"Don't push it, Janie. Don't push me." At that moment, Ben was hiding nothing. His eyes glittered with anger, and a need so all-consuming that she began to shake. She had never seen such naked desire in a man's eyes before. She felt herself swaying toward him, unable to look away. An answering desire stirred inside her, made of memories and longings that had been suppressed for too long. She wasn't sure if she could turn away now.
But it appeared Ben could. He reached for her, then drew abruptly back. "Don't, Janie. This won't solve anything."
"Are you sure?" She didn't recognize the low, throaty voice as her own.
"Damn sure." He shoved his hands into his pockets and damped the fire in his eyes. "Let's get over to your house and move the rest of your stuff." But he couldn't quite hide the regret, and Janie tucked that into her heart. It would have to do for now.
"Let me get my key, then."
They worked together into the afternoon, moving the last of her belongings into Ben's house. Finally they loaded Mimi into her carrier and Janie took one last look around the house that had been her prison.
"Are you going to miss having your own place?" Ben asked as she pulled the door shut behind them.
"Not at all." She was very certain of that. "This was never a home for me. It was only a place to live. And to hide."
"What are you going to do with it?"
"I haven't decided. I suppose I should sell it."
"That would probably be best," he agreed.
But a part of her didn't want to part with the house. Eventually, her marriage to Ben would be over. Sooner or later, she would need another place to live. Maybe if she kept this house, she would at least have someplace familiar to go and lick her wounds.
Because there were going to be wounds. She had been a fool to think she could marry Ben, then walk away months later without any regrets. She already had a boatload of them. And once she got to know Rafael better, there would be many more.
She refused to think about that now. "Maybe I'll rent it out, instead."
Ben shot her a look that was both vulnerable and defiant. "So you always have an insurance policy?"
"Yes. Don't you think I need one? You set the limits on our so-called marriage yourself."
"Keep the house, Janie." His voice was rough. "Make sure you have someplace to run when everything falls apart. Because it's going to."
"You've already made that very clear," she said in a low voice. "Don't worry, Ben. We may have to share a house, and a bed, and our lives, but I don't intend to make any demands of you."
"That's not what I meant."
She heard the frustration in his voice, but she refused to let him off the hook. "Then what did you mean?" She hoped her face was as cool as her voice.
"You can make any demands on me that you want. I owe you, and you know it. I only meant that a divorce is inevitable. It would be nice if you had someplace familiar to go when this is all over."
"You have no idea what I need, or what I want. So don't try to tell me what to do."
"Fine. Forget I said anything. Let's get this stuff over to the house, then go get Rafael." He pushed the last armload of her belongings into the truck, then lifted the cat carrier into the back seat. "I miss the kid," he said gruffly.
"And I'm sure he misses you," Janie said, her anger dissipating. They had to deal with a difficult situation, but they were doing it for all the right reasons. The trick was to focus on Rafael rather than her and Ben. "I'm anxious to begin to get to know him."
* * *
A week later, she felt like she hadn't even scratched the surface with Rafael. He was always polite to her, always obedient, but she didn't have any idea what was going on behind his eyes. And he didn't want Janie to touch him.
"That's how he was with me at first," Ben told her that night, after Rafael was asleep. "He doesn't trust easily. But he's warming up to you."
"I hope so. The hearing is less than three weeks away."
"Give him more time. He's had a lot to deal with—a new family and school starting—but that cat of yours is helping."
But Janie glanced toward Rafael's bedroom, where she knew Mimi lay curled into a ball on the boy's bed. The cat now followed Rafael around the house, but this was the first night she'd slept at the end of his bed. "I'm a little surprised," she admitted. "I didn't think Mimi would be so good with children. But she's really attached herself to Rafael."
"I should have gotten him a pet a long time ago."
"Don't beat yourself up," she said, hearing the censure in his voice. "You had enough to cope with when he came to live with you."
Before Ben could answer, she heard Rafael moving around in his room. Then he came flying out the door. "Janie," he cried, and his face was white with fear. "There's something wrong with Mimi."
Janie ran into Rafael's room. She felt Ben right behind her. Rafael hovered over the cat, and Janie sank down on to her knees beside him. "What's going on, Rafael?"
"Watch her. See?" The boy's voice rose with fear. "See what she's doing? Why is her body twisting like that?"
Without thinking, Janie wrapped her arm around Rafael's shoulders. The boy flinched once, then he leaned into her. "Is Mimi going to die?" he asked, tears in his voice.
Janie reached over and kissed him, then hugged him closer. "No, she's not going to die. She's fine, Rafael."
"Then what's wrong with her?"
"She's having a dream," she said gently. "That's why her body is moving like that." Keeping her arm around the boy, she drew him closer to the bed. "See how her legs are twitching?" She touched one of Mimi's white paws. "She's dreaming that she's chasing a big bear out of our backyard."
"Is she dreaming that she's saving me?" Rafael demanded. There were no tears in his voice now, only excitement.
"I'll bet she is. See, she's moving faster now. That bear is heading out of Cameron, and Mimi is hot on his trail. She's going to make sure that bear never comes back."
"Mimi could save me, couldn't she, Janie?" He didn't seem to realize that he was still standing in the circle of her arm.
"I'll bet she could. But you know what? She'll never have to save you, because that's what Ben and I are here for. If there's ever any saving to be done, we'll be there."
Rafael seemed to think about that for a moment, then he turned to her, his face earnest. "Mimi could be in charge when you're not home. Mimi can save me when I'm staying with Mrs. Weston. She has Jenny and Todd to worry about, too. She might not be able to save me."
"I think Mrs. Weston could save you just fine. But why don't we make Mimi her assistant? Do you think she would like that?"
Rafael nodded eagerly. "I'll tell her tomorrow."
"I think Mimi will be proud to be your assistant saver," she said gravely. She glanced over at the bed, where the cat lay quietly once more. "I guess the bear is gone. Mimi's dream is over. She's sleeping, and you should be, too."
"All right, Janie."
He slid into bed, and Janie hesitated for only a fraction of a second before she bent over him and brushed the hair out of his eyes, then dropped a kiss on his forehead. "Good night, Rafael"
His mouth curved up in a sweet smile. "Good night, Janie."
He didn't seem to mind her kiss at all, and Janie felt a lump growing in her throat. "Sleep tight," she whispered.
Ben stood in the doorway watching, and in the darkness she couldn't read the expression on his face. He stepped aside when she walked out of the room, then followed her to the living room.
"Don't you want to reassure him?" she asked quietly when they were out of Rafael's hearing range.
He shook his head. "I don't have to. He looked perfectly happy when you left him."
"He still might feel better if you said something to him." She chewed on her lip. "Maybe talking about Mimi saving him from a bear wasn't such a good idea. I'm afraid I just gave him more to worry about."
Ben's face softened, and he reached for her hand. "I think it was a brilliant idea. There
are too many ghosts in Rafael's past, ghosts that hold too much power over him. Bears are real, but he knows there are no bears around here so it's a safe fear. God knows I'm no psychologist, but maybe this will help him get over whatever happened in San Rafael. Maybe if he thinks Mimi can save him from bears, he'll think she can save him from whatever happened in that hellhole in South America."
"I hope you're right." She sighed. "The words just came out of my mouth before I could think. I'm afraid I don't know a lot about being a parent."
"You're doing fine, Janie." His hand tightened on hers. "He let you touch him tonight, didn't he?"
"He was scared." But she hoped it was a beginning. "We'll see how he is tomorrow."
She glanced at her watch and rolled her shoulders. "I'm going to bed. It's been a long day."
Ben nodded. "I think I'll watch the news." He gave her a humorless smile. "I need to see what's going on in the world that could affect Cameron."
"Great." Janie strained to smile back at him. "I'll see you in the morning."
Since that first night together, they had taken pains to go to bed at different times. And they would both pretend to be asleep when the other finally came to bed. Tonight Janie prayed she would be able to fall asleep quickly, prayed she wouldn't still be awake when Ben slipped into bed beside her. The past week had been one night after another of torment. Neither she nor Ben would admit they had trouble sleeping. Neither of them would acknowledge the need that kept them awake and restless for most of the night. They were both so tense, both so desperate to stay on their own side of the bed, that they lay stiff and uncomfortable for hours before finally drifting off to sleep before dawn.
When Janie slid between the covers, she tried to shut everything out of her mind. She was determined to ignore the scent of Ben that clung to his pillow, disregard the way the bed seemed empty without Ben beside her. She needed to think about the restaurant, and what needed to be ordered.
But her mind stubbornly refused to cooperate. Instead of thinking about silverware and china, ketchup and salt, she thought about Ben, watching her and Rafael from the doorway. Tenderness had filled his face, a tenderness she found profoundly moving. Ben and Rafael would save each other, and she was determined to give them the chance. The past week hadn't been easy, but she knew she had made the right decision. Ben and Rafael belonged together, and she was fiercely glad to help them. She might be part of their family only temporarily, but she would do everything in her power to make sure they stayed together.
Even sleep in the same bed as Ben.
She rolled over, restless again, and found herself inhaling the scent from his pillow. Cursing herself and her stupid yearning for a man she couldn't have, she rolled over and forced herself to lie perfectly still. Maybe if she didn't move, didn't open her eyes, she would be asleep before Ben joined her.
But she was still wide awake almost an hour later when Ben walked quietly into the room. He was almost completely silent as he climbed into bed, clearly hoping she was asleep, too. He lay tense and stiff on the other side of the bed, but Janie was far too aware of his presence. She squeezed her eyelids tightly shut as tears trickled down her cheeks. Another night of hell loomed ahead of them.
* * *
The next evening, Janie slid a turkey dinner underneath the warming lights on the counter and turned to reach for the next order. The spinner was empty, and she looked over at her new cook, Jim West. "Did you take the rest of the orders?"
He didn't look up from the stove. "Isn't it about time for your family to get here? Go out and eat dinner with them." He glanced up at her. "A newlywed should spend time with her husband."
Janie tilted her chin. "Since when have you become an expert on my family?" she demanded.
"Since I've seen how hard you work in this place," he shot back. "An hour off isn't going to hurt anyone."
Janie's mouth quivered as she tried to hold in the smile. "It's customary in most businesses for the boss to give the orders, you know."
Jim grinned over at her, his smile deepening the creases that lined his cheeks. "Guess you forgot to tell me that part when you hired me."
She glanced over the counter and saw that Ben and Rafael were already seated at their usual table. Her heart fluttered in her chest at the sight of them sitting close together, their dark heads bent over a menu.
Reaching behind her, she untied her apron. She ached to join them, to share the small talk of the day and Rafael's adventures in school. "Thanks, Jim. I'm going to take you up on your offer."
"‘Bout time," he said, but he grinned at her. "Everything's under control back here."
Ben looked up when she slipped into the booth next to Rafael. For a moment, his eyes brightened, then he carefully hid his reaction. "You're able to join us tonight?" he asked.
"Jim threw me out of the kitchen," she said, determined to keep things light. "So I thought I'd be a customer for a while."
"Janie," Rafael said, bouncing on his seat. "Do you know what happened in school today?"
"What happened?" She leaned back in the booth, enjoying the boy's animation. His dark eyes glowed, hiding the shadows that always lurked in them.
"Ms. Carmichael played her guitar for us. And she let me hold it while she was getting ready!"
"That's very exciting." Janie flicked his hair out of his eyes, rejoicing when he didn't even seem to notice.
"And that's not all. When she was finished, she let me touch one of the strings. It made a beautiful noise," he said, awe in his voice.
"That was very nice of Ms. Carmichael. Did you thank her?" Janie asked automatically. At least some parts of parenting seemed to be automatic, she thought wryly.
Rafael nodded vigorously. "I thanked her. She said she would show me some more next time we played the guitar."
"You're very lucky to have Ms. Carmichael for your teacher."
"Cameron is lucky to have Keara," Ben added. "She's a great addition to the school."
Janie felt a hot flash of jealousy that shocked her. She had no reason to be jealous of the music teacher. She had no reason to be jealous of anyone, she told herself. Where there was no real relationship, there could be no jealousy.,
"I don't see her around town much," she forced herself to say.
"Keara keeps to herself." Ben looked down at the menu, and Janie saw that the conversation about the music teacher was over. "What's the special today?"
When a smiling Mandy took their dinner order, Janie leaned back in the booth and tried to relax. Rafael was telling them about his adventures with Stevie Jessup on the playground, and she wanted to pretend that theirs was a normal family, merely enjoying dinner together.
But nothing about their marriage was normal, including the constant tension that simmered between her and Ben. Even sitting across the booth from him in a busy restaurant, she was far too aware of him. If she took a deep breath, his scent would surround her. If she moved her legs, she would brush against him.
Instead of thinking about Ben, she tried to focus on Rafael. Every day this week, when he and Ben had come to the restaurant for dinner, he had been full of stories about school. She was delighted with the wonder in his voice as he talked about his teacher or the children. And she treasured the love on Ben's face as he watched the boy talking.
"Janie, come over here," Mandy called, waving frantically. She stared intently at the small television that sat next to the cash register.
Janie slid out of the booth, wondering why Mandy looked so excited. She felt Ben behind her as she hurried toward the front of the restaurant.
"What's the matter, Mandy?"
"It's Cameron," the waitress answered, her gaze transfixed on the screen. "The reporter is talking about Cameron."
Janie watched as the reporter for the national news show talked about Rafael's upcoming custody hearing. He recounted the story of Shea and Jesse Coulton and the refugee children from San Rafael they had saved. Then the camera panned down Main Street
, catal
oguing the stores and houses that were so familiar to her, and she felt a strange start of recognition.
The camera fixed on the reporter again, and a shock trembled through her as she realized he was standing in front of her restaurant. She gripped the counter as the scene changed to the inside of the restaurant. The camera panned the tables, full of smiling people, then focused on the baskets of flowers hanging from the walls. Janie didn't even hear what the reporter was saying.
Ben reached over and gripped her hand, and she blindly twined her fingers with him. Cut away, she prayed. Let this be the end.
But it wasn't the end. The camera had one final image. It was a lingering shot of her as she walked through the restaurant, stopping to talk with a customer and finally looking straight into the lens.
Terror and fear pressed in on her, choking her, making it impossible to breathe. Her heart stuttered, then raced with panic. She couldn't move, couldn't think. She could only stand and watch helplessly.
Her picture, and her location, had just been broadcast to the entire country.
Why now? she thought, despair stabbing into her. Now everything she'd ever wanted was within reach, and she'd have to leave it behind.
* * *
Chapter 8
«^»
Ben felt the shock tremble through Janie, then felt her brace herself, as if preparing for a blow. His fingers ached to rip the plug out of the television and hurl it through the window of the restaurant. He would give anything to obliterate the last five minutes of time, rewind the tape so that they were still sitting in the booth with Rafael, still trying to avoid looking at each other. That tension would be easier to face than this.
That would be far less painful than the stricken look on Janie's face, the panic that hummed just below the surface.
"It's all right," he said, going on instinct. "It'll be okay, Janie."
She turned to look at him, a dazed expression in her eyes. "No, Ben, it won't. Nothing is okay anymore."
"Let's go home," he murmured, wrapping his arm around her protectively. He turned to the waitress. "Mandy, tell Jim that he's in charge for the rest of the evening. We'll come back to help him lock up."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 9