Look Both Ways

by Joan Early

  “My little girl has fallen for a preacher man,” her mother declared. “That’s the best surprise I’ve had in years. I trust you completely, but I was a bit worried that some pretty boy would sweep you off your feet. I imagined having to take your father’s gun and run the snake out of town, but you’ve just shocked me beyond belief.”

  “Don’t, Mother. I’m torn enough as it is. I want this to work, but the memory of my first mistake makes me want to end our relationship right now. Suppose I had fallen under Stan’s spell to the point where I wouldn’t have reacted when he slapped me? Can you imagine what kind of life I would have had?”

  “Susan, Susan, Susan. You’re fretting over nothing. I’ll be willing to bet money that no matter how taken you are with Willard Cartwright, if he so much as steps on your toe, you’ll have a six-shooter in your hand and murder in your eyes. I raised you to have self-respect, and to the best of my knowledge you’ve never let me down. Go on to Atlanta. Enjoy yourself.”

  Her father put in his piece. “What’s so special about this preacher? Your mother says he’s good-looking. Don’t let that fool you.”

  “You know me better than that, Daddy. It’s more than just his looks. He’s strong yet gentle. He’s attentive, dynamic even. I’m comfortable with him. I find it so strange that I can be comfortable and excited at the same time. He talks. He listens. I trust him. We haven’t known each other long, but I feel that we’ve shared so much. I even told him about Uncle Ollie.”

  “What about Oliver?” Tammy asked.

  “It’s something I’ve never told even the two of you. He tried to…to touch me inappropriately. I was around eleven or twelve.”

  “What!” Ralph shouted. “Why didn’t you tell me this, Susan? I would have kicked Oliver’s old ass all the way across Ohio.”

  “That’s what I told Uncle Ollie. Talking with Will led me to reflect on everything in my past, my childhood in particular. All those experiences together have made me the person I am today. Having two strong parents made me confident and forceful enough to protect myself. I told Uncle Ollie that if he touched me my dad would break his neck. I feel that same kind of protection with Will. I guess he reminds me of you, Daddy.”

  “Can’t argue with that,” Tammy said.

  “I understand, but I still want you to be careful.”

  “I’ve given myself that same advice.” She placed her hand over her heart. “I just don’t know how to stop myself from falling in love.”

  * * *

  Susan went to work Friday morning planning to leave at noon. Will said he would pick her up at one o’clock. As the minutes ticked away, her apprehension grew. She finally went to Angie for a pep talk.

  “I’m so excited. I don’t know how I’ll react if this weekend is a disappointment. I think I’m in love with him.”

  “And what’s wrong with that? You’re beginning to sound like those new age women who complain because they’re educated and self-sufficient but still can’t find a good man. I don’t think most of them have any concept of what a good man is all about. They find reasons to shy away from the decent men. As they age and start thinking they’ll never find anyone, they run out and drag home some dope user and try to turn him into their dream man.”

  “Gee, Angie, don’t try to cheer me up.”

  “No, you just listen to me. You like Travis as a friend, but he’s not the right man for you. No bells ring. Then you meet this Adonis and you get uptight because he’s a preacher and because you think you might fall too hard and lose control. I don’t think you got to the top floor of Sealand’s office building by being afraid. Loosen up and give the relationship a chance. If you don’t, you’ll end up in one of those Prozac trances like a lot of other women I know.”

  Susan thanked Angie and then returned to her office. Travis was waiting.

  “I thought you had gone until I saw that your door was still open. Are you driving or flying?”

  “Flying. I’m leaving in a few minutes. I have to go home first.”

  “Well, I hope you have a great time. I just wish we were going together, then I know I’d have a good time.”

  The heat of his stare burned into her skin. Why didn’t I see this coming?

  “Isn’t this your weekend with your kids?” she asked. “You and I never do things together on those weekends.”

  “Does that bother you?”

  “Of course not. Your time with them is limited. I wouldn’t be bothered even if we were in a relationship.” She kept the conversation light, refusing to let him impose his misery on her.

  “You guys do something fun this weekend. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”

  He met her smile with a frown, but she remained firm.

  “I have to take care of two things before I leave, so I’d better get to it.”

  “Okay. Have fun.”

  She wondered why it was so hard to have friendly relationships with members of the opposite sex. She returned two phone calls to branch managers and then called to thank Angie for her advice. She drove home, checked the timers on her interior lights, and waited for Will. She also had a pep talk with her conscience. A man offered his friendship and I accepted. There’s no reason for me to feel guilty.

  The doorbell rang and she walked into the warmth of Will’s outstretched arms.

  “Thank you for making this an exciting trip,” he whispered.

  “And how do you know it will be exciting? We haven’t left Houston yet.”

  “Because each second I’m with you is more exciting than the last. Just knowing we’d be together has kept me on a natural high. Auntie asked if I’d been drinking.”

  After they were settled in their first class seats, he ordered a glass of white wine and she ordered a Coke. When the drinks arrived, he switched. “I knew you wanted wine,” he said. “Please don’t feel that you have to change your habits for me. That would make me very uncomfortable. In fact, I would have ordered wine, but I took a decongestant before leaving home and I don’t tolerate the mixture very well.”

  She was not sure whether he was trying to accommodate her, but she liked what he said about not changing her habits. After he checked in at the hotel, he gave her a key to her room. It was separated from his by a nicely appointed living room. She was as impressed by the luxury as she was with the man who was going out of his way to make her feel at ease.

  Having little time to spare before the evening event, she showered and dressed right away. Angie had suggested she wear the slate-blue cocktail dress she had purchased during one of their outings. The neckline was high and the back was cut low. In addition to black and beige, she had evening shoes in silver, gold, and different metallic patinas in her wardrobe. She and Angie had agreed that silver best complimented the dress.

  She checked the mirror one last time before going into the living room. Will was waiting by the bar.

  “I hope you don’t think I’m being silly, but I have to say that I’ve never seen anyone who could make clothes look so good.”

  She smiled, and he frowned.

  “You’re usually a virtual chatterbox when we’re together. You have been quiet and reserved today, especially in the cab. Do you regret accepting my invitation? Have I said or done something to offend you?”

  “No, of course not. I’m sorry if I haven’t been good company. I enjoy being with you but I’m just not sure…okay, here goes. I love being with you. I guess this whole weekend thing and your profession have made me a little nervous. I’m attending a function with a bunch of ministers. I don’t want to say or do anything to embarrass you.”

  “Susan, I’m a minister by profession, but I’m still very much a man.” He looped her arm around his. “I promise not to make you do penance for having human traits.”

  They were at the reception for four hours before he was able to break free.

  “Are you tired?” he asked when they were on the elevator.

  “Not really,” she answered. “I enjoyed the dancing.
I can’t recall a gathering of African-Americans that didn’t involve that Harlem shuffle. A woman with an extra large caboose and gigantic feet kept stepping on my toe. Damn, that hurt.” She clamped her hand over her mouth as he unlocked the door. “Oops.”

  “Stop that,” he laughed. “You’re allowed to say damn in my presence anytime. I’m thirsty. What about you?”

  “Ditto. Perrier is fine. Is there any foot soak in that mini-bar?” She kicked off her shoes and sat on the sofa.

  “No, but I’ll be happy to rub your feet.” He unscrewed the cap and handed her the bottle and a glass. “Give me a minute to shed this coat and tie.”

  She went into the bedroom and put on her slippers. She finished the bottle of water and recalled Will saying that he enjoyed a good brandy after dinner. She took two bottles from the mini-bar, rinsed two glasses, and waited.

  * * *

  Will sat on the edge of the bed, deep in thought. After being alone for so long, he had found the perfect woman. One look at her and he went limp in both knees. Now, all he had to do was find the right words to express his feelings without sounding like a tongue-tied adolescent. His biggest fear was that she would freeze him out. If that happened, he knew it would be hard for him to find the courage and the time to begin another relationship. And he knew he would never find anyone as beguiling as Susan.

  He kept telling himself that she must have felt something or she wouldn’t have come on the trip but found it hard to believe that she felt as strongly as he did. He never believed in love at first sight, but she had become imbedded in his heart the second he walked into her office. She was intriguing in a wholesome but wickedly sexual way. He knew when their lips met for the first time that he would never be whole outside that kiss. When they were together, he didn’t want to be anywhere else. His eyes followed her. He was afraid to blink for fear of missing a second of her wholesome charm.

  The pain of losing his wife and son was lodged in his heart like fishhooks under the skin. The more he tugged, the more intense the pain became, but Susan had a zest for life that could help him outdistance the bad memories.

  He decided to go out and face her, hoping the right words would come.

  * * *

  Susan was about to knock on Will’s door when he reappeared.

  “I remembered you liked brandy after dinner.” She offered him the glass and saw that his brow was furrowed.

  “Will, is something wrong?” she asked, feeling more tension between them than she had felt the first time they met.

  He half smiled and kept his eyes averted. “No, nothing is wrong.” His smile broadened. “Nothing at all.”

  He settled on the sofa next to her. “You haven’t said anything about your job lately. How are things going?”

  Having promised herself not to talk about Cedargrove Heights, she focused on a positive aspect of her work.

  “I’m packaging a proposal to snare a large loan commitment for Sealand. It’s one of those participations aimed at assisting low-income homebuyers in the inner city. Federal funds are included. The overall project is designed to promote pride in ownership, replace some of the dilapidated complexes with single-family dwellings, and remove eyesores from the fringes of downtown.”

  “That’s great. Is this aimed at a specific area of downtown?”

  It was difficult reading his thoughts. He still seemed preoccupied. She took that to mean his thoughts were serious. She didn’t want to talk about her work or his. She wanted to talk about their relationship.

  “I’m sure some perimeters have been established, but we haven’t gotten that far into the negotiations. I’ve offered my proposal, so the only thing I can do now is wait. I probably shouldn’t say anything to jinx it, but if Sealand wins the bid, I’ll make sure Cedargrove Heights gets a share of the funds.”

  “Can you do that?” Seeing her frown, he quickly clarified his question. “I’m not questioning your authority or anything like that. I just thought…”

  A smile tiptoed around her lips.

  “You’re playing with me, aren’t you? That’s okay. I deserve it.”

  She laughed and took his hand. “I guess we both feel a certain amount of eggshells under our feet when we’re together. I understood what you meant. The program would be administered under firm guidelines, but I don’t see why they wouldn’t approve some or all of the monies going to an old, established neighborhood with room for growth.”

  “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I can’t wait to tell the others.”

  “Don’t tell them yet. I wouldn’t want Deacon Roosevelt Jones condemning my soul to hell for misrepresentation. He’s one scary old dude.”

  They both laughed, and he tightened his grip on her hand.

  “I’m so glad you’re getting settled in your new position. I admire you, Susan.”

  They looked into each other’s eyes. He started to bend toward her, but abruptly moved back.

  “Is Houston starting to feel like home yet? I’m sure you miss your family.”

  She was hoping he could see her need, but she answered his questions and they chatted about Houston’s sports teams, city growth, and religion. She let him do most of the talking, especially about religion. But her heart was crying out; she hoped he would hear.

  “It’s getting late. I’d better get to bed. I have a breakfast at seven-thirty. What are you going to do tomorrow?”

  What she wanted to do tonight was more to the point, she thought. “Oh, I’ll just browse around, go to the mall. I have to update my entire wardrobe to adjust to the Houston heat. I may also spend some time here in the spa.”

  He stood as she gathered the empty bottles and glasses from the table. “I probably shouldn’t have invited you on this trip, since I’ll be tied up for most of the day. If there’s something you’d like to do, I can always slip out early.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’m glad you invited me. I needed a break from…everything.” She smiled and waved her hands.

  “This is my treat, so whatever you want to do—spa, beauty salon, not that you need any beauty enhancement—just charge it to the room.”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m not someone who needs constant attention. Go to your meeting and enjoy your day. I’m glad you invited me along.”

  “So am I, and I hope you have a good night’s sleep.” He kissed her lightly on the cheek, but she wouldn’t let go of his arm.

  Standing on her toes, she tilted her head back, her eyes heavy with desire. “Will I have to do penance if I ask for a real kiss?”

  His mouth came down softly on her parted lips and lingered until she tightened her grip on his arm. He seemed to read her silent expectations. His kiss became urgent and fiery. When he moved away, her entire body was hot and needy. She leaned against him and he traced her mouth with his tongue.

  His lips devoured hers. His tongue explored the recesses of her mouth. He raised his mouth from her and silently gazed into her eyes before brushing his lips against her face. Breathing an intoxicated sigh, she loosened her grip and he took her face in his hands.

  “You won’t have to do penance, but I will unless we stop right now.”

  They said goodnight, she turned off the lights and went into her bedroom. Throwing the pillows from the bed was not enough to vent her frustrations. She thought of Travis, putting his feeling out there, even offering marriage. Why couldn’t Will tell her how he felt? He might as well have. She read it on his face and felt the pressure of his arousal. She turned out the lights and listened to the stillness. In the midst of her torture, she vowed she would learn Will’s true feelings for her before the weekend was over, even if she had to ask.

  CHAPTER 6

  The next morning, Susan found Will gone and a note on top of the ice bucket telling her that his meeting should conclude by four o’clock and that he would miss her. She checked her cell phone, and found a message from Travis.

  “I didn’t express myself very well yesterday, so I�
�ll try once again. I’m madly in love with you. I want to marry you, not so we can be intimate, but because I want you in my life forever. I love, respect, and admire you. I want to hold you in my arms and make love to you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life. As far as work goes, you and I aren’t competing. I respect your position as much as I respect you as a woman. Think about it, Susan.”

  She felt close to tears. It wasn’t that she didn’t find him attractive. If she had been the kind of woman to give in to sexual urges, she would have pulled him up to her bedroom that first night, but that was not her way. She had to make Travis understand. She had been honest with him. Knowing that did not lessen her guilt, but it did make her determined to end the game she and Will had been playing. It would be much simpler if he weren’t a minister.

  She had seen pure lust on his face. His self-control made her respect him even more. She knew he had dated since his divorce, remembered Angie describing two short-lived relationships, and wondered if he was against premarital sex. If he was, she felt their relationship would soon fizzle. She was not strong enough to hold out. She also had no intentions of rushing into marriage as Travis had proposed.

  Not wanting to spend the day lounging around, she dressed and took the hotel shuttle to the shopping mall. There was nothing she wanted to buy except the gift she wanted to get for Will. The night before he mentioned that he had forgotten his cufflinks for the formal dinner. She found a pair that she thought he would like. They were gold and in the shape of clasped, praying hands.

  After buying a few intimate items and three lightweight blouses for herself, she browsed through some of the more exclusive shops in both Lenox Square and Phipps Plaza. Her only great find was a CD by an old college friend that she dug from a 60 percent off bin in one of the music stores. It was still too early to return to the hotel, so she took a cab to Peoples Street. Her mother had suggested she view the art collection at Hammonds House Galleries. She purchased a large painting entitled “Rush to Freedom” for her parents. The offer of reduced shipping rates prompted the purchase of a small, unframed print for her apartment. She took a cab back to the hotel.