[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

by Matthew Vincent

  [you] RIFE!

  I could talk all day about blowout preventers, bad legislation, Minerals Management Service, greedy oil supermajors, Transocean, Halliburton, and a slimy yacht racing CEO. But I am not going to bore you with the details—you already know it’s a catastrophic headache that even a tanker-sized Tylenol can’t cure. So let’s focus on the root of the crude mess in America’s gulf. Whose decision was it? When was the moment? And what the fuck? Well, it was BP—it was clearly when they gave priority to profits in lieu of safety—and obviously, it’s because they are affiliated with Satan.

  As it turns out, this is another one of those, “How did we not see this thing coming?” moments. Not only is BP really terrific at filling up the gulf with hazardous sludge, but they are also really crafty at breaking safety records and paying fines to avoid criminal prosecution. During the past few years, OSHA slapped BP with 760, of what they call, “egregious and willful” safety violations. Whereas Sunoco, Conoco-Phillips, Citgo, and Exxon only had 19 combined. And remember, these oil giants weren’t exactly at the top of Mother Theresa’s holiday mailing list either.

  So if you see something dark brown floating in the water, I’ll bet you some black gold that you’re either in a Bill Murray movie or you’re sitting on a beach in the Gulf of Mexico. Be sure to thank BP for skimping on the ounce of prevention that could have been worth barrels of cure.

  №028

  Chinese boys

  For being so valuable.

  THE FACTS

  In China, girls rule and boys duel. Here’s the problem: In 1979, Chinese ruler Deng Xiaoping introduced the one-child policy because his country’s population was growing out of control. The law stayed in effect for thirty years. Essentially, the Chinese government would punish couples with ridiculous fines for having more than one child. It even forced sterilization or IUD insertion after a mother had her first child. What was the fallout? For every one hundred girls born, there were one hundred and twenty boys born. The problem was that most Chinese couples preferred boys and went to great lengths to have one.

  So why are there so many extra Y chromosomes in the communist nation? Don’t ask, ’cause you really don’t want to know. But I can tell you that now ultrasounds are illegal in China. You can still get one in some cases, but the doctors won’t tell you the baby’s sex. Also, two doctors must be present during the procedure, and everyone is watched on closed-circuit TV. Say cheese!

  [you] RIFE!

  So what makes boys so valuable in China? Isn’t the song called “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? You see, birthing a son allows a couple to carry the family legacy. But even more, bearing a boy is the parents’ retirement plan. It’s expected that male children will support their parents in old age. That makes sense… nobody wants to end up in a rest home (see RIFE №080).

  What does all of this mean? Well, right now there are thirty-two million more boys than girls under the age of twenty in China. And those boys will need brides (or at least some action). But they aren’t going to be finding it… Enter the crime scene. Some Chinese parents and criminals go to unthinkable lengths to profit from this bad situation. Boys are kidnapped and sold to sonless parents. Girls are sold overseas or kidnapped, raised, and forced into marriage. And soon there will be an excessive imbalance of elderly people needing support. And all these poor boys will be competing over a few higher-paying jobs and even fewer women. I hope China has a plan for this mess. If not, the government better start drafting for Catholic priesthood and give serious tax rebates for gay marriages.

  №029

  Dick Fuld

  For being a greedy CEO.

  THE FACTS

  If the three magic words in real estate are “location,” “location,” and “location,” then the magic words in corporate America must be “greed,” “greed,” and “greed.”

  Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. was a worldwide financial services firm founded in 1850. If it involved money, banking, or lending, Lehman was doing it—and doing it with a vengeance. The financial company had been on the express train until its startling demise in 2008, when it fell limp.

  Dick Fuld was the last chairman and CEO of Lehman Brothers. This pud rammed a hundred-and-fifty-year-old company into the ground because of his gluttonous greed. During his fourteen years of leading Lehman to bankruptcy, his total compensation was around $500 million.

  [you] RIFE!

  Dick, you certainly live up to your name. You really ruined it for everyone. You got fat stacks while at the same time dicking over your company—not to mention giving the shaft to America’s economy. This peckerhead promoted subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and then spooged out even more money by turning the risky debt into bonds. These sketchy debts went sour and brought the world to its knee pads. Pricks like Dick have led the world to financial disaster, and they’re the reason the U.S. dollar isn’t worth a single square of toilet paper.

  Mr. Fuld fooled us all. I guess he forgot that it was America’s economy he was playing with, not a game of pocket pool. So keep your eye out for cheats like him. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. And if you are a conglomerate, make sure you pay your CEOs appropriately, judging their success on length, not girth.

  №030

  Thomas Monaghan

  For ending thirty-minutes-or-it’s-free pizza.

  THE FACTS

  I want my pizza hot and delivered to my stoop in under thirty minutes or I ain’t paying for it, DAMMIT! When we were kids, we used to wait by the door with a stopwatch! Those were the days of pizza hot and fast. Too bad—that era is long gone.

  Domino’s Pizza was founded in 1960, and it began the “30 Minutes or It’s Free” campaign in 1973. Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza, decided to pull the twenty-year-long campaign in 1993. At that time, a couple of lawsuits were decided against his company because the guarantee promoted reckless employee driving. One accident, resulting in death, fetched $2.8 million, while another driver, whose head and back were injured, was awarded $78 million.

  [you] RIFE!

  Thomas shouldn’t have caved in so easily. And he should have hired better lawyers. Don’t get me wrong, I usually root for the little guy, but hell, so many large companies become such magnets for huge lawsuits that you can’t help but feel a little remorse for them. Regardless, he’s the reason you can’t get fast pizza anymore.

  It sucks when your stomach is growling and you know the pizza is going to be late, and most likely cold. Nonetheless, try to give Domino’s a break. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it out on the delivery guys, as they are only human. Besides, you’d lose your appetite anyway if a family of four’s blood ended up splattered on your pizza box.

  And if you STILL want pizza in under thirty minutes, move to India, Israel, or Mexico, because Domino’s still has the guarantee there!

  №031

  Guabntánamo Bay

  For producing terrorists.

  THE FACTS

  If we only knew the real facts… This account is more of a guesstimate.

  [you] RIFE!

  The Guantánamo Bay detention facility consists of several prison camps operated by the United States in Cuba. It has been in operation since 1987 and is scheduled to close down during the Obama administration. The lockup has been under scrutiny for torturous interrogation techniques since the Bush administration.

  Imagine for a minute that you are captured by another government’s military. You are treated worse than a Michael Vick voodoo doll in the hands of PETA. You’re then flown halfway around the world to a place you’ve never heard of. There you are locked up, interrogated, and tortured for something you may or may not have done. You are held without charges and without a trial. All around you see countless victims being violated and grotesquely treated. This goes on for six years before you are released. What would you do about it? Seek revenge?

  I’m sure you can find some studies to support claims that prison camp
detainment and torture builds excellent leadership qualities. Thanks, America—you are creating super-terrorists!

  Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush promoted torture and violence in the wake of 9/11. This “us or them” attitude was wrong. Especially when we didn’t know who “they” were! It’s just adding fuel to the fire!

  Then again, it takes one kind of person to suggest torture, and a totally different type to implement it. The U.S. soldiers who carried out these inhumane orders should be ashamed. Who did you think you were? Jack Nicholson? Trust me—we can handle the truth. Were you so brainwashed that you couldn’t see right from wrong? I admire and appreciate that you protect our country, but try to be a human being too.

  Here’s the problem: If the prisoners were not terrorists prior to being detained, you can bet your waterboard they will be once they’re freed. Job well done!

  №032

  Tweekers

  For putting Sudafed behind the counter.

  THE FACTS

  A tweeker is someone who uses methamphetamines, a.k.a. crystal meth. It is one dirty drug. It’s usually smoked, but can be injected, snorted, or even shoved up the ass (with or without Richard’s gerbil). After the drug is taken, meth enters the bloodstream and stimulates the dopamine receptors. This makes the user enter a state of euphoria for up to twelve hours. The “high” is similar to cocaine but lasts much longer.

  Sudafed, and other brands of decongestants, contain one of the ingredients used in the manufacture of crystal meth. The pseudoephedrine is cooked out of these medicines and is then combined with other agents to make the drug. This means people who make crystal meth need to get their hands on as much Sudafed as possible. And therein lays the problem.

  [you] RIFE!

  So your nose is stuffed up? Well then, when you get to the drugstore, head toward the pharmacy counter, because you will not find any useful medicine on the shelves. And don’t forget your ID, because you will get carded. And I hope it’s not a lingering cold, because you are only allowed nine grams per month. Law enforcement has also added MethCheck software to most pharmacies. So if everyone in your family gets a cold or your allergies flare up, you may just be investigated for cooking meth.

  Thanks a lot, tweekers! Luckily, your punishment fits your nasty lifestyle. Your body will get sores all over and your teeth will crack and rot out, and you’ll have the sensation of bugs crawling all over you skin. Are you feeling itchy?

  №033

  Chaka

  For graffiti-covered cities.

  THE FACTS

  Chaka, a.k.a. Daniel Ramos, was an infamous graffiti tagger in the early nineties. He got his name from a furry little character found on the TV show Land of the Lost. Every night, from 11 PM to 5 AM, Ramos would arm himself with about eight stolen cans of black and silver spray paint. He tagged signs and buildings throughout the West Coast with CHAKA. It was estimated by authorities that the tagger painted his name on ten thousand surfaces, resulting in more than $500,000 in property damage (although he later claimed the number to be closer to forty thousand tags).

  After the conviction, he was sentenced to three years probation and fifteen hundred hours of community service (graffiti cleanup). Later, he was busted for trespassing on an L.A. city golf course and for possession of marijuana. He had another brush with the law in 1998, when he got caught stealing shoes at a department store. He was sentenced to jail for fifteen months. The tagger even had the audacity to scratch his name inside the elevator of the courthouse he was tried in.

  [you] RIFE!

  Brilliant, Ramos. Because of you and taggers like you, spray paint is now under lock and key. You cluttered cities with senseless graffiti and you stole thousands of cans of spray paint. Now, to this day, we have to track down a sales clerk just to buy some damn paint.

  Unfortunately, Ramos gave a great art form a bad name.

  Luckily, Chaka has been out of the limelight for a while. However, he resurfaced to do an art show in Los Angeles in April 2009. I just hope he keeps his paint on the canvas this time. And by the way, I hope Chaka doesn’t leave his art unattended in the wee hours of the night…

  №034

  Mark David Chapman

  For robbing us of John Lennon.

  THE FACTS

  On December 8, 1980, Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon three times in the back and once in the shoulder. This bloody display happened outside of Lennon’s New York apartment late in the evening. One of the bullets pierced Lennon’s aorta, resulting in severe blood loss. Police officers rushed him to the hospital in their cruiser. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on arrival.

  After Chapman shot Lennon, he stayed at the scene, pulled out his copy of The Catcher in the Rye, and waited for the police to arrive. He was willingly apprehended. Later, at the station, he actually told the police, “I’m sure the large part of me is Holden Caulfield, who is the main person in the book, the small part of me must be the devil.” (Yeah, I don’t know what that means either… I think the book’s a good read, but it doesn’t cause demonic possession!)

  Chapman was sentenced to twenty years to life. He has been denied parole five times.

  [you] RIFE!

  Mark Chapman shocked the world with his ungodly actions. Not only did he destroy a rock legend, he also assassinated an icon for peace. John Lennon used his fame wisely to promote social change and hope. His antiwar message prompted the era’s younger generation to be active and aware of the world around them. John Lennon’s ideals will live on in his music, even if we’re forced to soldier on without him.

  In 2008, Chapman gave an interview and admitted he was sorry for shooting Lennon. He said he was feeling like a “nobody” and just wanted to be something other than that. Well, congratulations, you got your wish. The next time you need attention, try setting yourself on fire.

  №035

  Katherine Harris

  For giving us our dumbest president.

  THE FACTS

  Katherine Harris was Florida’s secretary of state and a key figure in the controversial 2000 U.S. presidential election between Al Gore and George W. Bush. It was initially thought that Bush won by a large margin. However, much to the dismay of Fox News, the actual results ended up much closer. Bush had only won by a handful of votes and this triggered recount hysteria.

  Everyone waited anxiously to see who would be awarded the presidency. During the process, we found out that Harris had many ballots tossed out due to voter error and inferior counting machinery. She also unjustly denied voter registration to thousands prior to the election (most of whom were Democrats). In an effort to disrupt the recount, Katherine halted attempts at hand recounts, which led to her being challenged in court. At first she was victorious, but then the Florida Supreme Court overturned the ruling. After that, the U.S. Supreme Court stuck its judicial nose into the fiasco and stopped the recount again. It ruled in favor of Gore for a continued recount but, ironically, decided that time had run out and declared Bush the victor.

  The whole event was a debacle. Essentially, the frequent starting and stopping of the recount process did not allow adequate time to finish the task. After five weeks of edge-of-your-seat drama, we had a schmuck president-elect named George. (Despite losing the electoral college vote, Al Gore still won the popular vote.)

  [you] RIFE!

  Katherine, you signed an oath to uphold the Constitution, but apparently autographed it with only twelve-hour lipstick. You screwed us. George W. Bush would’ve never been elected president if the recount had been fair. So it’s your fault we went to war with Iraq, had all of our phones illegally tapped, federal prosecutors were unjustly fired, oil prices quadrupled, and the whole world ended up in a recession. Not to mention we would’ve probably found a cure for cancer by allowing stem cell research and bin Laden would more than likely be a greasy spot on some missile head by now. Hope your loyalty was worth it. Shame on you! There’s an old saying in Florida that goes, “Fool voters once, shame on… shame on you. Fool vot
ers… you can’t get fooled again, Florida.”

  №36-24-36

  Ruth Handler

  For making girls bitter.

  THE FACTS

  The Barbie doll was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler. Ruth was a cofounder of Mattel and named the doll after her own daughter. She noticed that most dolls were infants and felt that it was time for a change. The invention was simple: a grown-up doll for children to play with. Barbie was an instant success.

  Barbie’s supposed to be a “real” woman, but, besides having no nipples, her measurements originally were 39-18-33 (bow-chicka-wow-wow). This sparked much controversy with critics, their argument being that Barbie was modeled after an “adult” toy, and the measurements were based on male fantasy. Barbie’s bust and hips were later adjusted due to criticism. However, the proportions are still impractical and will set you back about thirty-five grand in plastic surgery.

  [you] RIFE!

  Mrs. Handler is responsible for crushing prepubescent aspirations. Barbie’s measurements create unrealistic expectations for young girls to live up to. Ruth claimed that Barbie’s busty bosom would build up a girl’s self-assurance. However, since it is physically impossible to have these measurements, it actually has a negative effect on a girl’s self-esteem. Don’t worry, boys: I hear there are talks of reducing Ken’s bulge size as well.