The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Of course you are. Isn’t he lucky to have you? But you need to mind yourself as well, Piper. This has been hard on you too.’

  Piper sniffed. ‘I miss Jess, Dad. I loved her. She was an amazing girl.’

  Seamus shook his head. ‘It’s a cruel world. You were so good to that child. Kate said you were the sister Jess never had. You’re a really wonderful, kind person. I don’t tell you that enough. I’m very proud of you.’ Seamus’s eyes filled with tears.

  Piper stood up, threw her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

  Piper knocked on the kitchen door, opened it and found Bobby sitting at the table, punching a lump of dough.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi. Do you want to punch?’

  ‘Sure.’ Piper stuck her fist into the dough.

  ‘It feels good, doesn’t it?’ Bobby said, pummelling hard with his little fists.

  ‘Yes, it does. Is Luke up?’

  ‘Nope. I looked into his bedroom and he’s asleep in his clothes with his headphones on. Mummy’s asleep too. She’s holding Whiskey really tight so I couldn’t bring him down with me. I gave him to her when I hearded her crying last night.’

  ‘That was really kind of you, Bobby. Where’s Granddad?’

  ‘He had to go out to the shops to get stuff.’

  ‘Have you had breakfast?’

  ‘I’m not hungry.’

  ‘Would you eat a little bit of something?’

  ‘No, thank you.’

  ‘If I made toast and put it on a plate, maybe you’d have a bite.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  Piper busied herself making toast.

  ‘Piper?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you believe in Heaven?’

  Piper paused. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think Jess is there?’

  ‘Definitely. They’re very lucky to have her too.’

  ‘I hate God for taking Jess away.’

  Piper buttered the toast. ‘I know, Bobby. It’s very hard to understand why.’

  ‘Mrs Lorgan said Jess died because all the best people die young and become guardian angels. She said Jess is sitting on my shoulder now, looking after me. Tommy said that was rubbish because his granddad died and he was mean and drank too much beer and shouted at his granny.’

  ‘What did Mrs Lorgan say?’

  ‘She said she was talking about children dying, not old people. But then Suzie started crying and saying she was a good girl and she didn’t want to die young and be a guardian angel. She wanted to be a pop star like Taylor Swift. Then Juliette started crying because she thought Suzie said Taylor Swift had died. She was, like, crying really hard and saying, “But I’ve got tickets for her concert.” Then I got super-cross because Taylor Swift isn’t dead, and even if she was, we don’t actually know her and my sister is dead and it’s way worser.’

  Piper tried not to smile. ‘They sound like silly girls.’

  Absentmindedly Bobby picked up a slice of toast and took a bite. ‘They are. They just don’t get it. No one does. Having your sister die is the baddest thing ever.’

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  ‘It’s worse than your dad leaving and having another baby. Way worse. It’s worse than your mum not getting up to bring you to school because she’s too sad to get dressed. It’s worse than your brother not speaking because he’s too sad to speak. It’s worse than – than anything.’ Bobby began to bawl.

  Piper rushed over and put her arms around him. ‘Oh, Bobby, you poor, poor boy. It’s just awful. I know how much you loved Jess and how much she loved you. You must miss her so much.’

  ‘I do,’ he sobbed. ‘She was the one who listened to me about my facts. I know people find them boring, but Jess always made me feel as if they were interesting. She listened to me when I told her about school too. Mummy and Granddad and Daddy and Luke and everyone else, they always say, “Not now, Bobby,” but Jess never said it, never. She was so nice and I wish she was still here. Everything is all upside-down and I want things to be back to normal the way they used to be, when we were happy and we laughed and had fun. It’s so quiet now all the time.’

  Piper handed him a tissue. She tried to find the right words to comfort the lost seven-year-old. ‘It’s really hard for you all. Everyone’s missing Jess and trying to cope in their own way, but it will get better, Bobby. I promise. You won’t stop missing Jess, but in a while you’ll be able to remember her and talk about her without it hurting so much. You and your mum and Luke will stop being sad all the time and it’ll be just some of the time and you’ll be happy again. It will probably take a while, but things will get better. You must try to believe that, Bobby. And I’m here if you ever need to talk.’

  Bobby hugged her, squeezing her bump. Then he pulled back suddenly. ‘Something moved!’

  Piper laughed. ‘It was the baby kicking, saying hello to his or her uncle.’

  Bobby’s eyes were wide. ‘Wow! I’m going to be an uncle!’

  ‘Yes, you are, and it’s a very important role. You’ll have to teach the baby all the things you know. They’ll look up to their uncle Bobby and come to you for advice and help.’

  Bobby frowned. ‘I’d better learn more stuff before they come out then. I need to know more facts to tell them.’ He ran out of the door and up the stairs, shouting, ‘I’m going to get my book.’

  Luke came in, hair askew, deep creases under his eyes. ‘What’s up with him?’

  Piper smiled. ‘Nothing. We just had a little chat.’

  Luke slumped down in a chair.

  ‘Coffee?’ Piper asked.

  ‘Please.’

  Piper made him a cup and set it in front of him. ‘You look exhausted.’

  Luke yawned. ‘Bad night.’

  ‘Nightmares?’

  ‘No, memories. Every time I think of Jess and a memory comes back, I feel as if someone’s punching me in the gut. It’s … I … It’s just so hard.’ He was bereft, she knew.

  Piper held his hand. ‘You loved her so much. It’s just awful.’

  ‘I wish my bone marrow had saved her. I feel as if I let her down.’ Tears streamed down his face.

  Piper kissed his hand. ‘You did everything you could, Luke. Nothing worked. The cancer was too aggressive. You tried and I was so proud of you, but it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.’

  ‘I wish none of this had happened. Why did it have to happen, Piper? Why Jess? Why our family?’

  Piper leant over and kissed his cheek. ‘There are no answers, Luke. It’s just cruel and awful, and I wish I could say something comforting to you. I’m sorry about the baby and dragging you down with all this responsibility and, well … I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Luke. I feel so useless.’

  Luke looked up at her. ‘Useless? Piper, you’re amazing, you’re the glue. Now Jess has gone, you’re the glue in our family. Look at you talking to Bobby this morning and coming here every day to make sure I get up and go to school and study. You’re the only thing that’s keeping me going. And the baby! Don’t you dare apologize! We both got into this and I want that baby. The baby is the one good thing in this whole nightmare. It’ll give Mum something to focus on, and Granddad and Bobby and me and you. Piper, I’m so glad you’re pregnant. I want our baby so much. More than ever. We need it – our family needs it.’

  Piper stared at Luke. It was the most he’d said in weeks. She felt tension flood out of her. It was going to be okay. Luke still wanted the baby and he’d said she was the glue. The glue! Tears of relief flowed down her face. Luke held her and kissed her.

  51

  Nick sat with Jaden passed out on his shoulder. The poor kid had a rotten cold and couldn’t sleep with his stuffy nose, so Nick had got up and walked him around the apartment until he’d finally dropped off. Little puffs of his breath tickled Nick’s neck, comforting him. He held him close and inhaled his baby smell.

  Since Jess had died, Nick hadn’t been able to
let go of Jaden. He needed him close all the time. When he cried at night, Nick jumped up to settle him. He liked having a baby to hold and look after. It distracted him, stopped him crying or wanting to punch the wall.

  He’d gone back to work a week after the funeral. He was there in body, but not in mind. He had no interest in selling stupid houses to stupid people. When a woman complained that the house he was showing her was a bit small for her taste, he’d wanted to shout, My daughter’s dead, you stupid, shallow bitch.

  He spent a lot of time in the bathroom or his car, crying. It was like a tsunami of tears. He couldn’t stop it. The pain of Jess’s death was crushing. On top of that was the rage and hate he felt towards Kate for robbing him of time. Time with Jess was all they’d had. Every second was precious. How could she take that away? How could she? Every time Nick thought about it he wanted to scream. It was eating him up inside.

  Jenny had booked him in to see a shrink. She said she was worried about him because he wasn’t sleeping and he was so angry all the time. She didn’t know why – he hadn’t told anyone. How could he tell them that his ex-wife was a murderer? He’d wanted to tell the police. He’d wanted to make her pay. He’d even picked up the phone a few times to report her, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do that to his boys. Their lives were messed up enough as it was.

  Careful not to wake his sleeping son, Nick slowly and gently placed him back in his cot and tiptoed out of the room. He went into the kitchen and took out Jess’s letter. He read it for the millionth time. I couldn’t take it any more … too much pain … begged her to do it … I love her for doing this …

  I love her for doing this. Nick looked out of the window into the dark night. He remembered Jess’s face on the last day of her short life, how happy she’d been. She knew, he thought. She knew it was all going to be over that night. That was why she’d been so happy.

  He thought back to her face when he’d tried to get her to do more chemo. How upset she’d been. Her thin, pale face crumpling and her eyes pleading, ‘No more, Dad.’

  But it still came back to Kate robbing him of time. Such precious time. Nick folded the letter and tucked it into the pocket of his suit jacket, which was hanging on the kitchen chair.

  The sun would be up soon and he’d have to get dressed, go to work and pretend everything was fine. When he’d first gone back, most of his colleagues had avoided him. Some gave him sad smiles and a few asked him how he was doing. But soon everyone moved on. People began to talk to him about work – houses, rentals, sales, margins, mortgages. He’d sit there listening but not hearing and wonder at their ability to actually give a shit about such trivial nonsense.

  My daughter’s dead, was all he could think, over and over in his mind. My daughter’s dead. He wanted to shout it out, he wanted to scream it in their faces. He wanted them to feel pain too. He wanted everyone to feel pain. Why Jess? Why her? Why his beautiful Jess? It wasn’t right or fair or even human.

  Jenny had been kind, gentle and caring, but she didn’t get it. The only person who knew how much this hurt, how badly the pain of Jess’s loss cut into his heart, was Kate.

  Nick wanted to talk to Kate. He wanted to talk about Jess and tell stories and share memories, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at her.

  The words came back into his mind – begged her to do it … I love her for doing this …

  Could he have done it? Could he have helped Jess put an end to her life? No. Why? Because he loved her too much. But Kate had said she’d done it because she loved her so much.

  What was love? What did it mean? If you loved someone, you kept them close. If you loved someone, you didn’t let them go. But what if they begged you? Nick’s head throbbed. He laid it on his arms and closed his eyes. He couldn’t go on like this. He had to see her. He had to speak to her and have it out with her. He had to understand how she could have done something so awful.

  He picked up his phone and texted her: Meet me in Café Cos tomorrow 9.30.

  She responded immediately: I’ll be there.

  Nick sat nursing his Americano, watching the door. He saw her come in. He barely recognized her: she looked old and hunched. Her hair was lank and her coat was too big for her. Her body bent forward, as if the weight of the world was pressing her down. She glanced around the café, then saw him. As she came towards him, he saw the deep black pockets under her eyes. She looks even worse than me, he thought.

  Kate sat down opposite him and closed her coat around her, shivering.

  ‘Coffee?’ he asked.

  ‘No, thanks, I’m fine. I’ve had three already.’

  ‘You look terrible,’ Nick said.

  Kate shrugged.

  ‘Guilt will do that to you, I suppose,’ he added.

  ‘Yes, grief, too,’ she said sadly.

  Nick leant in. ‘How could you do it, Kate? How could you?’

  Kate’s eyes were full of sorrow. ‘Because she asked me to. I told you, Nick, she begged me. She didn’t want to die alone, choking on her own blood. I was there the night she got the infection and vomited blood. It was horrifying. She was terrified. She was afraid of dying like that, and she didn’t deserve to go that way. She deserved better.’

  ‘She deserved to live!’ Nick shouted.

  The people at the table beside them turned to stare at them.

  Kate leant closer. ‘She deserved to choose how she died.’

  ‘She was twelve,’ Nick hissed. ‘She didn’t get to choose when to die.’

  ‘She wasn’t a normal twelve-year-old and you know it. She lived ten lives in the last few months. She was more mature than either of us. You said it yourself, Nick, that night in my kitchen. Remember? You said how my mum always called her an old soul, and you said that was right. That she was different from other kids her age, more mature. You know this, Nick, please. Jess knew she was dying before anyone else did. She knew the cancer was back. She was so broken, Nick, so frail and battered, she just couldn’t take it any more.’

  Nick gazed at her coldly, his whole body tense. ‘Every day I wake up and feel like puking because the pain of her loss is so bad. Then I want to kill you. I actually want to kill you for what you did. I could have had a few more weeks with her. I could have told her –’

  Kate cut across him. ‘Told her what? That you loved her? She knew. She knew how much she meant to you. You know she did. I’m sorry you’re angry, I understand why, but I did it for her, Nick. You have to believe me. I did it for Jess. Whatever you think about me, you know how much I loved her and you know I would have given my life for her.’

  Nick looked down at his coffee. ‘I want to know how you did it,’ he said quietly.

  Kate squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. ‘I drugged her.’

  ‘With what?’

  ‘Twenty-eight Xanax tablets and fourteen dissolvable Tylex.’

  Bile rose in his throat. He struggled to keep his emotions in check. ‘Jesus. How did you –’

  ‘Internet.’

  ‘You bought the drugs online?’

  ‘No. I got them from my GP. I pretended they were for me.’

  ‘Christ, Kate.’

  ‘I know it sounds completely insane, but it was for Jess. I would have done anything to make her happy.’

  ‘What was it like? What happened at the end?’ Nick’s voice shook. Part of him wanted to know about Jess’s last hours but another part didn’t.

  Kate bit her lip. ‘She went into a deep sleep and then, after about four hours, she stopped breathing. It was very peaceful. Before she drifted into sleep she smiled up at me and said, “I’m happy, Mum, I’m ready to go.”’

  Nick cursed under his breath. ‘How could you do it? I could never have done that. It’s not right. You should have talked her out of it.’

  ‘Nick, I tried, but Jess knew what she wanted. It was something she’d thought about a lot. She was determined to go out on her own terms. I know what I did was wrong and immoral and illegal. But
I granted Jess her final wish and that matters more to me than anything.’

  Nick ripped up a sugar pack and watched the grains bounce off the table. You have to let me go, Dad. Jess had said that. He could see her gaunt, sad face gazing up at him, her brown eyes pleading with him. She had wanted to go. She had wanted to do it her way.

  Nick looked at Kate, who was crying quietly. She was heartbroken. She was a shell of her former self. There was nothing he could do to make her feel worse or to hurt her more. The rage he’d felt since the moment he’d read Jess’s letter slowly began to subside.

  ‘It’s hell, isn’t it?’ he said.

  Kate nodded.

  ‘It just hurts so fucking much,’ he said.

  Kate sobbed into a tissue, unable to speak.

  ‘People keep saying it’ll get easier with time. I want to shout, “Good to know, because if it gets any harder, I’ll die of pain.”’

  Kate smiled. ‘I know. Or the people who say it was God’s will or there’s a reason for everything. Really? What possible reason could there be for a twelve-year-old girl to get cancer and die?’

  ‘I really hate the people who say she’s in a better place – to hell with you and your better place. With her family is where she should be, right here, right now.’ Nick banged the table with his fist, making the cup jump.

  ‘She was the core of our family. It’s so quiet and lonely without her.’ Kate was crying again.

  Nick wanted to reach out to her but he couldn’t: the anger was still there. ‘I hate that you did what you did,’ he said, ‘but I understand that it was what Jess wanted. I’m going to try to forgive you because the anger is eating me up inside. It’s destroying me and that’s not fair on Jaden and Jenny. I know you acted out of love, but it doesn’t make it right. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, but I will learn to live with it. And I won’t tell anyone. I owe that to Bobby and Luke. I just wish … I just wish we’d had more time.’ His voice broke.

  ‘I’m sorry, Nick. If there was any other way of granting Jess her wish, I would have chosen a different path. It was a nightmare. I think about it every single day, but she was happy, I promise you that.’