The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

‘That’s enough nonsense, girls. You’d be much better off spending your time on things that matter, like equality and human rights, rather than the colour of lipstick,’ Olivia said.

  Penny and Poppy rolled their eyes.

  ‘If we went on about what you go on about we’d have no friends. It’s boring, Mum,’ Penny told her.

  ‘Boring and depressing,’ Poppy added.

  ‘Maybe we could ask Gavin and Roger to be our pretend boyfriends,’ Penny said.

  ‘Ewww, Roger has zits, no way,’ Poppy said.

  ‘Oh, yeah, good point.’

  Seamus stood up and began clearing the plates. ‘Enough of this nonsense. What the two of you need is to go running about in the fresh air. I’m signing you up for the athletics club tomorrow morning.’

  The twins jumped up and shouted at him.

  ‘Dad’s right.’ Olivia scraped a plate and stacked it in the dishwasher. ‘You need a proper focus. You’re becoming vacuous.’

  ‘I don’t know what that means,’ Penny said.

  ‘It’s probably some weird feminist thing to do with vaginas,’ Poppy huffed.

  Luke leant in to whisper in Piper’s ear, ‘Your family talk a lot about vaginas.’

  Piper grinned. ‘Not normally. I’m sorry about this. I told you the twins were mad.’

  ‘Speaking of vaginas, any chance I could see yours later?’ Luke said, very quietly, into her ear.

  Piper giggled. ‘Maybe.’

  Luke squeezed her hand under the table. Piper felt that tonight was the best time to tell him. He was in a good mood. After dessert, they’d go for a walk and she’d tell him then.

  When dinner was over and Luke had thanked Olivia and Seamus profusely, Piper suggested a walk.

  ‘Couldn’t we just go up to your bedroom and have silent sex?’ he muttered into her hair.

  ‘Not with my parents downstairs.’

  ‘Okay. Well, come back to my place, then. Mum will be at the hospital and Granddad will be working.’

  ‘Can we go for a walk first? I want to talk to you about something.’

  Luke shrugged. ‘Okay, babe. You look serious – you’re not going to dump me, are you?’ He grinned, but she could see fear in his eyes.

  She hugged him tight. ‘Never. I love you.’

  She felt his body relax into her. ‘I love you too.’

  They kissed, but just then Luke’s phone buzzed in his coat pocket. He pulled it out. Since Jess had been sick he no longer ignored any calls – just in case.

  ‘Mum?’

  Piper could hear Kate’s voice. She sounded excited. ‘Hi, Luke, can you come home straight away? Maggie’s here! She’s dying to see you all.’

  ‘Sure. I’m on my way.’

  Luke hung up and turned to Piper. ‘My mum’s best friend Maggie’s in Dublin. I have to go. Sorry. Call you later.’

  Piper watched him stride down the path.

  He turned. ‘What was it you wanted to talk about?’

  She waved her hand. ‘Nothing. Don’t worry.’

  ‘Call you later.’

  Piper closed the door. She leant against it and sighed. Another opportunity missed. Tears prickled her eyes. Damn it. At this rate she’d be giving birth before he knew.

  18

  When Kate answered the door, she wasn’t expecting to see her best friend standing there. Maggie hadn’t said a word about coming over to visit. Kate had thought she was in Dubai at a trade fair, so when the bell rang and she was greeted by the smiling face of her oldest friend, she crumbled. All pretence of bravery left her. She fell into her friend’s arms and sobbed.

  ‘Oh, Kate, you poor, poor thing,’ Maggie said softly, stroking her hair. ‘What a bloody awful time you’re having. I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner.’

  Kate took a deep breath and pulled back from Maggie’s soft cashmere-covered shoulder. ‘Sorry. Long few weeks.’

  ‘Long few sodding years.’

  Kate wiped her eyes with a tissue. She always had tissues in her pockets, these days. Crying was a daily, if not hourly, occurrence now.

  ‘Right, let’s get inside and crack open a bottle of vodka. I stocked up in Duty Free.’ Maggie gathered up her bags and suitcase and followed Kate inside. ‘This kitchen always brings me back to our childhood,’ she said, glancing around. ‘The amount of time we spent in here drinking coffee and smoking out of the window.’

  Kate smiled. ‘It’s strange being back home, but nice too. Especially now. Dad’s such a brilliant support.’

  ‘Sure George was always great.’ Maggie pulled the bottle of vodka from one of her bags. ‘Right, let’s get stuck in. I have tonic here too. We just need ice.’

  Kate went to the freezer, took out an ice tray and plonked two cubes in each glass. Maggie poured the vodka.

  ‘Jesus, Maggie, go easy! We’ll be hammered after one glass.’

  ‘You need it. It’s medicinal.’ Maggie shrugged off her coat. ‘Cheers.’ She raised her glass. ‘To you, Kate, to the future being bright, and most of all to Jess getting better.’

  Kate swallowed the lump in her throat and drank deeply. The vodka went straight to her toes. Oh, it was a lovely feeling. Apart from the odd glass of wine, she’d been steering clear of alcohol. She was afraid of the effects. She knew if she started drinking, she might never stop. Part of her wanted oblivion. Part of her wanted to disappear into a bottle of booze and block out all the worry and heartache, but she knew she had to be clear-headed and together for Jess, and for Luke and Bobby.

  But tonight she’d allow herself to enjoy a few drinks. Maggie leant over and held her hand. ‘Tomorrow, you and I are going to a fancy hotel and spa. My treat. We’re going to get dressed up and go dancing.’

  Kate put down her glass. ‘I can’t, Maggie. I have to be with Jess.’

  ‘It’s all sorted. George is going to look after her and he’s getting Luke and his girlfriend to help out as well. It’s one night, Kate. Give yourself a break.’

  Kate picked up her glass and clinked Maggie’s. ‘Actually, that sounds wonderful.’

  George came in. ‘Ah, there she is.’ Maggie stood up and hugged him. ‘Good to see you, Maggie.’

  ‘Good to be here.’

  Kate wagged a finger at her father. ‘I hear you and Maggie have been plotting.’

  George put his hand on her shoulder. ‘You deserve a night off. Besides, no one can say no to Maggie.’

  Luke arrived.

  ‘Aaaah!’ Maggie squealed. ‘Lukey! You’re even more gorgeous than the last time, and that wasn’t long ago!’ She threw her arms around him. ‘I know teenagers hate hugs, but you have to give me one.’

  Luke laughed and hugged her back.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Bobby came into the room holding his Nintendo. ‘Why is everyone shouting?’

  Maggie bent down and kissed him. ‘Hi, Bobby.’

  ‘Yuck, Maggie! You know I hate kisses.’

  ‘Sorry, I forgot. Do you hate presents as well?’ Maggie wiped her lipstick off his cheek.

  Bobby shrugged. ‘Not really, no. In fact, I quite like them.’

  Kate watched as Maggie handed Bobby a big bag. He looked inside. ‘Wow! This is so cool.’ His beautiful brown eyes lit up, the way they hadn’t in a long time. Kate loved Maggie just a little more.

  Bobby held up a book. ‘Five Thousand Awesome Facts, cool, and …’ He looked at Kate in shock. ‘Mum, it’s the Omano OM117L monocular microscope and the OptixCam Summit Series SK2 1.3MP digital microscope camera that Santa couldn’t bring last year.’

  Kate couldn’t speak.

  Bobby, forgetting his hatred of hugging, ran to Maggie and threw his arms around her tightly. ‘Thank you.’

  Kate saw Maggie brush away a tear. ‘I’m so happy you like it. Sure a genius like you needs to be kept busy.’

  ‘Well, Maggie, you’ve outdone yourself. A book with five thousand facts for Bobby to share with us is just what we needed.’ George shook his head.

  ‘I thought of yo
u when I bought it.’ Maggie grinned. ‘Now, this is for Luke.’ She handed him a box. He opened it and a huge smile spread across his face.

  ‘You legend.’ He held up a black rugby boot.

  ‘They look great,’ Kate said.

  ‘Mum, these are the Under Armour Speedform leather boots. They’re the best.’ Luke kissed Maggie’s cheek. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I hope they fit. I asked George for your shoe size so they should be okay. Check out the back.’

  Luke’s smile widened. ‘No way!’ He turned to show Kate that his initials, LH, were on the back in gold lettering.

  ‘Amazing.’ Kate smiled and mouthed, ‘Thank you,’ to Maggie.

  ‘Now, George, don’t think I forgot about you. This is your gift.’ Maggie handed him a box wrapped in shiny red paper.

  George opened it and frowned. ‘Earphones?’

  Maggie shook her finger. ‘Not just earphones. These are noise-cancelling headphones, so when you want some peace, you just pop them on and the world will be quiet.’

  George laughed. ‘Well, now, that’s about the most perfect gift I’ve ever received.’

  ‘And for you, Kate.’ Maggie handed her a beautifully wrapped parcel. It was heavy.

  Kate opened it and under the gold wrapping paper was a box, inside which she found a bottle of pink champagne. ‘Oh, Maggie.’

  Maggie leant over and said quietly, ‘It’s to open when Jess gets the all-clear. I’ll come and share it with you.’

  Kate hugged her, willing herself not to cry. Having Maggie there made everything better, brighter and more hopeful.

  ‘Now, before I have another drink, I need to see my goddaughter.’

  Maggie drove Kate’s car to the hospital. Even after only half a drink, Kate felt a bit lightheaded.

  When they got there, Kate stopped Maggie in Reception. ‘You need to prepare yourself. She’s totally bald and she’s lost a lot of weight. She doesn’t look like the old Jess.’

  Maggie nodded. ‘Okay.’

  ‘You’ll have to be gowned, gloved and masked.’

  ‘I understand.’

  As they approached the room, Kate saw Maggie hesitate. With the mask on, her eyes looked huge, and Kate could see fear in them. ‘Deep breath and smile. Right?’

  Maggie smiled behind the mask, her eyes crinkling. ‘I’m ready.’

  Kate watched as Maggie put her shoulders back and marched into the room, exuding energy. ‘Hello, my darling girl,’ she said, throwing her arms around Jess but being gentle with the hug.

  Jess’s face lit up. ‘Maggie! I’m so happy to see you.’

  ‘Me too,’ Maggie said, and Kate noticed her friend clasp her hands together to stop them shaking.

  ‘Do I look awful?’

  ‘You’re the same beautiful Jess to me. What’s hair? It comes, it goes. Yours will grow back even thicker and more stunning. Don’t you worry. And you’re lucky because you have your mother’s beautiful brown eyes, which dazzle everyone.’

  Jess beamed.

  ‘So, this is shit.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Jess said.

  ‘But you will get out of here and live a long and amazing life. You’re a very special girl, Jess, and you’ll get better. I really believe that.’ Maggie tapped her forehead. ‘Try and be as positive as you can, it’ll help.’

  Jess nodded. ‘I’m trying.’

  Maggie patted her arm. ‘I know you are, pet. Now, in the meantime, because you’re stuck here, I’ve got you some things to make the days pass a bit quicker.’ She lifted the big bag she had brought with her and handed it to Jess.

  Jess peered in and began to pull things out. A laptop. Ten box-set series. Twenty movies. A book on mindfulness. Jo Malone creams and shower gels. A neck support. Three cashmere wraps in different colours. A Mac make-up bag filled with beauty products, and a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, just like George’s.

  ‘Maggie!’ Kate exclaimed. ‘It’s so much – too much.’

  Maggie raised her hand. ‘I’m allowed to spoil my gorgeous goddaughter and I will. Not another word out of you, Kate, or I’ll evict you from the room.’

  Jess’s eyes shone. ‘Oh, Maggie, it’s just … I don’t know what to say … Thank you. It’s so generous. I’m so happy.’

  Maggie blinked furiously. ‘Don’t say any more or you’ll set me off.’

  Jess held up her skinny arms and Maggie leant in for another hug. Kate knew she’d never forget this moment. She couldn’t have loved her best friend more.

  19

  The following day, before they set off for the hotel, Kate left long lists of instructions for everyone. She ran around packing and unpacking bags until Maggie grabbed her arm and dragged her into the waiting taxi.

  ‘I forgot to –’ Kate was trying to climb out.

  Maggie locked the door. ‘Stop, Kate. Please, stop. Sit back and breathe. It’s one night. Your dad and Luke can look after things.’

  ‘I’m just worried about –’

  ‘Everything and everyone?’

  Kate smiled. ‘Yes.’

  ‘You always were. But you need to take care of yourself, too. That’s what I’m here for. Now sit back and let me look after you.’

  They started with a glass of wine. Then Maggie took Kate to a swanky hair salon to have her hair cut, coloured and blow-dried and to have her make-up done.

  They added honey highlights to her light brown hair, cut layers into the shapeless style and a fringe, which made her look ten years younger. The make-up artist brought out her brown eyes with shadow, liner and false lashes. When the hairdresser and make-up artist had finished, and Kate looked at herself in the mirror, she began to cry.

  ‘Don’t cry, you’ll ruin your eye make-up and you look fantastic!’ Maggie said.

  ‘I can’t believe it.’ Kate sobbed. ‘I’d forgotten I could.’

  Maggie hugged her. ‘You’re stunning.’

  Then there was shopping. Maggie insisted on buying Kate a black dress that really flattered her figure. Kate tried to stop her, but Maggie was not taking no for an answer.

  Then they went back to the hotel for more drinks, lots more. As the alcohol took effect, Kate felt her whole body begin to relax. The frown line between her eyes softened and she began to smile and laugh. ‘Thank you for all of this. What a wonderful day.’ She sipped her cocktail. ‘I feel like a person again.’

  ‘I’m glad. You deserve it.’

  ‘I never thought it would be this hard,’ Kate said.

  ‘Parenting?’ Maggie asked.

  Kate nodded. ‘I love them so much and, let’s face it, they’re all I have. No career, no husband, no life, really. It’s just the kids. I’m a mum. That’s my identity. So to have Jess so sick and not be able to fix it is … Well, it makes me feel like I’ve failed her. I’ve failed in my only job, to protect her from harm.’

  ‘Kate, you can’t control cancer. No one can. Your kids are amazing and it’s ninety per cent down to your brilliant parenting. You’re a fantastic mother. You’re devoted to them. There’s nothing more you could have done or can do. You’re wearing yourself out looking after Jess. Give yourself a break.’

  Kate put down her glass. ‘I just want her to get better. I thought life was tough before this happened, but it wasn’t. Money and houses don’t matter. The only things that do are health and happiness. I really know that now. I don’t care about Nick’s affair or living with Dad. I just want Jess to be well.’

  Maggie put a hand on her friend’s arm. ‘We all do. And she will get better. She’s a fighter, just like her mum. I honestly don’t know how you do it. You manage to juggle all your kids and their needs. It must be exhausting.’

  ‘You run a successful recruitment business with twenty employees. That sounds terrifying to me. I couldn’t do it.’

  Maggie smiled. ‘Some days at work I feel as if I’m dealing with children. But I know I couldn’t be a real mother. I like my freedom too much. I guess I’m too selfish.’

  Kat
e sat up straight. ‘Don’t say that. You’re the least selfish person I know. Not having children isn’t selfish. It’s just a choice you made.’

  Maggie sighed. ‘That’s not how society sees it. Men especially are always telling me how I’ve missed out and how I’ll regret it. They’re married fathers, who are usually trying to have sex with me. What a joke! And I don’t regret it – I know full well I’d be a bad mother. I’d hate it.’

  ‘Well, you’re a brilliant “auntie”. The best. My kids adore you.’

  ‘And I love them, but after seeing them I do love to go home to my clean, tidy, quiet apartment. It’s just who I am.’

  Kate smiled at her friend.

  They were so different. The idea of going home to an empty apartment filled Kate with dread. Although the chaos at home was sometimes overwhelming, she loved it. She loved the coming and going of the kids, hearing about their day, watching their school plays, Luke’s rugby matches, Jess’s tennis games, helping them with homework, minding them, caring for them … being their mum. Well, she had loved it until Jess had got sick. Now things were out of her control and she was terrified.

  Maggie interrupted her thoughts. ‘It’s really important, when you’re dealing with so much stress, that you carve out a bit of time for yourself. If you get too run down, you won’t be able to help Jess.’

  Kate knew Maggie was being kind and considerate, but where the hell would she find time for herself? She spent most of her time in hospital, reading to Jess, holding the bowl when she threw up, cuddling her when she was upset, persuading her to eat, watching movies with her – just being with her. When she got home she had to give Bobby time: he was upset by Jess being in hospital and needed reassurance.

  Luke was the one who was missing out on her attention. She’d barely seen him lately. Thank goodness he had a nice girlfriend, whom Kate trusted. Piper wasn’t the type of girl to get Luke into trouble. She didn’t seem to be a drinker or a messer, and she was keen to go to college. She seemed to adore Luke, too, which was exactly what he needed.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Maggie said. ‘Where am I going to find the time? But you have to, Kate. Otherwise you’ll get sick yourself from exhaustion and worry. How about a yoga class once a week for an hour? Or did you ever sign up for a mindfulness class like we discussed? It’s supposed to be amazing. There must be one in the area.’