The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Jess watched her mother’s face. Kate didn’t move. She was completely still, bent over her daughter’s body, her ear close to Jess’s mouth, catching every unbelievable syllable. Jess saw the pain and sorrow in her eyes. Please say yes, she prayed. Please, Mum.

  Her mother tried to compose herself, but tears streamed down her face. Jess hated seeing her so upset, but she needed this. She would not let cancer dictate to her any more. This was the one decision she could make, and she was going to make it.

  The light from the lamp on the bedside locker framed her mother in silhouette. She was a blend of light and shadow, like the line between night and day. Between life and death.

  ‘I know it’s a terrible thing to ask,’ Jess whispered, ‘but if you love me, Mum, if you really love me, you’ll help me. I know you will. I want to die in my own way. Everything has been stripped away from me. I’m just a shell, Mum. I have no life. I can’t stand the pain any more. I hate it. I hate what I’ve become. I’m not me. This isn’t Jess.’ She began to cry again. Damn, she’d promised herself she’d remain calm and in control.

  Her mother breathed out, and slowly found the ability to move again. She put her arms around Jess. ‘But you are. You are you. You’re still the wonderful, beautiful, amazing Jess we all adore. We love you, Jess. We want every second that we can get with you. I can’t cut your life short. I need you, Jess. Every minute I have with you is a gift. I can’t cut that short.’

  Jess stopped crying and pulled herself together. She had to make her mother see. She had to make her understand that by helping her die she was doing the best and kindest thing she could do. ‘Mum, please, listen. I know it’s going to be hard for you, but I’m begging you. There is nothing better that you can do for me. It’s what I want more than anything in the world, Mum. Please do this for me. You’ve always been there for me. You can do this, Mum. I know you love me enough to do it. You’re the only person who can. No one loves me the way you do. That’s why I have to ask you to do this. I’m sorry, but I want this more than anything. I’m ready.’

  Jess waited while her mother struggled to find words. Finally she said, ‘I understand why you want to do this. You’ve had such a terrible time. And I want to help you more than anything in the world, but, Jess, how can I let you go when the thought of it just rips me apart?’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘Your dad said you mentioned this to him and he flipped out,’ she whispered. ‘How can I possibly say yes?’

  Jess shook her head. ‘I said it to him to see his reaction. I knew he’d freak out. But I just wanted to plant the seed in his mind. I know he can’t do it. You’re the only one who can because you’re the one who loves me the most.’

  ‘Yes, I do love you the most, which is why I’m the last person who can do this. You’re my only daughter, Jess. You’re my baby girl. I … You don’t understand … to lose a child. Jess, what you’re asking, it’s too much.’

  Jess dug deep. She dug down to her toes. She had to be strong. ‘Mum, it’s only going to get worse. I’m going to be in more pain and sleeping all the time and slipping in and out of consciousness. And it’s going to happen anyway, no matter what we do. I want to control this one last thing. I know I could possibly live for another month or so, but I can’t do it, Mum. It’s not a life. This isn’t living. This is dying all the time, and I want to do it my way. Please, Mum, please do this for me. It’s the right thing, I promise you.’

  Her mother was crying now. ‘But what if …’

  ‘… a miracle happens and I get better?’ Jess was getting angry. ‘I’m not getting better. There is no cure. It’s over and we all know it. Even Dad knows it deep down. I’m begging you, Mum, help me.’ Jess’s strength began to fade and she turned her head to cry into her pillow.

  Her mother came over and lay down beside her, holding her, stroking her face, kissing her cheek. ‘Don’t get upset, sweetheart, please don’t cry. You’ve taken me by surprise. I need time to process this. I need to think about it. Can you give me a day or two? It’s such a huge decision. Can you give me some time?’

  Jess nodded. ‘Okay, but please don’t take long, Mum. I need to know. I need to know this will soon be over. You’re the best mum in the world. I know you can do this.’

  As her mother’s tears landed on her cheek, Jess felt herself drifting as the morphine took over her body and mind. Jess prayed as sleep crept up on her: Help me, Mum … If you love me, help me die.

  42

  Kate left the hospital, walking quickly down the quiet corridors. She went straight to her car, sat inside and bent her head to the steering-wheel. She waited for the tears to come, but they didn’t. She felt emptied out, hollowed. She had moved beyond tears into some kind of shocked space where she simply couldn’t believe that this was her life.

  How the hell was she going to make the decision?

  She picked up her phone and stared at it. She couldn’t ring Nick: he’d come straight here and scream blue murder at her. He’d be disgusted with her for even considering it. A part of her wanted to hear her father’s voice, but she knew this was too big to confide in him. It would be a huge burden to put on someone else, to ask them to share the decision with her. There was only one person she trusted absolutely one hundred per cent.

  The phone rang at the other end and Kate held her breath.

  ‘You’ve reached Maggie O’Neill. I’m not available to take your call, but please leave a message.’

  ‘Damn,’ Kate breathed. Maggie’s phone beeped. ‘Em … oh, hi, it’s just me. Nothing important. Everything’s okay here. Was just ringing for a chat. I’ll try you tomorrow.’

  She threw her phone onto the passenger seat and her stomach churned, as if she was going to be sick. She stared up at the hospital, counting the windows across on the third floor to the one she knew was Jess’s. Up there her daughter lay dying. The grief of that was fathoms deep, and now Jess wanted to die early, to go sooner – and Kate was the one she’d turned to for help to do that. How can this be happening? Kate thought, her head aching. It was a nightmare there was no waking up from.

  She had a sudden idea and knew where she wanted to be. She buckled up her seatbelt, turned the key in the ignition, put the car into gear and drove away from her daughter, turning onto the motorway as the stars came out and the moon rose higher in the sky.

  She didn’t remember any of the journey, other than the vague impression of lampposts forming a tunnel down which she drove. She drove on automatic pilot, hearing Jess’s voice over and over again: ‘I know you can do this … You love me the most …’

  Eventually, she reached the turn-off and followed it to the little car park. Everything was silent. There wasn’t a soul about. She locked the car and made for the steep path, walking fast up it, enjoying the sensation of her lungs burning with effort. She didn’t stop once, just pushed on across the forested area and then to the clearing. Below the cliff’s edge, the waves crashed against the rock. The grass was springy and tough beneath her feet as she walked to the edge. The moon was high enough to provide some light, but the shapes around her were still only half formed, made mostly of darkness.

  Kate sat down and watched and listened, taking in the sounds and smells of the night. She breathed deeply, slowing her racing heartbeat, trying to be in the moment as the mindfulness teacher had shown them. She felt she needed to be calm now, to think clearly so that she could make the right choice.

  What had really struck her about Jess was how serious and determined she had looked – it was the face of someone who had thought long and hard about their decision. She had said, ‘I’m ready,’ and Kate had to admit that she had looked ready. There had been no fear in her eyes, no hesitation in her voice. She had never seemed more grown-up than in that moment. She had known exactly what she was asking and why.

  Kate could understand her desire to take control now. She really could. When your life is reduced to constant pain and suffering, who wouldn’t want to say, ‘Enough’? So was it becau
se of Jess’s age that she had been so shocked by what she had said? That was probably some of it, yes. How could a twelve-year-old be so sure they wanted to leave this world? But, then, Jess was no ordinary twelve-year-old.

  It hurt, though – it really hurt that Jess was ready to give up and leave them all. When she had said she was ready to die, she was also saying she was ready to leave her family. That part Kate couldn’t bear.

  But was it fair? None of them could feel her physical pain. It always seemed impossible from the outside that someone could want to die, but if you were living in a body racked with pain, it was probably the case that you reached a point of acceptance and the desire to end it. And, by God, Jess had suffered. Kate had watched her go through hell, her poor body battered and bruised, pushed to the limits of pain. Who could blame her for wanting it to stop?

  Kate shifted about, then lay down to be more comfortable. She gazed up at the stars.

  ‘My daughter is going to die,’ she said out loud. It was the first time she’d spoken those words. She felt the weight of them, even if they didn’t feel quite real yet. Her mind kept resisting them, blocking them, arguing with them, telling her it couldn’t be true. ‘It’s true,’ she said to the stars. ‘My daughter is going to die.’

  But could she help her to die, hasten her death? She felt a cold lump in the bottom of her stomach at the thought of it. No matter the motive, it was still killing. Kate hadn’t done an illegal or wrong thing in her life. It wasn’t the way she was made. She wouldn’t hurt anyone, wouldn’t want to, but now her own child wanted her to kill her. That was the truth of it – and if anyone ever discovered what had happened, that was how the police would see it. Kate would be a murderer in the eyes of the law, pure and simple. Could she risk that? What about Luke and Bobby? What if she got caught? In order to fulfil Jess’s last wish, she could be setting up a lifetime of pain for her sons. Was that fair?

  Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She looked at it. It was 2.05 a.m., the bright screen told her. How had it got so late so quickly? The message was from Maggie: Probably too late, but I’m here now if you need me.

  Kate stared at the words. Did she need her? Yes, it would be great to talk it over with her, but it really was too big a thing to ask of Maggie. It would implicate her as well. Kate put her phone away and tried to think of what Maggie’s advice would be. She’d be shocked – the idea of a twelve-year-old begging to die was shocking – but she felt that once she’d got over that, Maggie would probably say that Jess should be allowed to choose her own way to die. She’d probably tell Kate that the grief would be the same whether it happened tomorrow or in a month, so why not allow Jess to make the call?

  That’s true, Kate thought. It won’t actually change the aftermath for everyone else – they’ll be devastated no matter what. Yes, it will be different for me, living with the knowledge of what I did, but I’ll also be living with the knowledge that I did exactly what Jess wanted. I mean, if I were old and sick and asked my children to help me go, I’d be asking because I really wanted to do it. And I’d be hoping against hope that they’d have the guts to do it for me.

  Kate curled up on her side, smelling the grass and the soil and the salty air. She tried to put herself into Jess’s shoes, think herself out of her own body. If I were lying in a hospital bed, day after day, with tubes in my arms, vomiting, bleeding, soiling the bed, losing all my hair, the pain of mouth ulcers, watching my loved ones suffer over me, and the doctors told me death was now inevitable, how would I feel? What would I want? In her heart, Kate knew she would think just as Jess was thinking. She knew she would want to be allowed to die with dignity, by choice and before the bitter end.

  She felt her mind move towards ‘Yes’, but just as quickly it snapped shut again, screaming, ‘No!’ The thought of being without Jess, of her not being in the world … It hurt with a jagged, searing pain that made her hunch her shoulders and curl up as if she’d been stabbed. It just hurt so much. The prospect of burying her Jess, and soon, made her want to throw herself off the cliff. She didn’t want to be here if Jess wasn’t. It would be unbearable. But then … but then … but then … it was going to happen anyway. It was now inevitable. That was what the doctors had told them. She was going to have to find a way of living without Jess. Find a way of being a mother to Bobby and Luke and of being a grandmother to the new little one. Life would go on, no matter what.

  Kate rolled over onto her stomach and her whole body shook as she cried, gulping for air. She balled her hands into fists and hit the hard brown earth over and over again. Jess was going to die. She was going to be buried in this soil. She would be gone. Kate couldn’t change that.

  When she finally sat up, shivering with cold, her eyes sore from crying, limbs stiff from being so tensely held, she turned to face the sea and saw the dawn beginning to spread across the horizon. She watched, numb in mind and body, as the peachy pink colours became stronger, pinker. It was as if the whole heaving sea was holding its breath, waiting for the sun to come up above the horizon. Kate wrapped her arms tightly around her body and waited too.

  Her tired eyes saw the moment when the rim of the sun curved above the horizon line, the sudden shot of gold, bright and hot against the pinkish wash. She was on the edge of the world, wishing she could drop over the side.

  But she couldn’t. She was a mother, which meant you never got to give up. It was a relentless love that wouldn’t ever let you rest. She had to be a mother to Jess now, and to Bobby and Luke. And she had to help Piper be a mother in the years to come. Kate had to play her part. She couldn’t step back from it. That wasn’t an option.

  The sun rose higher, and Kate’s mind went back and forth, back and forth. I can do it. I can’t do it. Pros and cons, she said to herself wearily. Let’s do it that way. Okay, cons: Jess dies; maybe someone figures it out and I go to prison. Her mind drew a blank. That was it. Okay, pros: I give Jess her dying wish, which makes her die happy, with dignity and safe in the knowledge that I love her more than life itself.

  Kate bowed her head and squeezed her eyes shut. She had thought about it for hours but, really, she’d known deep inside all along that there was only one option. She was Jess’s mother, and her daughter needed this to make her happy, to take away her pain, to let her feel in control of her own life. Jess had asked her to love her by letting her go, and that was what Kate had to do.

  She stood up and stretched out her stiff body. The seagulls were wheeling across the sky now, screeching to each other, looking for food. The day had begun.

  Kate slowly retraced her steps, back through the forest, down the steep path, to the car. She reversed out of the car park, drove back to the exit onto the motorway, quiet in the early morning. Eventually she went through the gates of the hospital and parked the car. She walked slowly back inside, nodding good morning to the nurse at Reception. She went down the corridors she had passed through just hours before, feeling like a different person. She already felt like a culprit, as if they’d see it written on her face, what she was going to do. She reached Jess’s room and stopped outside, took a few deep breaths, rubbed her eyes, then pushed back her shoulders and went in.

  She sat on the side of the bed and watched as Jess came back from sleep. The first noise she made, before she’d even opened her eyes, was a whimper of pain. Her eyes opened and she saw Kate. She smiled at her. ‘Mum.’

  ‘I’m here,’ Kate said.

  ‘What time is it?’ Jess asked.

  ‘About six,’ Kate replied. ‘Early. I’ve been up all night, thinking.’

  Hope filled the beautiful brown eyes. ‘And?’

  ‘I love you, Jess,’ Kate said. ‘I love you more than anyone else in the world. From the day you were conceived I felt connected to you in a way no one could understand. The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. You were so longed for and so perfect. I love you in a way that has always scared me because, even before you got sick, I knew that level of love could mean the same level of
hurt one day. But I never in my wildest dreams imagined I’d be losing you.’ She smiled weakly. ‘It’s unimaginable for a mother to lose a child.’

  Jess bit her lip as tears came into her eyes. She couldn’t speak. Her eyes were trained on Kate’s, waiting, waiting.

  ‘Because I love you like that,’ Kate said, taking her hand, ‘I’m going to do as you’ve asked. If you’re absolutely, totally sure.’

  Jess nodded, still unable to speak, but she squeezed Kate’s hand.

  ‘I’ll help you die the way you want to,’ Kate whispered. ‘I’ll figure it out, and you can tell me when.’

  They sat there, unmoving, staring into each other’s eyes. Kate felt a sense of exquisite understanding, as if they’d come full circle and Jess was part of her again, part of her body and mind, as she had been in the womb. It was a strange feeling, but it was as if Jess was coming home, and that home was her. For the first time, Kate felt a small sense of relief – that it was the right decision, even though it would condemn her to a lifetime of hurt and to a secret that would burden her for ever. But she was Jess’s mother and that was her sacrifice, and she was going to make it because she loved her daughter enough to do it.

  43

  When her mother had left to go home for a few hours, Jess lay in her bed feeling a strange mix of emotions. She couldn’t quite believe she had agreed. She’d felt there was a chance she would, but seeing Mum’s face when she’d asked her had made her think that the chance was very small. But whatever had happened in her mind overnight, she had seen in her face that morning that she was now convinced by what Jess had said, that she would do it.