Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The lowest temperature of the day is usually right after sunrise.

  Producers: $15 million. That’s only the “up front” money. According to Archie Thomas, the movie writer who compiled much of this information for The Guardian in 2004, “including performance-related bonuses, or ‘bumps’ from Spider-Man reaching box-office targets, producer Laura Ziskin is rumored to have pocketed over $30 million. The escalating fees paid to actors are often reported, but the producers are among the richest people on the set.”

  Director: $10 million. Bringing in Sam Raimi to direct the first Spider-Man movie was a risk, as he had directed mostly low-budget horror movies, but it paid off big-time…and he was able to negotiate for a much higher salary for the sequel.

  Casting: $30 million. (Tobey Maguire: $17 million, Kirsten Dunst: $7 million, Alfred Molina: $3 million, the rest of the cast: $3 million.) Negotiating these deals is often intense. Maguire—earning more than four times his salary from the first film—was reportedly fired during preproduction after showing up with a nonchalant attitude and complaining of a hurt back. When producers offered the part to Jake Gyllenhaal, Maguire’s reps had to convince the producers that Maguire was indeed ready for the role and would submit to medical tests to prove it. And along with their salaries, the main stars receive such “perks” as personal assistants, trainers, chefs, first-class travel and accommodations, and anything else their clout can get them. All of the expenses so far are what’s called above-the-line, paid to actors, writers, producers, and the director.

  Production costs: $45 million. Called below-the-line, this is the money that goes into paying and feeding the crew, renting the equipment, fees for location shooting, and all the raw materials needed for building the sets. This is the money that the line producer/unit production manager must divvy up. (On smaller films, this is also where the most corners are cut, starting with food and housing for the crew.)

  One in 10 men grind their teeth while sleeping.

  Visual effects: $65 million. Not only can this be the most expensive part of big-budget movies, it’s usually the one that causes projects to go over budget. It takes an army of highly skilled programmers months to create, animate, render, and fuse the digital effects into the film. The more complex the shots, the more they cost. For example, one scene in 2007’s Spider-Man 3—when Sandman is “born”—took three years to complete and cost nearly as much as the entire effects budget for Spider-Man 2.

  Music: $5 million. Danny Elfman wrote most of the score, but after disagreements with director Sam Raimi, Christopher Young and John Debney were brought in to write additional themes. This is actually quite common. In addition to paying the composers, they had to pay an orchestra to perform the score. In addition to that, part of this budget goes to purchasing rights to songs used in the soundtrack.

  Marketing and Distribution: These costs aren’t usually added into the film’s budget—the studios take care of this and won’t disclose how much money is spent on promos and corporate tie-ins, but it’s usually in the tens of millions of dollars. The cost for “prints and advertising” on Spider-Man 2 was reportedly around $75 million.

  EXTRA HELP

  A recent trend is to get advertisers to pay for a share of the movie in return for product placement. The modern era of product placement began in 1982 when sales of Reese’s Pieces skyrocketed after appearing in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. A company will now pay millions if the product is displayed prominently and in a good light. There’s even a new practice of tailoring the product to the country in which the movie is being shown. In Spider-Man 2, North American audiences saw a Dr Pepper logo behind Peter Parker when he got fired from his job; in Europe the logo was digitally replaced with Mirinda, a popular European fruit drink that’s also distributed by Pepsico.

  But no matter who provides the money, all of the expenses must be budgeted and divvied up before the real work on the movie can begin.

  For Part III, go to page 330.

  Product most commonly used to clean elephants: Murphy’s Oil Soap.

  EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN

  Given a little time and a modicum of mental strength, you should be able to solve these. (But in case you can’t, the answers are on page 540.)

  1. Name the only U.S. state that has four consecutive consonants in its name.

  2. This special number is in order: 8,549,176,320. What kind of order?

  3. What letter does not occur in any U.S. state name?

  4. Name the only number that, when spelled out, has the same number of letters as its value.

  5. What do these five words have in common? adam buoy claim gall ramp

  6. Name the only two U.S. states that contain three consecutive vowels in their name.

  7. What nine-letter word can be made by unscrambling these letters?

  ACCEHIMNS

  8. This U.S. state name is made up of three words—in order. The first and the third words have opposite meanings, and the middle word is very egotistical. (Hint: It’s not a two-word state name.)

  9. What’s the minimum number of playing cards in a hand that can consist of one king, two clubs, three jacks, and four hearts?

  10. Think of the only 9-letter word that contains one vowel. (If your brain isn’t too weak.)

  11. Think of a dangerous five-letter reptile. Remove the letter “o” and rearrange the remaining letters to form a four-letter crustacean that’s not nearly as dangerous.

  12. One of these animals does not begin with something that the other three do. What? pigeon donkey beetle bullfrog

  13. Name exactly 100 words that do not contain the letters a, b, c, or d. (Hint: They’re all connected…and they keep getting bigger.)

  14. What’s special about the word “swims”?

  15. In what well-known word do these six consecutive consonants appear?

  tchphr

  Bug hussies: Aphids are born pregnant.

  44 THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH A COCONUT

  From the edible white stuff to the husk to the fibrous coating to the leaves to the oil, nearly every part of a coconut plant has dozens of uses. The coconut is truly the plant kingdom’s buffalo.

  BACKGROUND

  The palm tree and its fruit, what we call the coconut, are native to tropical regions, and probably originated in what is now Indonesia. The coconut (technically a seed, not a nut) got its name from Spanish explorers who called it coco, a colloquialism that means “grinning face,” because the three holes on the side of a coconut husk resemble a face. Coconuts have been common in the West only since the 1800s, but people who know the tropics also know that the coconut tree can provide a vast number of necessities.

  1. Drink the coconut water, which contains antioxidants, fiber, minerals, and high amounts of potassium, magnesium, protein, and iron.

  2. Make coconut milk. It’s not the same thing as coconut water. To get “milk,” grate coconut meat into water, let it soak, then squeeze and remove the pulp.

  3. Make ruku raa, a drink from the Maldives, by extracting the nectar from the young buds. This creates a sweet syrup and creamy sugar, useful in cooking or desserts.

  4. Eat the white meat. Dry or freeze it to keep it longer.

  5. Ferment the nectar of the flower clusters to make toddy, also called tuba, palm wine, or “Guam’s moonshine.”

  6. Eat the cream that rises to the top of coconut milk.

  7. Make a gelatinlike dessert called nata de coco (“cream of coconut”).

  8. Make a coconut-scented food or fragrance.

  9. Eat the young fruit buds, but be aware that harvesting them kills the entire tree. (In Asia, they’re served in expensive “millionaire’s salads.”)

  10. Feed your livestock with the husk fiber.

  11. Eat the fluffy, super-sweet substance in a young coconut that will separate into the meat and water.

  12. Wrap rice in coconut palm leaves for cooking and storage, like the Filipinos do.

  13. Make candy from the sap.

  1
4. Make dye from the roots.

  15. Weave the fibrous husk, called the coir, into mats or lace it into ropes. You can also use it to make boat caulking, potting compost, yarn, car seat covers, flowerpots, gardening mulch, insulation, brushes, bristles, mattresses, hats, rugs, carpet, bedding, decorations, and even a microporous aquarium filter.

  16. Carve shirt buttons from the shells, like they do in Hawaii.

  17. Create brushes, brooms, cooking skewers, and arrows from the stiff ribs of the palm leaves.

  18. Weave the leaves into thatched roofs, baskets, or mats.

  19. Fray a piece of the root and use it as a toothbrush; then make toothpaste out of the coconut oil.

  20. Make mouthwash from ground-up roots mixed with water.

  21. Buff floors with dried coconut half shells.

  22. Make folk music with half shells like the Filipinos, Chinese, and Vietnamese do.

  23. Make a bra out of two half shells, even if just for a laugh.

  24. Carve the shells into bowls, spoons, ladles, serving trays, bangles, earrings, necklaces, and pendants.

  25. Make bags out of the leaves.

  26. Make a hamster bed out of a hollowed-out shell.

  27. Make a bird feeder out of a cleaned-out half shell.

  28. Build furniture or even structures (like Manila’s Coconut Palace) with the tree trunks.

  29. Build small, salt-resistant bridges out of the trunks.

  30. Treat snakebites with coconut oil, like they do in Pakistan.

  31. Make shampoo and soaps out of coconut oil.

  32. Drink the water of a young coconut to relieve fever, headache, upset stomach, diarrhea, and dysentery. Well, that’s what some say it can do. It’s also reputed to strengthen the heart and restore energy if you’re sick—pregnant women drink lots of it because they believe it gives babies strength and vitality.

  33. Prevent fogging on snorkeling goggles by rubbing a fresh, inner coconut husk on the lens.

  34. Use the fibers as ground fill to prevent topsoil erosion.

  35. Rub coconut oil on your scalp and skin for healthy hair and complexion, or to help ward off infection. It’s said to reduce symptoms of skin conditions such as dermatitis, eczema, and psoriasis and aids in immune system function. It also appears to assist with constipation, digestion problems, and weight control.

  36. Make a short-term intravenous hydration fluid out of coconut water. Really.

  37. Simulate a horse’s hoofbeats by banging coconut halves together. This method is often used for sound effects in theater and movies.

  38. Make containers, drums, and small canoes out of the hollowed-out trunks like the Hawaiians once did.

  39. Use coconut oil for its antibacterial, antiaging, and antiviral properties. It’s also been shown to fight off measles, influenza, yeast infections, and fungal infections. A study conducted in the Yucatan has shown that those using coconut oil daily had higher metabolisms, and women didn’t suffer typical menopause symptoms.

  40. Try coconut oil as an emergency replacement for diesel fuel. Filipino troops used it during World War II.

  41. Burn the husks and shells as firewood.

  42. Make bombs out of coconut shells filled with gunpowder. (But don’t.)

  43. Make switches out of the leaf branches for use in corporal punishment. (Don’t do that, either.)

  44. Inscribe a message on a coconut shell. The crew of PT-109 did it when they were shipwrecked in 1943. John F. Kennedy commanded that boat, and the coconut later sat on his desk. (It’s now in his presidential library.)

  More airline luggage is lost in Egypt than in any other country.

  Richard Nixon once said the Miss America Pageant was the only TV show he’d let his daughters stay up late to watch.

  MUSICAL NOTES

  Pssst! Here’s some rumors and idle talk to go with your iPod. Pass it on!

  KNIGHTLY NEWS

  When the Beatles were invested in the Order of the British Empire in a 1965 ceremony at Buckingham Palace, they were so intimidated by the thought of meeting the Queen that they snuck into a palace restroom for a few minutes to “compose” themselves. At the ceremony “we were giggling like crazy,” John Lennon remembered, “because we had just smoked a joint in the loo of Buckingham Palace, we were so nervous. We had nothing to say.” (George Harrison swore they only smoked cigarettes.)

  BURNED

  In the 1980s, Pete Burns found fame as the lead singer of Dead or Alive, whose song “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record),” topped the pop charts in 1985. Today he’s better known for botched plastic surgery: When a 2000 procedure to remove lip implants went horribly awry, Burns spent his entire fortune on more than 100 surgeries to repair the damage. Ironically, the notoriety revived his career: In 2006 he was cast in the British reality show Celebrity Big Brother and hosted the TV special Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares.

  A BETTE BY ANY OTHER NAME

  Bette Midler, whose song “The Rose” hit #3 on the U.S. pop charts in 1979, is named after Bette Davis. So why is her name pronounced “Bet” instead of “Betty?” It’s a mistake—Midler’s mother thought that was how Davis pronounced her name.

  SHOCK AND AW(FUL)

  During the Second Gulf War in 2003, the U.S. military needed a way to get Saddam Hussein’s Ba’ath loyalists to reveal sensitive information, such as where the dictator was hiding. One of the techniques they came up with: forcing the loyalists to listen to heavy metal music—Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” was a favorite—interspersed with children's songs like the theme to Sesame Street and songs by Barney the Dinosaur. “Trust me, it works,” one American official told Newsweek magazine.

  Hank Williams and John Mellencamp were born with spina bifida, a birth defect of the spinal cord.

  A HOLE IN THE HEAD

  If you’ve ever said, “I need that like I need a hole in my head,” you might want to read this article to find out what you’re missing.

  THE HOLE STORY

  There’s actually a term to describe the practice of purposely boring a hole into the human skull for “medical” purposes. It’s called trepanning, and it dates back at least 7,000 years—archaeologists have discovered Neanderthal skulls that had nickel-size holes in them. During the Middle Ages, the procedure was used to release the “demons,” which were believed to be the cause of mental illness. By the 19th century, trepanning was still commonplace, although it was believed to cure mental illness by relieving pressure on the brain, not by exorcising evil spirits. The surgery fell out of favor in the early 20th century, when doctors realized the primitive procedure was ineffective (and dangerous).

  In 1962 a Dutch self-help guru named Bart Huges tried to spearhead a modern-day trepanning comeback. While searching for a way to expand his consciousness and increase his brainpower, he somehow concluded that the key was in somehow opening up the skull. His “reasoning”: Children are fast learners and have creative minds because their skulls are not yet fully formed or fully enclosed, and their high levels of creativity are due to higher levels of blood flow (and oxygen) to the brain. Huges decided that with trepanning, he could mimic the open skull and reap the rewards of increased blood flow. Using a surgical drill, Huges performed the procedure on himself (and then stitched up the skin over the borehole…himself).

  DRILL BITS

  For the record, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that drilling a hole in the head results in anything other than putting a person at serious risk of injury or death. But despite being committed to a mental institution after he extolled the virtues of trepanning to reporters, Huges served as a model for many latter-day trepanning advocates. (One more warning: Do not try this at home.)

  Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber sold at auction for $206,600. (Darth Vader’s fetched only $118,000.)

  • In 2000 Heather Perry of England suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome, of which the major symptom is…chronic fatigue. After doing some research, she decided that the only way to cure the condition was to
relieve the pressure on her brain by drilling a dime-size hole in her skull. Doctors refused to do it, so Perry did it herself. She stood in front of a mirror, made an incision in her scalp, and drilled. There was no damage (although she was a few millimeters away from piercing her brain) and, according to Perry, her exhaustion is now gone.

  • Peter Halvorson and William Lyons of Utah both received trepanning surgeries and touted the benefits of the cranial pressure-relieving procedure on the Internet. Despite the fact that neither man was a licensed physician, a British woman so believed in the surgery that in 2002 she hired them to drill a hole in her head and increase her “brain blood volume.” The patient survived, but Halvorson and Lyons were arrested and convicted of practicing medicine without a license. (They received three years probation.)

  • In 1995 Jenny Gathorne-Hardy of London read an article about trepanning and was intrigued by the claim that a skull hole could enhance brain function by increasing blood flow. So she put a local anesthetic on the side of her head and drilled a hole. Gathorne-Hardy later told reporters that she feels “calmer, and that the mental exhaustion I became so used to has gone.”

  • In the mid-1960s, English painter Joey Mellen wanted a hole drilled in his head, believing it would get him “permanently high.” His girlfriend, Amanda Feilding, had successfully trepanned herself (and experienced euphoric highs), but it took a bit more work to accomplish Mellen’s goal. Feilding unsuccessfully drilled his head once; the hole wasn’t deep enough. Then Feilding took over. She botched the second attempt and Mellen lost a lot of blood—enough to require medical attention. But that didn’t stop him. After recovering in a hospital (under psychiatric watch), Mellen went home and drilled the hole himself. When he heard what he later called “an ominous sounding ‘schlurp’ and the sound of bubbling,”—he knew he’d successfully bored through his skull (but unsuccessfully drilled into his own brain).