My Name Is Venus Black

by Heather Lloyd

  “You did a terrible thing,” Venus says, with a penetrating look.

  “I know,” says Tessa, determined not to cry. But she can feel tears flowing, the kind you can’t help.

  “If you had called the police, they would have known Leo was missing and he would have come home! Instead, we lost Leo for six years.”

  “I know,” Tessa repeats. It’s all too much, and her legs go weak. “I know. And I’m so sorry. If I could just go back in time and do it differently, I would!”

  Tessa feels so wobbly; she sits down on the bench again. And now Venus is so tall and her voice so soft that Tessa barely hears her say, “Yeah. Me, too,” before she walks away.

  * * *

  —

  I ENTER THE courtroom just in time to hear the judge charge Tony Herrera with kidnapping and set bail at twenty thousand dollars. I feel angry to be alone, angry that Inez didn’t join me here.

  “I already met him!” she told me. It was almost like she was embarrassed to see him again.

  I also suspect that holing up at the Holiday Inn is less to avoid Tony Herrera than to drink her wine in peace or cry on the phone to her friend Shirley. After Tony Herrera is led away, I stay in the courtroom. I’m in a comfortable daze of some kind.

  My mind drifts back to my own arraignment, when I was so in shock, I laughed at the charge of murder one. When the same judge gave me half the maximum sentence, I almost didn’t care. Five years or seven, my life was over. Or so I thought. Now it hits me in a new way how differently things could have gone. He could have remanded me to adult court or I could have served God knows how long in a real prison. And I can’t even remember his name.

  I listen to four or five more arraignments. Watching people at the beginning of their journey toward incarceration, I feel my freedom keenly. Something like gratitude flutters at the edge of my emotions. Finally, I’ve had enough, and I stand and walk back out the big double doors. I glance at the bench in the hall where Tessa had been sitting.

  Of course, she’s gone now. But something about our exchange took my breath away, totally gutted me. Maybe it was how brave she seemed, the way she took responsibility for keeping Leo. How she apologized so sincerely, the words tumbling out of her mouth without excuse or defense. It was all my fault….I’m so sorry.

  Maybe I’m jealous of her protectiveness toward her father, the way she didn’t want him to carry the blame.

  Back at the hotel, I go to Inez’s room and fill her in on the hearing. She thinks Tony Herrera will be out on bail soon and allowed to come home until a plea agreement is reached or it goes to trial. If she’s right, I’m secretly glad, for the girl’s sake. In the meantime, I hate that I can imagine how they will miss Leo. I can just picture how they’ll all hug and cry and wonder aloud if Tony is going to prison.

  It seems ironic to me now that yet another bedroom belonging to Leo will stand empty.

  I leave Inez’s room for mine. Even though it isn’t one of our scheduled times, I want to hear Piper’s voice. Since she moved to Spokane, I have missed her so much more than I planned. I’ve longed at times to read a book to her or simply to hear her yammering at me through my closed door. Since she left, we tell each other “I love you” before we hang up, and it feels so natural.

  I read the directions by the phone for making long-distance calls and dial Spokane. While it rings without an answer, I wonder if Piper is another reason I was less harsh on Tessa just now. As different as we might be, we have a big mistake in common. We gave our hearts to kids related to us by nothing but love.

  Monday morning, Tony is released on bail. He has no idea how M and M came up with two grand—and they won’t say. That afternoon, Tony shares a quiet lunch with Tessa, when they talk about why they miss Leo and all the funny things he does. Later, Tony agrees to drive Tessa to the Holiday Inn. On the way, he glances at her in the passenger seat. “Tessa, you know you’ll have to go in alone,” he says. “I’m not supposed to have any contact.”

  She nods, her eyes serious and dark.

  “She might not be kind to you,” he warns.

  “I know,” she says. “I don’t blame her.” Tony can’t believe his quiet, shy daughter is willing to do something so hard. “They might not even give you her room number. And she might be upset that you tracked her down.”

  “It was Venus who mentioned that Inez was at the Holiday Inn,” she counters. “And I think people at the desk will call her room and tell her I’m here.”

  Tony knows it took Tessa a long time to find the right Holiday Inn. Tony knows because he listened to her: “I’m calling for a Mrs. Inez Black.” Tony didn’t correct her. It’s not Mrs.; it should be Ms.

  Tessa has been so brave. Oh my God, how he wishes now that he had told her the truth as soon as he got back from Everett. He delayed in part because he wanted to give Leo his chance to perform with the school orchestra. If he could do it over again…

  “Dad, are you scared?”

  Tony flips his blinker. “Afraid I’ll go to jail?”

  “Yes. But also are you scared of losing Leo forever?”

  Tony knows she asked the question because she’s scared.

  “Of course, honey. But we still have each other and we’ll make it through—even if I go to jail for a little while, you’ll have M and M.”

  “It’s just so strange,” Tessa continues. “I mean, it’s only been three days. But all the times when everything is supposed to happen with Leo I know he’s upset and is missing us. And school, too.”

  “He’ll be okay, sweetie.”

  “I don’t know,” she says.

  Tony pulls up at the Holiday Inn. “Are you sure about this?”

  “I’m sure.” She is wearing one of her dresses, like she’s going to church. And she has her hair in a pony with the silly yellow-and-purple ribbon that Leo likes so much.

  Tony gets out of the car and pulls the cello case from the backseat. Tessa gets the suitcase out of the other side. “Can you carry both of these?”

  “I’m strong, Dad.”

  * * *

  —

  AFTER SEEING LEO two more times, Inez feels sapped of her enthusiasm. Seeing him not see her had sapped her even more. She can hardly believe that this was the big occasion she’d dreamed of for so many years—when she’d get her son back. She never imagined Leo not wanting her. Leo begging for other people.

  She hates them. The man and his daughter. She knows she should be grateful they took good care of Leo, but the fact that they loved him—and seemingly so well—is the part that’s actually the hardest for her. They didn’t just take Leo; they took her place. They stole his heart.

  She sits on the end of the bed and sips the cheap wine she bought at a nearby grocery store. She flips on the television and lights a cigarette. She’s tempted to go back and buy a second bottle for later, but she resists. She knows Venus has her eye on it. She needs not to drink so much if she’s going to be a good mom to Leo. If she ever gets a real chance.

  She tells herself that once she gets him home to Everett everything will fall into place. She tries to focus on the evening news but can’t seem to. She wonders when the press is going to get hold of this story and chase them all over the place. She dreads that part, even though it’s supposedly a happy ending.

  Her hotel phone rings, startling her. She picks it up. “Hello?”

  “It’s the front desk, ma’am. You have a visitor. A Miss Tessa Herrera. Can I send her up?”

  Inez freezes. What on earth? “Just her? Just one person?”

  “Just the girl, ma’am.”

  Inez tries to think. She doesn’t want a scene in the lobby. She can’t imagine what this girl has to say to her. “What the hell does she want?”

  “Ma’am, I wouldn’t know. It appears she has things to deliver.”

  “Fine,” says I
nez. “Send her up.”

  She hangs up the phone. She knows this will be the Tessa Venus mentioned, the daughter of Tony Herrera. How does she know where we’re staying? What does she want? Is she going to say she’s sorry? Oh God, Inez hopes not. Please, no apologies. She’s not ready for that. Sorry for making Leo forget his own mother and fall in love with them?

  She clears the food tray from the bed, chugs the rest of her wine, and goes to the mirror. She puts on some fresh lipstick. Brushes out her hair. She has the thought that she wants to look like a good mom. But why does she care what this stupid girl thinks?

  There’s a knock. She takes a deep breath, sets her jaw, and opens the door. “Yes?”

  “Hi.”

  Venus was right: She is beautiful. Petite. She reminds Inez of the Mexican doll she had once, who wore an elaborate outfit but a shy smile.

  “Can I help you?” Inez says with deliberate coldness.

  “I’m Tessa Herrera. I…I have Leo’s cello. And some clothes. I thought…”

  Inez registers what’s in each of her hands. “Come in.”

  Inez is trying to think. She takes the only chair and watches the girl awkwardly set the suitcase and the cello case on the floor. “I just thought Leo might want some more of his things. It might help….”

  “How nice of you,” Inez says. “To care about what Leo needs—after what you’ve done.”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. We—”

  “Don’t apologize! How can you apologize for keeping my son from me for six years?” Inez hears herself and is struck by how shrill her voice is.

  “I’m sorry,” the girl says quietly—and then realizes her mistake. “I mean…I know apologizing doesn’t change anything.”

  She is hugging herself, staring at the carpet. Clearly she’s terrified of Inez.

  “What’s in the suitcase?” Inez asks.

  The girl hesitates. “Things like clothes that Leo likes. He gets really upset if—”

  “You think I don’t know about my own son?”

  “I’m sorry,” she says again.

  “Look at me,” Inez orders. This is a voice she hasn’t used in years, one that comes from feeling her throat tighten with rage. In all her scheming and planning and hoping for Leo to come back to them—and, yes, even in all her praying—she never once imagined she’d get apologies from Leo’s kidnapper. In her mind it had been so simple. You catch the evil person or people who did this terrible thing and then you make sure they rot in jail forever.

  This Tessa girl meets Inez’s eyes, her lower lip quivering. The problem is that she looks so damn innocent. Fucking Christ! Leo’s kidnapper is a sweet-faced teenager!

  “Say what you came to say,” she says finally.

  The girl takes a breath, looks directly at Inez. “Leo likes pizza now,” she says. “He practices his cello from four o’clock to five-thirty. He likes steak now, too. And even lasagna.”

  When she pauses, Inez says, “Go on.”

  The girl is clearly trying not to cry. “He wakes up on his own at seven A.M.,” she continues, her voice breaking. “He loves math and music. He hates reading and especially spelling. His toothbrush has to be yellow. His toothpaste has to be white Colgate. He likes to watch bowling on TV. I can write it all down for you if you like.”

  A small brown hand flashes across her cheek to finally swipe at liquid tracks.

  Inez can’t believe her ears. “Bowling? He likes to watch bowling on TV?”

  “Yes. For hours if you let him. But he hates to go bowling.”

  “You tried to take him bowling?” Inez asks, disbelieving.

  “My dad did. But it was a big mistake. Leo hated all the crashing sounds.”

  “Well, of course he did!” Inez barks.

  Moments pass. “Did you see Tinker with Leo?” Inez asks. Since the girl is here, she might as well learn some things.

  “You mean Phil?”

  “Tinker. Phil. Whatever. Did he hurt Leo?”

  “No, ma’am. Not so that you could see. But before…with Phil, Leo never got out of that apartment. His da—Phil kept him locked up in there and he was all alone. So I visited him because I was worried about him. At first, Leo would not answer the door. But I knew he was in there. I would hear him knocking his head on my wall at night.”

  Inez feels a catch in her heart. He was missing them.

  The girl goes on. “I finally borrowed my dad’s master key and I started to visit him secretly. I brought him things. Toys. Or some kind of food to see if he would eat it. He was so skinny. Then Phil let us have Leo over for Easter dinner, and I found out he liked peas.” A trembly smile crosses the girl’s face.

  Inez’s head is whirling. She pictures Leo making his pea design on a plate. She hasn’t thought of that in years.

  “And the cello?” Inez asks.

  The girl brightens. “One day I brought home a clarinet, because I was taking lessons at school. And Leo loved it! But he loves cello best. He has an amazing gift for music.”

  Inez is gladdened by this news but upset she missed such a miracle. “That’s great he’s made such progress. But when Tinker abandoned Leo, why didn’t you call the police instead of keeping him?”

  “Phil—Tinker said his wife was a heroin addict who left them. I thought if we called the police that Leo would go to foster care. I couldn’t bear the idea of Leo being left with people he didn’t know.”

  “Oh, the irony,” Inez says in a bitter voice. Then she leans over and puts her face in her hands.

  “I guess I’ll go now,” says the girl. “But is there any way you could give Leo something to remember me by?” Inez glances up and sees Tessa take a yellow-and-purple ribbon from her hair. “These are his new favorite colors,” she adds, carefully smoothing the ribbon on the bed.

  As soon as the girl is gone, Inez lets herself cry. She knows what it feels like to beg for forgiveness and not get it.

  Late Thursday morning, I find myself standing in the hotel parking lot, arguing with Inez. Leo has finally been released to us, and we are free to pick him up and take him home. “You have to come with me on the plane, Venus,” Inez says. This is the third or fourth time she’s insisted. “You have to come with us!”

  “I can’t,” I explain again, annoyed. “Someone has to drive the Honda back up, and I have someone I need to see in Seattle. This weekend is my only chance.” I put her small suitcase into the trunk of the Honda. Slam the lid. We’re going to pick up Leo first, and then I’ll take them to the airport.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to manage with Leo,” Inez insists. “I’m not equipped—”

  “Didn’t they give you something to help Leo relax on the plane?”

  “It’s not just that. It’s when I get home….”

  “It’s one weekend,” I tell her. “And you have your friend Shirley. You’ll be fine for a few days without me.”

  “You’re coming after, though?” She sounds desperate.

  “We never talked about what we’d do if…Honestly, I’m not sure when I’ll be there or for how long….”

  “Is it because there’s a guy involved? Is it a boyfriend? Are you still moving to California?”

  “It’s just a little girl, okay? Just a little girl I got to know. But she…” I want to say, needs me, but that sounds so sappy. “I need some time to figure out what I’m doing,” I tell her. “You fly. I’ll drive. I’ll see you both in a few days. End of story.”

  * * *

  —

  ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON, I pull up at the Porters’ in Seattle. Piper’s aunt Sue decided to go last minute to see friends for a long weekend—so, apart from Mike, I get Piper to myself. It’s foggy and cold, but Piper is waiting for me on the porch. She’s wearing her green sweatshirt with the hood pulled up.

  She rushes to the car when I p
ark. I’m barely out of the car before she throws herself into my arms. “You came! When you kept not calling, I thought you forgot about me. But you came!”

  “I came, Piper,” I say, pulling her away to look at her face. She looks at me steadily, and suddenly she seems much older.

  “What happened? Why did you keep not calling me?”

  “You’ll never guess.”

  “I don’t want to guess.”

  “We found Leo.”

  I had decided to save the news so I could see her reaction in person. Her green eyes are round with surprise. “Your brother, Leo? Where?”

  I smile. “California! Now he’s coming home to my mom’s in Everett. Isn’t it exciting?”

  I can see her struggle to take in what it means. “California?”

  “He was in a house down in California. Some people found him there and decided to take him into their home and make him their little boy. They did it without asking, which was super wrong. But we found him.”

  “So, he’s okay?”

  “He’s fine. The people who had him actually took pretty good care of him.”

  “Will you go live with him and your mom now?”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing, honestly. My mother wants to sell the house we used to live in….I was going to move to California. But now…Oh, it’s really complicated, Piper. Since we found Leo, no one knows what they’re doing.”

  Piper thinks about this. “If you move to California, you’ll never see me again,” she says.

  I notice she’s been biting her fingernails raw. Her hands are red from the cold. “That’s not true, Piper. I would still visit you. But what are we doing, standing out here freezing?” I head for the front door.

  As soon as we get inside the house, Piper races to the kitchen and comes back with an envelope. “I almost forgot!” she squeals. “Maybe you won’t want to move, because someone dropped off a card for you. I think it’s about a boy. But I didn’t open it or read it.”

  I can tell the seal has been opened and licked back shut, but I decide to let it go.