Look Both Ways

by Joan Early

  “Go on in, dear. He’s waiting for you. He refused to take a pain pill so he could be alert when you arrived, so would you please see that he takes one? Jerome is napping upstairs. The rest of the family already went to the church for watch night. We’ll be back a little after midnight.” She took Susan into her embrace. “I hope you’re still here when we get back.”

  “Enjoy watch night. I’ll be here.” She smiled and hurried to Will’s bedroom. He was lying against a stack of pillows, watching television. Clean-shaven and alert, he looked as he did before the accident.

  “Hi, handsome. You look terrific.”

  “No, I don’t. I’m just a great big blob sitting around waiting for the woman he loves.” He opened his arms. “You look marvelous, but you always do.”

  They kissed and she settled into his arms.

  “I see that little smile or smirk, I’m not sure which, on your face, Rev. Cartwright. Something is up, isn’t it?”

  “And you have a suspicious nature, Miss Cross.” His smile grew wider.

  She sat next to him and ran her hand down his chest and up his ribs. “I noticed something when we were dancing in Atlanta. You’re very ticklish.” She pressed her fingers against his side. “Now, either you tell me what’s going on, or I’ll tickle you silly.”

  She poked him lightly and received a hearty laugh.

  “You wouldn’t do that to a sick man, would you?”

  “If the sick man is holding out on me, you bet I would. Tell, or I’ll tickle.” She poised her fingers near his side.

  “Okay, but I have to be sitting up for this, so move your beautiful body.”

  She held his hand and helped him push against the pillows. “Talk.”

  “The accident was terrifying, but there’s something I need to tell you.” His smile disappeared. “I heard you, Susan.”

  “W-what?”

  “During the time I was out, there were things…sounds, voices mostly, and flickers of light. I heard your voice. I knew I wasn’t physically moving, but in my mind I was running, following your voice, trying to find you. I heard the sound of movement around me almost constantly, waves of sound. I heard doors open and close, saw the light brighten and dim, but your voice was the only thing I recognized.”

  “You actually heard me?”

  “My mother says it was your voice that brought me back. I can’t substantiate that, but I can tell you that as I lay there in the darkness, I heard you speaking to me and I tried to answer. I heard you say you loved me.”

  She looked at him through misty eyes. “I love you with all my heart.”

  “Susan, I don’t know how complete my recovery will be. I do have feeling in my limbs. The doctor spent a long time examining me this morning. He seemed satisfied with my progress, but I still don’t know the outcome. What I’m trying to say is that through some higher power, I’ve found the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t ever want to lose you again. Will you marry me, Susan? Can you take this broken and battered shell of a man into your heart?”

  She looked into the eyes that had evoked fiery anger and blinding desire. Touching her lips to his face, she whispered, “You’re already in my heart, and you always will be. Yes, I’ll marry you. Today, if you want.”

  “I’m all for that, but we don’t want to break Angie’s heart.” He took her left hand. “If you don’t like this, you can choose another one.”

  “My God. I don’t like it; I love it. It’s breathtaking…and huge. There’s no need to spend a lot of money on a ring. Simple bands are just fine.”

  He kissed the tips of her fingers. “I asked my friend Saul to bring over everything he had befitting a princess, because that’s what you are. Auntie is the only one who saw it. She helped me pick it out.”

  He coughed and winced in pain.

  “I’m getting your pain pill. Your mom said you didn’t take one.”

  She brought the pill and a glass of water. “Take the pill and lie back a little. I know coughing must hurt, but it will help if you take this pillow and press it against your ribs.”

  “You’re a good nurse.” He stared at her and shook his head. “I love you more than I can say. My whole family loves you. Mama says she has another daughter, whether we get married or not. Dad said I’d better not do anything to drive you away, and Uncle Chitty said if I didn’t marry you, he would.”

  “I love you. I love the ring. I just want you to get better. And by the way, we’ll have to have a long talk about Uncle Chitty one of these days.” She kissed her forehead. “Lie back and relax. Don’t tire yourself.”

  “Whatever you say. You’re in control.”

  “Hey, you two,” Jerome called from the doorway, “are you engaged yet?”

  “Yes, we are.” Susan held out her hand. “I’m the luckiest woman in the world.”

  “And I know the two of you will be happy together.” He hugged Susan and took Will’s hand. “Congratulations, man. I need to run to the house for a few minutes. Can I do anything before I leave?”

  Jerome helped Will to the bathroom. Susan fluffed the pillows and straightened the bedcovers.

  “Think you can keep him in line until I get back?” Jerome asked as he helped Will back into bed.

  “I think I can.” Susan arranged the pillows around him. “Take your time.”

  She closed the bedroom door. “I think he’s giving us a little privacy.” She grinned, seductively, and sat next to him. “I know we’ll have a lifetime to be together, but I don’t want to waste one second.”

  She kissed him softly, enjoying his closeness and the taste of his mouth. He deepened the kiss.

  “Keep that up and you’ll get in trouble.”

  “I think a few of my parts still work, Miss Cross. I’m just not sure how rewarding it would be for you.”

  “I want you more than I can say. I just didn’t want to cause you more pain.”

  “I’m hurting pretty bad right now, and you’re the only one who can make it stop.”

  The lust she heard in his voice stoked the already raging fire inside her. “I’ll be gentle.”

  Fighting to keep her urges under control, she unbuttoned his pajamas, stopping to taste and tease. He groaned her name, and she kissed him before removing her blouse and pants and hovered over him. “I hope no one comes home because I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to. I love you so much. I’m so thankful you came back to me.”

  She knew he was everything she wanted in a man, a husband, and a lover. Control took on a new meaning. Her movements became more intense, but she stopped abruptly when he groaned.

  “Am I hurting you?”

  “No, no, baby. You’re making me feel better than I have since the last time we were together. Please don’t stop.”

  They rang in the New Year with a toast of ginger ale and a promise to never allow anything or anyone to separate them. The family returned and they celebrated. Susan thanked Mrs. Whitehead for helping pick out the ring and accepted the family’s open arms. Her love for Will had brought another family into her life. Susan felt doubly blessed.

  CHAPTER 12

  Susan received a convincingly sincere congratulation from Travis when he saw the ring on her finger. Angie coordinated the wedding details with Tammy and Barbara through phone calls and e-mails, but Will didn’t want to set a date until he received a firm prognosis on his recovery. He did show Susan photographs of his house in the hill country, and they decided to honeymoon there.

  His pain worsened and he was readmitted to the hospital on the twelfth of January, with Susan at his side. She sat with the family and prayed until a team of doctors joined them in the waiting room. Susan read the grim prediction on their faces.

  When surgery was announced to relieve pressure on Will’s spine, she felt a fist squeezing her heart. The surgeon explained the involved process while advising that the procedure was not very invasive, but required expert precision. Everyone held hands, and Rev. Cartwright led them in prayer. Su
san prayed hard. There are few more deserving men than Will Cartwright in this world. God, please let him walk.

  Susan’s heart cried out when she saw him on the gurney, dazed but trying to smile. She kissed his cheek. “I love you, baby. I love you so much. Now, hurry up and get this over with. We’ve got a wedding to plan.”

  Susan sat with Mrs. Cartwright and the rest of the family, barely speaking during the three-hour wait. The procedure went well according to Will’s physician, but a wait-and-see was the only prognosis they were given. Mrs. Cartwright was steadfast at her husband’s side. Terri and Jean consoled each other, and Mrs. Whitehead stayed close to Susan.

  When one visitor was allowed in recovery, Mrs. Cartwright insisted on brief visits from everyone except Susan. “Stay with him as long as you can. You brought him back once,” she said. “He still needs you.”

  Susan sat next to the bed and held his hand. She spoke lovingly when he was awake and prayed each time he closed his eyes. “I’ll be with you forever, no matter what. I love you.”

  Mrs. Whitehead came in just before midnight and laid a reassuring hand on Susan’s shoulder. “Jean and I will stay until tomorrow. Go home, dear. You need to rest and stay strong.”

  Sleep was a few restless dozes for Susan, and ended with an early-morning phone call from Jean.

  “He’s awake, but still groggy, so don’t rush to get here,” she told Susan. “The doctors seem hopeful, so just pray they’re right.”

  Susan didn’t wait for lunchtime to visit, but took off after the staff meeting. She had called ahead for a very capable florist at The Empty Vase to prepare an arrangement of white calla lilies. With an armload of flowers and a fearful heart, she hurried to the hospital. There was no one in the waiting area so she pushed against the door and knocked, but there was no answer.

  “Will?”

  He was lying on one arm, facing the wall. His other arm was draped across his face. She could tell by his breathing that he was not asleep. After placing the vase on the nightstand, she went to the bed and poked her finger under his arm.

  “Wake up, sleepyhead.”

  His arm came down and pushed her hand away.

  “Will?” A wave of fright washed over her. “Will, is something wrong?”

  She waited for what seemed like an eternity before he turned over, and when he did, his stare was much like it had been when he was comatose, except she knew he was fully conscious.

  “What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Can I get a nurse? Doctor?”

  “The doctor just left,” he muttered.

  She asked, but was afraid to hear the answer. “What did he say?”

  “He said I’ll be released soon.” His face was ashen, his expression angry. “Any day now, you can just come in and wheel me out.”

  “Will, you’re scaring me. Tell me what the doctor said.”

  “Just that. I can go home very soon and spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.”

  Susan’s heart dropped. “I’m sure the doctor will prescribe physical therapy. You’ll be walking in no time.”

  She bent to kiss his forehead. He pushed her away.

  “Sweetheart, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but you’re not in pain, and that’s a great start. We knew there could be complications.”

  When he didn’t speak, she tried to sound cheery. “I love you so much. I’ll be with you every second. I’ll take a leave of absence from Sealand. I think they can survive without me for awhile.”

  She tried to lay her head on his chest, and again, he pushed her away.

  “I’m so sorry, Will, but you can’t let this get you down. We sat here for weeks, wondering if you would live. You’re very much alive. We’ll get through this together. Please don’t push me away.”

  “I’m doing you a favor. You’re a young, vital woman. Why would you want to be tied down to a cripple? Go on.” He motioned with his hand. “Run for your life.”

  “Okay, now you’re talking nonsense. We’ll leave this hospital together and we’ll be married as soon as possible. I prayed hard for God to bring you back to me, and He did. I prayed for you to recover from surgery, and you have. The fact that your legs don’t work doesn’t make me love you any less.”

  “Maybe you should have amended that prayer and asked God to bring me back whole. I can’t drag you into this, Susan. I won’t. What kind of life would we have? I’ll join Dad in front of the television and you can watch with the rest of the family. Two cripples, just—”

  “Stop it! I can’t believe you’re reacting this way. Where is your faith in God and in me? I love you.”

  “Sure, now you do, but what happens when your friends are out dancing and you’re babysitting your husband? How will you see me then? You’ll hate me, Susan. You’ll hate me, and I’ll hate myself. You and I just weren’t meant to be.”

  Shocked, she stood and walked to the window. “I swore I would never leave you, and I meant it. I can also see into the future, and I see the two of us married and very happy together.”

  “Then you must be still playing that game Angie made up, because it would never be that way. I can’t marry you, Susan, and I think it’s best if you leave and don’t come back.”

  “You don’t mean that.” She watched his disgust through the water welling in her eyes. “I won’t stop loving you because you can’t walk. I won’t stop loving you—ever.”

  “Quit trying to be noble. It doesn’t become you.” His voice was hard, cold, frightening. “I’ll say it again. Please leave.”

  Frozen in disbelief, she finally stood and stared.

  “See, it’s started already. Let’s feel sorry for the poor cripple. Well, I don’t need your pity, so leave. Please.”

  Susan saw traces of tears in his eyes just before he turned his back. She clutched her purse and stumbled from the room. Jean, Terri, and Mrs. Whitehead got off the elevator, chatting gaily—until they say her face.

  “Susan?” Terri reached her first. “What’s wrong? What…something happened to Willie.”

  Terri and Jean ran into the room and hurried back to where Susan and Mrs. Whitehead stood, clinging to each other.

  “Willie wouldn’t talk to us,” Jean said. “Tell us what’s going on, Susan.”

  “He can’t walk,” she answered. “He thinks he never will, so he asked me to leave.”

  “Oh, God.” Mrs. Whitehead gasped. “Come on over here.” She guided Susan to a chair.

  Jean went into Will’s room, returned shortly, and placed her hand on Susan’s shoulder. “He says he can’t marry you as long as he’s in this condition, but he doesn’t mean it. Just give him time.”

  “And what am I supposed to do? He doesn’t want me here.”

  She hurried into the elevator, dazed and heartbroken. Mrs. Whitehead and Mrs. Cartwright called her later, but Will had not rescinded his rejection. Susan went back early the following morning. Mrs. Cartwright met her in the hallway.

  “I’m so sorry, Susan. He asked me not to let you come in the room. I know he doesn’t mean it, but he’s a proud man. This whole thing is too much for him right now. Just have patience. The doctor will be in shortly. Let’s pray there’s a positive change.”

  Susan started to leave but stopped when she saw Tracey coming out of Will’s room. “Okay, it’s my turn to ask questions. What’s going on here? He doesn’t want to see me, but she’s welcome?”

  “I’m sorry, honey.” Mrs. Cartwright shook her head. “She was here when I arrived, sitting there talking to him about some stupid deal she’s working on.”

  “Okay, I guess that says it all.” Susan went back to the office and into Angie’s arms.

  “I can’t take it anymore. This yo-yo relationship, worrying myself sick over his condition. It’s making me crazy, Angie.”

  She called Mrs. Cartwright’s cellphone at lunchtime, but Will had not changed his mind. Feeling worse than she had when he was comatose, Susan went to the hospital after work. Rev. Cartwright was with Will.


  “Can I come in?”

  Will turned away. “No. I’ve asked you not to come here. Just let it go, Susan. I’m not the man for you. I’m a cripple with little hope of change. Go back to Marc. The two of you looked quite handsome together.”

  “That’s not fair, Will. I love you. I want to be with you.”

  “I don’t want you here. You’re just making this worse for yourself and for me. Go on with your life. Pretend we never met.”

  Susan went home but could not sleep. Staring at the mirror, she saw the toll pain and anxiety had taken on her face. Her eyes sagged, and the corners of her mouth seemed permanently downcast. Nothing appeared real. The weeks leading up to now seemed like a dream, or a very sad movie.

  She avoided talking about her feelings, even with her mother. There was nothing left to say. Hours ticked by the next day. Realizing everyone had gone but the cleaning crew, Susan rested her head on the desk and tried to block away the love, the disappointment, and the pain. The message light on her phone was blinking when she got home, and the clock read 8:35.

  She sprawled across the bed, wounded and drained. No longer able to ignore the ringing telephone, she picked up the cordless and mumbled hello.

  “Susan? I know you’re not asleep this early,” Tammy said. “Did you just leave the hospital?”

  “No, I’m just very tired, Mom. This running back and forth is catching up with me. Can I call you tomorrow?”

  She had barely hung up when the calls began. Mrs. Whitehead and Mrs. Cartwright, both saying Willie was in shock and not himself. Angie called, and then Terri with the same message. Their words did little to soothe the pain. She had endured too much heartache during her relationship with Will. She was through.

  Angie was waiting at her office door the next morning. “I couldn’t sleep last night, and I know you didn’t. I hate to say this, but this little merry-go-round has to stop. You look drained.”

  “I am drained.” She removed the ring from her finger. “Can I ask you to take this to Mrs. Cartwright, Mrs. Whitehead, anyone in the family?”

  “No, you can’t return this ring. He’ll snap out of it. I know he will.”