  Al and Joe, I blame you for making our living spaces harbor microscopic filthiness. To put it mildly, carpet is disgusting. It looks cheap and trashy. The only way to really clean it is to burn it. Aside from being aesthetically grotesque, it can contain lead, dust mites, allergens, bacteria, and the memory of everyone’s smelly bare feet. The fuzzy bacteria trap also harbors everything that is spilled on it, not to mention every human byproduct under the sun, including, but not limited to, dead skin, dandruff, dried deodorant, boogers, sneezes, sleepy seeds, scabs, spit, sweat, toe jam, barf, earwax, pubes, and anything that can be projectile-launched from a baby. Thanks!

  Like a tree’s rings, I am certain our future culture and even extraterrestrials will study present-day living habits by analyzing the spills in our carpets. God knows they’ll last longer than we will.

&nbs
p; №046

  Dr. Seymour Butts

  For inventing the hospital gown.

  THE FACTS

  Dr. Seymour Butts invented the hospital gown. He may have collaborated with someone else, but I assure you it was not Tim Gunn. This garment—also known as a patient gown, exam gown, or johnny shirt—is a short-sleeved, thigh-length, awkwardly sized garment worn by patients in hospitals and other medical facilities. If you have never worn one, you must be the picture of health, or perhaps have been imprisoned since birth in an Austrian basement, having never seen the light of day.

  Whether worn frontward or backward, they’re awkward, uncomfortable, and quite revealing.

  The “better” hospital gown is made of cotton that can withstand repeated laundering in hot water and is fastened at the back with twill tape ties. However, 80 percent of hospitals now use disposable hospital gowns made of ungainly paper or thin plastic. Both suck equally.

  [you] RIFE!

  Mr. Butts, you stink as a designer. And, quite frankly, we must put some blame on the fashion industry too. Why hasn’t someone designed something better? It seems to me that there is a lot of money to be made if every patient in every hospital needs one. And Tim Gunn, you should share the blame as well. Though few would debate that the old version looks better when worn by Heidi Klum, why have your “designers” NOT had a “challenge” where they had to create a fashion-forward hospital habit?