The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Dr Willis had been so kind, calling to the house and visiting Jess in hospital. When he’d asked Kate how she was, she’d told him about the headaches. He suggested she take something but she was afraid to resort to medicine: she had to be clear-headed and keep on top of things. He had told her to call him any time, day or night, if she or Jess was in need of anything. He said Kate needed to look after herself because having a sick child was such a huge strain. She told him about the mindfulness class and he thought it was an excellent idea. Everyone seemed to think it was – but Kate knew that an hour lying on a mat wasn’t going to solve anything.

  At night she lay in bed, her head spinning with dark thoughts about Jess and the ever-present what-if. Before the infection, she’d kept out of her mind the possibility of Jess dying. But now that she had seen her daughter so sick and so close to the edge, she couldn’t block it out. It was possible: Jess could die, and it could happen in an instant.

  Panic rose in her throat. She tried to concentrate on what the mindfulness lady was saying. Maggie had made her swear she’d go to the class: ‘It’s upstairs from the café so you have no excuse. It’ll do you good,’ her friend had insisted.

  It wasn’t worth not going and having to explain herself to Maggie, so Kate had promised she’d give it a go. What the hell? If it helped even a tiny bit, she’d be grateful.

  The lights in the room were dimmed and there were candles lit along the windowsill. It was restful, she had to admit.

  The mindfulness teacher sat with her legs crossed and her back straight. Kate tried to copy her but her lower back ached. She slumped against the wall, her legs bent in front of her.

  ‘Welcome, everyone. My name is Marie. We’ll go around the room and perhaps you can tell me why you’re here and what you hope to achieve from the classes.’

  A woman of about Kate’s age said she was doing the course because she had some health issues. Next, a man said he was going through a difficult break-up … Then it was just Kate and a man with a beard to her left.

  ‘Uhm … well, I’m Kate and I’m here because my daughter is sick and I was hoping to get some tools to help me stop panicking.’

  ‘Welcome, Kate. I certainly hope I can help you with that,’ Marie said.

  It was the bearded man’s turn. He looked about sixty, with dark hair, and the beard needed a trim. Looking at the floor, he said quietly, ‘I’m Liam and I’m here because my wife died almost three years ago. I’m stuck. I can’t seem to get past it.’

  Marie nodded sympathetically. ‘Mindfulness and living in the moment will hopefully help you with that.’

  ‘And because my daughter forced me to come,’ he muttered under his breath.

  ‘My friend forced me,’ Kate whispered.

  Liam glanced sideways and gave Kate a little smile. ‘I’ve never done anything like this before. I feel like a twat,’ he said.

  ‘I tried yoga once, but I found it really boring,’ Kate admitted. ‘Still, at this stage I’ll try anything.’

  ‘What’s wrong with your daughter?’

  ‘Cancer.’

  Liam winced.

  ‘What did your wife die of?’ Kate asked.

  He looked away. ‘Cancer.’

  Kate bit her lip. She wished he’d said a car crash or a brain haemorrhage – anything but cancer.

  ‘Okay.’ Marie raised her voice to get everyone’s attention. ‘Let’s start by breathing. Inflate your stomach on the inhale, pull it in on the exhale.’

  Kate had to concentrate hard on the breathing as it seemed to be the opposite of the way her body wanted to behave. They lay down and did more breathing, and then they did a sort of swaying to music that Kate found a bit embarrassing. They had to stand up and shake different body parts, concentrating on each one to focus their minds. Marie said if they felt awkward in front of the others, they could do it with their eyes closed. Kate kept hers open because she was afraid of falling, but Liam closed his.

  She was shaking her left leg about when Liam landed on top of her, squashing her into her mat. ‘God, sorry,’ he said, scrambling up hastily. ‘I shut my eyes and lost my balance. I’m such an idiot. I hope I didn’t hurt you.’

  Kate was winded but not hurt. She waved her hand. ‘No damage done.’

  Liam held out his hand to help her up. ‘I really am so sorry. I’m such a klutz. Dancing was never my thing. I should probably go before I injure someone. So much for calm and tranquillity.’

  Kate grinned. ‘Don’t be silly, I’m fine, and at least you distracted me from my thoughts, which is more than I can say for the breathing.’

  Liam smiled back. ‘I can’t get that right either. I’m not sure this is for me. I think I might be better off taking my dog for a walk.’

  ‘I think I need a vat of wine,’ Kate said, and laughed.

  Marie came over to them. ‘We must try to remain quiet and focus on our breathing.’ She inhaled and exhaled deeply to demonstrate. ‘Now if we could all lie down on our mats in a comfortable position, we’re going to do a body scan.’

  There was something strangely intimate about lying on a mat next to a man you’d never met before, Kate mused. But she didn’t feel awkward now that they’d broken the ice. Liam reminded her a bit of her dad – he had a kind face. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on feeling her toes, but images of Jess’s beautiful brown eyes so full of fear kept flashing in front of her.

  Beside her she could hear Liam rustling about and sighing. He clearly wasn’t thinking about his toes either.

  Half an hour later Kate held the door as everyone streamed out onto the footpath.

  ‘Did you enjoy it?’ Marie asked.

  ‘Yes, it was definitely nice to lie down and do nothing for a little bit, but I found it very difficult to switch my mind off.’

  ‘Don’t worry. It takes a lot of practice but keep trying. It’ll really help you.’

  ‘I will, thanks.’

  Liam pulled on his coat. He was the last to leave. ‘After you,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, no, you go ahead. I live here.’

  ‘What? Here?’

  Kate nodded. ‘Yes, my dad owns the café and wine shop and I live with him.’

  ‘Oh, I see. To be honest, I’m rarely down this way, but the café looks lovely. I must come and check it out.’

  ‘You should. We do the best coffee and scones in town.’

  ‘I love scones, as you can probably tell.’ Liam patted his midriff, although it certainly wasn’t big, Kate thought. Probably less obvious than hers.

  ‘Do you think you’ll give this mindfulness another go?’

  Liam wrinkled his nose. ‘Not sure it’s for me, but my daughter’s paid for the six sessions so I’d feel guilty if I didn’t come to one or two more.’

  ‘I know what you mean. My friend Maggie bought them for me. I guess one or two more can’t do any harm.’

  Liam had a nice smile, warm and open. ‘No harm as long as some oaf doesn’t fall on top of you.’

  ‘In the scheme of my life’s catastrophes,’ Kate said, with a half-smile, ‘that was very minor.’

  Liam held out his hand and they shook. ‘I’ll let you go. It was very nice to meet you.’

  ‘You, too. See you next week, maybe.’

  Liam waved and walked off into the cold night.

  Kate locked up and turned off the lights. When she went into the house, she went to check on Bobby. He was fast asleep. Kate bent to kiss his forehead. George was beside the bed, snoring in an armchair, his glasses halfway down his nose, his book upside-down on his lap. Kate left him undisturbed and went to get something to eat. She’d wake him later if he was still asleep.

  In the kitchen she heated up some of the pea and chicken soup she’d made earlier for the café. As she was sitting down to eat it, the back door opened and Luke came in.

  Kate looked at the clock – it was after ten. ‘Hi. Were you in Piper’s?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Luke said, walking quickly across the kitchen t
o the other door.

  As he swept past, Kate got a strong whiff of alcohol. What the hell? ‘Hold on there.’ She stood up.

  Luke pulled the door open. ‘I’m going to bed.’ He made to leave, but Kate pulled him back.

  ‘Have you been drinking?’

  ‘No.’ Luke’s eyelids drooped.

  ‘Luke, you reek of booze. Where were you?’

  Where the hell had he been and with whom? Kate wasn’t delusional: she knew some of Luke’s friends drank. She also knew he had the odd beer on a Saturday night at a party, but that was rare because he was so obsessed with sport and health. But this was Tuesday, a school night, and judging by Luke’s eyes, he’d had a lot more than one or two beers.

  Kate was getting angry. Why was he risking everything he cared about by getting drunk? She budged him forward into a chair.

  He sat down heavily. ‘What?’

  ‘I want to know where you were.’

  ‘I was with a few of the guys.’

  ‘Which guys?’

  ‘Gus and … well … Gus.’

  Gus was the kind of boy you wanted your son to stay away from. He was wild and always getting into trouble. Luke was always saying what an idiot Gus was and how he was going nowhere fast. So why on earth was he getting drunk with him?

  ‘Were you in a pub?’

  Luke shook his head. ‘Gus’s house.’

  ‘Were his parents there?’

  ‘No, they’re away.’

  ‘What did you drink?’

  Luke shrugged. ‘I dunno, vodka, beer, whatever.’

  ‘Whatever? Are you kidding me? Jesus, Luke, I’ve enough on my bloody plate without you going out and getting drunk. What were you thinking? How is this helpful to anyone?’

  Luke banged the table with his hands. ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Mum, I wasn’t trying to be helpful. I was trying to forget. I was trying to get away from all this shit. I’m sick of it. Everything’s so … so …’ He put his head into his hands and began to cry.

  Kate stopped being angry. She was so wrapped up in Jess that she was forgetting how hard this was for everyone else. She put her arm around Luke. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, I know it’s awful for you.’

  ‘She nearly died, Mum.’ Luke looked up. ‘We nearly lost her.’

  Kate felt her eyes welling up. She needed to be strong. ‘I know we did, but she’s okay now. The thing about cancer is that it’s going to have ups and downs, but as long as Jess keeps recovering and getting better, she’ll be all right.’

  Luke rubbed his eyes. ‘Do you want to know why I really went drinking?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I didn’t want to give her my bone marrow. I was pissed off about it because it means I’ll miss training and probably a game or two. I’m such a selfish prick that I was resenting having to donate to Jess. And then when she nearly died I felt sick for even thinking like that. What kind of person am I? Jess, my little sister, the nicest kid in the world, needs my help and I don’t want to give it.’

  Kate hugged him. ‘Luke, what matters is that you never said you wouldn’t do it. You stood up and said yes when the doctors said you were a match. Whatever you were thinking privately doesn’t matter. It’s what you do that counts. Of course you’re not happy about having to donate bone marrow. It’s a big deal. No one would be thrilled about it. Don’t beat yourself up for how you feel. You can’t help that.’ Kate held Luke’s hand. ‘You should be proud of yourself for agreeing to donate. I’m proud of you. More proud than I’ve ever been.’

  Luke sniffed. ‘As proud as you are of me getting drunk?’

  Kate smiled. ‘No.’

  Luke pushed his hair out of his face. ‘It’s all so … shit. I wish Jess wasn’t sick. I wish Dad wasn’t such a dickhead. I wish we had loads of money and that you didn’t have to worry about anything. I wish …’

  Kate stood up and tipped her now cold soup down the sink’s plughole. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the last few years, it’s that wishing is a waste of time.’

  21

  Jess sat up, fully clothed, on the edge of the bed and listened to Dr Kennedy. She was excited and desperate to get out of the room, but she knew she had to listen.

  Mum was sitting beside her on the bed, fiddling with her handbag strap.

  ‘Now, Jess,’ Dr Kennedy said, ‘I want you to listen carefully. We’re allowing you to go home because the infection has cleared up and the tests have shown you’re in partial remission. We’ll be going ahead with the bone-marrow transplant to try to get you into complete remission, which is our goal. I think it’s important that you get home for a few weeks’ break before we do the transplant. However,’ he raised his hands, ‘I need you to be very careful to protect yourself from any further infection while you’re at home. This is a list of helpful hints regarding how to avoid it.’

  Jess glanced at the list the doctor handed her. It was very long, and the ones that stood out to her were: ‘Tell your doctor or specialist nurse immediately if you get a temperature over 38° centigrade (100° Fahrenheit). Tell your doctor or nurse straight away if you notice any bleeding or bruising. Keep as clean as you can – for instance, wash your hands before preparing food or eating. Keep away from animals to avoid infection, especially cat-litter trays and bird cages. Put pressure on cuts for longer than usual to stop bleeding. Rest when you feel tired.’

  She looked up. ‘Can I go horse-riding?’

  ‘I don’t think it’s advisable this time, but if the transplant goes well, then we’ll have you back on a horse in no time.’

  ‘Should we wear masks at home?’ her mother asked. ‘Would it help protect her?’

  ‘Unless someone has a cold or a temperature, you don’t really need masks. Keep visitors to a minimum, and anyone not feeling well is best to stay away for the moment.’

  Jess stood up. She’d had enough. Weeks of talking and explaining and tests and drugs and feeling better and feeling worse – she was sick of it all. She just wanted to go home and be normal for a while. They were wasting time talking.

  ‘Can we go now?’

  Her mother put her hand on Jess’s arm. ‘Hold on, Jess, just one more question.’

  ‘No!’ Jess shouted. ‘No more questions! I’ve had enough! I want to go home.’

  Her mother looked shocked. ‘Okay, calm down. We’re going.’

  Dr Kennedy took off his glasses and smiled at Jess. ‘You’ve been wonderfully patient and I understand how particularly difficult the last few weeks have been. Go home and have a lovely time.’

  Jess felt bad for shouting. ‘Thank you so much.’

  Mum picked up her bag and Jess walked slowly, much more slowly than she’d have liked, out of the door and down the corridor. Her energy was non-existent, and she hated being tired all the time.

  The nurses waved her off. Aideen, her favourite, hugged her. ‘Have a great time. You deserve it.’

  Jess grinned. ‘Thanks, I will.’

  She stopped outside Larry’s door and went in to hug him.

  ‘Whoooooaa! I don’t want your infection!’ he said, grinning.

  ‘Sod off! I’m clear and you know it.’ Jess laughed.

  ‘Enjoy your time out, you lucky thing.’

  ‘I will. Call me anytime, day or night.’

  Larry winked. ‘I’ll leave you in peace. You don’t need me moaning down the phone when you finally get out of here for a bit.’

  Jess smiled and tried to remain cheerful. Now that she was dressed in ‘normal’ clothes, it was as if she could see Larry from a different perspective. Instead of a fellow cancer victim, she was looking at him as an outsider would and saw how utterly wretched he was. She willed herself to see past his grey, sunken face into his lovely blue eyes. ‘I’m here for you.’

  He held her hand in his shrivelled dry one. ‘I know. I promise I’ll try not to die while you’re out. I’ll wait until you come back.’

  She shook her head. ‘Don’t, Larry, please.’
<
br />   His blue eyes gazed into her brown ones. ‘Sorry, can’t help myself. You look good, Jess. Enjoy freedom.’

  She squeezed his hand. ‘I will and I’ll send you photos to make you jealous.’

  ‘Why would I be jealous? I have a kingdom here.’ Larry waved his arm around the hospital room. They laughed.

  Just before she left, Jess turned to hug him again. ‘I’ll see you soon. You’re not allowed to die, promise?’

  ‘Promise.’ He hugged her back.

  Jess was glad her mother didn’t talk or ask her any questions as they walked to the car. She was upset at leaving Larry, upset and worried. It was the only fly in the ointment of getting out of hospital. She knew Larry would miss her, just like she’d miss him. They were in it together and made each other’s days so much more bearable.

  She vowed to send him funny pics and texts to cheer him up and so that he’d know she hadn’t forgotten him. Hospital days were so endless and any bit of distraction was welcome.

  Jess expected the house to be quiet when she got home, because the boys would be in school and Granddad would be working in the café. But when she opened the back door into the kitchen, she heard a cheer. Everyone was there – Luke, Bobby, Granddad, Piper, even Nathalie.

  Bobby and Luke were holding up a poster that Bobby had painted. It said, WELCOM BAK JESS. The table was full of all her favourite food, and even though she didn’t feel like eating, she was touched by all the effort that had gone into it.

  Jess wanted to laugh and cry. Everything felt normal and weird at the same time. The kitchen seemed so safe and warm and full of love, and she was so happy. She tried really hard not to, but she began to cry. She turned her head and buried it in her mother’s stomach.

  ‘It’s okay, pet, you’re home now. Safe and sound with all the people who love you,’ Mum whispered into her ear. Jess heard the catch in her voice. ‘We’re so happy.’