Losing the Ice (Ice Series #2)

by Comeaux, Jennifer

  “I was feeling so good that I thought I might remember.” He stared achingly at the keyboard. “I wanted to surprise you and play for you…”

  I put my arm around him and massaged his neck, trying to keep the tension from overtaking him again. He looked up at me, his eyes cloudy with sadness.

  “When am I going to be me again?”

  I broke apart at the despair in his voice. I had to make him realize how far he’d come already. I’d felt it when I had been in his arms.

  “You’re still you.” I placed my hand over his heart. “In here. That’s never changed.”

  “Just like tonight you were finally able to show your passion and your love for me, you’ll be able to do that with your music soon… and your skating. I know it.”

  He rested his forehead against mine, and I threaded my fingers into his hair, slowly caressing his dark locks.

  “Come here,” he whispered.

  He pulled me onto his lap, and I straddled his thighs. Our faces were just an inch apart, and his loving gaze sent warm shivers through me. He brushed his thumb across my cheek and along my jaw, and I wound my arms around him.

  “I would be so lost without you,” he said, looking deep into my eyes.

  I leaned in and kissed him gently at first, then more intently, proving to him the words I was about to speak.

  “I’ll always be here.”

  Chapter Eight

  The loud hum of the Zamboni circling the ice drowned out my training mates’ chit-chat, which was fine with me. Something more important required my attention — Josh lacing up his skates beside me. He’d given only tense smiles to everyone who had welcomed him back for his first on-ice training day. I’d asked him over the weekend if he felt ready to skate again, and he’d said yes but had quickly changed the subject.

  I secured the knots on my own laces and pulled my green leg warmers down over them. I’d woken up an hour early that morning, so anxious to skate with Josh again. We wouldn’t be doing any more than simple stroking, but I was so excited just to hold Josh’s hand on the ice. Skating solo the past month had made me feel beyond lonely.

  Sergei came down from the lounge with two large cups of coffee, and he handed one to Em. “This is the biggest cup I could find.”

  “Thank you, Love.” She turned to Josh and me. “This is my fifth already. I should just hook myself up to a coffee IV.”

  “Jet lag from hell?” I asked.

  “My body thinks it’s bedtime right now.” She took a long sip of her drink. “Josh, if I fall asleep on the ice, don’t take it personally. I really am so thrilled to have you back today.”

  He didn’t look nearly as thrilled. He rose from the bleachers and stood at the boards, watching the Zamboni exit the ice. I went to his side and followed his eyes as they darted around the rink.

  “It’s totally understandable if you’re nervous about getting back out there,” I said.

  He tapped his hands rhythmically on the boards. “I just need to get started.”

  He headed for the ice door and removed his skate guards, but he waited for the other pairs on our session to hop through the door first. I brought up the rear and took off across the ice to warm up. Josh would be doing light stroking on his own to start, so I needed to give him space. Hovering near him would probably just make him jumpier.

  I peeked behind me as I rounded the corner. Josh had finally stepped onto the ice. The rest of us were motoring around at high speed, but he was gliding slowly as he hung out near the boards. It was strange to see him so tentative when he usually blew past everyone.

  “The Resistance” streamed through the sound system, and I smiled at Em as she turned up the volume. Muse was one of Josh’s favorite bands. I tried to catch his eye, but he had his head down, zoned into the ice.

  I picked up my pace and leaned on deeper edges as I went around and around the rink. Josh had started to move a little faster, too, and my heart smiled at the sight of him looking more at ease. I loved watching him skate. He had such a natural connection with the ice.

  As I passed him, I reached out and brushed his arm, and he jumped and jerked away. I quickly recoiled, too.

  “Sorry,” we both said.

  “I didn’t know it was you,” he said, while I spoke at the same time, “I shouldn’t have—”

  “I was just concentrating,” he said.

  I nodded. “You’re doing great.”

  Don’t crowd him. Let him do his thing.

  I left him and resumed my warm-up, keeping one eye trained on him. As the minutes ticked by, Josh drifted farther away from the boards, and his posture straightened even more. I moved with added zip in my step as I sensed his confidence was slowly returning.

  When our mid-morning break came, Josh blew out a long breath and accepted warm pats on the back from Em and Sergei. He and I brought our protein bars up to the lounge and sat at one of the small tables near the glass wall.

  “You must be relieved to have that first step done,” I said.

  “My legs were so shaky when I started,” he said. “But I finally got a good feel for the ice.”

  His phone buzzed, and he clicked on it to read the text. “It’s from Steph.”

  I glanced at the big clock above the rink. Stephanie must have had a morning class at fashion design school if she was up that early on the West Coast.

  “I talked to her last night.” Josh set aside the phone. “They’re all coming here for Christmas.”

  “All?” I looked at him over the rim of my water bottle. “As in Stephanie and your parents?”

  “I was as surprised as you are. Then Steph told me they’re going to some big party a few days later in New York City, so it all made sense. They’re just stopping here on the way.”

  “Where are they staying?”

  “At a hotel in Boston.”

  I fiddled with my ponytail. “Can we visit with them separately on Christmas? I really don’t want to invite them to my parents’ house. They’re just going to make everything uncomfortable and be all judgmental about where my parents live.”

  “That’s fine with me.”

  I crumpled my protein bar wrapper and squeezed it in my fist. I’d thought we would have a relaxing holiday — dinner with Mrs. Cassar on Christmas Eve and then a quiet celebration with my parents the next day. Josh was still working through his anxiety, and having his family in town would no doubt lead to more agitation.

  We returned to the ice a few minutes later, and Sergei stopped me before I could take off on my own.

  “Ready to skate with your partner?” He grinned.

  I jumped up and down with glee on the inside but kept my giddiness in check on the outside. Sergei instructed us to do crossovers together, one of the basic exercises we had done when we’d first teamed up. Josh took my hand, and he held it so fiercely I thought he might crush the bones in my fingers.

  “I know you got me.” I smiled.

  He loosened his grip a bit, and we began to push across the ice with identical strokes. Soon we were circling the rink with sweeping crossovers. Em motioned a few times for us to slow down, but it was hard not to get overly excited and fly faster. Having Josh beside me made me feel like a complete skater.

  Just doing the easy warm-up exercise with Josh also had my competitive juices flowing again. We had six weeks until nationals, and I wanted so badly to be on the ice in Greensboro, to perform the beautiful programs we’d poured our hearts into perfecting. I couldn’t get ahead of myself, though. We had a lot of training time to make up, and Josh had only taken baby steps so far.

  He turned his head and made eye contact with me, and his bright smile strengthened our belief in us. It gave me renewed hope we could conquer all the challenges ahead. One stroke at a time.

  ****

  I opened my locker and bounced on my heels. A new gift from my Secret Santa awaited me. I grabbed the small gift bag and carried it out to the rink. For the past week, Santa had given me a variety of presents �
�� from a strawberry-scented candle to a pair of furry green earmuffs. I pulled the tissue paper from the bag and found a figurine of Donald and Daisy Duck as a figure skating pair.

  Josh saw my wide smile, and he grinned just as big. “What you got there? Is that from your Secret Santa?”

  “I wonder who that person could be…” I tapped my chin and gave him a knowing look.

  “You’ll find out very soon.” His eyebrows danced.

  With holiday music playing on the stereo and our rink party later that day, everyone was in a festive mood. Only a few days remained before Christmas. On the ice, Josh and I had advanced from simple stroking to doing spins and double jumps. We had also practiced all our lifts off the ice. Em and Sergei had a steady plan for us as we inched closer to nationals.

  I stashed my gift in the locker room and hustled back to the ice for the start of the next session. Josh was already out there, waiting for our next task from Em and Sergei.

  “You’re one minute late.” He tugged on my ponytail and smiled. “Slacker.”

  “It’s time to put the lifts on the ice,” Sergei said.

  Josh’s smile vanished. “Already?”

  “You’re right on schedule with where we hoped you’d be. It’s the next step toward doing sections of your programs.”

  “You’re ready,”Em said. “We wouldn’t ask you to do this if you weren’t.”

  I grasped Josh’s hand and looked up at him. “Our timing with them on the floor has been great. We got this.”

  He shuffled his skates and remained quiet as Sergei directed us to do the star lift first. We set off from the boards, and Josh’s hold on my hand intensified.

  “Just like riding a bike,” I said, trying to maintain the positive mood.

  I wasn’t sure Josh had even heard me. He was staring down at the ice and didn’t give me any kind of response. I was going to have to kick us into action to get his attention.

  “Ready?” I said and sped up my skates.

  Josh had no choice but to follow me or be dragged behind. We transitioned into matching crossovers and gathered more speed, and we moved into position for the lift entry. I put my hand on Josh’s shoulder while he set his on my hip, and I waited for him to press me into the air.

  And waited… and waited…

  Josh’s chest puffed in and out in quick spurts, and a sheen of sweat covered his forehead. I reached up to touch his flushed cheek, but he dashed past me and grabbed onto the boards, facing away from the ice. I called his name and raced over to him.

  He bent his head, and his hands shook as he braced them on the boards. He was still breathing rapidly.

  What’s happening? Is he having a panic attack?

  I rubbed up and down his spine. “Try to take deep breaths.”

  He closed his eyes and slowly inhaled and exhaled. I kept massaging his back, and I gave Em and Sergei a wide-eyed look as they skated over to us.

  “Josh, what’s wrong?” Em asked.

  “I’m okay,” he whispered, but his head remained down.

  “Let’s go sit.” Em gently took his elbow.

  He carefully lifted his head and glided between Em and Sergei to the ice door. I followed, and we all sat on the bleachers.

  “What happened?” Sergei asked.

  Josh drank from his water bottle and wiped his glistening face with a towel. “My heart started beating really fast, and I couldn’t catch my breath.”

  “Have you felt that way any other time since you’ve been back on the ice?” Em asked.

  “No, it was just… just right now.”

  When we were about to do a lift for the first time since the accident.

  “Maybe we should take you to the ER to make sure you’re okay,” Em said.

  “I’m fine. I feel fine now,” Josh insisted.

  “I had a panic attack once,” I said. “I felt the same way… like I couldn’t breathe. I almost passed out.”

  Em put her hand on Josh’s arm. “You don’t have to be nervous. You’ve trained these lifts for so long. Trust in that training.”

  Josh didn’t say anything, and Sergei asked, “Do you want to try doing it again?”

  Josh stared at the ice for a long minute, and he only gave a quiet nod in reply. We returned to the ice, and I stood in front of him so he’d have to look at me.

  “Hey,” I said softly and grasped his waist. “I trust you. Completely.”

  He held my gaze momentarily and then took one of my hands. With a quick push of his blades, he urged us across the ice. I followed his lead and tracked my steps with his.

  As we did crossovers around the rink, Josh’s grip on my hand became clammy, and I watched him closely. He was visibly breathing hard again. He squeezed my hand tighter, and the shakiness of his arm vibrated mine. He was not okay.

  I started to say his name, but he let go of me before I could finish. He turned and hunched forward with his hands on his thighs. I had visions of him passing out right there on the ice.

  I put my arm around him and quickly steered him to the boards, away from the skater traffic. He bent all the way forward so his elbows rested on the wooden barrier.

  “We don’t have to do this now.” I smoothed my palm along the back of his T-shirt.

  Em began to move toward us, but I signaled for her to give us space. The other pairs gave us concerned looks as they continued their training around us.

  When Josh eventually stood tall, I saw how sweat-soaked his face was. He looked as if he had done an entire program run-through.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You’re doing the best you can.”

  “I should be able to do better. I want to do better. I just can’t…” He clenched his fingers in his hair. “I keep feeling the sensation of my feet slipping and you falling.”

  “That was a fluke thing. You’ve done thousands of lifts perfectly.”

  “I know, but all I can see is that one. That horrible one.”

  The pain of the memory showed in his eyes, and I didn’t know how to erase it. All I could do was remind him he could lean on me anytime he needed. I wrapped him in a long hug and listened to his heartbeat slowly return to normal.

  “Maybe you should talk to the psychologist about this,” I said.

  “I doubt I can get in with her during the holidays.” He pulled back a little so he faced me. “And we don’t have time to wait for whenever I can see her. I have to do this myself. I have to keep trying to get past this.”

  How was he going to do that? By giving himself panic attacks until they hopefully stopped? I couldn’t stand seeing him in that state. But I had no idea how to help him trust himself again.

  Chapter Nine

  We’d tried everything.

  We’d practiced the lift entrances without Josh picking me up. We’d done the lifts while stationary on the ice. We’d watched our training videos from the summer.

  Nothing had worked.

  Every time we tried to actually execute a lift, Josh backed off. He had a mental block he seemingly couldn’t overcome.

  The past few days had raised Josh’s frustration level again as he fought his internal struggle. While working through our Christmas Eve morning practice, we made another attempt at the press lift, the most basic overhead one in skating. Josh and I clasped hands, but as soon as the moment came to press me into the air, he dropped my hands and sped off the ice. I zoomed along the same path and caught up to him as he snapped on his skate guards.

  “Josh, don’t—”

  “Why can’t I do this?” he growled at himself.

  I touched his arm. “We’ll just keep trying and—”

  “I have to take a break. This is making me crazy.”

  He stormed toward the locker room, running into a trash can and kicking it aside. I was so busy watching him I didn’t notice Stephanie until she marched up to me.

  “What did you do?” she snapped. “Josh never acts like that.”

&n
bsp; I am SO not in the mood for this.

  “What are you doing here?” I barked. “I thought you’d be sleeping after taking the red-eye.”

  “I asked our driver to bring me down so I could see Josh.” She folded her arms over her sleek leather coat. “Since you’re hogging him until tomorrow night.”

  I slapped on my skate guards. “Now isn’t a good time.”

  “I’m going to talk to my brother.” She started for the locker room.

  “Don’t,” I yelled after her and then calmed my voice, “Please let him be. He needs a few minutes alone.”

  “What’s going on?”

  I sighed and massaged my temples. I couldn’t keep the truth from her. She was going to find out eventually, especially if Josh and I had to pull out of nationals… which was looking more likely each day we couldn’t run our full programs.

  “Josh hasn’t been able to do any of the lifts. He can’t get past what happened at Skate America.”

  She stared at me like she couldn’t process what I’d said. “He’s never been scared of anything on the ice.”

  “The accident really shook him. It’s affected him more than just physically.”

  “He’s sounded fine when I’ve talked to him. He never said there were any problems from the concussion.”

  “He didn’t want you to know he’s had a rough time. He thought he’d be fine by the time you visited, but he’s not.” I picked up my water bottle and twiddled with the cap. “He’s had a lot of anxiety and… he hasn’t been able to play the piano like he used to.”

  She gaped at me. “He forgot how to play?”

  I nodded slowly. “It’s been incredibly hard for him.”

  “What do the doctors say? I mean, he’s going to remember, right?”

  “He’s working on it, but it’s taking some time.”

  “How could he not tell me about this?” She narrowed her blue eyes. “Did you make him lie to me?”

  Of course she would automatically place the blame on me.

  “Steph?” Josh emerged from the locker room.