All In

by O'Donahue, Fallon

  She growled and dropped her head into her hands. She’d gone over that failed relationship a hundred times in the years since, and she still didn’t have an answer for how she’d gotten over her anxiety. How had she let him in? Maybe it was that Blaine was safe. He didn’t pose any sort of challenge, and if anything, Maddox was a challenge and a half.

  God, how was she going to do this?

  He was her boss for goodness’ sake! She’d worked for years to get to where she was, and if the company found out, she’d be so far out on her ass without a reference. He’d probably still be COO, but all the respect he’d built up would be destroyed. And yet…

  The way he made her feel. Even before the weekend, he’d made her feel beautiful whenever she was with him. Yes, when he’d been with those other women, she’d felt diminished, but never when he was there with her. Feeling small was her problem, and he never said a word to make her feel less than those women. In fact, he always made a point of telling her how wonderful she was.

  She’d fantasized about Maddox—more often than she would have liked. Doing things to him they hadn’t even gotten to yet. Yet. That was the key point, wasn’t it? She could still think of a “yet” with him. Yes, she still felt inadequate, no matter what his words may say to the contrary. She may have felt fat and ugly, but he never called her that. She may have worried about her job, her career, and what people would think when they found out she was with him—because they would find out at some point. Secrets like this never stay secret forever. Then what?

  Yes, he said he was all in. That sounded good, but Maddox never stayed all in for long. How could she possibly be different?

  She took another swig of wine.

  Dammit.

  She was a grown adult. It was time she stopped dwelling on the past and got the fuck over herself.

  Another swig of wine.

  This was her life, and did she want to spend it being all vanilla and boring, always leaning on the side of safe? Never living satisfied? Never taking a chance? What would give her more heartache: living with the regret of never having taken this chance or living with the pain of having had him and lost him?

  Lo would say it’s the pain of regret. Hell, most philosophers and psychologists would say that. Even stupid Tennyson with his “Better to have loved and lost…” poetry.

  Could she really do this? Could she be all in with Maddox Paul?

  Another sip of wine and another bout of staring at her ceiling.

  To be loved, even for a short time, by Maddox…could she do it? She ran her fingers over her lips where he’d kissed her. The ghost of his kisses and bites still lingered there. His eyes flashed in her mind, pleading with her to stay. The way he took her in the kitchen without a care for the pasta. Okay, that was dumb. No one likes to clean up burned pasta water on the stove later, and…

  Oh, hell. She was in this.

  She swilled the last drop of wine in the glass.

  Even if she tried to talk herself out of it, Maddox would stare at her with those soulful blue eyes, and she’d be lost. No, she’d just fall further down the rabbit hole. But even Alice eventually got back up. Part of her may have always missed her Wonderland, but she found her way home. Changed, but was change so bad?

  Rabbit hole, meet Cassidy Moore.

  * * *

  “Well, it seems like the dickwattage has just gotten more intense,” Lo sneered. “He’s no longer just an ass, he’s a, well, what’s worse than an ass?”

  “Maybe a dung beetle? I mean, they eat shit and have a crappy name,” Cass commiserated.

  If Cass had thought her work life with Phil was bad before the redesign incident, it didn’t compare to the shit storm that smacked her in the face when she came into work the next day.

  “If you think for one second that your little boyfriend is always going to save you, think again,” Phil spat as she shut the door to her office. She knew better than to speak up, because the fire in his eyes meant nothing good would come from saying anything.

  “I mean, that little stunt you pulled? Don’t think for one second that it’s over. One word from me, and your career ends, little girl.”

  Little girl? She was older than that cocksucker. No. No. Calm, level head.

  “Since your redesign is done, here’s your next assignment,” he smirked and threw the file on his desk, storming out without another word.

  Okay. Temper tantrum done and…oh, hell no.

  “Lo, what do I do with this? He’s not going to be okay with it,” Cass dropped her head into her hands. No, Maddox wasn’t going to be okay with her working on the web design for his ex-wife’s practice. Few people knew what had happened there, Cass included. It wasn’t as if Marissa had taken the time to get to know anyone who worked for Mad, so it wasn’t like there was a lot of love for the woman which led to the rumor mill running rampant, including loud whispers of an affair. She wasn’t sure if it was Maddox or Marissa who had cheated, but infidelity supposedly played a part in the divorce.

  “Well, it’s not like you have to meet with her or-“ Lo stopped. “No! He’s making you take the sales lead on this, too?”

  “Yeah,” was all she could say.

  “Fuck that. You need to take it to Mad. He has to fix this, pronto. You can’t do this, honey,” Lo grabbed her hand.

  “I have to. I really do. It’s my job!”

  “Fuck that. Fuck him. You know he went after this on purpose. He suspects what’s going on, and he’s doing this as payback. To both of you!”

  “Don’t you think I know that? But he’ll destroy me. I already put myself on the line with the redesign. Do you think he won’t have further ammunition if I blow this?”

  “But Maddox…”

  “I’ll tell him, okay? I’m not going to keep Phil’s dick move from him. He’d find out eventually, and that’s a shitty thing to do. Really shitty. I’d want to know if I were in his shoes.”

  “What do you think he’s going to do?”

  “Not what I know he’s going to want to do.”

  “Which is?”

  “Fire the asshole.” Cass sipped her beer. Phil toed this line very carefully, and yes, it was him being a dick, but he didn’t cross any ethical or legal lines. He was within his rights as the department manager to go after the client, and he got it. Would it matter to the senior partners that the weasel tried to hurt her or Maddox? Maybe a little, but the money Marissa’s practice would pay for the site would mean more to them than a couple hurt feelings.

  “Fuck him.”

  * * *

  If there was one thing to make her anxiety flare, it would be having to discuss his ex wife with Maddox. He never talked about her much. He’d mention her from time to time, but it was usually brief and never anything deep or insightful. Cass knew there was more to their story, but they had just recently divorced when she started with the company. It wasn’t like she was there for all the fallout, and somehow the thought of not being there for Maddox during one of the most difficult times in his life made her sad.

  She knew Maddox well, though, and he tended to avoid bringing up things that hurt him. When it came to business, the man was vicious, heading straight into confrontation without fear. When it came to his personal life? He was like a skittish kitten, avoiding anything that could potentially hurt him. So what happens when the two end up mixed? Her stomach clenched.

  “Mad?” She peeked her head into his office, losing her words at the glorious view of him staring at his computer, his hair a little floppy on the top. It was both adorable and beautiful. He needed a haircut, but if she was being honest, she liked it when his hair grew enough to show it’s natural wave. She had to suppress a desire to walk up behind him and start running her fingers through those dark locks.

  He caught her looking, and smirked. His eyes burning as he met her lust-riddled gaze.

  “Whatcha want?” He motioned for her to step in.

  “What do I want, or what do I need?” she asked, her voice deep
and breathy.

  “Is there a difference?” He laughed, his own voice husky as his volcanic perusal tried to do her in.

  She sighed. “No. But now isn’t the time for that, Mister,” she chastised, though she’d have to run to the bathroom after this to dry off her wet panties before they turned uncomfortable.

  “Mmmm…I think there is always time for that,” he teased as she shut the door behind her.

  “Slow your roll. I’m about to tell you something that’ll make those very eager balls shrivel back up inside you.”

  No, no one ever said she was a lady.

  “Well, that doesn’t bode well.” He pursed his lips, leaning back in his chair.

  “Did Phil tell you about the new client?” She jumped right in. She always believed in pulling off a band aid rather than dragging out the misery.

  “We haven’t had our meeting yet. Why?”

  She looked at the ceiling and then back at him.

  “Well, um…” Cass was chickening out. He was looking at her so earnestly.

  “Casita. The new client is Casita Health Group.”

  Her heart broke a little as his face fell, a cold veil replacing the mischief present just a moment before.

  “Mad?”

  “Well, that’s a kick in the shin,” he sighed.

  She said nothing. She just watched him as the weight of what she told him sunk in.

  “It’s fine, Cass. It is. It’s not like-“

  “He put me on as Sales Lead. I’ll be working with their management, and-“

  “What?” Maddox’s cold veil melted into hot anger. Oh, shit.

  “I’m going to be working with their management to develop a plan, and-“

  “Hell no.”

  “Maddox-“

  “No. No. No. That fucker. I’m gonna-“ Maddox stood up, practical upending his desk.

  “Stop, Mad. Just stop,” Cass blocked his path to the door. “Think. Please, just think,” she stroked his cheek, forcing him to look down at her pleading eyes. He called them her Doe Eyes, though Lo nicknamed them Sad Puppy. They were brown, wide, and apparently had a way of softening the hardest of hearts. Cass didn’t know about that, but she did know the emotion behind them was real.

  “If you go out there now, he’s sure to figure us out, and that is exactly what he wants,” she explained, her voice soft, soothing.

  “What about what I want?” he grumbled, his fisted hands flexing and unflexing at his sides.

  “Pounding in his face does nothing. It just gets us all fired.”

  Maddox growled, but at least stomped over the the couch before sinking into it. Cass breathed.

  “I need to do this job and do it well. I’ll do what I can to keep you out of it,” she continued as Maddox leaned back, his neck stretched over the back rest. Her anxiety was running rampant, but that didn’t stop her from wanting to run her tongue along the Adam’s apple that bobbed when he swallowed.

  “I know.”

  “Sweet stuff, I’m sorry.” She sat down next to him, letting his heat comfort her.

  “Cass, there is so much you don’t know there, and I-“

  “There is nothing, absolutely nothing, she can say to make me walk away from you,” she assured him, taking his hand in hers and tracing the lines of his palm.

  She knew there wasn’t anything Dr. Marissa Paul could say to her that wasn’t worse than what Cass would say to herself, and hell if she’d let anyone else dictate who she dated. She’d dealt with jealous exes before, and she’d had boyfriends go back to those exes after they’d dated. But if things didn’t work out between her and Maddox, the thought making bile rise in her throat, it would be because of her anxieties, not because of some stupid doctor bimbo who never appreciated what she’d had. Because Maddox was amazing, and she didn’t need anyone else to tell her that.

  21

  Maddox

  There was everything his cold bitch of an ex-wife could say to make Cass walk away from him, and icy fear stabbed his heart. He’d been prepared to battle Cass’ internal voice. He knew he could best that, but his ex-wife? His manipulative and vindictive ex? Well, that was another story.

  There was a reason Maddox hadn’t stayed friends with Marissa. After the divorce, she’d weave his way back into his life anytime he started to get serious with a woman. It was uncanny how her radar worked, and even worse, how well her manipulations got to the women he was with or how they wove their way through his psyche. It wasn’t like Marissa wanted him back. She’d moved on with her new husband, and they had two boys that seemed to make her happy. But somehow, for some stupid reason that only made sense to Marissa, she didn’t want anyone else to have him.

  And what the fuck was Phil thinking? He’d been right there every time Marissa fucked him over, and now he allowed this? Marissa’s company had approached Maddox a dozen times to handle their website, and Maddox always turned them down. He’d set them up with a friend’s company, and he thought they were happy. So why the change now?

  Fucking Phil.

  The move was ridiculous payback for the website redesign. Well, if Phil wanted to sign his death warrant, this was a great way to do it.

  He leaned into Cass. He knew they were at work, and it was dangerous, but he needed to touch her. He needed to let her warmth rid him of this cold dread.

  “Honey, let’s go home,” she whispered into the top of his head as he wrapped his arms around her. “We can curl up, watch a movie, maybe make some dinner.”

  She sounded so normal, but she knew. His heart was being torn to shreds, and Marissa hadn’t even gotten her claws into Cass yet.

  All he could do was nod.

  * * *

  The ice in his bones didn’t wane when, on the way home, he got a text from Marissa. “You excited to work together? Just like old times, huh?” was all she said. He almost threw the phone out the window. Fuck her.

  Cass didn’t miss the tension.

  “Sweetie, sit down,” she instructed, as she stripped him of his suit coat and he took a seat on the couch. She straddled him from behind, and before he could protest that she should be straddling him from the front, those glorious fingers started kneading the stress knots from his shoulders. He couldn’t suppress a moan as his body turned to jelly at her ministrations.

  “Mmmmhmmm,” she hummed as her thumbs worked through another knot in his muscle. The vibration going straight from his back to his cock, which was now pressing against his pants. But he’d deal with that later. Right now, he was enjoying her heavenly ministrations.

  “Tell me about her,” she whispered as he found himself at the mercy of her hands.

  He stiffened, but she met the strain with another press, release, press of her fingers.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he moaned again as she found a particularly tight muscle next to his shoulder and coaxed its release.

  “Oh, I think it does,” her voice stern but comforting all at once.

  “Fine,” he sighed, “But you have to stop.”

  “Stop what?”

  “This.” He grabbed her hands and pulled her around front. “I can’t associate your magic fingers with her, okay?”

  She gave him a pitiful look, but nodded, sitting in his lap and putting her head on his shoulder. God, he didn’t want to do this.

  “We were married as soon as she finished med school,” he started. This wasn’t easy. “I thought she was perfect. Well, perfect in the sense that she was beautiful, smart, and would be an asset to my career. It never dawned on me that I should want more than that. I was Maddox Paul. I graduated top of my class at Brown. I was rising through the ranks of my company faster than any other executive. I was at the top of my game, and I needed a top notch wife that wouldn’t need much from me. I thought Marissa was that person.”

  He took a breath before continuing, no longer looking at Cass. He was too afraid of what he’d see there. “She wasn’t warm. She wasn’t really affectionate, and she never demanded anything of me. It w
as easy. I had a gorgeous trophy who cared just as much about my pretty face as I cared about hers. I thought that was what marriage was.”

  “But your parents, Maddox! They’re madly in love,” she interrupted. And she was right. His parents were madly in love, but they weren’t high powered executives. They were teachers. True love in his position was dangerous and uncommon. Most couple respected one another, but that deep, all-encompassing love like his parents had? He thought it impossible.

  “I know, but Cass, the people at the top, it’s not like that for them. I couldn’t…I wouldn’t destroy someone I loved by bringing them into that world where everything is judged on the surface. Where it’s ‘What can you do for me today?’ Marissa grew up that way. She understood it.”

  “But you didn’t hate each other,” Cass said, though he wasn’t sure if it was a statement or question.

  “No. We didn’t. Actually, we had a lot of fun sometimes. She has a pretty great sense of humor, and she was…” he trailed off. No, that wasn’t something Cass needed to know. It didn’t matter how good Marissa was in bed. She’d given up after a couple of years, anyhow, probably when she turned her bedtime talents to the guy she was sleeping with behind his back.

  “It’s okay, Maddox. You were married. I’d be stupid if I didn’t think it had gone unconsummated.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “Just continue with the story.”

  “Okay,” he took another breath. This was where things got hairy. “Look, we were a great team, at first. When her career took off, things started to change. She was getting a reputation as a leader in her field. Her articles were published. Her speaking engagements became more frequent. I thought it was great. Even though I wasn’t madly in love with her, I wanted the best for her. However, that’s when I think things changed for her. She started asking me to sacrifice my work to spend time with her. She didn’t want to go to functions. She went from being this strong, independent person to being being needy and demanding, and I didn’t know how to give that to her.”