The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

‘Integral, why? Because I think maybe they like to ’ug each other, maybe they are ’omosexual but too afraid to say.’

  ‘Sweet Mother of Jesus, will you stop talking rubbish? They are not gay, they are just playing a game of rugby.’

  ‘Don’t wind him up, Nathalie,’ Kate warned her. ‘We don’t need his blood pressure going any higher.’

  Dad’s phone rang. It was Jenny. Jess was delighted when he ignored it and put his phone on silent.

  With five minutes to go, Luke’s team were three points down. Their little group was quiet. Jess could hear her father muttering under his breath, ‘Come on, Luke, you can do it. Give us a try.’

  With two minutes to go they passed the ball to Rocco, star of the team. He came thundering down the line towards them. They all cheered and shouted – even Nathalie was screaming, ‘Go, go, go.’

  As Rocco got closer to the try line he glanced around. Luke was beside him. Rocco looked ahead: he could have dived and scored, but he passed it to Luke. The ball soared into the air. Luke caught it and dived to the ground. Try!

  The place erupted. Jess sat in her wheelchair grinning as everyone danced, jumped, cheered, hugged and cried.

  Luke hugged Rocco, then pulled him across the field to where his family was waiting. ‘That was for you, sis.’ Then he pushed a bashful Rocco in front of her. ‘This man is a legend,’ he declared, as Rocco blushed and laughed. ‘He let me take the try,’ Luke said, choking up with all the emotion.

  ‘Just teamwork,’ Rocco said, smiling at Jess. ‘I knew it meant the world to him.’ She nodded at him gratefully. ‘I hope you’re feeling better soon,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry you’ve been so sick.’

  Jess nodded again, unable to speak, and watched as Rocco and Luke ran back to their teammates. Rocco took the kick and put it over to add two more points. Then the referee blew the whistle and the whole place erupted again. Jess was crying, laughing and cheering all at once. It felt so good to be part of normal life, of all these people happy together. She felt so happy herself.

  Her mother held her hand and smiled through her tears. ‘Wasn’t he amazing?’ she said.

  ‘Absolutely,’ Jess said.

  Behind Kate, she saw Liam approaching. He gently tapped her mother on the shoulder. ‘I’m so happy for you. What a try,’ he said. ‘I’ll talk to you soon.’ He turned to leave, but she pulled him back.

  ‘Liam, wait, I want you to meet Jess.’

  She introduced them. Jess shook his hand.

  ‘I’m very pleased to meet you, Jess. I’ve heard so much about you. You must be very proud of your brother today.’

  ‘Yes, I am. I’m happy to meet you too.’ Jess looked into his blue eyes. They were full of kindness. ‘I know you’ve been a good friend to Mum through all this. I’m glad about that.’

  ‘It’s been a very hard time for you all,’ he said, looking straight at her. Jess felt he understood and smiled at him. ‘Well, I won’t keep you. You’ve a lot to celebrate. I’ll be off.’

  ‘Hang on there! I’m Maggie, and I want to say hello too.’

  Liam stuck out his hand. ‘Great to meet you, Maggie. I’ve heard you’re the fantastic best friend.’

  Maggie smiled. ‘Charming to boot. You really are the whole package.’

  Liam laughed and shook a finger at her. ‘Kate said you were a live wire. She was right.’

  Maggie threw back her head and laughed. ‘Touché.’

  George came over then and introduced himself, followed by Hazel and Chloë, and finally Bobby. Liam seemed a bit overwhelmed, but he handled it with grace and good humour.

  Bobby peered up at him. ‘Did you used to be all hairy?’

  ‘Yes, I did, until Nathalie here very kindly told me I looked like a hobo and to shave it off.’

  ‘I sawed you in the café once when you were hairy. You look much better now. You were a bit scary before.’

  ‘Well, I’m very pleased to hear that. I don’t want to scare people off.’

  Jess watched her mother closely. She was standing close to Liam. They weren’t touching, but it was as if they were. Her father clicked his phone shut. He had been talking into it at speed for the last five minutes.

  ‘Let’s go, guys,’ he said. Then, noticing Liam, he said, ‘Oh, hi, I’m Nick.’

  ‘Liam.’

  They shook hands.

  ‘Are you one of the other parents?’ Nick asked.

  ‘No.’ Maggie was grinning. ‘He’s a friend of Kate’s.’

  Nick did a double-take. ‘Oh, really?’

  ‘Yes,’ Maggie said. ‘And we’re all getting on like a house on fire.’

  Jess saw that her mother was getting uncomfortable.

  Liam had obviously noticed, too, because he cut in before she had a chance to. ‘Well, very nice to meet you all and well done again. Luke was the star of the show today. Bye now.’

  He turned to go but Kate walked to the side with him. Jess heard her say, ‘Thanks so much for coming.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have missed it. Go back to your family. I’ll call you.’

  ‘Tonight. Call me tonight,’ she whispered.

  Jess felt warm inside. She was happy her mum had a friend or boyfriend or whatever he was. He was nice, and Jess could see that he was mad about her. It was what Mum needed most, someone to love her. It would make things easier in the future, Jess knew, and that made her feel good.

  Liam left and Nick came over to Kate. ‘Who’s your friend?’ he asked.

  ‘Liam.’

  ‘Yeah, I know, but who is he? How long have you been together?’

  ‘We’re not together. He’s a friend who has been really supportive to me over these past months.’

  ‘So you’ve never –’

  ‘It’s none of your business.’

  ‘No need to bite my head off. I think I’m allowed to know if you’re seeing someone.’

  ‘No, you’re not. You lost that privilege when you left me.’

  Nick regarded her for a moment, then he nodded. ‘That’s fair enough,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m glad if you’ve found someone.’

  Kate blinked, momentarily lost for words. She saw Maggie make an exaggerated shocked face behind Nick’s back and had to suppress a giggle.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said at last. ‘That means a lot to me.’

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ Nick said. He held up his phone. ‘You can guess why.’

  ‘No problem,’ Kate said. ‘We’ll get Jess back to the hospital now.’

  Aideen came in to check her blood pressure and smiled at Jess, lying tucked up in her bed.

  ‘Today has wrecked you, hasn’t it, sweetheart?’ Aideen said. ‘You’re done in.’

  Jess nodded. ‘Yeah, I’m really tired. But I’m really happy too.’

  ‘Well, that’s all that matters,’ Aideen said, stroking her forehead. ‘Happy trumps tired every time. It was worth it, so.’

  ‘It really was,’ Jess said, thinking back over the day and being with everyone again. It had been wonderful.

  ‘Hey, sis.’

  Aideen and Jess turned to see Luke standing there, holding the cup. He grinned at them. ‘I know you must be wiped out, but I wanted to show you the cup. I won’t stay long, Aideen, I promise.’

  ‘You certainly won’t,’ Aideen said briskly. Then her face broke into a smile. ‘Come in! Come in and show us what you won. Aren’t you brilliant? Look at that, Jess. Isn’t he fantastic?’

  ‘He really is,’ Jess said, gazing up at him.

  She didn’t have the energy to sit up, so Luke placed the cup on her stomach and she wrapped her hands around the sides. ‘Wow, Luke, it’s gorgeous.’

  He beamed. ‘I know. What a day.’

  ‘You were amazing, the hero of the match.’

  ‘Right, hero,’ Aideen said. ‘I’m going for my tea break and you’ll have to skedaddle when I get back. Otherwise you’ll get me in trouble.’

  ‘I’ll go the moment you say,’ Luke said.

  ‘Good man,�
�� Aideen said, heading for the door. ‘I’ll be back in fifteen minutes to settle you for the night, Jess.’

  Luke took the trophy and placed it on the floor. ‘Rocco was very generous to give me that pass.’

  ‘It was Fate, your moment to take.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess it was.’ Luke looked down at his hands. ‘I’m so glad you were there, Jess. It meant the world to me.’

  Jess swallowed hard. ‘It was the best day ever.’

  ‘You’re an amazing kid, you know that?’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘You are, Jess. You’re so bloody brave. I just wish … I wish my bone marrow had saved you. I’m sorry it didn’t. I feel I let you down.’

  Jess felt tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘Luke, you did everything you could and more. You’ve been my rock, always. When Mum and Dad split up, you were there for me and Bobby. You’ve been there for Mum, too. It’s been hardest on you because you’re the eldest.’

  ‘I’ve let her down too, you know, with the baby and all.’

  Jess was angry now. ‘Stop it, Luke. Stop blaming yourself. You didn’t mean to have a baby so young but you took responsibility, like you always do. You stand up to things and for things and you protect people. You’re going to be a great dad. That baby is so lucky to have you and Piper as its parents. It’s all going to be fine, Luke.’

  Luke wiped away a tear. ‘How did you get to be so nice? I think all of Mum’s genes went into you, and me and Bobby got a mixture of both.’

  ‘Don’t be too hard on Dad. He’s trying.’

  Luke sat back in the chair. ‘I know, but he’s never going to be Dad of the Year. He’s just fundamentally a selfish person. You bring out the best in him, though.’

  ‘It’s only because I’m a girl. I think he feels he has to be harder on you and Bobby because you’re boys.’

  ‘Maybe. Poor Bobby, though – he doesn’t really get a look in.’

  ‘Since Jaden came along, the bit of attention he used to get is gone. You need to keep an eye on him, Luke. He needs you.’

  ‘I need you, Jess. We all do. You’re the glue in the family. You’re the link to Dad. You’re … you’re the – the ham in the sandwich.’

  Jess grinned. ‘If I’m the ham, you’re the bread that wraps around us.’

  ‘What does that make Bobby?’

  ‘Mustard?’ Jess suggested, and they laughed.

  ‘Yes, hot and spicy.’

  ‘Spiky.’ Jess giggled.

  ‘Do you think he’ll still be kicking things when he’s my age?’

  ‘Probably. He didn’t lick it off a stone. Dad’s kicked and punched the walls in here a lot,’ Jess said.

  ‘Well, that’s different. I’ve punched a few walls over your cancer, too.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jess said quietly. ‘I’m sorry my stupid cancer’s caused so much grief.’

  Luke grabbed her arm. It hurt, but she didn’t say anything. ‘Don’t you dare apologize. You’re an innocent victim. This should never have happened. It’s so unfair. I don’t understand it, Jess. Why? Why you?’ He loosened his grip.

  ‘Don’t ask yourself why, Luke. I did, and it doesn’t get you anywhere. I’ve accepted it now and it’s so much better that way. It’s the only way to deal with it. When Larry died I was so angry with the world. But it didn’t help. I have to accept that this is life. There is no why. There is just the life you’re given and the cards you’re dealt. These are my cards.’

  Luke shook his head. ‘I don’t want you to die, Jess. I just can’t handle it. You deserve a long, happy life. It’s just not fair.’

  ‘I know, Luke, but I’m going to die and you have to accept it. I’m tired. I’m tired of treatment, I’m tired of feeling like crap all the time, I’m tired of hospitals and doctors and needles and drugs and rashes and vomiting and X-rays and bone-marrow transfusions and false hope. Most of all I’m tired of that. The hope. There are no miracles. This is it and I’m okay with it. Please try to be too.’

  Luke rubbed his wet eyes with the back of his shirt sleeve. ‘I’ll try, Jess.’

  Aideen popped her head around the door. ‘Time to go home, hero,’ she said.

  Luke bent down and kissed Jess, then pressed his forehead against hers for a few seconds. ‘I love you, Jess.’

  ‘I love you, Luke.’

  She watched him leave, then closed her eyes and let sleep take her away from the pain.

  39

  Kate was making herbal tea in the kitchen when her phone beeped. It was a message from Nick: I’m outside. Need to talk. Can I come in?

  Kate looked at the clock. It was almost eleven p.m. How had he managed to get out of his apartment? She felt bone tired. The last thing she wanted was to have a conversation with an overwrought Nick, but if he needed to talk, she couldn’t turn him away. She went to the front door and opened it. He was sitting in his car at the kerb. She raised her hand to beckon him in.

  ‘Would you like tea?’ she asked, as they walked into the kitchen.

  ‘No, I’m fine,’ Nick said.

  Kate sat down heavily on a chair, but Nick paced up and down, up and down, the nervous energy sparking off him. He was wound up and she felt exhausted just by his physical presence.

  ‘Sit down, Nick,’ she said. ‘You’re making me dizzy with all that striding about.’

  For a second he seemed about to argue. Then he took a deep breath and sat down across from her. He began to drum his fingers on the table. Kate massaged her temples. ‘What is it, Nick? What do you need to talk about?’

  ‘She has to try it,’ he said. ‘She can’t give up. Come on, Kate. We need to be united on this. It’s the only way to get her to agree.’

  Kate looked at the bags under his eyes, his pale face, his twitchy body, and she felt sorry for him. But she also felt the weight of his blind hope, like an anchor pulling them all down. How could she counter him? ‘She’s too weak, Nick. Any more treatment will kill her. She’s begged us both to stop. She can’t take any more.’

  ‘She has to,’ he said urgently, leaning forward. ‘She can’t give up. We can’t give up. I won’t, Kate, I bloody won’t. She has to fight. We’re not quitters, we’re fighters.’

  ‘It’s not a war, Nick. Jess isn’t a soldier fighting the enemy. She’s a little girl with cancer,’ Kate said, pleading with him to understand. ‘You have to stop pressurizing her. She’s so frail and weak and sick.’

  ‘I can’t, Kate.’ His face crumpled. ‘I can’t let her go. We have to give it one more shot. It might work.’

  ‘Nick, all the experts have told us it will cause her more pain and will probably kill her.’ Kate sighed. ‘You can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. It’s her body. We have to respect her wishes, Nick.’

  He glared at her, the anger seeping out of him, filling the room. ‘She’s a child, Kate, we’re the adults. She doesn’t know what she wants. She told me she wanted to die. She said …’ his voice cracked ‘… she said, “Please, Dad, I just want the pain to stop and for it to be over.” I mean, Jesus Christ, Kate,’ he was shaking now, as if his body was cold, ‘she doesn’t know what she’s saying. The drugs are messing with her mind. She asked me to … well, she kind of suggested I or someone else help her stop the pain. She’ll probably say the same to you. I told her no way. We are her parents. We are the ones who have to keep her alive and make her do treatment to save her.’

  Tears ran down Kate’s cheeks. ‘She’s not a child when it comes to cancer and pain. She knows far more about it than we do. And only she knows how much she can take. I know it’s awful, I hate it too, but there comes a point when –’

  ‘I will not give up on her, Kate, and you’re a bad mother if you do. We have to do everything possible to save her. Even if it’s only a one per cent chance, we have to seize it. I will not let her go. I need you to stand with me on this. For God’s sake, Kate, this is our daughter’s life we’re talking about here.’

  Kate could feel her own
anger rising. She was struggling to remain composed. Yes, she felt for him, but why was he being wilfully blind to reality? ‘Do you honestly think I want to let her go? Jesus, Nick, I love her as much as you do. She’s my baby. This is killing me. I want her to try more treatment, too, but I also don’t want her last weeks to be full of pain and suffering.’

  ‘She’s going to suffer anyway!’ Nick shouted. ‘She either dies without trying more treatment or she tries and maybe, just maybe, it works. It’s a no-brainer! She has to do it! Jesus, Kate, why don’t you get it? We have to try everything, and I mean everything, to keep Jess alive. That’s our bloody job, Kate, to protect her and keep her safe and alive.’

  ‘Keep your voice down! The last thing I need is the boys to hear you.’ She steadied her breathing again. ‘Please, Nick. We can’t force her. It’s ultimately her choice.’

  ‘Bullshit! We’re her parents. We make the decisions. She’s just tired and feeling low. Of course she doesn’t want any more treatment, but in a few days, when she’s feeling better, she’ll change her mind and she’ll be glad we persuaded her to do it.’

  ‘She has begged us not to, Nick,’ Kate reminded him. Nick closed his eyes, as if trying to block out her words, block out their reality, but this was it. It was happening now and she had to make him see. ‘All of the professionals we’ve spoken to said that more treatment will be incredibly aggressive and most likely kill her, Nick. I’d never forgive myself if that happened after she begged us not to do it. I won’t do that to her. I can’t.’

  Nick opened his eyes and stared at her. ‘You’re being weak, Kate,’ he said coldly. ‘You need to grow some balls and step up to your responsibilities here.’

  That was it. Kate felt a white-hot streak in her brain and lost the battle to stay calm.

  ‘Don’t you dare call me weak!’ she said, her jaw clenched tight, her hands balled into fists. ‘I’ve been there every single day, holding Jess’s hand and watching her suffer, while you breeze in and out whenever you manage to get off the leash Jenny has you on.’

  Nick slammed his hand on the table. ‘That’s crap! I’ve been there as much as possible. I’ve got more ties than you, that’s all. I have to work and I have to see Jaden and Jenny, too.’