The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Oh, poor you, Nick. I have such an easy life. I’m only raising Luke and Bobby basically alone, and helping Dad in the café every spare minute I have. You’re no busier than me, I can assure you.’

  ‘Spare me the martyr act, Kate, you’re not raising them alone.’

  ‘Really, Nick? How much time have you spent with your sons in the last six months?’

  ‘Here we go! I’m the bad father again. I’ve seen the boys as much as I could. No matter what I do, someone’s pissed off with me. I can’t win.’

  ‘Maybe if you hadn’t cheated on me your life would be a lot simpler.’ Kate sat back, arms folded, cheeks flushed. In a way, the fight was almost a relief. She needed to lash out and she’d gladly punch someone too. Nick wouldn’t stand a chance against her. She felt like she could pick him up and break him in two. She was fearless – and that felt good in its own way.

  ‘Don’t start with that shit now, Kate. I know I messed things up royally. Believe me, I’m the one who’s paying for it.’

  ‘Poor you,’ Kate snapped.

  ‘Jesus, Kate, can we please not argue about Jenny now? I’ve paid for my mistake and, yes, I know you did, too, and the kids and, yes, I know I’m a selfish prick and all the other names you’ve called me, but please can we just focus on Jess right now? I don’t have the energy for anything else. Please.’

  Kate’s anger began to slide away. Looking at him, she saw he was a broken man already. There was nothing she could do to him that could hurt him more. Jess had only weeks to live: that was the reality they were both facing and trying to deal with. Nick could be an idiot, but he was still Jess’s father and he adored her. And Kate had loved him, too, once. When Jess was born, those were really happy times. She felt a stab of guilt at ever thinking she wanted to hurt him. What was wrong with her? This whole situation was making her crazy.

  She looked across the table at her ex-lover, her ex-husband, Jess’s father, and she knew the only way through this was together.

  ‘Do you remember the day Jess was born, with the big thunderstorms?’

  Nick was clearly surprised by her change of tack. Then his face softened. ‘Of course I do, like it was yesterday. I knew then she’d be special.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘And she is, isn’t she, Kate?’ he said sadly.

  ‘Yes, Nick, she is.’

  He sighed deeply. ‘I know I’m not a great father to the boys, I know I need to try harder, but with Jess I feel I did a good job.’ He pulled at the bandage wrapped around the finger he’d broken, punching the wall in the hospital. ‘Mind you, it wasn’t hard. She was always the sweetest thing.’

  Kate smiled. ‘Yes, she was – she still is. She’s the glue in our family. She’s the one who worries about everyone and tries to fix things.’

  Nick nodded. ‘Your mum used to say she was an old soul, and she was absolutely right. Jess has always been mature beyond her years.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Kate agreed. ‘There’s just something different about Jess, something special.’

  They sat in the kitchen and reminisced. It was nice, sitting together, talking about Jess the way only parents can, boasting, proud, over-exaggerating her achievements, talents and all-round incredibleness.

  Nick talked and talked, crying in parts, laughing in others. Kate held his hand and listened, joining in, jogging his memory, laughing and crying with him.

  Finally, Nick looked up at the clock. ‘God,’ he said, rubbing his hand across his face. ‘Sorry, I’ve kept you up late.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be sleeping anyway,’ Kate said. ‘Will you get into trouble?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nick said, with a half-smile. ‘But that’s nothing new.’

  ‘It’s hard on Jenny, too,’ Kate said. ‘She’s probably feeling very left out and low down in the pecking order in your life.’

  Nick nodded wearily. ‘I do know. But it’s just … times like this …’

  Kate understood. ‘Times like this, you need to talk to me?’

  He nodded again. ‘We’re her mother and father, only we feel this same pain.’

  ‘I know,’ Kate said. ‘But that’s hard on Jenny, too. Even though it’s just the way things are.’

  ‘Thanks for letting me come in,’ Nick said, standing up.

  ‘Sorry I got so thick with you earlier,’ Kate said.

  ‘Me too. It’s all just so … impossible,’ he said, his shoulders sagging again.

  He walked over and held Kate in a long hug. In that moment Kate realized they could be friends. With things about to get really awful, with the loss of their beautiful Jess, they’d need each other to lean on. When it came to the children, love went deeper than everything else.

  Spring

  * * *

  40

  Piper stood sideways in front of the bathroom mirror in her bra and pants. She was really showing now. At almost seven months, her bump was really growing. It was hard being in school with it. She felt like a freak. Thank God it was her final year. Once the exams were over, she’d be free of her stupid uniform and the constraints of school.

  It was so kind of Maggie to offer them her apartment. She called it her pension fund. It was small but perfect and close enough to both families, but not too close. It was a one-bedroom on the ground floor, with a tiny garden.

  ‘That means you can sit out with the baby in the summer and not be stuck indoors,’ Maggie had said, when she’d shown it to them. ‘Now, look, I’m not taking any rent for the first six months and that’s final. After that, when you get settled in college and work out part-time jobs and childcare, we can talk about it. But for the first six months it’s on me. Consider it my baby-shower present.’

  Piper felt bad about Maggie being so generous, but Maggie had insisted. ‘Luke is the closest thing to a child I’ll ever have and I love him. I want the best for him and you. Kate needs to focus on Jess, so I’m happy to take this on. There will be no more discussion about it and no more thank-yous. It’s my pleasure to do this.’

  Piper’s mum wasn’t sure about the arrangement at first, but she’d met Maggie, and Maggie had explained she was Luke’s honorary aunt, had no kids and it was a gift. She said she thought it best for Luke and Piper to be together when the baby was born and to figure it all out between them. Also, Luke might feel left out if Piper was living at home: it was his baby, his responsibility, and he wanted to be involved from the get-go. This was a way of letting him do that.

  Maggie had been very persuasive and Olivia had come around to the idea. But she told Piper that if she preferred to stay at home, Luke could move in when the baby came. It would mean Pauline would have to sleep with the twins or else they’d put bunk-beds in Posy’s tiny box room. Piper was grateful to her for offering, but she knew it would be a complete nightmare. Especially with her dad still barely speaking to her. She was so glad Maggie was there to save the day.

  The door burst open and the twins came in. ‘Oh, my God!’ Penny squealed.

  ‘Argh.’ Poppy covered her eyes.

  ‘Put some clothes on! You look like a freak,’ Penny said.

  ‘It’s like there’s an alien in there,’ Poppy said.

  ‘Your stomach’s all stretched and gross.’

  ‘It’ll never be the same,’ Poppy assured her. ‘They say after you have a baby, the skin on your stomach never goes back to the way it was.’

  Penny frowned. ‘I dunno, Poppy. Look at Nicole Richie, she’s, like, super-slim and so is Kourtney Kardashian.’

  ‘Yeah, but they probably had a tummy tuck when they were having their babies. That’s what all the celebs do.’

  Penny turned to Piper. ‘You should definitely do that. You don’t want to be all saggy and flabby after the baby comes out. Luke is hot – you need to look good to keep him.’

  ‘Definitely,’ Poppy agreed. ‘He’ll totally go off with someone else if you turn into a fat lump.’

  ‘Thanks a lot, girls. You really know how to cheer me up.’ Piper pulled on
her dressing-gown.

  Penny picked up her mascara wand and began coating her eyelashes. ‘What’s wrong? We’re just helping you, Piper. We’re trying to make sure you don’t end up a single mum pushing a buggy around the park in a saggy tracksuit all day.’

  ‘Everyone knows that if you look like crap, you’ll feel like crap,’ Poppy, the mothering expert, said.

  ‘Totally,’ Penny agreed. ‘Kim Kardashian was, like, totally miserable when she had her baby because she whacked on so much weight. But she knew she had to lose it or Kanye would be humping one of his backing singers or whatever, so she focused like mad and got her figure back and started wearing all sexy clothes and everything was fine.’

  Piper put her hands up. ‘I can’t listen to another word of this drivel.’ She pushed past them.

  ‘Oh, Piper,’ Penny called after her, ‘seeing as you’re kind of a whale now and can’t fit into any normal clothes, can I borrow your skinny black jeans?’

  ‘No way. I love those jeans and I plan to wear them again when I’m not a whale, after my tummy tuck,’ Piper snapped.

  ‘Are you going to get a tummy tuck?’ Posy asked, coming out of her bedroom in her school uniform with her bag on her back.

  ‘Of course not. Those two are just telling me what a heifer I am and that I need one.’

  Posy’s eyes widened. ‘They’re so mean. You look beautiful, Piper. All glowy and healthy.’

  Piper smiled at her youngest sister. ‘Thanks, Posy. I know I do look a bit like a whale, but it’s sweet of you to say so.’

  ‘They can be right cows. As you always say to me, Piper, just ignore them.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I will.’

  ‘Will I wait for you?’ Posy asked.

  ‘No, go ahead. I’m going to take my time today. I’ll just make you late for school.’

  ‘See you later.’ Posy skipped down the stairs, followed by the twins, who were arguing over a lipstick.

  Piper lay down on her bed, enjoying the peace and quiet. She wasn’t feeling well and her stomach was cramping. She must have eaten her breakfast too quickly. She closed her eyes and waited for the cramps to pass. But they didn’t.

  A moment later she felt something trickle down between her legs. She sat up and looked. Blood. Oh, no. Please, no. She began to shake. She stood up on wobbly legs and stumbled to the bathroom. More blood ran down her thighs.

  Her mother had gone to college early with Pauline. She knew she should call Luke, but he had his Irish oral exam this morning and she didn’t want to ruin that for him. Oh, God. There was only one person in the house.

  Piper pulled on tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie. Clinging to the banisters, she made her way carefully down the stairs. She went through the kitchen, out of the back door and across the garden to her father’s shed. She could see him typing furiously on his laptop.

  She knocked on the door. He frowned, stood up and opened it. ‘What?’

  ‘Help,’ Piper gasped, holding her stomach as another cramp doubled her over.

  ‘Jesus, Piper! Is it the baby?’ Seamus held her up.

  ‘I need to go to hospital, Dad.’

  ‘Of course. Come on, we’ll get you there.’

  Seamus half carried her to the car, helped her into the front seat and buckled her seatbelt. He then hopped in and drove like a maniac towards the hospital.

  Piper sat crouched in the front seat. Please, God, don’t take my baby away. Please, she prayed.

  ‘You’re going to be all right, love,’ Seamus kept saying. ‘It’ll be okay.’

  He screeched to a halt outside A&E and ran in, shouting, ‘My daughter needs help! She’s pregnant and she’s bleeding! Help! HELP!’

  A nurse came out and helped Piper into a wheelchair. While her father went to move the car, Piper was wheeled into the waiting room where her details were logged into a computer. Then she was taken for an ultrasound.

  As the gel was being applied to her stomach her dad rushed in, pulling back the curtain. ‘Is she okay? Is my girl okay? Is the baby all right?’

  ‘We’re just checking now. We need you both to be calm.’

  The sonographer moved the scanner probe over Piper’s stomach and stopped. Piper held her breath. She loved this baby. She wanted this baby. This baby was part of her. She couldn’t bear for anything to happen to it.

  Then she heard it, the beautiful sound. The sound of a horse’s hoofs, galloping galloping … Her baby’s heartbeat.

  ‘The baby’s fine.’ The sonographer smiled. ‘Everything looks good. Sometimes bleeding can happen when pregnancy hormones cause you to develop more sensitive, expanded blood vessels. But the baby is fine and the placenta looks perfectly healthy, too, so please don’t worry.’

  Piper burst into tears. Beside her, her father, holding her hand and staring at his grandchild on the scanner, wiped away a tear. ‘Will you look at that?’ he said, amazed.

  The sonographer smiled at him. ‘I take it you’re Granddad,’ she said.

  Seamus nodded.

  ‘And this is your first time to see the baby?’

  He nodded silently again, never taking his eyes off the screen.

  ‘It’s a pretty special moment,’ the sonographer said, running the probe over again, so they could see the baby in utero from every angle. ‘It won’t be long now before you’re holding this little one in your arms.’

  ‘Jesus,’ said Seamus, utterly gobsmacked.

  ‘You’ll need to take it easy for a few days,’ the sonographer told Piper. ‘It’s important to get some rest after a bleed. You need to put your feet up and tell this man here to wait on you.’

  Piper nodded, unable to speak. She felt suddenly exhausted after the whole drama.

  Seamus patted her shoulder. She glanced up at him. He was gazing at her intently. ‘We’ll make sure she relaxes, Doctor.’

  ‘Good. She needs it. She looks tired.’

  ‘Sure the poor girl is worn out,’ Seamus said. ‘Between studying for her exams and the stress of the baby, and her boyfriend’s sister is very sick too. Piper’s always the one who helps everyone. The most selfless girl you could meet.’

  The sonographer smiled as she wiped the gel from Piper’s stomach. ‘Your dad clearly thinks very highly of you.’

  ‘I used to think so,’ Piper said quietly.

  The sonographer shot her a look. ‘Okay, folks, you’re free to go,’ she said. ‘We’re here if you have any worries at all, Piper.’

  They stepped outside the room and Seamus suddenly grabbed her in a tight hug. ‘I’m sorry, pet,’ he said. ‘I’ve been all caught up in myself. I was just worried about you being so young and having a baby and your future and all of that. But it doesn’t matter. We’ll all help you. And I’m proud of you, Piper, more proud than I can say. Sure you’re the light of my life.’

  Piper buried her face in her father’s woolly jumper and bawled. Tears that had been buried deep came gushing up. She’d been so hurt by his coldness and disappointment, and it was a huge relief to know he still loved her and would support her.

  ‘Now listen to me,’ Seamus said sternly. ‘I want you to rest. Enough running around doing things for Luke and his sister and everyone else. You are coming home with me and I’m tucking you up in bed. Then you’re going to sleep and relax. No studying today either. You must mind yourself, pet, for yourself and the baby.’

  Seamus put his arm around her as they walked slowly out of the hospital. In the car, Piper leant her head back and smiled to herself. She’d thought her father would be angry with her for ever. She was so glad he’d changed his mind. She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her chest and she could breathe again.

  When they got home, Seamus ordered her into bed, then brought her up a cup of tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits. ‘Now, I’m going to work in the kitchen today, and if I hear you move, I’ll be up like a shot to get you back into that bed. You’re exhausted, pet. You need a good sleep.’ He closed the curtains and kissed her forehead.


  ‘Thanks, Dad,’ she said, feeling like a kid again and enjoying it immensely. It was lovely to be looked after.

  ‘Right, I’ll leave you to it. Sleep well, and if you need anything, just shout.’ As he was leaving the room, he said softly, without turning around, ‘I love you, Piper.’

  ‘I love you too, Dad.’ She saw him smile as he closed the door.

  Piper snuggled down in the bed and took out her phone to call Luke. But then she stopped. He didn’t need to know. Everything was fine. The baby was perfect. He had enough worries. Piper closed her eyes and savoured the feeling of warmth spreading through her body and her heart. She had her dad back and it felt wonderful. Knowing he still loved her made everything so much better.

  41

  Jess began to cry, jerky sobs that shook her tiny body. ‘It hurts, Mum, it really hurts.’ The pain was getting worse by the day, and the intravenous morphine drip wasn’t enough any more.

  Her mother called Aideen, who appeared, like an angel, at the door. An angel of mercy, Jess thought. ‘She needs more morphine. There isn’t enough pain relief in the drip,’ Mum said.

  ‘No problem. We’ll give the poor dote a booster.’ Aideen came over and adjusted the drip. Jess closed her eyes and welcomed the relief. ‘Is there anything else I can get you?’ she asked.

  Jess shook her head.

  ‘All right. You try and get some sleep now.’ She watched as Jess’s eyes fluttered, then closed. To Kate, she said, ‘She’ll be more comfortable now. I’ll pop back in to check on her in a bit.’

  Fighting the sleep that was overwhelming her, Jess opened her eyes and looked at her mother, who was exhausted. Jess hated what her cancer had done to her whole family. It was enough, it was time. She had to tell her mother now, before it got worse.

  ‘Mum,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, love?’ She leant over, putting her ear close to Jess’s mouth.

  ‘I need to ask you to do something.’

  ‘Anything, my darling.’

  Jess took a deep breath. She’d gone over this speech in her mind a thousand times. She had to get it right. She glanced up at the dandelion card and felt Larry’s presence. ‘Mum, I know I’m going to die and I’ve accepted it. Over the last eight months I’ve had no control over anything. But I can control this. I can control how I leave this world. I don’t want to die on a day when I get an infection and I’m vomiting blood and can’t breathe. I don’t want to die like that, when I’m not expecting it. I want to go when I decide to. I can’t fight any more, Mum. I just don’t have the energy. I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but it’s beaten me. I need you to help me, Mum. I need you to help me die.’