The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Kate drank more wine. ‘Actually, there’s one starting in the room upstairs from the café next week.’

  Maggie clapped her hands. ‘Perfect timing. Sign yourself up and go. It’s just one tiny hour a week. You need it.’

  She could manage one hour a week, she thought, and everyone kept telling her how brilliant mindfulness was for ‘switching off your mind’ and calming you down. She’d welcome any kind of help with her mind. It raced all day and most of the night, too. Funnily enough, the only time she felt calm was at night in hospital when things were quiet and she was holding Jess in her hospital bed, watching movies or reading to her or, if Jess was too tired, just lying there as her daughter slept in her arms. Those quiet times were when her mind briefly stopped whirring. She cherished them. With her arms around Jess, she felt as if she was protecting her a little – as if she was being a mother instead of a useless bystander, watching her child being poked and prodded and pumped full of drugs.

  Maggie nudged her. ‘Those guys over there are checking you out.’

  Kate snorted. ‘They’re obviously looking at you. I’m hardly a catch – a cash-strapped, separated mother of three, one child in hospital with leukaemia. How could they resist?’

  ‘Listen to me. Tonight you’re Kate, a gorgeous, sexy, thirty-seven-year-old woman.’

  ‘But I’m forty-two.’

  ‘Not tonight.’

  Maggie waved the two men over to join them. They sat down and introduced themselves, Henk and Ewoud. They were from Amsterdam and were in Ireland for a technology conference. Kate reckoned they were in their mid-thirties. Neither was wearing a wedding ring, and while they weren’t particularly handsome, they were attractive enough.

  Maggie bought drinks, the men bought drinks, and soon everyone was smashed, especially Kate.

  One of the men suggested they go to a club. Maggie was all for it, of course. They piled into a cab and within twenty minutes they were all dancing to Taylor Swift.

  Kate came over to Maggie. ‘Oh, my God! He just tried to kiss me!’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So I can’t do that.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Well, I … I …’

  ‘You’re single, you can do whatever the hell you want. Now will you just go for it!’ Maggie shouted in her friend’s ear.

  ‘What about Jess?’

  ‘Jess is in hospital. How is you not kissing him going to make her better?’

  Kate’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I shouldn’t be enjoying myself while she’s having a terrible time.’

  Maggie grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. ‘Jesus, Kate, it’s one lousy night. Stop feeling guilty.’

  Henk came up and pulled Kate back to dance. Maggie pushed her forward. ‘Let go, Kate, just let go.’

  Kate felt an arm land on her back. What the hell? She opened her eyes. On the floor beside her were the new black dress, her tights, shoes and bra. She slowly turned over.

  ‘Morning.’ Henk gave her a sleepy smile and his hand reached down between her legs.

  Kate leapt out of the bed. She was stark naked. Oh, God. She ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

  ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Henk called after her.

  ‘Go away. Please just go away.’

  ‘Come on, Kate, we had the great time. Let’s finish with one more sex.’

  One more sex? Oh, Jesus, she’d slept with him! Kate began to have little flashes of the previous night. Drinking, dancing, kissing and, oh, God, sex. Yes, definitely sex. She was a slut. How could she sleep with a total stranger?

  There was a knock on the bathroom door. ‘How about we shower together? We can have sex in there.’

  Kate pulled the towelling robe around her and sank down on the bathmat. ‘Please stop talking and leave.’

  ‘You were a lot of fun last night, now not so much.’

  Kate decided not to say anything. She closed her eyes as memories flooded back. She blushed as she remembered crying out when she came. It had been a long time since she’d had sex. It was good sex, great sex. But, still, how could she?

  He could have been a murderer or a weirdo or anything. And where was Maggie? Hang on, she was sharing the room with Maggie, so where was she now? Kate vaguely remembered leaving the nightclub and Maggie waving her off, telling her to have a great time. Maggie was with Henk’s friend – what was his name? Ewoud. Kate began to laugh. She and Maggie had kept saying, ‘He would. Would you?’ while falling about laughing. Henk and Ewoud had just shrugged.

  Had Maggie ended up with Ewoud in his room? Probably. She glanced around the bathroom. Her bag was there. She fished for her phone. No messages from home, good. Two from Maggie, one from last night: Hope he was worth it!!!!! Had to book another room. Ewoud not my type. Am in room 234.

  There was another from this morning at ten o’clock. What time was it? Kate looked at her phone again. Half past ten! She never slept in late. Maggie’s text said: Gone for breakfast. Call when you wake up u slut!!!

  Kate could hear Henk moving around the room and prayed he was getting dressed.

  He knocked on the bathroom door. ‘I am going now. It was a pity that you were not so nice today. I had the good time last night. Goodbye.’

  Had they used a condom? Kate thought wildly. Jesus, did I have unprotected sex? Kate opened the bathroom door and called, ‘Wait, did we … did we use protection?’

  Henk turned and nodded. ‘Yes, I did. You were not asking me to, but of course I did.’

  ‘Thank you. Thank you very much. Bye.’

  Kate shut and locked the door. Thank God for that. How could she have almost had unprotected sex with a stranger? She was a disgrace.

  Kate waited until she heard the bedroom door close, then exhaled deeply. Phew, he was gone. She texted Maggie, asking her to bring up some croissants and anything else portable from the breakfast buffet. Then she climbed into the shower and washed off Henk and the night before. She scrubbed and scrubbed. What was she like? A forty-two-year-old mother, with a sick child, out drunk, sleeping with strange men.

  Mind you, it had been a good night. It had been fun. The sex had been pretty great, from what she could remember. Was it so terrible of her to have let go? She hoped no one had seen her. Imagine if one of the other mothers in Jess’s class had spotted her falling around in the nightclub while her daughter lay in hospital. The shame! Kate closed her eyes and let the water wash away her embarrassment and her tears.

  As she was drying herself, she caught her reflection in the mirror. A middle-aged woman with a thick midriff stared back at her. Who was she kidding? No amount of haircuts and make-up could change the fact that she was average-looking, with a saggy stomach and more baggage than any man would ever want.

  Henk might have been the last man she’d have sex with in years, possibly decades, maybe ever. God, she might never have sex again. It was frightening but possible. She wasn’t like Maggie: she couldn’t just meet men and sleep with them. Well, not unless she poured eight cocktails down her neck. Could this be it? Yes, Kate thought, it could be.

  There was a loud banging on the door and a shout: ‘I want details!’

  Kate grinned, unlocked the bathroom door and went to let Maggie in. She was holding a large napkin filled with mini croissants, pains au chocolat and muffins.

  ‘I love you,’ Kate said, as she began to eat one after another.

  ‘Well well well! Let’s hear it, then. Gory details, please.’ Maggie lay back in the chair and folded her arms.

  Kate stuffed a mini muffin into her mouth. ‘Nothing to tell, really.’

  ‘Liar.’

  Kate giggled. ‘Okay, yes, I did bring him back and, yes, we had sex.’

  Maggie whooped. ‘I’m delighted. Was it good?’

  ‘Yes. Although, if I’m honest, it’s a bit hazy.’

  ‘You were throwing back mojitos as if they were lemonade. I’m so glad you had a blow-out. You needed that.’

  Kate picked up a mini croi
ssant and took a bite. ‘Thank you so much for organizing the day. I’m afraid your make-over is ruined. I look about a hundred and ninety today.’

  Maggie rubbed her eyes. ‘I don’t feel too young myself.’

  ‘What happened with Ewoud?’

  ‘He was boring and had no sex appeal. I’m not that desperate. So I waved him off and booked myself another room.’

  Kate winced. ‘Sorry. Our whole night must have cost you a fortune.’

  Maggie sat up and patted her arm. ‘I work twenty-hour days to make money and that money needs to be enjoyed. I had a great time last night and, more importantly, you got to let your hair down for once. And, boy, did you let it down!’ She winked.

  Kate was blushing. ‘God, was I in a state in the nightclub?’

  ‘It was kind of hilarious when you were trying to twerk.’

  Kate covered her face with her hands. ‘Stop.’

  ‘I’m kidding. You were absolutely fine.’

  Kate drank thirstily from a glass of water. ‘My head is throbbing. I’d forgotten what hangovers feel like.’

  ‘I can book us in for another night, if you want to flake out, watch movies and order room service?’

  Kate smiled. ‘That sounds like heaven, but I want to go and see Jess and spend some time with Bobby.’

  ‘Back to mother-mode. I get it. Well, I’ve changed my flight. I’m not going to London until Tuesday, so I’ll pop in to see Jess later this afternoon.’

  Kate scoffed the last croissant. To hell with her weight, she had much bigger concerns. ‘I’d better get dressed.’ She stood up and began to pull on her clothes.

  ‘I’m sorry, Kate.’

  Kate looked up. ‘For what?’

  ‘That you have to deal with cancer on top of everything else. It’s not fair.’

  Kate sighed. ‘What’s fair? If I let myself think, Why me? I’d crumble. Besides, nothing that’s happened so far, Nick’s affair and our money problems, matters even the tiniest bit compared to this. I’m so over it. It’s all about Jess now. I have to believe she’ll be okay. The alternative is unspeakable and unthinkable.’

  Maggie went over to her and hugged her. ‘She will be.’

  Kate’s phone rang.

  It was her father. ‘I’m so sorry, Kate, I need you to come to the hospital. There’s been a setback.’

  Bobby’s Diary

  Things are terribel. Last week everyone went all crazy. Jess gotted an infection and she was really sick, like bad sick. Mummy had red and sad eyes all the time and Daddy came to the hospital and shouted and punched the wall and he had red eyes too.

  Granddad had sad eyes and so did Luke and so did Maggie. It made me feel really sick in my stomak. I told Mummy my stomak hurt but she said, ‘Not now, Bobby.’ I told Luke my stomak hurt and he said, ‘For f-word sake, Bobby, Jess is really sick.’ No one cares about me or how I feel.

  At home Luke is grumpy and just goes into his room with Granddad’s big headphones and lissens to music or else he is with Piper. I like Piper. She gave me sweets yesterday when she sawed me in the kitchen by myself. She took them out of her poket and said they were for me becos I’m a good boy and she nows it must be hard for me with Jess being sick.

  It IS hard for me and now it’s worser. Jess can’t have visitors except Mummy and Daddy. We have to wave at her from a window and she looks really skinny and she’s tired all the time and sleeps a lot.

  Yesterday I heard Mummy say to Granddad, ‘Jesus, Dad, we nearly lost her.’

  Granddad hugged Mummy. I cried then becos I love Jess even tho I’m cross she got sick and everyone just talks about her all the time and nothing else. I don’t want her to die. I don’t like sleeping in my bedroom by myself. I used to go into Mummy some nights. She put her arms around me and we sleeped cuddled up. But Mummy sleeps in the hospital a lot now so I can’t.

  Mrs Lorgan tried to be nice to me when Luke took me to school and told her that Jess was ‘not good’. She said I could play Joseph in the Christmas play. But Tommy said that it wasn’t fair and he wanted to be Joseph and he should be becos his brother has special needs and my sister was just a bit sick. He said that you can get better from cancer but you can’t get better from Down Sindrum.

  I got foorious then and shouted that I didn’t care about his stupid brother with Down Sindrum, whatever that means, and said that cancer is really bad and really serious and all my family had red eyes and I have to talk to Jess through the telephone and wave at her through a window and he can see his brother all the time.

  He said Down Sindrum is way worser than cancer and I shouted, ‘NO WAY, cancer is the worst,’ and then I said a bad word that Luke uses. I called Tommy a ‘dickhead’. I know it’s a bad word but I was very angry.

  Mrs Lorgan went all red in the face and said that I wasn’t going to be Joseph becos Joseph would NEVER use such shoking words. She said Tommy wasn’t going to be Joseph either.

  She said she was making Declan be Joseph which is so dum. Declan has a stuter and he can’t even say words properly. It takes him ages to say any word that starts with M, C, F, P, S or D – which is terribel because his name is Declan! His parents should change his name to Adam or something.

  Anyway he is now Joseph and his wife is Mary and he can’t even say her name properly which is just stupid. When he tried to say, ‘Don’t worry, Mary. I’ll find a place for us to stay’, it took him like about a hundred minits to say don’t. So then Mrs Lorgan changed the words in the play to ‘It’s okay, I’ll find a hotel.’

  Declan should be a donkey or a shepherd. I should be Joseph. But now because I said the bad word I’m a stupid inn-keeper and I only have two lines and Declan has loads of lines and he can’t even speak.

  The play is going to go on for hours and hours with Declan in the main part.

  When I told Mummy about Declans stuter in the beginning of the year when he arrived in the school and took ages to say his name, Mummy said that I shud be especially nice to him becos it was hard to have a stuter and I shud try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to just say what you want.

  I did feel sorry for him in the beginning but now my problem is worser than his. Jess has stinky cancer and she’s not getting better.

  The only good thing that happened was when Mrs Lorgan asked Tommy to be a donkey and he said no way and he said he didn’t want to be in the stupid play and anyway his mum and dad said God and Jesus were just made up and only stupid people believed in all that nonsense. Mrs Lorgan put him in the bold corner.

  But then a brilliant thing happened. Maggie came to collect me and I told her about the play and everything and she stopped walking and said, ‘Hang on a bloody minit’ and she turned around and went storming back into the school and asked Mrs Lorgan in a loud voice if she could have a word.

  They told me to wait outside the classroom but I could hear them because they were kind of shouting, but not shouting. The way grown-ups talk loudly when they are angry but trying not to be rude. They talked and talked and then Maggie said, ‘This is ridikulos. Bobby is having a very hard time, give the kid a break. Let him be Joseph.’

  Mrs Lorgan said, ‘My desishun is final.’

  ‘Nothing is final.’

  ‘I will not be changing my mind. I’m very sorry about his sister, but lots of families in the class have troubles at home. He is lucky to be an inn-keeper after his behavyer and cursing.’

  ‘So you’re giving a kid with a stuter who takes ten minits to say his own name the lead part? Isn’t that just a little ambishus? Aren’t you just putting him under huge presure? You give the kid who stuters two lines, not the main part. It’s too much presure. What kind of techer are you?’

  Mrs Lorgan opened the door then and she said, ‘I am a techer with 37 years experience and I will not be spoken to like this or have my desishuns questioned. Good day.’

  ‘Somewhere along those 37 years you lost your compashun you cold cow,’ Maggie said and grabbed my hand and we marched out of the sch
ool.

  Maggie called Mrs Lorgan a cow!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t beleeve it.

  Maggie did deep breathing out her nose and then she turned to me and said, ‘Stuff Joseph, he’s just a doormat anyway. The inn-keeper is a good part and you get to tell Joseph to go away. Now how about we go and get a hot chocolate and a huge bun?’

  I love Maggie. I asked her if she could stay with us forever. She gave me a hug and I let her and then she said she had to go to other places a lot for work but that she was going to come home as much as she could to help us. That made the ake in my stomak go away and I felt better.

  20

  Kate sat on the mat and peeped out from under her eyelids. There were six other people in the room, three men and three women. Thank God she didn’t recognize any of them. She was surprised to see men there. Then again, men had stress in their lives, too. Maybe she should suggest to Nick that he go to a class. He was certainly stressed enough to need help.

  Kate could see how hard he was working to come up with the money to look after everyone and she appreciated it, but it was making him even more difficult.

  Between Jenny, the kids and now Jess being sick, Nick was like a pot about to boil over. Kate tried to avoid him as much as possible. The only time she saw him relax was when he was with Jess. She’d arrived at the hospital not long ago to find the two of them laughing together over some silly game Nick had downloaded on his phone. Kate had sat outside to give them that time together. It was so good for Jess to have her dad’s undivided attention and Kate hadn’t wanted to break the spell.

  The lady running the mindfulness class asked everyone if they were comfortable. Kate wasn’t. She moved about on her mat but couldn’t find a position that felt right. She hoped the class would help her to stop panicking and allow her mind to switch off even for five minutes.

  Seeing Jess almost die when the infection ripped through her body had been unbearable. Kate was waking up every night with a panic attack, gasping for breath, her whole chest rigid with fear. Sometimes she thought she was having mini heart attacks. She’d never had headaches before, but now they were a permanent part of her life. Not a throbbing in her head, but a piercing, searing pain that made her want to throw up.