The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I want to stay,’ Jess said.

  Nick shook his head. ‘George is right. This is grown-up stuff.’

  ‘Please, Jess, would you take Bobby to watch TV?’ Kate asked.

  Jess reluctantly got up and ushered Bobby out of the room.

  ‘How could you not tell me?’ Kate asked Maggie.

  ‘I’m sorry, Kate. I didn’t want to upset you, not with the way things are. I told Luke that when they had made their decision he had to tell you straight away. I guess I was trying to protect you.’ She gazed pleadingly at Kate, who continued to stare at her in disbelief.

  ‘How could you?’ Kate said. ‘Leaving me to find out like this. Keeping it a secret. I never thought you’d –’

  ‘Stop, Mum,’ Luke said. ‘Don’t be angry with Maggie. She’s been a rock. Her offer to give us the apartment at a low rent means we can go to college and work part-time. I think we can do it all, Mum, I really do. Maggie just did what we asked, but she also said we had to tell you as soon as possible.’

  Maggie reached over and put her hand over Kate’s. ‘It was a difficult situation and, on top of Jess, I had to do what I thought was best. I’m so sorry.’

  Kate took a deep breath. ‘Luke’s right. You supported them. I shouldn’t be upset with you. Sorry.’

  Nick was staring at his eldest son, unable to believe what Luke was willingly walking into. God, he was so naive! As if love was ever enough! Luke hadn’t a clue what lay ahead of him. Having a baby with no money, while trying to study and hold down a part-time job, was going to be a living nightmare. Christ knew it was hard enough when you were forty-five and had a decent job. The plain fact was that Luke was going to ruin his life, and Nick didn’t want that. He wanted Luke to have the life he himself hadn’t had – to go to college, travel, work in London or New York, meet people and have wonderful experiences.

  Nick had gone straight to work from school, then got married young and had kids. He’d sold houses to guys who’d gone to college and spent twenty years on Wall Street making a fortune. They’d decide to come back to Ireland to raise their kids and buy big houses with barely any mortgage because they’d made so much money on bonuses and fat salaries.

  Nick wanted that for Luke. He wanted his son to be the guy buying the big house, not the guy selling it to him. He wanted Luke to have it all. Getting tied down with a baby at eighteen years of age would ruin his life choices. It was a mess. He had to try to persuade him, to make him see sense.

  ‘Luke, please listen to me. Don’t do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t blow it by making a stupid decision. I’ll talk to your girlfriend – I’ll make her see what a bad idea this is.’

  Luke bent over the table and shoved his finger in Nick’s face. ‘You stay away from Piper. She’s the best thing in my life. We’ve decided together to keep the baby and no one is going to change our minds, least of all you.’

  ‘You’re making a huge mistake,’ Nick said.

  ‘He hasn’t taken this decision lightly, Nick. He’s really thought about it,’ Maggie said.

  ‘Does her father know?’ Nick asked. ‘I’m sure he’ll want her to go to London.’

  ‘We told them yesterday,’ Luke said, glaring at his father. ‘Yes, they are shocked, but they’re offering us their support.’

  ‘Are you absolutely sure about your decision, Luke?’ Kate asked.

  He nodded. ‘Yes, Mum. Look, I’m sorry, I know this is the last thing you need right now. I never meant it to happen but it did and … well, I’m sorry, Mum.’ He wiped the tears from his eyes.

  Kate got up and went over to put her arms around him. ‘It’s okay, Luke, it’s okay. We’ll work it out. We’ll all help you and we’ll muddle through, like we always do. I love you and I don’t want you to blame yourself or feel bad.’

  Luke sank into her arms and buried his head in her shoulder. Nick felt a pang of jealousy. Kate was so good with the kids. He wished he could connect with them like she did. He’d have to make more effort. Kids really were hard work. Luke had no idea what he was in for. No idea at all.

  31

  Kate finished filling Liam in and took a sip of her hot chocolate. She had been dying to tell him. She’d just known he’d understand and be sympathetic. He was the one person she wanted to confide in when anything happened, these days.

  ‘Wow! Never a dull moment in your house,’ he said.

  ‘I’m forty-two, and I’m going to be a grandmother.’ Kate laughed bitterly.

  ‘Not ideal, I grant you that. But if I could try to point out some positives? At least you like Piper, her parents are on board to help out, Maggie’s chipping in as well, and Luke’s standing up and being a responsible young man. That’s something to be very proud of, you know.’

  Kate raised an eyebrow. ‘It’s a pity he couldn’t have been more responsible when he was having sex. Then he wouldn’t be in this mess.’

  She was sick with anxiety about it. As if worrying about Jess wasn’t bad enough, now she had to worry about Luke. The awkward meeting with Piper’s parents on St Stephen’s Day had been made less awful than she’d expected because Piper’s parents were lovely. Well, the mother was lovely. The father was quiet, clearly angry and devastated.

  Luke hadn’t told Nick about the meeting and had begged Kate not to. He said he didn’t want Nick ruining it by trying to force them to have an abortion in front of Piper’s parents.

  Thankfully, it quickly became apparent that Piper’s parents were fully on board to help out and be supportive, a huge relief to Kate. She promised them that Luke would be a good father and would not renege on his duties, no matter what happened between him and Piper.

  Every time Kate saw Luke, she wanted to cry. He’d had such a bright future and now it was going to be a mess. Maggie kept saying it would be okay, that they’d work it out so he could go to college, but Kate still worried. It was a mammoth responsibility on young shoulders.

  ‘Come on, Kate, we were all young once, and were we responsible all the time? I doubt it. Luke was unlucky, very unlucky, but it doesn’t mean his life is over. With both families and their friends supporting them, they’ll be fine. They sound like a lovely pair of young people,’ Liam said.

  Kate leant forward, so Nathalie, who was clearing up, couldn’t hear her. ‘Is it awful to wish they’d had an abortion and put it behind them?’

  Liam shook his head. ‘No, it’s human nature to want the best for your kids and to protect them from struggles. But this may not be the worst thing in the world. We both have kids and we love them. Would we change a hair on their heads? No. Is there ever really a right time to have children?’

  ‘After school would be a good start!’

  Liam grinned. ‘You have a point there. Will she be able to sit her exams?’

  ‘Yes. Her due date is early July, but the poor thing will be doing them hugely pregnant.’

  ‘Tough, but not impossible.’

  Kate looked at his kind, open face. ‘Are you always this optimistic?’

  He smiled. ‘Only when faced with someone desperate to see light at the end of a dark tunnel. You’ve had a huge amount to deal with, but you’re strong. You’ve raised wonderful kids. It’ll all work out.’

  Kate smiled and squeezed his hand. ‘Thank you for listening and for making me feel better. Thank God I went to the mindfulness class. I hated it but I met you.’

  Liam blushed and focused on sipping his cappuccino.

  Nathalie came over. ‘I am finished with the cleaning. Are you okay for drinks? Would you not prefer to ’ave a glass of wine?’

  ‘I think if I open a bottle I may never stop,’ Kate said.

  ‘Poor Kate.’ Nathalie patted her shoulder. ‘She is ’aving the very stressful time. Why Luke could not put on the condom? I understand Piper not taking the pill, it make girls fat. I say non to the pill, but I always use the condom.’

  ‘If only all young people were as sensible as you,’ Liam said, winking at Kate.

/>   ‘It’s not sensible. It’s fear. I never want to be ’aving the children. I ’ate babies – crying, sheeting and doing the pipi everywhere. Non, merci. I like nice clothes and beautiful rugs and books not ruined by chocolate hands or the snotty nose.’

  Liam threw his head back and laughed, a kind of joyful hooting. Kate found it infectious and soon joined in.

  Liam wiped tears from his eyes. ‘Nathalie, you are too much. Babies do more than just secrete all over the place. They’re great fun too.’

  Nathalie shrugged in her nonchalant French way. ‘Maybe fun for you, but for me a nightmare.’

  ‘I won’t put you down for babysitting duties then,’ Kate said.

  ‘When the baby can go to the toilet and wash their own ’ands, I am ’appy to ’elp.’

  ‘So, about fourteen if it’s a boy, then!’ Liam chuckled.

  Even Nathalie laughed. ‘Yes, and two if it’s a girl, non?’

  Liam nodded. ‘Yes.’

  Nathalie studied Liam’s face. ‘You know, if you cut this beard short or maybe shave it off, you could be quite good-looking.’

  Liam put his hand on his heart. ‘From you, Nathalie, that backhanded compliment means a lot.’

  ‘Seriously, you should cut it and put on a shirt that ’as been ironed. This look as if your dog sleep on it.’

  Liam laughed again. ‘He probably did.’

  ‘Well, if you want to impress a lady,’ Nathalie grinned, ‘you need to be a bit better with the grooming and the fashion.’

  It was Kate’s turn to blush. ‘Thanks, Nathalie. That’s enough advice for one evening.’

  As she was leaving, Nathalie said to Kate, ‘I like this one. ’Airy, but funny and kind.’

  When she’d gone, Kate looked down at her cup. ‘Sorry, she can be a bit too free and easy with her advice.’

  Liam stroked his beard. ‘You know, she’s right, I should do better with “the grooming and the fashion”.’

  Kate laughed. ‘You’re fine the way you are.’

  ‘I’d like to be more than fine.’ Liam stared straight at her.

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that. You’re great.’

  Liam beamed. ‘You’re pretty great yourself.’

  Kate wasn’t comfortable with the way the conversation was going so she changed the subject. She really liked Liam. In the short time she’d known him he had become someone she trusted and whose company she enjoyed, but she just didn’t find him attractive and, in any case, she had no space for any kind of romance. She could barely breathe with all that was going on.

  ‘So, how’s work?’

  ‘Work is fine. I’ve got some very intense students eager to get firsts. It’s amazing how much more focused kids are, these days. When I started out teaching Spanish, the lectures were only ever half full on a good day. Now, every lecture is almost eighty per cent full and the kids are killing themselves studying. I don’t know if it’s better or worse. More importantly, how’s Jess?’

  Kate poked at a small marshmallow that was stuck to the bottom of her hot chocolate cup. She’d have to stop drinking it or she’d put on the weight she’d lost due to stress. ‘To be honest, I’m worried about her. Larry dying has really set her back. She’s heartbroken, and he was so good at cheering her up and making the days less long. It’s just awful that he’s gone. She’ll miss him so much. He was so young and a really lovely boy. It really scared me. He’d been in remission three times, but it came back and … Well, he’s gone now. I’m trying really hard not to think about it. I’m just focusing on the fact that, in two days’ time, Jess is having the tests done to see if the bone-marrow transplant has put her into complete remission. I’m sick with nerves.’

  ‘I’ll pray it all goes well. How does she seem?’

  Kate tried to swallow the fear that rose in her throat every time she thought about it. Jess didn’t look well. She was constantly exhausted and slept a lot. Kate didn’t even want to allow herself to think about it, but Jess had seemed worse in the last ten days. The results had to be good. They just had to. ‘I don’t know, really. She looks so frail. I’m a bit worried, to be honest.’

  Liam put his cup down. ‘I know it’s frightening for you. Look, I’m here day or night, so just call me. I remember nights being the worst time, when you wake up and it’s four a.m., and you know you’re not going to get back to sleep and you start thinking very dark thoughts. Honestly, call me anytime. I’m not a great sleeper anyway – chances are I’ll be awake, reading.’

  He got it, Kate thought. Only someone who had been through this could understand. That was exactly how she felt when she woke up – terrified. She often wished she could talk to someone to calm herself down. One night, in complete desperation, she’d called Nick. Jaden had been woken by the noise of the phone ringing and Jenny had gone mad. Nick had tried to be nice to her, but had hung up after a minute because Jenny was shouting at him.

  She smiled at Liam. ‘You may regret that offer.’

  He smiled back. ‘I won’t.’

  Kate glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘Shoot! I have to go. I had no idea it was so late. I want to try to get Jess to eat something.’

  ‘Good luck and keep me posted. I’m crossing all fingers for good news.’

  Liam leant down and gave Kate a bear hug. She kissed the side of his scratchy beard and said goodbye.

  32

  Kate tucked Bobby into his bed and turned out the light. She went in to Jess, who was lying on her side with her eyes closed, quietly changed into her pyjamas and lay down beside her daughter in the double bed. Looking at the dandelion card on the bedside table, she said a prayer to Larry: ‘Wherever you are, please help her. Please may the results be good. Please may she be in complete remission. Please, Larry, please.’

  Jess had barely touched her food at dinner. She’d said she was feeling tired and had gone to bed at eight. Kate had wanted to weep. This was not a good sign. She didn’t look like someone who was getting better. All of the hope was draining right out of Kate’s bones.

  ‘Mum, will you read to me?’ Jess said, startling her.

  ‘Of course I will. I thought you were asleep.’

  Jess rolled over to face her. ‘No, just resting.’

  ‘How do you feel?’

  ‘Same.’

  ‘Would you eat any little thing now? I bought you chocolate milk. Luke said it’s great for energy.’

  ‘Gross,’ Jess said.

  ‘How about a scone? Or a muffin? Or a yoghurt?’

  Jess shook her head. ‘Sorry, but no. I don’t feel hungry.’

  Kate studied her daughter’s pinched face and scrawny arms and tried not to worry. ‘Will I continue with Jane Eyre?’

  ‘Yes, I like the crazy woman. I want to know who she is.’

  Kate cuddled Jess to her and began to read. She inhaled the smell of her daughter, the essence of her. Jess snuggled into her mother’s shoulder.

  As Kate was about to start a new chapter, a little voice said, ‘I miss him.’

  Kate put down her Kindle and held her daughter to her. She’s like a broken sparrow, she thought. A tiny broken sparrow. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish it hadn’t happened.’

  ‘Me too,’ Jess whispered. ‘If I die, I’ll send you a sign, I promise. I told Larry if I died first, I’d send him a white butterfly. I’ll do the same for you.’

  Kate squeezed her eyes tightly shut. She didn’t want to hear that. She didn’t want Jess ever to say the word ‘die’. ‘You don’t need to think about signs or any of that, darling. You’re not going anywhere.’ She held her tighter. ‘Please don’t talk like that. I won’t let you go, ever. You’re going to get better. You must believe it.’

  Jess sighed. ‘Okay, Mum.’

  ‘I love you so much, Jess. I just can’t bear to hear you talk about signs. You can buy me a white butterfly for my birthday and give it to me. Okay?’

  ‘Sure.’

  Kate switched on her Kindle.

  ‘Mum?’


  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I think it’s nice Luke’s having a baby. I know he’s young, but it’s what life’s about, really, isn’t it? Finding someone you love and having kids.’

  ‘Well, I suppose so, yes. Children are the best thing in life. I just wish Luke and Piper weren’t so young.’

  ‘It’ll be the cutest baby ever. Luke and Piper are so gorgeous. It’ll have amazing blue eyes like them and really thick shiny brown hair. Chloë said she bets it’ll look like Megan Fox if it’s a girl and Zac Efron if it’s a boy.’

  Kate had no idea who those people were but she nodded. ‘Gorgeous.’

  ‘I wish I had blue eyes.’

  ‘Jess,’ Kate said, looking into her daughter’s eyes, ‘you have the most beautiful melt-your-heart brown ones I’ve ever seen.’

  ‘You always say I’m beautiful, even when I look terrible, like right now.’

  Kate held Jess’s small face in her hands and smiled. ‘You are the most wonderful, stunning creature on this earth and always will be.’

  Jess giggled. ‘Yeah, right! I look like crap.’

  ‘No, you don’t. You look incredible, considering what you’ve been through. We just need to feed you up.’

  Jess laid her bald head on Kate’s chest. ‘Tell me about the day I was born again.’

  Kate kissed it. ‘There was a huge thunderstorm and a bolt of lightning struck as you were being born. I knew then that you’d be invincible. Your dad wanted to call you Storm, but I said no. Jess was always my favourite name. I stood my ground on that one. The doctor said, “This girl will be extraordinary.” He’d never seen a child being born on the strike of lightning. We knew then that you were special, really, truly special, and you are, Jess. You’re so special.’

  Kate looked down. Jess was fast asleep. She held her daughter and prayed to the god of thunder and lightning to give Jess strength and help her beat cancer for good.

  33

  Dr Kennedy took off his glasses. Kate stopped breathing. If they take off their glasses, you’re screwed. She knew this from all the hospital TV shows she’d watched. Whenever the doctor removes his glasses, it’s inevitably bad news.