Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader
Page 26
Dust is defined as particles small enough to be carried by air currents.
THE (ALMOST) COLONY
From the Dustbin of History, the story of an American colony that didn’t quite make it, brought to you by BRI historian and master spy Jeff Cheek.
YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE
Most American students are taught that the first two permanent English colonies in America were Jamestown, Virginia, founded in l607, and Plymouth, Massachusetts, established in l620. They’re also taught that Jamestown and Plymouth became the nucleii of the first two of the thirteen original British colonies. Their hardy pioneers survived famine, disease, and conflicts with the Native Americans to found what eventually became the United States of America.
Few students (and possibly only the most dedicated American-history buffs) are aware that another successful colony—the Popham Colony—was established in Maine before Plymouth. Its demise is difficult to understand, since the colony was fairly well managed, safe, and well-supplied. The other two defied all logic by hanging on; Popham didn’t. The reason? Popham’s boss got a better offer.
SIR JOHN’S STOCKADE
In May l607, as Jamestown was being settled, two ships carrying l20 colonists sailed from England, headed for Maine’s Kennebec River. The Gift of God arrived on August l3, the Mary and John three days later. Leading the expedition was an aging nobleman, Governor George Popham, nephew of Sir John Popham, Lord Chief Justice of England and one of the mission’s chief financiers. Second in command was a naval officer named Raleigh Gilbert (nephew of famed explorer Sir Walter Raleigh), described by historians as ambitious, brash, and arrogant—and just 25 years old.
Within two months of their arrival they had built Fort St. George, a large walled fort, inside of which were no fewer than 18 buildings, including a storehouse for supplies, a governor’s house, a blacksmith’s shop, and homes for colonists. Land was cleared and planted. Shipwrights even used local timber to construct a 50-foot ship called the Virginia—the first English-built ship in the New World. Popham was a thriving colony with a bright future.
All look up: Elvis Presley believed that he could move clouds with his mind.
WINTER BLUES
Many of the Popham settlers were English gentlemen who had simply come along for the adventure. When the Gift of God sailed back to England in December, almost half the colonists went home—a comfortable English estate was preferable to a bitter Maine winter in a stockade. But all those who remained made it through to spring…except Popham himself, who died in February 1608. Compare that to Jamestown, where more than half of the 104 settlers died before the first winter had passed.
Popham’s death made Raleigh the colony’s new governor…and he did a pretty good job. He used the Virginia to fish for cod and to map the rocky coastline, established at least some trade with the local Abenaki tribe, shipped the goods back to England (the whole point of establishing colonies), and reportedly kept the colonists in high spirits through the summer and in the face of winter’s return. Then, in September, another ship arrived…and the news it brought was the death knell for Popham Colony.
POP GOES THE COLONY
Gilbert was notified that his elder brother, John, had died, leaving him an enormous estate—including a castle—in Devonshire, England. He had a choice: He could stay in Maine and develop the colony, or return home as Sir Raleigh, Lord of the Manor. He chose the latter, and the colonists, having lost two leaders in one year, had apparently had enough. They decided to go back to England, too. With that, Popham Colony was done…and was soon forgotten. If they’d held on—who knows—American students just may have been told the story of “the original 14 colonies.”
Epilogue: In 1990 archaeologist Dr. Jeffrey Brain heard about Popham colony for the first time in his 40-year career. Using the only surviving document from the colony, a map showing the fort, buildings, and some coastline, he searched the Maine coast for the next seven years…and found the lost colony. Excavation is ongoing, but the remains of the fort and several buildings have been found, as well as artifacts such as glass beads, a clay pipe, nails, pottery, and armor. If you’re ever up on the Maine coast—go take a look at some forgotten American history.
Mary, Queen of Scots played billiards while awaiting her execution.
POP CULTURE ANAGRAMS
An anagram is a rearrangement of the letters in a word or phrase to get a new word or phrase. Sometimes the new phrase is even a pretty fitting commentary on the original. Here are anagrams of the names of some popular TV shows, books, musicians, songs, and movies.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE
SLAYER becomes…PITHY
FEMALE BRAVES FURY
THE ROLLING STONES
becomes…HELL! SING
SO ROTTEN!
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
becomes …A STUD
BENEATH, YA BET!
GREY’S ANATOMY
becomes…AGONY
MASTERY
THE WONDER YEARS
becomes…DREARY
TEEN SHOW
STAR WARS EPISODE ONE:
THE PHANTOM MENACE
becomes…REMADE
PHENOMENON IS
CATASTROPHE,
WASTE
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
becomes…WE ARE
DEVIOUS SHE-PETS
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
becomes…KOOK CREW
GO CARNAL
GOLDILOCKS AND THE
THREE BEARS
becomes…GIRL HAD
CEREALS, THEN
TOOK BEDS
THE SOPRANOS becomes…
A PERSON SHOT
CHARLIE AND THE
CHOCOLATE FACTORY
becomes…THE TALE OF
CANDY-O-HOLIC
CHARACTER
HOW THE WEST WAS WON
becomes…WHAT WE
SHOT WE OWNS
SOUTH PARK becomes…
OK, TRASH UP
BEST IN SHOW becomes…
WHITE SNOBS
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF
THE SPOTLESS MIND
becomes…ELEMENT
SHUTS RELATIONSHIP
FONDNESS
“GOOD VIBRATIONS”
becomes…AVOIDING
ROBOTS
One inch of rain, falling over an area of one acre, weighs one ton.
THE COMPLAINT DESK
The best part about living in a free society is that you can complain about anything that bothers you. We all do it, but some people do it loudly and in public…which sometimes makes the rest of us laugh.
ROOTS AND SUITS
The Blue Parrot diner in Louisville, Colorado, was founded in 1919 by two Italian immigrants. Their signature sandwich is “the Wopburger.” The offensive name never received a single complaint…until 2007, when an Italian-American tourist objected and threatened a lawsuit. The restaurant’s owners changed the name to the “Italian Burger,” but after even more people complained about that, they changed it back to the Wopburger.
IT’S SO NOT FAIR
For six years, the Wilson County Fair in Tennessee has offered a $2 “religious” discount off admission to anyone who brought a church bulletin. In 2008 an atheist organization called Secular Life protested the discount, claiming it unfairly “promoted Christianity.” Fair organizers responded by extending the discount to customers who brought a printout from any atheist Web site.
I SCREAM
In 2008 noise complaints led the city of Worcester in England to place restrictions on ice cream truck music. Music may no longer be played before noon or after 7:00 p.m., may last only four seconds, and may be played only once every three minutes.
PLAY ON WORDS
The Atlantic Theater in Atlantic Beach, Florida, staged Eve Ensler’s female-empowerment play The Vagina Monologues in February 2007. A woman drove by the theater with her school-age niece, who read the marquee and asked her what a vagina was. The woman complained to the theater,
which is ordinarily a comedy club, so they rebilled the play on the marquee as The Hoohah Monologues. “We decided we would just use child slang for it,” said Atlantic’s director Bryce Pfanenstiel.
The first TV series in which every episode was shot in color: Bonanza (1959–’73).
PIGGING OUT
For decades one of the traditional activities at the annual St. Patrick Catholic Church Roundup in Stephensville, Wisconsin, was a pig-wrestling contest. It was recently discontinued when some attendees complained that the pigs squealed too much. “Some city folks come out here and don’t understand,” said a St. Patrick spokesman.
NEGATIVE RESPONSE
In November 2007, England introduced a new scratch-off lottery game called Cool Cash. The game had a weather theme: The player won money if the temperature they scratched off was lower than the one printed on the card. Cool Cash was pulled from stores after officials received complaints from angry players who apparently didn’t understand how negative numbers work (such as how –6° is a colder temperature than –5°).
OUT CLUBBING
The Hopwood Unionist Club is a social club in Manchester, England. In 2003 it ended its 100-year tradition as a men-only organization and began admitting women. But in 2008, while a group of men and women were playing bingo and cards in the club’s sports room, golf was on the TV set and a woman asked if they could change it to a music channel. The response: Not only did golf stay on, but Hopwood leaders voted to ban women from the sports room. Club secretary Peter Burt said, “There was more to it than the TV channel thing.”
BOO HOO
In 2006 Wall Street executives and brokers enjoyed record-high, multimillion-dollar annual bonuses. In a New York Times article on the subject, one anonymous broker complained that New York City didn’t have a decent selection of $20 million properties for sale.
“While others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper, I just want to make sure mine doesn’t end with a whine.”
—Barbara Gordon
Uranus is a gas giant.
THE COMMANDER GUY
This marks the end of an era—our final George W. Bush quote page during his presidency. (Please lower the toilet paper to half-mast.)
“And Karen is with us—a West Texas girl, just like me!”
“My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions.”
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”
“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
“I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality.”
“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
“As you know, my position is clear—I’m the Commander Guy.”
“The public education system…is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society.”
“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I’m not gonna answer your question.”
“You know, there are all these conspiracy theories that Dick Cheney runs the country, or Karl Rove runs the country. Why aren’t there any conspiracy theories that I run the country? Really ticks me off.”
“I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.”
“I would still invade Iraq even if Iraq never existed.”
“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”
“More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way.”
“I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here.”
“It’ll take time to restore chaos.”
In 1940 U.S. paratroopers watched the movie Geronimo before their first jump. They’ve been shouting it ever since.
BLOKUS, ANYONE?
Monopoly, Risk, and Uno are classics, but what board games do board game enthusiasts play? We asked our friend, Merry Vediner at funagain.com, to recommend some, and here’s what she came up with.
BLOKUS (Mensa’s Best Mind Game 2003). The players take turns placing their colored tiles on the 400-square board, beginning with their home corner. Every piece set down has to touch at least one other piece of the same color. The goal: dominate the board with your color.
TICKET TO RIDE (Germany’s Game of the Year 2004). This game simulates the 19th-century railway boom. Players draw cards that give them longer trains and claims to train routes connecting cities. Points are awarded by connecting two distant cities and for the longest continuous railway.
LOST CITIES (International Gamers Awards, Best Two-Player Game 2000). In this two-player card game, players draw cards to determine what “lost cities” (including “Neptune’s Realm” or the Brazilian Rain Forest) they will explore. On the adventures, players draw cards that reveal resources and obstacles.
BUYWORD (Games Magazine’s Game of the Year, 2005). In this cross between Monopoly and SCRABBLE, players “purchase” letter tiles, each with a monetary value, which are used to spell words. (Hard-to-use letters like Q, X, and Z are worth the most.) The player who makes the most money wins.
PUERTO RICO (International Gamers Awards, Best Strategy Game 2003). Each player assumes the role of Settler, Builder, Mayor, Prospector, or Trader as they compete to build buildings, grow plantations, and amass wealth in 1540s Puerto Rico.
THROUGH THE DESERT (Games Magazine’s Best Family Strategy Game Runner-Up, 1999). Each player is a nomadic tribe (represented by a camel game-piece), fighting for the control of a desert. Players gain points by establishing caravans and taking control of oases and food sources.
MAKING A MOVIE, PART II: THE PRODUCERS
Now we focus our attention on the plethora of producers and their many tasks—including the most important one: divvying up the money. (Part I is on page 116.)
FROM ASSOCIATES TO EXECUTIVES
Once the shooting script is finalized, the producer begins putting together the production department. That includes producers, executive producers, associate producers, co-producers, and line producers. But what do all of these people actually do? Their tasks often overlap on the same project, but not only that—people with the same title on another project often have completely different duties. For this reason, the Producers Guild of America (PGA) is currently working to streamline these terms and make the duties more consistent.
• Producer. A movie will have several producers; the one in charge of all the others is simply called “producer.” Although he or she wears many hats, the primary duties consist of staying with the film from development to release, making sure that every department has everything they need in order to complete their jobs. For a more technical definition, the PGA states: “A producer initiates, coordinates, supervises, and controls all aspects of the motion-picture production process, including creative, financial, technological, and administrative.” More and more big-name directors and actors want to be producers as well, allowing them more control (but not all) over how the story will be told.
• Executive producer. He or she oversees all the business and legal aspects of the film—negotiating contracts, securing rights, insuring the picture, hiring the core filmmaking team, and sometimes even financing the movie. The creative work can’t be started until this process is complete. On some projects, the writer/creator is given an executive producer credit, even though they didn’t do a lot of work on the actual film. In other cases, the studio heads who secured rights and approved financing of a film may be given executive producer credits.
• Associate producer. He or she works at the producer’s side, doing the legwork that the producer doesn’t have time for. A mentor/student relationship oft
en results, as most associate producers are working to become full-fledged producers themselves. This is also one of the most common “gift” credits given out as favors to stars or financiers who in reality performed no producer duties at all.
• Co-producer. Another confusing term, this title is often awarded for different duties depending on the project and is mostly used in television. On a big-budget film, however, a co-producer credit may be given to a team of production executives who act as liaisons between the producer and the cast and crew.
• Line producer/unit production manager. These two terms are often used to describe the same job, depending on the project. What they have in common is that each is the keeper of the budget. If a film is financed for $40 million, the line producer will read the script and then figure out how to divvy up the money—line by line on a 100-page budget—so that every department will have the funds to carry out their duties. After that, it becomes the unit production manager’s job to tell the director that there isn’t enough money for, say, shooting at an exotic location. If the director insists, the line producer will break down the budget a second time and try to free up money from other departments to fund the location shoot. Compromises such as this are the norm. For example, if the visual effects look weak, it’s often because the studio had to pay the star more money than the initial budget could afford.
The cellulose in celery is impossible for humans to digest.
REEL-LIFE EXAMPLE: SPIDER-MAN 2
Here’s a very simplified version of how the money was spent on the 2004 superhero movie, one of the most expensive—it had a $200 million budget—and highest-grossing movies of all time.
Story rights: $20 million. Marvel Comics owns the character and charged a hefty price to Sony, the studio that made the film. Marvel has since opened its own film division.
Screenplay: $10 million. Spider-Man 2 went through many of the same kinds of story changes documented in the section on screenplays. In the end, the money was divided between the men who created the character, Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, plus a host of other screenwriters who wrote drafts. The bulk of the money, however, went to Alvin Sargent who (along with director Sam Raimi) finalized the script and was given the sole writing credit.