The Academy

by Quinn Anderson

  Nick sucked in a breath. “What you felt for me?”

  “Yeah, note the past tense.” Sebastian glanced away again. “I’m not going to force my feelings on you. I invited you to talk because I had this tiny little flicker of a hope that we could patch things up, but I guess I was deluding myself. Tell me this one thing. When you were pretending to not know about the bet, were you also pretending to be interested in me? That thing you told me about how I reminded you of home . . . Was any of it real?”

  Nick was so stunned, he took a half step back. “You think I was faking?”

  “I don’t know what to think. Try to see this from my perspective: I found out my own best friends set up an elaborate charade with a complete stranger. Then that stranger insinuated himself into my life, became friends with my friends, and basically tricked me into falling for him. Now he wants to put it behind us! How would you feel if—”

  Sebastian seemed to realize what he’d said, or maybe Nick’s face was as rigid as it felt, because he cut himself off.

  “You . . .” Nick swallowed hard. “You fell for who now?”

  “I . . .” Sebastian’s eyes searched his, wary and frightened. “I’m emotional. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

  “No, don’t back down from this. Are you saying you fell in love with me? In two weeks?”

  Sebastian made a frustrated sound. “I don’t know! I don’t know, okay? I have nothing to compare these feelings to. I haven’t had the best role models for love. I . . . I know I feel something for you. It’s dizzying and frightening, and it makes me . . . It makes me . . .”

  Nick was suddenly awash with emotions he couldn’t name. “It makes you what?”

  “I don’t know,” Sebastian repeated. “This is all so confusing.” He took another step toward Nick. “I know you’re attracted to me. We’ve proven that time and time again. But is that it? Can you really walk away from this?”

  Fear hit Nick like a sledgehammer. “You can’t ask me that. Not after everything that’s happened.”

  “I am asking you, though. For both our sakes. Answer the question.”

  Nick opened his mouth only to close it. His lungs felt like the small room was running out of oxygen. “All of this happened so fast. Too fast. Way too fast for it to be love.”

  “But could it be love someday?” Sebastian’s expression was pleading. “What do you feel for me, Nick?”

  Nick backed away a step, feeling strangely giddy. “I’m not sure.”

  “I don’t believe you.” Sebastian stepped forward again, invading his space. “I think we’ve both known what this was from day one, and we’ve been getting in our own way. I think we’re both scared of this for surprisingly similar reasons. Neither of us wants to get hurt, so we lied to ourselves and distanced ourselves and sabotaged ourselves.” His smile was sharp like cut glass. “It’s remarkable how similar we are, really.”

  Nick laughed, and the sound was all air. “I can’t think. Not with you so—”

  “So what?”

  Nick shook his head.

  “I know you feel something for me. You as much as said it. Why won’t you tell me what it is? Why are you so afraid to admit you feel it too?”

  “Feel what?”

  “This.” Sebastian fisted a hand in the front of Nick’s shirt. “Us. This thing that keeps drawing us back to each other no matter how much we try to deny it. Tell me you don’t feel it, and this time, I really will leave you alone. Forever. No more talking it out. No more second chances. It’ll be like none of this happened. We’ll graduate and go on with our separate lives, and one day, we’ll struggle to remember each other’s names. Tell me that’s what you want, and it’s yours.”

  It was so far from what Nick wanted, his thoughts wouldn’t so much as form the lie.

  His silence must’ve been all the encouragement Sebastian needed, because he moved closer again. So close, the world around him blurred, and all Nick could see were eyes. Gray, gray eyes. “Nick?”

  When asked later, Nick would swear he’d had no idea what he was going to do until the moment he decided to do it.

  He grabbed Sebastian’s face in both hands, closed the last of the distance between them, and kissed him with all the ferocity he had in him. The second he did, it was like the emotions smoldering between them bubbled over. Nick felt so much, his brain cut to static: relief, uncertainty, fear, and incontrovertible want.

  Sebastian seemed to feel the same, because he made a deep sound in the back of his throat and kissed Nick back with alacrity. They came together like puzzle pieces. Face to face. Chest to chest. Both pushing against each other as if they could close some imaginary gap.

  Their kisses in the past had been intense, but they didn’t compare to how Sebastian kissed him now. He kissed Nick like he was air. Like he was necessary. Like this was the last kiss Sebastian was ever going to have, and he was trying to make the most of it. Hands everywhere, all desperation and need.

  Before Nick knew it, he was being crowded backward. He didn’t try to resist, intent as he was on kissing Sebastian with everything he had. The backs of his calves hit something. The sofa.

  Sebastian stopped moving forward but didn’t stop what his hands and lips were doing. He was giving Nick a choice, and for once, Nick didn’t hesitate.

  He fell back onto the couch, tugging Sebastian after him. Sebastian followed, and they hit the cushions in a tangle of limbs. The couch smelled musty, and tall as they both were, there was hardly enough room for them to stretch out, but Nick couldn’t have cared less. Sebastian was warm and heavy on top of him, and as they moved together, Nick lost the ability to think about anything other than how right this felt.

  Until Sebastian reached down and palmed Nick through his jeans.

  He was hard, and the knowledge rocketed through him. Suddenly, reality came slamming back into focus through the cloud of his arousal. They were in an unlocked room in the university auditorium, and as amazing as it felt to be with Sebastian again, Nick couldn’t. For one very important reason.

  Nick wrenched his mouth away and sucked in a breath that trembled. “Wait.”

  Sebastian buried his face in Nick’s neck and groaned. “Don’t say that. Anything but that.”

  “I’m sorry. Believe me, I’m sorry. But we can’t do this. Not right now.”

  Sebastian supported himself on his palms. “Are you still mad about that silly bet thing? Let’s just call it even and go back to making out.”

  Okay, that made Nick snort.

  “Yes, I’m still mad, but no, that’s not the reason.” Nick propped himself on his elbows, which brought their faces dangerously close together. “This is the third time we’ve done this. We fight, passions run high, and then we make out like that fixes everything. But it’s only a bandage. We have issues, and we can’t fuck them out.”

  Sebastian pouted. “How will we know if we don’t try?”

  Nick laughed again and had to fight to smother it. “I want to propose a compromise. There’s something I need to tell you.”

  That got Sebastian’s attention. “Does it have to do with what you told me at the party? About how your dad’s death wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to you?”

  Nick nodded. “I need to tell you that first for two reasons. One, it’ll help you understand me and where I’ve been coming from this whole time. And two, it’ll give us some distance. Once we’ve had that, we can decide where we stand without hormones dictating our actions.”

  “All right. Go ahead, then. I’m all ears.”

  Nick pushed Sebastian gently off of him and sat up. “First of all, I can’t talk while you’re on top of me. It’s . . . distracting. Second of all, I can’t do it here. We could get interrupted.”

  “Then what do you want to do? Meet up later?”

  Nick debated with himself for a moment. “No, I can’t wait. I need to tell you this now.”

  Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “We both have class to get to. In fact, if I l
eave right now, I’ll still be late to my first lecture.”

  Nick chuckled, and this time, he didn’t try to stop it. “Then I suppose there’s only one thing we can do. Skip class with me. Let’s go somewhere private and talk.”

  “There’s a certain poetry to that. Two weeks ago, I was the one trying to convince you to skip, and now you’re convincing me.”

  “Look how far we’ve come. So, what do you say?”

  Sebastian only hesitated for a moment. “Where do you want to go?”

  “I don’t know. I’d say my dorm room, but Deen could be there.” Nick steeled himself. “Your place?”

  “You think that’s a wise idea?” Sebastian flashed a wicked smile. “That’s where my bedroom is.”

  Nick took a breath. “We’re adults. The kiss from before aside, I think we can handle being alone together. Besides, after I say what I need to say, I doubt you’re going to be in the mood.”

  “I’m always in the mood around you. Even when I’m furious with you.” Slowly, Sebastian leaned forward, giving Nick plenty of time to push him away if he wanted.

  Nick didn’t. He allowed Sebastian to place a chaste but potent kiss on his lips. It only lasted for a second, but it shot through Nick like lightning.

  Sebastian pulled away with a shiver. “Let’s get going, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Did you drive here?”

  Sebastian nodded. “We’ll take my car.”

  The drive to Sebastian’s place was simultaneously tense and uneventful. They didn’t look at each other the whole time, but Nick was aware of Sebastian’s presence with every fiber of his being. The journey seemed to take far too long and be over far too quickly simultaneously.

  Nick didn’t relax until they were inside his apartment, and even then he couldn’t seem to decide what to do with his hands. They stood awkwardly together in the living room—neither of them speaking—until Sebastian finally exhaled.

  He inclined his head toward the balcony. “Join me?”

  Nick waved toward it, indicating that Sebastian should lead the way. Outside, the air was starting to lose its morning chill and take on the warmth of afternoon. There was a decent breeze that kept it from being uncomfortable, however. As Nick settled against the parapet, his discomfort came purely from within.

  “So.” Sebastian smiled. “Let’s hear it.”

  Nick took a breath and let it out, gathering his words. “This is something I haven’t told anyone. And I mean anyone. Not Deen. Not Theo. Not Dr. O’Connor, the counselor. No one.”

  The smile fell off Sebastian’s face. “Okay. I’m a little scared.”

  “Don’t be.” Focusing on keeping his breathing steady, Nick began. “I’ve told you a bit about my dad’s death. How it changed everything. How it led me here. How I grieved, and how I’m still grieving. But I haven’t told you about my mother.”

  Sebastian’s eyes widened. “That’s right. She died when you were young. I assumed you were too little to remember her, so maybe it wasn’t that bad. From your tone, I’m guessing that’s not the case?”

  Nick swallowed hard. “I never said she died.”

  Sebastian gasped. “She’s still alive?”

  “Last I heard, yeah. She left when I was five. Dad got full custody, and we never heard from her again. No birthday cards. No visitation. Nothing. When I got older, I asked Dad why she left, and he said she realized too late that she wasn’t cut out for marriage and children. I always thought there had to be more to the story. I mean, how can someone have a kid and then decide they never want to see them again?”

  Sebastian nodded. “I’m guessing when your dad died, you found out what happened?”

  “In a manner of speaking.” Nick breathed through his tightening throat. “I found out there wasn’t more to the story. That really was it. When Dad died, he left some things to her in his will. Nothing valuable. Oddments they’d collected during their brief marriage that he wanted to return to her.

  “The attorney I hired to deal with all the legal bullshit tracked her down to let her know. I thought . . . I thought that was going to be my chance, you know? Like in a movie. You lose one parent, and you get reunited with another. I thought she’d come to the funeral, we’d end up talking, and we’d reconnect. I thought she’d sweep me into her arms and tell me some story about how she was kidnapped, or she was in witness protection. She’d say she hated leaving me, but that she’d had no choice. I thought we’d be a family.”

  Sebastian sidled up to him. His warmth was a comfort against Nick’s side. “That didn’t happen?”

  Nick shook his head. “She didn’t come to the funeral. She had the items Dad had left her shipped to somewhere in Utah. I guess that’s where she lives now. I wouldn’t know, though, because she made no effort to contact me whatsoever. When I tried to reach out to her, I got radio silence.”

  “But you’re her son. Isn’t she obligated to do something?”

  Nick smiled bitterly. “I’m over the age of eighteen. She’s no longer responsible for me in any way unless she wants to be, and she made her feelings on that score perfectly clear. Honestly, it was like she really had died. Like I really was an orphan.”

  “Christ, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

  Nick shrugged. “Your parents suck too. I’m sure you can relate.”

  Sebastian fell silent for a moment. “I can, but it’s not the same. You actually just made me appreciate what I have. At least my folks acknowledge my existence. I know I said it felt like they were moving on with their lives without me, but they still call me every weekend.” He peeked over at Nick. “I think you gave me some of that ‘perspective’ shit I keep hearing about.”

  “I’m glad. Though, for the record, I’m not trying to compare our pain. It’s not a competition where the winner is the one who gets to be sad. You’ve been hurt too, and you’ve shown me how it’s affected you.”

  Sebastian sized him up. “Well, look who was listening all those times I lectured him on not making assumptions about others.”

  Heat seeped into Nick’s cheeks. “I’m a big enough person to admit you taught me a valuable lesson. One I needed to learn too.”

  “Same here. Man, you keep making me build my character. Can’t have that, now can we?”

  They both laughed. Companionable silence filled the space between them as they looked out over the city. Nick thought he could smell cut grass and hot pavement on the breeze. It was familiar and comforting. Maybe someday, he’d think that was what home smelled like.

  Eventually, Sebastian shifted next to him. “I’m glad you shared with me, though I’m curious as to why you felt like you had to tell me right away.”

  “I know why.” Nick exhaled. “Because things were getting real again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s the same reason I kissed you when I did and ‘ended’ the bet. And the reason I resisted you as hard as I did from the start. My dad’s death devastated me, but my mom shattered my heart. Absolutely crushed it. I managed to glue it back together again before I came here, but then I met you. The more time I spent with you, the more invested I became, and the more worried I was that I’d get obliterated again. After all, my first introduction to you was people telling me you were a heartbreaker.”

  Sebastian muttered something that sounded like, “Fucking Minho.”

  Nick snorted. “As I got to know you, I had this constant war going on in my head. I kept telling myself not to get involved, that you were lying to me, and that I couldn’t risk getting hurt again. But I knew deep down what we had was real. I couldn’t stay away from you. When my feelings got to the point where I couldn’t deny them anymore, I did the cowardly thing and walked away.”

  “That’s why you kissed me,” Sebastian said. “That’s why you acted like this didn’t mean anything, and why you pushed me away when it seemed like we were going to reconcile.”

  Nick nodded. “I didn’t realize it until we met, but I’ve been pushing people awa
y ever since Dad died, always with the excuse that I was protecting myself. I’ve been saying I want to make friends, but I’ve kept everyone at a distance. You. Dante. Theo. Even Deen. I can’t go through the rest of my life like this. At some point, I have to realize that the possibility of getting hurt can’t keep me from living my life.”

  He turned to face Sebastian. They were standing inches apart on the little balcony. The intimacy of it grated against his skin, warning him to back off, but he stood firm. “That’s why I decided to tell you this. I’m done pretending like I can stay away from you. Telling you about my mom was the proof. I don’t have any more secrets or excuses to hide behind. I haven’t entirely forgiven you, and you don’t have to forgive me either, but you once said you trust me. Is that still true? Because I think I’m ready to trust you.”

  After his speech, Nick felt like all the air had been let out of his body. But then, when he breathed in again, he realized what he’d let out wasn’t air. It was all the pain he’d been carrying with him, and without it, he was free to fill the space inside him with whatever he wanted. Air. Light. Maybe love.

  There was a pause while Sebastian studied his face. There wasn’t a single iota of Nick that regretted saying what he’d said—it was the truth, simple and pure—but as the seconds ticked on, worry rose in him like a cold tide. His chest tightened in preparation for his heart, which he’d guarded so carefully this past year, to shatter once again.

  But then Sebastian brushed the backs of his fingers against Nick’s cheek. His hand drifted down to Nick’s, and he twined their fingers.

  “I think we’ve said everything we need to say.” His voice was soft as his touch. “We’ve both apologized, and all the lies—even the ones we told ourselves—are out now. There’s nothing more I need to hear from you. I want to be with you. If you’ll let me, I want to show you that I trust you.”

  Nick swallowed. He knew the answer to the question he was about to ask, but he resolved to ask it anyway. “How?”

  “When we first met, there were so many times I told myself to hang back and let you kiss me, but I couldn’t do it. Kissing you was like hearing the truth in a completely different way. When we had sex before, it was so easy to let go. To give in to what I wanted and be raw and honest with you in a way I couldn’t be with words. I want that again. I want that now, and for as long as you’ll have me.”