Rock My World

by Lee Piper

  When dawn finally broke, we hadn’t slept. Instead, we found ourselves with exhausted limbs entwined, internally pleading with time to stand still.

  It wasn’t fucking listening.

  The seconds and minutes ticked by, each sounding like the death toll on any future happiness we might once have had. So I cuddled in closer and Levi caressed one side of my face as I pressed my ear directly above his heart. Its reassuring beat comforted my own fitful one and helped me think. My mind drifted back to two years ago.

  “I still don’t understand, Dad.”

  The sun had slowly slunk behind the horizon and darkness crept across the sky in its place. However, the evening was mild and the waves were calm. Dad stood and brushed the sand off his suit pants before rolling them back down to where they belonged. “What don’t you understand, Grace?”

  Like always, we’d talked about whatever was on our minds. Tonight it was Mum. It truly surprised me when Dad said they would’ve been married for thirty-one years had they still been together. And despite the fact that he seemed reconciled with it all, I sure as hell wasn’t.

  I stood, not bothering to wipe the sand away from my shorts, it would all fall off eventually. “Well, you say you loved Mum more than anything in this world, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Despite everything she put you through.”

  “Yes.”

  I stopped, not sure how to proceed without sounding like the worst daughter of all time.

  “Spit it out, Monkey.”

  I half-smiled, half-grimaced at his openly expectant face and then hastily blurted, “Then why didn’t you fight harder? You know, to save your relationship. Why didn’t you make her stay? Make her see reason?”

  Dad smiled sadly down at me and I suddenly felt incredibly naïve despite not really knowing why. “But surely that’s what love is, isn’t it?”

  I crinkled my forehead, confused. “What? Not fighting for someone?”

  He shook his head. “No, love is being able to set them free. And if they don’t come back,” he shrugged, “I guess they never belonged to you in the first place.”

  I sighed.

  Somehow I had to get out of bed. Somehow, I had to function like a rational human being long enough to shower, dress and pack. Before leaving the man I’d fallen madly in love with. Surviving the next six weeks and beyond was going to be impossible if the mere thought of moving into the next room was enough to start me bawling. I scolded my overactive tear ducts and slowly sat up.

  And then cursed fate.

  She was an absolute bitch.

  How was it that today of all days, the man in front of me looked so damn beautiful? The bed sheet pulled back with my movement and it dropped away from him, revealing an unbelievably muscular upper body. One arm was resting behind his head, the other possessively clasped my hip and his intricate tattoos stood out starkly against the white mattress. But what really forced me to stop and take notice was Levi’s face. From the very start, those blue eyes had seen through my facade. They had dared me to stop hiding and in turn I’d told them my deepest, darkest secrets. That mouth had kissed every inch of my body, savoring its taste like a rare delicacy. It had shaped the three monumental words I never thought I would believe in ever again.

  I leaned forward and gently brushed my lips against his. He buried his hands in my hair, drawing me closer and our kiss deepened. I stroked his face and he groaned, it was the growling one I loved. However, I pulled back, looking down at his heated gaze. “I need to get ready.”

  “No you don’t.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “Yes I do. I’ve got a job to go home to, remember?”

  “Quit.”

  I sat up, staring at him. The man was deadly serious.

  “I mean it. Quit. Move here with me.” His voice lowered. “I need you, kitten.”

  “I need you too,” I whispered, “but I also need to work.”

  “I’m not asking you to stop working, I’d never do that.” His eyes lit up. “What if you transferred here? There are heaps of high schools in Victoria to choose from. You could even ask dickhead Aemon if his school is hiring. That asshole would fucking jump at the chance to have you working with him.”

  I stayed silent, letting him talk, knowing that he had to get this off his chest.

  “We could find our own place, make our own life together, you know? Make a real go of it.”

  Hearing him say this out loud was enough to make my heart break even further. But it was impossible.

  “And what about Riley? Or when you go on tour? Think about it, Levi. You’re asking me to move away from the only family I have, to a city I barely know, all the while knowing that you won’t even be around for most of it.”

  He looked away.

  My voice softened. “Honey, you know it’s not fair to ask that of me.”

  He stayed silent.

  “Though it doesn’t change the fact that being apart from you is slowly going to kill me every fucking day. It just,” I shrugged one shoulder, “has to be done.”

  Levi refused to speak any further, so I sluggishly got out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom. At least the water from the shower would disguise my tears.

  Half an hour later, I was fighting with the zipper of my suitcase. Cursing under my breath, I was about to pick it up and hurl the fucker into the next room when from behind me I heard a soft, “Kitten?”

  I turned around and was momentarily taken aback by the seriousness of Levi’s expression. He took a deep breath and then deliberately handed me his notebook. “These are my notes from the conference. I hope they help.”

  Smiling up at him, I murmured, “Thank you.”

  He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “You might want to get rid of a few pages before showing Serena though.”

  I flushed, remembering the diagram he’d drawn of us on Wednesday. I shook my head sadly. God, it seemed like a lifetime ago now. It had been just before Katrina arrived, before she officially turned my life to shit.

  “When you get on that plane, or any other time you start questioning what we have and whether it’s strong enough to survive living apart,” he looked at me meaningfully, “for now at least. I want you to open up this notebook and read the first page.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s a song I wrote. It came to me just after we first met and I’ve been working on it ever since.”

  I nodded, gripping it tightly.

  “I’ll even fly home and sing you the lyrics if you ever forget.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do I look like the kind of girl who wants to be serenaded, Levi?”

  He grinned. “Then don’t fucking forget.”

  Smiling back, I tucked the notebook safely into my handbag. No doubt I would be needing it soon.

  Very soon.

  Like, once I stepped into the elevator soon.

  After checking the time on my phone, I sighed. “I’ve got to go. Riley’s meeting me downstairs in five.” I rolled my eyes. “She hates it when I’m late.”

  “Want me to walk you?”

  Shaking my head, I murmured, “I’d rather you stay here. I wouldn’t be able to leave if you came with me.” I smiled. “Besides, the view’s much better this way.”

  Levi quickly looked down and chuckled, realizing he’d managed to put on some jeans but had forgotten everything else. When he looked up at me again, his eyes instantly sobered. “I’m coming home for a few days before we go on tour. We’re going to spend that time together, I promise.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  Levi stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me before whispering in my ear, “I love you.”

  I held onto him, feeling like I was slowly being pulled under water and he was the only thing stopping me from drowning. “I love you too.”

  Riley took in my distraught expression as I entered the lobby. She immediately dumped her bags, ran straight over and hugged me, murmuring, “Thank God I changed
my flight.” Taking me by the hand, she led me back to her luggage and we walked through the hotel doors for the final time.

  We hardly spoke a word after that. Mostly because the only sound that came out of my mouth whenever I opened it was a choked sob. So the taxi ride to the airport was insanely quiet.

  The first class plane seats and glass of whiskey on board did little to numb the thumping pain originating from where my heart used to be. As a distraction, I pulled out Levi’s notebook and surreptitiously breathed in the pages. I could smell him. That spicy scent of his pierced yet another gaping hole inside me. This time it stabbed my very core. It felt so overwhelmingly agonizing that I honestly thought I was going to split in two. Great, I was once again a hollow shell.

  God, I missed him.

  I glanced across at Riley. She was reclining in her seat, eyes closed, listening to her iPod. It sounded like Mondez was on her playlist and I briefly wondered how she’d managed to get a copy of their EP. Thankfully, she’d missed my notebook sniffing and consequent disintegration of inner body parts, so I finished my drink before carefully opening the first page.

  There it was.

  Levi’s creative scrawl dominated the lined paper in that endearingly egotistical way of his. I took my time and traced with an index finger the loops and flourishes where his pen blatantly defied convention. A small smile reached my lips as I imagined the number of times he’d raked fingers through that disheveled hair of his as he wrote. I took a deep breath and began to read.

  Retribution

  I know a girl and her secret was told

  The Devil came and it pleased him so

  But you don’t want me singing about this, do you?

  Well listen close

  I speak the truth, you gave your heart and it’s living proof

  Of a hurting soul demanding retribution

  Retribution, retribution…

  Well I know your fear but I’m built from hope

  I saw you reading, so words I wrote

  Your beauty in the darkness cut right through me

  I dried your tears, your face, your hair

  I held you close and I kept you there

  And from my kiss I breathed your retribution

  Retribution, retribution…

  Kitten, it’s been done before

  We’ve felt this hurt and we’ve said, “No more”

  I was also broken before I found you

  And I’ve seen you screaming in the dark

  And trust is not a scarring mark

  This is love and it’s a healing retribution

  Retribution, retribution…

  Now is the time that you need to know

  What we reap is what we sow

  Pair your faith with mine and I will prove you

  Remember my eyes, they looked at you

  Your own stared back and they felt it too

  And every gaze we held was retribution

  Retribution, retribution…

  Maybe all this time apart

  Will tell the truth that’s in my heart

  My life is only full when it is with you

  So don’t you cry when I’m not near

  There’s no darkness, just feel me here

  This is love and it’s a healing retribution

  Retribution, retribution…

  By the time I’d finished, I had to shove my fist in my mouth to quiet the racking cries. Riley’s eyes popped open and she stared at me, shocked. She took out her headphones and rubbed my back, murmuring soothing words until I managed to get myself back under control. That girl was unbelievably empathetic at the best of times, it truly felt like she was living this agony along with me. I was so glad she was there and once the tears dried I rested my head against her shoulder. After all, without Levi next to me, she was all I had.

  ****

  The remainder of the weekend proved uneventful. I moped around the apartment glaring at my phone, willing it to ring. It did. Each day Levi called, and we’d both try to cover up our obvious dejection with useless banter. Well, until it was time to hang up. That was when we’d fall silent. It was useless complaining though. I mean, sure we both hated what was going on, but I couldn’t exactly quit my job and leave Riley, just like he couldn’t quit the band and leave Melbourne. So we were stuck pretending to be fine for the other’s benefit, all the while knowing it was a flimsy smokescreen.

  Still, hearing his voice was like a balm and for a short while at least I felt peaceful. However, soon after I was back to battling that frayed temper of mine. Anything that moved or breathed seemed to feel the brunt of it. Except Riley, of course. Similar to hearing Levi’s voice, being near her made my anger ease.

  Slightly.

  That old sense of disconnection came back too. The one where I felt like I was the only person glaringly out of place in Geographe Bay. It was beyond irritating, so by the time Monday morning rolled around, I was seriously questioning why the hell I’d even returned in the first place.

  As I dragged my sorry ass into our office, Carli spun around on her chair exclaiming, “Grace, I’ve missed you, babe. How was—” But she broke off mid-sentence when I burst into tears. Jumping up, she draped an arm around my shoulders, concern written all over her freakishly healthy features. She walked me to my chair. “Oh my God, what happened?”

  I collapsed onto the hard seat and carelessly dumped my gear on the floor, completely miserable. Okay, I might have been in serious melodrama mode by this stage but in my defense I was genuinely hurting. Shaking my head, I remained silent. There was no way I could even begin to voice what I was feeling, let alone do any justice to the magnitude of what I’d experienced the week before.

  No words came close.

  So after drying my eyes I half-smiled to Carli, pulled out my laptop and started reading some emails. She left me to it until I exclaimed, “Fucking hell.”

  Carli raised a questioning eyebrow and I scowled. When more words finally came, I verbalized every last expletive known to man. Well, that was before muttering, “Serena wants a damn meeting.” I checked the time in the top right-hand corner of my laptop. “Now.”

  Carli’s smile was sympathetic as I angrily collated the combined notes from last week’s conference.

  Half way across the quad, I stopped. It suddenly hit me. I didn’t want the English coordinator role anymore. Hell, I didn’t want any of this shit.

  Honestly.

  It all meant fucking nothing because the only person I wanted was in another freakin’ state, desperately wanting me too.

  What am I even doing here?

  I groaned and then attempted to take in a deep, calming breath. It was uneven and far too shallow to do any real benefit but it was the best I could do under the circumstances. I just had to get through the next six weeks. After that, Levi and I would figure the whole mess out together and go from there.

  I started walking again. Man, I really wasn’t in the mood for an interrogation from Serena. Don’t get me wrong, I resented her power trips most days, but today? I gritted my teeth. There was a very strong possibility that today’s meeting could end in a homicide.

  “Take a seat.”

  I shut the door to Serena’s office with more force than necessary and strode forward, flouncing down onto a nearby chair.

  Serena completely ignored my theatrics. She looked at me from behind her monstrous desk and began, “I received an email from Levi earlier this morning.” She paused, expecting me to say something.

  Only I didn’t.

  Couldn’t.

  The mere sound of his name was enough to constrict my chest. And it did. To the point where lack of airflow made my vision swim.

  Unperturbed, she continued, “I understand he’s deferring his studies until further notice due to,” Serena looked down, reading off her laptop screen, “‘a unique opportunity in the music industry.’” Looking up at me again she asked, “Is that correct?”

  I nodded my head, still struggling to brea
the.

  “Levi then states,” again, Serena read from her laptop, “‘it is unfortunate that I will no longer be under the mentorship of Grace Thompson. She has been an absolute pleasure to work with.’” She raised an eyebrow but I stared back, blank faced. Serena continued, “‘Grace has left a lasting impression on everything I think, say and do. She taught me that in order to live a fulfilled life, loyalty to one’s dreams takes precedence.’”

  I snorted. Yeah, because that’s what we were both feeling right now—fucking fulfilled.

  “‘And I hope Geographe High School recognizes how truly remarkable she is. I do, and I am eternally grateful for being able to work closely with her while attending the National Independent Schools Conference in Melbourne.’”

  My eyes welled up until I couldn’t see, so I dropped my head.

  Damn it, Levi.

  Tears stained the crumpled pages of the conference notes in my lap.

  “You two must have worked extremely well together.”

  My tear-filled gaze met her direct one.

  “Well?”

  “What are you really asking me, Serena?”

  For the first time since I can remember, her face softened when she looked at me. “What happened?”

  Taken off guard by her unexpected kindness, I spoke honestly. “Levi’s in a band, a talented one. While we were in Melbourne an old friend of his asked Mondez to play a show as a favor.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “This all happened outside of work hours, mind you.”

  A wry smile crossed Serena’s face.

  “Anyway, his friend’s band manager liked their sound and asked them to support an upcoming tour over summer.” I shrugged my shoulders. “They need to record a full-length album before then so…” My voice trailed away. “He stayed and I came home.”

  “I see.”

  “I doubt it.”

  Serena sighed. “I’m not completely blind, Grace. Your feelings for one another were glaringly obvious from the very beginning.”

  For some reason, Serena’s last comment seriously pissed me off. So I stood, scowling down at her. “And what would you know about other people’s feelings, Mrs. Nebril?”