Lasting Damage

by Isabelle Aren

  “Yes, it is.” Jane brought her knees to her chest, wrapped her arms around her shins, and hugged herself tight. It was a self-defensive posture that closed her off from everyone and everything. Even Lily couldn’t break through. Lily or Chloe or Harper. Jane was an island and she planned on keeping it that way. “If I go on tour with Harper it’s because I’m her girlfriend and a girlfriend is considered a hanger-on. I’d be a starfucker and nothing else.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It was true ten years ago and it’s true now.” Jane bit her lip. She needed to stay focused on all the reasons she wouldn’t entertain the thought of stepping one foot on a tour bus and not get tripped up by her feelings. Feelings were untrustworthy and dishonest. They would run roughshod over the things that were good for you if you gave them free reign. “It’s not like I’d have a reason to be there other than Harper.”

  “You’d be traveling.”

  “I’ve already traveled.” Jane reminded her. “And being on tour isn’t the same as traveling. It’s hotel rooms and planes and tour busses.”

  “Jane.” Lily’s sigh carried a note of resolve. She’d been on the receiving end of too many late night phone calls with Jane, in tears, wanting to come home from wherever her mother had dragged her, to put up much more of a fight.

  “I’ve already done it and I can’t do it again.” Jane pressed her forehead to her knees and tried to remember to breathe, but it was difficult with the elephant standing on her chest. “That’s what it comes down to. I can’t do it again and I’ve known that ever since I found out about Harper.” Jane had to stop to catch her breath. “I think I’ve been saying goodbye to her for a while.”

  “You don’t mean that,” Lily shot back. “You guys just met. It’s only been a few days and you’re making this huge decision without waiting-Jesus fuck, Jane, you’re like the opposite of a u-hauler. You’re killing this before it has a chance to start.”

  Jane felt tears burning behind her eyes and promptly bit down hard on the inside of her cheek to stop them from escaping. “That’s not what I’m doing,” she said after she was certain she was safe from crying in public.

  “What do you call it?” asked Lily.

  “Self-preservation.” Jane whispered.

  Lily took hold of the bottle of Irish cream and topped off Jane’s cup. “Self-preservation isn’t going to mean shit when you finally wake up to the realization that-”

  “Don’t.” Jane held up her hand to stop Lily from voicing the same obvious conclusion she’d already come to on her own. “I just can’t go there right now.”

  “Okay,” Lily said with a slow nod. “Just be careful you don’t spend your whole life avoiding the things that might make you happy. People who do that have a tendency to have their faces eaten off by their twenty-five cats after they die.”

  13.

  Harper had never stood over someone and watched them sleep before. She always figured it was one of the weirder aspects of human relationships but it seemed to be the only time Jane stopped moving and as interesting at that was she was thinking about leaving her a note when Jane opened her eyes, and gave her a funny smile.

  Suddenly Harper felt one of those sparkly vampires that liked to creep around under the guise of protecting innocent young virgins from themselves, and her face started to burn with embarrassment.

  “Chloe let me in,” she said before Jane had a chance to call her out for the stalker she was.

  “It’s okay.” Jane rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palms and sat up. “I guess I fell asleep.”

  Harper pointed to the book as she sat down next to her on the bed. “Must’ve been a boring book.”

  “It was,” answered Jane.

  Harper looked at the cover, it was non-descript, just a black and white picture of orchids resting on a mirrored surface. “What’s it about?”

  “I’m not really sure,” she sighed. “Something about a woman who inherits a winery in California, and ends up falling in love with a bunch of men.”

  “A bunch?”

  “Four or five. I started skipping parts. Too much of a sex parade to keep me interested.”

  “Is this a common complaint?” Harper teased.

  “Only in my fiction, not in my real life.” Jane tossed the book onto the floor. “What time is it?”

  “A little after nine.” Harper looked back at the clock on Jane’s nightstand. “I know I’m late but I didn’t want to not show up at all.”

  “It’s not that late.” Jane assured her. “How did it go at the studio?”

  “Better than expected. We got most everything done that we needed to do and then we packed everyone off and sent them all home before I could change my mind and start nitpicking everything.”

  “You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.” Jane gave her a knowing smile that Harper could easily interpret since it was similar to the one her brother had been throwing her way for the better part of the day.

  “You and Riley seem to be speaking from the same dictionary.” She looked up at the ceiling and laughed. “He said something very similar when I asked for one more take on Kara’s vocal track.”

  “Speaking of Kara.” Jane grimaced as she said the name. “Is that one of those things we need to talk about?”

  “We can, but there isn’t a whole lot to talk about.”

  “But there was?” she asked.

  “Truthfully,” Harper paused for a moment; she wanted to explain the situation as it was and not as other people might take it to be, so she chose her words with care. “I love the sound of Kara’s voice and it works extremly well for my music, but she and I are a spent force.”

  “That sounds very dramatic.”

  “There was something between us but it wasn’t good.” Harper told her. “A lot of antagonism and jealousy and petty bullshit for as far as the eye could see.”

  Jane placed her hands on her stomach and began toying with the little snaps that ran down the front of her shirt. “Was that why she was giving me the eye?”

  “You noticed?”

  “Noticed and knew it had nothing to do with me.” Jane shrugged. “Does she usually put on a show for people or was it just because you were standing in the room.”

  “She’s not in love with me.” Harper assured her.

  “I know she’s not,” said Jane. “Remember the thing you just said about petty bullshit? I do actually listen to you when you speak.”

  Harper watched Jane close her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked like she was trying to find some sort tranquility and as much as Harper wanted to let it happen she knew there wasn’t going to be a better time to discuss the elephant in the room. “I guess the only thing we need to talk about is where you and I are headed.”

  Jane opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling before turning to stare into her eyes. She looked sad and lost and like she was in desperate need of either a good cry or a good fuck. “A few hours ago I told Lily that I’ve been saying goodbye to you for a while now,” Jane paused, her voice cracking as she spoke the words. “Alice’s mouth was flapping and it was an easy though to have.”

  “How do you feel now that I’m here?” Harper’s chest tightened in response to Jane’s admission, but she kept her voice calm and even. Normally she would never be in a rush for bad news, and she and Jane had only known one another for a short time, but she felt a deep connection growing, and that frightened her as much as it gave her happiness.

  “Now it’s not so easy. I took a look at your face and I stopped wanting to say ‘goodbye’.” Jane pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and rubbed furiously for a moment before dropping them to her sides. “But I still don’t have a solution to the problem.”

  “Maybe we don’t need to struggle for a solution?” Harper suggested.

  Jane gave her a weak smile before looking away. “Alice was after me this afternoon.”

  “About?” Harper asked.

  “Her spot on th
e hospitality rider. She wanted me to know she’s been added. She and Kara, and not me,” she said before biting her bottom lip.

  “Alice is aware that Jason isn’t in charge of the rider? I have final say and there’s no way in hell I’m going to take Alice on tour, if I know Jason, he’s not taking her on tour either.” She informed her.

  “Really.”

  “He’s not exactly an upstanding citizen.” Harper acknowledged. “Jason’s a hell of a bass player but he’s a dog and he likes to spread it around. I suspect he’s using a spot on the bus as a way to get into Alice’s pants. And, just for the record, I did add a guest to the rider. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen so I decided to cover my bases.”

  “Oh.” Jane’s face paled a bit but she didn’t throw up or run out of the room like Harper assumed she would when she started talking about going on tour together.

  “You don’t have do the whole ‘going-on-tour’ thing. You can fly out to meet me, spend a few days or a week traveling through some interesting and beautiful part of the world, stay in fancy hotels until you get bored and then come back out on the road when you miss me again.” Harper offered the suggestion and hoped to hell that Jane would take it.

  “What happens if I don’t stop missing you?” Jane looked like a panicked little girl when she spoke and it pulled at Harper’s heart.

  “Then we’ll take a look at the situation and come up with a better plan,” Harper assured her. “We’ll compromise and adapt because that’s what people do when they’re in a-”

  “When they are in a relationship?” Jane interrupted, finishing the sentence before Harper had a chance to finish it herself. “Are we in a relationship?”

  “God, I hope so,” said Harper as she lay down next to Jane. “At least I’m assuming that we are going to be in a relationship?”

  “I’m not…” Jane paused and Harper’s heart fell.

  “You’re not what?” Harper, with her pride doing a nose dive, decided she needed to see the conversation through even with the threat of rejection looking on the horizon.

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever been in a relationship.” Jane’s voice fell to a whisper as she made the confession.

  “Ever?”

  “Well,” she paused. “There was the thing with Robin, and I’ve had a lot of sex but I’ve never wanted anyone to stick around for more than a few days.”

  Harper had to wait for her heart to stop pounding before she could speak. “So, you don’t do relationships?”

  “It’s not that.” Jane leaned her head on the edge of Harper’s shoulder and stared up at the ceiling. She looked like she was searching for the perfect words to describe an imperfect emotion. “I guess, up until now, I’ve never felt the need to be in a relationship. Before you it never seemed worth it. This whole thing just sort of snuck up on me and I’m going to sit back and let it happen.”

  “Do I get to breathe a sigh of relief or what?” Harper rolled onto her side so she could get a better look at the woman who was in the middle of stealing her heart.

  “Yes, you do.” Jane laughed. “You can breathe a sigh of relief for the both of us if you’re like and then we can do that cuddling and kissing thing until we fall asleep again.”

  Harper wrapped her arms around Jane’s waist and pulled her close. She didn’t want an inch of space left between them and she didn’t want to ever let her go because Jane might get scared and run away.

  *****

  Jane got up early to take a shower and pull herself together before Harper woke up. She knew it was silly and she wasn’t planning on putting on a full face of makeup but having clean hair and freshly brushed teeth made all the difference when they were still in the beginning stages of their newly christened relationship.

  “You don’t have to do that for me,” Harper voice, still heavy from sleeping, reached her as she finished applying a thin coat of tinted moisturizer to her face.

  “Who said it was for you?” She grinned back at Harper in the mirror. “Maybe I’m addicted to putting on mascara.”

  “I’ll call my agent and see if I can get us a spot on My Strange Addiction.” Harper laughed and sat up to watch Jane apply mascara and a touch of blush.

  “What time is Riley expecting you?”Jane tightened the edges of her robe sat down on the bed next to Harper.

  “He’s not.” She touched her index finger to Jane’s chin and smiled. “He kicked me out of the studio for a few days so I can stop obsessing about the album.”

  “Really?

  “He thinks I need to take a step back so I can get a better perspective.”

  “Does this mean you get to spend the day with me?” She asked, her heart pattering with the possibilities of serious time together. “Or a few days?”

  “It does.” Harper told her.

  “We should do something fun.”

  “Your idea of what constitutes as something fun makes me a little nervous.” Harper teased. “You’ll have me drunk and hopped up on Ambien before lunch.”

  “Okay, now you’re just giving me a hard time,” Jane laughed. “I’d never let anyone use Ambien recreationally.”

  “Good to know.” Harper ran a hand through Jane’s wild tangle of wet hair.

  “We could drive up the coast, check out a few lighthouses, maybe get a room in Bristol and visit Pemaquid Point?” She suggested the first thing that came to her mind. “I like pretending to be a tour guide.”

  “You do?” Harper asked with a sweet laugh.

  “Of course I do,” she answered. “And I might be plotting a way to make you fall in love with the area so you have more than one reason to stick around.”

  “Seduce me with real estate.” Harper noted with humor in her voice. “You certainly know the way to a girl’s heart.”

  “Here’s hoping.” Jane leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.

  “You better stop that or we’ll never have a chance to leave your bedroom,” Harper murmured as Jane broke the kiss.

  “How about you hop in the shower? I’ll map us out a few places to go and get a room reserved?” Jane slid her hand under the edge of Harper’s shirt and traced the line of soft skin just above the elastic waistband of her panties. “We can hit the road as soon as you and Riley are finished?”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Harper said before giving her another quick kiss and hopping off the bed.

  *****

  Jane was on her phone checking on hotels in Bristol on her phone when a new message came in.

  First, when she read it, her pulse started racing with anxiety and then her heart sank.

  ‘It’s Robin

  I need to talk with you’

  Jane almost didn’t answer, it would be such an easy thing to erase the message and pretend Robin and Sarah didn’t exist, but she wasn’t ready to let go of the situation until she found some resolution, so she shot her back a quick message.

  ‘About?’

  She stood up, and began counting the seconds as they ticked by. When she got to thirty she started pacing around the room, and when a full minute passed she wanted to kick herself in the ass. Robin and Sarah were an unnecessary distraction. Things were good between her and Harper. She knew there were going to be details they needed to work out but she was happy.

  Jane was deep in thought when her phone started blinking and blinking and buzzing in her hand as Robin’s message came through.

  ‘We need to talk about Sarah

  York’s in 45 mins.’

  Jane tossed her phone into her bag. Robin, ever the efficient micromanager of lives, was still determined to be in charge of everyone and everything. Jane was tempted to dig her phone out of her bag and shoot her a text that she could go fuck herself but curiosity got the better of her.

  She wanted to see Robin, and she really wanted to talk to her about her mindfuck of a breakfast she’d had with Sarah the day before.

  Jane grabbed a tee-shirt and pair of cut-offs, the ones that were too short but she
figured she might as well let Robin see what she could never have again. She dressed as fast as she could, tied her hair into a lose knot behind her head and grabbed her purse before coming up with a reasonable lie for Harper.

  With her head buzzing and her heart beating a heavy tune in her chest she cracked open the door to her bathroom, took a breath, and lied to the one person who she didn’t want to lie to.

  “Hey, my boss just messaged me.” she stammered. “I need to go down there and pick up my paycheck before he cashes it to pay the light bill.”

  “Hold on, give me a minute and I’ll go with you.” Harper pulled back the shower curtain, her hair a spiky mess of shampoo suds and her creamy skin glistening and slick with soap.

  “No, it’s okay, I won’t be very long,” she replied with lightening speed. She needed to be fast because looking at Harper made her want to strip down and hop in the shower with her and, she did not have that option at the moment. “You hang out here and wait for Riley. If we skip breakfast we can have stuffed French toast at Two Cats in Brunswick.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Harper leaned back, rinsing some of the shampoo out of her hair.

  “You can raid my closet if you’re a stickler for clean clothes.” Jane offered. “Top drawer. I’ll pack us a bag when I get back.”

  “Are you letting me wear your clothes?” Harper gasped dramatically. “That’s a big commitment. Do know what this means?”

  “Stop.” Jane laughed.

  Harper shook her head, she was grinning as she continued teasing Jane. “In some parts of the world it might mean that I’m your girlfriend.”

  “Don’t push it,” she warned jokingly. “Just get yourself pulled together before I get back.”

  Harper laughed as she pushed the shower curtain back into place and Jane felt like the sneaky asshole she truly was.

  *****

  Jane wasn’t even to the front door when Chloe caught her making her escape. She had a cup of coffee in one hand and a bottle of creamer in the other and a fuzzy, dazed expression on her face.

  “Where are you going this early?” She asked as she topped off her cup.