Just Like a Woman

by Madeleine Clark

  ‘You don’t get the same sort of dedication as you used to, or the same sort of musicians. All electronic music. Not these guys though. They actually know how to play instruments.’ All the time he spoke she sipped at her wine surprised to find she was beginning to enjoy the taste and by the time her meal was put in front of her, her glass was empty. The waiter filled it again. Robert continued to talk as they ate, and she relaxed back, able to swallow some of her meal, a warm haze surrounding her.

  A couple of hours later she found herself entrenched in Robert’s car once more. This time she really enjoyed sitting back in the soft leather seat, liking the smell it produced each time she moved. She recalled little of the conversation at the restaurant, not sure if she had contributed at all, but Robert seemed happy enough to talk for the both of them. He didn’t mind declining the dessert menu for her, but ordered strong coffee to drink in the lobby whilst he smoked his cigarette in peace. She would have preferred another glass of wine, but he didn’t offer her one and as he discreetly paid the bill when she had gone to the Ladies Room, she didn’t feel it appropriate to ask for one. Instead she sipped the coffee he poured for her. He was so thoughtful.

  He parked the car under the light in the car park so she could see to untangle herself from the seat belt, then screamed as she felt his body touch hers and his lips brush her cheek. Startled he pulled back, catching his jacket button on the top of her dress revealing her bra. One hand moved to cover herself up whilst the other felt for the door handle.

  ‘For godsake it was an accident.’ he said,

  ‘Yes,’ she replied, pushing the door open but keeping her head turned towards him.

  ‘Shall I call you?’

  ‘Um,’ her face burned, and her mind was fuzzy, the nice warm haze had vanished. ‘Yes, ok, yes.’ Was all she could think of and got out of the car. Why had she screamed? Of course he would expect a good night kiss! She could feel him watching her as she walked to her car, turning his headlights on when she reached the car with her keys ready.

  Sitting in her own cold car, she leant back for a few moments before starting the engine. As she went to pull away she crunched the gears and stalled. She tried again, this time pulling away. The steering felt heavy as she turned to pull out of the car park and had to stamp down hard on the brakes to avoid hitting an oncoming car. Thank God it was only a five minute journey home, she giggled to herself.

  *****

  Watching Sarah nearly hit the approaching car, Robert’s phone beeped with a text message. Holding it up to the light he could see it was from Stephanie. Christ she didn’t waste time. Wanted to know how the date had gone. What should he tell her? How dull he found her? Not really attracted to her at all. No, that wouldn’t do. Stephanie obviously was attracted to her, and he could understand why; she was pretty enough, but not his style. He liked a bit more enthusiasm about his business, or even a bit more involvement in the conversation. She could only have said about ten words all night. But it wasn’t so much she didn’t say anything, it was the feeling he got that she wasn’t listening to anything he said. She seemed distant. Girls didn’t behave like that around him. It wasn’t right. Something was wrong with her. And the wine was obviously going to her head, those red spots on her face were not attractive. He liked a girl who could drink. Though with time she probably would, because she sure did like the stuff after that first mouthful.

  Watching her drive away, he was glad he had insisted on that cup of coffee. Being involved in a scandal now wouldn’t do him any good. He knew the saying, there was no such thing as bad publicity, but that wasn’t strictly true. Death of a young girl would be bad for his image at the moment; even something as small as a drink driving case could upset his life. He put the phone back in his jacket pocket deciding not to answer just yet. He would ring her when he got home, when he had a drink in his hand and could relax and enjoy the conversation fully. He much preferred to listen to her voice than to send her an anonymous text message. He would pretend enthusiasm for her, tell her how he wanted to see Sarah again. She would probably have further instructions for him. He knew she would answer his call whatever time he called, because she wanted the details, she wanted to know. He enjoyed having control for a change. He would make her wait.

  .

  Chapter Seven

  Outside the club Stephanie sat in her car and sent a text message. She needed to know how they had got on and whether they found each other attractive. How could Robert not like Sarah, she reasoned? There was nothing to dislike. And she must find Robert attractive; his handsome face, confidence and the charm he could display. As long as he was charming. She sat waiting for him to reply, but nothing happened. When she heard the banging on the window she jumped violently. Trevor’s face appeared, he was bending down, looking through the window, smiling at her. He indicated with his hand movement he wanted her to wind down the window. She turned on the ignition and then pressed the button.

  ‘What?’ she asked.

  ‘You can’t drive. You’ve had at least two drinks. And I know they were doubles.’

  ‘Of course I can,’ she answered, but the thought in her head was in agreement with him. She had assumed when she consumed the drinks, she would be going home with Neville.

  ‘Come on, out you get. You can come back to mine for a coffee and then I’ll bring you back to your car later.’ Stephanie couldn’t believe she had let herself be put in such a vulnerable position. She, who was always in control.

  Grabbing her bag, she let herself out of the car and followed him. He stopped at a car just two behind hers. A large black Mercedes.

  ‘Are you ok to drive then?’ She asked.

  He opened the door for her, waited untill she had slid onto the seat and closed the door. She watched as he walked round the front of the car, but didn’t attempt to lean over and open the door for him. Only when he had settled himself into his seat, put on his seat belt and started the engine did he reply.

  ‘Of course, I haven’t had a drink all night. I never drink.’

  She laughed.

  ‘Now you’re teasing. You had plenty the other night.’

  ‘No, I was only drinking coke.’

  ‘But you ordered yourself a rum and coke, the same as mine?’ She looked over at him and he shrugged his shoulders. She had nothing else to say and they remained in silence as he drove soberly to his flat.

  Once more she took her shoes off at the front door, but felt no compulsion to laugh at the retro style décor. It suited him well, and she was not as drunk. He filled the kettle and with his back to her, he asked.

  ‘Now are you going to sneak off again or will you let me take you back, this time?’

  She stared at his back, remembering her previous visit; staggering around in the bathroom trying to get dressed in silence so he wouldn’t hear her, and then having to sneak back into the bedroom because she hadn’t picked up her handbag with the rest of her things.

  ‘Ah, I’ll call a taxi, if you don’t mind?’ She watched his head nod in agreement, as he put heaped spoons of coffee into two mugs. They waited in silence while the kettle boiled, him looking at her, her looking around the room wondering why she had come back.

  She never went back twice.

  He placed a mug in front of her, then reached for the milk looking at her with his eyebrow raised. She nodded. Sitting opposite he picked up his house phone and dialled. The taxi was due in two hours.

  As they drank their coffee he made no attempt at conversation, and she could think of nothing to say. It was why she never went back. There wasn’t anything to say. When she finished and put her mug down, he got up walked round the bar, took her hand and led her to the bedroom. At the door he stopped.

  ‘Do you need the bathroom?’ She nodded and turned towards the door, but he didn’t let go of her hand.

  ‘This time I want to know your real name.’

  Stephanie stared back. This was not part of the game. He knew that. No one had questioned her before
, and she had certainly never questioned anyone else; their name was their business. He had taken control again. Did she tell him, or should she lie?

  ‘Well?’ He asked quietly. ‘I really would like to know.’ He didn’t plead and there was no whine in his voice. He was stating a fact.

  ‘Stephanie,’ she replied. Immediately regretting opening her mouth. The relationship was now something else. And she wasn’t sure what. ‘How about you Trevor? What’s your real name?’

  ‘Trevor.’ She could see no reason to doubt him as he freed her hand.

  Inside, sitting on the toilet, she didn’t understand why she was there. There was none of the excitement of that first visit, yet she felt compelled to stay, an unfamiliar sensation prevented her from leaving.

  She wanted him.

  She actually wanted him. No one else. She realized she had forgotten Robert and Sarah, she hadn’t thought about them since Trevor knocked on her car window. He was the only thing in her mind. She stood by the sink and cleaned her teeth, looking at herself in the mirror; what was she doing here? This was such a mistake. She sat back on the toilet seat not sure what to do. Then she heard his voice.

  ‘You ok in there?’

  ‘Yes just coming.’ That was why she was here. She was ready, just the thought of him caused her to be ready. Her stomach leapt again and she felt slightly nauseous, sure it was not the rum she had drunk.

  *****

  She hit the curb as she turned into the drive and relief flooded through her as she saw the house; not just because all the lights were off and her mother would be in bed. She knew she had drunk too much to be driving. Or maybe this was what it was like to be in love. Thank goodness, she was home at last. That must be the first time, Sarah giggled to herself; being glad to be home. The magazines said it felt nice to be in love. She giggled some more as she parked the car. At least there wouldn’t be an argument; she would certainly smell alcohol on her breath if she was still up. If only she hadn’t screamed, but had been more sophisticated, like the women in her magazines. None of them would have screamed. She giggled. He did look funny though, when she screamed.

  Closing the car door carefully, trying not to make any noise, she tiptoed up the drive. Still giggling she pushed her fist in her mouth to stifle the noise. At the front door she fumbled in her bag for her keys, then giggled more as she realized they were in her hand all the time.

  ‘Silly nit’ she whispered to herself. ‘Shhhh, mustn’t make any noise.’ She opened the door carefully and then kicked it shut with her foot. Turning to the door she put her finger to her mouth, ‘Shhhh,’ she told it. Bending she took off her shoes and not daring to put the light on she felt her way along the hallway tripping on a box. She stood still, waiting.

  Silence.

  She carried on until she got to the foot of the stairs and carefully felt her way up each stair, leaning against the wall. Finally she put her foot out and there were no more stairs. To guide her along the corridor to the bedroom she reached out with her right hand for the rail. She screamed. Something grabbed hold off her wrist. Tight. And it hurt.

  ‘Where the hell have you been?’ Her mother’s voice. Itchy and scratchy.

  Sarah’s heart beat increased. The fuzziness in her mind became more intent. Thoughts disappeared into thin air and her voice deserted her; bile rose in her mouth destroying the taste of the wine.

  ‘Well? And don’t think about lying. You little bitch.’ The voice rose higher, ‘I should’ve known it was a lie. Who would want two sessions with you? What would you have to talk about?’

  The pressure round her wrist increased. Burning. The memories flooded her mind. Feelings chasing each other round her body until she could feel nothing. Still her voice would not return to her.

  ‘You fucking little whore, you’ve been drinking. You’re drunk aren’t you? I can smell it. I’ll teach you to lie to me.’

  The pain in her wrist was unbearable.

  ‘And what’s this on your face? Make-up? And a new dress? A new dress! Where d’you get the money for a new dress? And why would you want one?’ The voice went on and on at her; her wrist now numb to the pain. She knew better than to cry out or ask her to stop. She felt the whoosh of air seconds before the hand made contact with her face. Strangely, Sarah registered, it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it should have done. Her face felt slightly numb. It was at that moment her voice chose to return and she cried out. The grip on her wrist relaxed slightly, enough for her to pull at it. At exactly the same moment she pulled away from her mother, her mother stuck one foot between Sarah’s legs and jerked at her ankle.

  She was falling. Falling. Falling backwards through darkness. She felt her hips hit wooden stairs. She kept falling and tumbling. Then dull hard pain in her head as it thumped against the brick wall, jerking her neck sideways causing electric shots to pulsate in her shoulder. Her back hit carpet and her head flew sideways, crashing again onto hard brick, causing her teeth to vibrate around her mouth. Her nervous system unable to distinguish any more pain, she came to a halt. Before losing consciousness she heard a small voice call out, ‘Mummy, mummy’, and then heard the sound of her mother’s bedroom door as it slammed shut.

  Sarah blinked and blinked but the darkness did not clear away. Her eyes would not focus, white spots danced in front of her. Was she blind? She was sure there was no light on. Yet still a light danced in front for a few seconds more, then faded into the darkness. Where am I? She thought. When she moved her arm the pain caused an involuntary cry, and she bit her lip. Her throat was dry and she couldn’t remember ever being this thirsty. She wanted to get to the kitchen for a drink, but when she tried to move again an image of herself at the top of the stairs and the recall of the pain in her wrist drifted into her consciousness. Slowly the whole scene tramped in technicolor in front of her.

  She felt her body all over, searching for any sign of a broken bone. When she was sure there was none, with care she turned onto her stomach, all the time biting her lip trying to absorb the pain. Once she was balanced on all fours, she crawled and pulled herself along the hallway and up to the top of the stairs. The incredible thirst she felt would have to wait. Getting to her bedroom was her first priority, she couldn’t let her mother find her still here. Fear drove her on.

  Knowing she could not yet stand she continued on all fours to her bedroom. Inside she pulled herself up on to her bed and there she saw the green luminous light of her clock. It was nearly four o’clock. Her mother had left her lying on the cold hall floor for over three hours. Sarah lay back on her pillow and pulled her duvet over her, welcoming the blackness as it overcame her once more.

  .

  Chapter Eight

  As the alarm went off Stephanie threw the silk duvet aside, stretched out her body, and swung her legs over the side of the bed to get out.

  Saturday at last. No one to see, no one to talk to, all day long. The best day of the week, she smiled to herself. Downstairs the dogs heard her getting dressed and whined. Pulling the curtains she could see it was going to be clear as promised, there was blue sky on the horizon. She would go to her favourite place in the forest, knowing at this time of year there would be no tourists and she may even be able to walk without meeting a single soul.

  If she had been a singing sort of person, she would have burst into song, she thought to herself as she went downstairs into the kitchen to let the dogs out. She hadn’t felt this good for a very long time and wondered why.

  Trevor came to mind. Could it really be Trevor? Her groin still tingled with the image of him inside her. Amazingly he really was the best sex she had ever had. Maybe her tastes were changing? Maybe it was her age, she excused herself as she made her first cup of coffee for the day. Just a phase. She would get over him. And in a couple of days she would have forgotten all about him. Anyway, there was Sarah and Robert to think about now; but she couldn’t quite muster the excitement; not like before, it was just not there. The dogs barked, breaking into her trai
n of thought.

  In between feeding the dogs and finishing her coffee Stephanie tried to arouse some excitement in herself. She thought about the prospect of Sarah and Robert and what it might lead to. She had been disappointed with Robert’s initial reaction of neutrality and had spent a while convincing him to ask Sarah out again.

  ‘Come on you two,’ she called to the dogs. ‘Let’s go.’ She opened the door and followed the wagging tails to the car. They waited staring at her until she opened the back of the car to let them in, then they lept up without a word necessary from her.

  As she drove she listened to the radio, some awful songs on Radio One, but she didn’t feel like listening to the depressing sound of news on Radio Four this morning. That could wait till later, when she settled down to read the paper, but she would have to do the cleaning first. She sighed. Why could she not let herself get a cleaner? But just the thought of someone else in her house caused her heart to beat too fast and her hands sweat. She thought she would have overcome it now after all this time, but no. Not even her therapist could help her, and she stopped going a few years ago when she realized she wasn’t going to be able to deal with it that way. The dogs recognized the car park as soon as she pulled in, more whining, but she didn’t mind this morning. Nothing could upset her today.