Nerd Gone Wild

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  “Uh, Rudy, before you do, can I make a suggestion?”

  “Sure.” Rudy kept studying the address. “I know right where this is, too. It’s not too far from the airport. We went right by it when I picked you up the other day.”

  “Rudy, the chickens… they smell pretty bad.”

  “Yeah, they do at first.” He put the piece of paper in his pocket and started toward the shed again. “But you get used to it real fast. Sometimes, if I’ve been out all day I’ll come home and go, Whoa, this place stinks! But after about ten minutes, I don’t notice it.”

  Mitch trudged along behind him. “But if Lurleen couldn’t get used to it, would you want to change things, so she’d be happy here?”

  “I really don’t think it was the chickens, man. It was the sex problem. But now that I know that’s up to Lurleen, I want to see if she’ll come back. If she just needs to be in the right frame of mind, we could rent us some porno movies.”

  Mitch decided he’d better be more direct. “You can rent all the porno movies you want, but I don’t see how she can be in the right frame of mind when she’s up to her ass in chicken shit.”

  Rudy reached the shed and turned back to Mitch. “So you think it’s a combination of things? That the chickens keep her from being in the right frame of mind?”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised. She might even get used to the smell, like you say, but it would still be hanging in the back of her mind.”

  “And keeping her from having those multis.” Rudy nodded. “You could be on to something. Well, I didn’t want to go to the trouble and expense, but I might have to heat the henhouse, after all. This other seemed like the perfect solution, but if it ruins the mood, I have to take a look at that aspect.”

  “I would.”

  “But Mitch, I gotta ask you something, man-to-man.”

  “Shoot.” Mitch shifted his weight and hoped the question wouldn’t be too embarrassing.

  “Do you ever have trouble… you know… lasting long enough? I mean, to get to the multis, you got to keep going. Sometimes I can’t.”

  Mitch put his hand on Rudy’s shoulder. “I have two words for you. Oral sex.”

  “Yeah? They like that, too? I thought it was just guys who liked that!”

  “Girls like it, too.” Mitch couldn’t believe he was having this conversation, but Ally would be proud.

  “Weil, damn, I could do that, ‘specially if Lurleen gave me a few pointers. I mean, they’re built different, but I’m sure I could figure it out. So that’s the secret, huh?”

  It was as much of the secret as Mitch was willing to discuss. “It should help.”

  “So I’ll go down to Fairbanks and tell Lurleen I’ve put a heater in the henhouse and I’m up on this oral sex business. That should do the trick, huh?”

  “If nothing else, it’ll make for an interesting conversation.”

  “I think it’ll work. Thanks, man!” Rudy clapped Mitch on the back so hard he nearly tipped him over into the snow. “I’ll let you know how it turns out!”

  That was exactly what Mitch was afraid of.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  When Tanya came back from talking to Uncle Kurt, Ally was waiting in the lobby with her camera in her backpack. “I’m ready,” she said. “Mitch is getting the snowmobile. He should be here any minute.”

  “Fine.” Tanya seemed more excited about the idea than she had earlier. “That’s great. Give me a minute to organize my equipment, and I’ll be right out.”

  “How’s Uncle Kurt?”

  “You know, it’s a good thing we’re not taking him with us. I think he’s come down with the flu.”

  “Really?” Ally reached for her coat hanging on the wall. “Maybe I should go check on him, see if he needs anything.”

  “I wouldn’t. He said he wanted to be left alone so he could sleep. But he was happy that you and I were going out today. That was his dream, that I’d be available to give you some instruction.”

  “And I do appreciate it.” Ally felt a pang of regret that she wasn’t able to be more enthusiastic about this gesture Uncle Kurt had made. But the poor guy hadn’t known what he was getting into with Tanya the Sexpot, and now for all his troubles he’d ended up getting sick. “When we come back, I’ll go see him.”

  “Good plan. I’ll be right out.” Tanya went into the parlor and closed the door.

  “What’s this about your uncle?” Betsy came out of the kitchen. “I caught the tail end of the conversation.”

  “Tanya says he’s come down with the flu.”

  “Well, it happens. He looked a little rundown last night over at the Top Hat. Does he need some soup? I have some ptarmigan soup in the freezer.”

  “Maybe later, after Tanya and I get back. She said he just wants to sleep.”

  Betsy nodded. “That’s how I am when I get sick. I want to crawl in a cave until I’m fit for human company again.”

  Ally lowered her voice. “I hate to say this, but Tanya seems to be acting more normal. Like she wants to take me out and show me the ropes.”

  “I hope it works out for you, then,” Betsy said. “When she came, I was so excited for you. Maybe last night was only a passing phase.”

  “Maybe.” But Ally would always wonder when that phase might repeat itself. Her respect for Tanya would never be the same.

  Mitch came through the door, stomping his feet on the mat by the door. “The snowmobile’s out there.” He glanced hopefully at Ally. “Where’s Tanya? Did you two decide to wait, after all?”

  “No, we’re going. She’s doing some last-minute things.”

  Mitch gazed at her. “I can get the other snowmobile in no time. I think I should go with you.”

  “I don’t.” Ally felt a little weird taking off alone with Tanya, but she couldn’t picture hauling Mitch along for no particular reason.

  “I’m sure Ally can handle it,” Betsy said.

  Mitch frowned. “I’m sure she can, too. It’s just—”

  “Relax,” Ally said. “It’s only a couple of hours.”

  “Yeah, I know.” But he didn’t look at all relaxed. He looked extremely tense. “I left the helmets and goggles hanging on the handlebars. As you predicted, Betsy, Rudy wouldn’t take any money.”

  “Then I’ll have to think of something nice to do for him,” Ally said.

  “You might want to contribute toward a heater for his henhouse.”

  “Rudy’s going to heat his henhouse?” Betsy’s eyes widened. “He told me that was never gonna happen, that it was dumb to heat a henhouse when he had plenty of room for the chickens in his kitchen.”

  Mitch took off his coat and hung it by the door. “Have you been in his house when the chickens are in residence?”

  “Well, no. I haven’t had a reason to go down there. Does it really smell bad?”

  “Betsy, you have no idea.” Mitch pulled off his boots. “If he wants anybody to live with him, Lurleen or any other prospect, the chickens need to go.”

  Ally was dying to know what had been said. “So you convinced him to move the chickens. That’s a good first step. Anything else?”

  “That’s most of it.”

  Betsy started to laugh. “And the rest had to do with sex. Am I right? Was he clueless?”

  “He, um, had a few misconceptions.” Mitch glanced at Ally. “He’s a little clearer about things now.”

  She smiled at him. “Thanks, Mitch.”

  “Yeah, thanks.” Betsy chuckled again. “Somebody needed to talk to him. I’m glad it was you. Well, I left a pot simmering on the stove. And there’s coffee left, Mitchell, if you want some.” She paused. “Or is it Mitch now?”

  “Rudy thought he should be called Mitch.” Ally could feel her cheeks getting warm, but then Betsy suspected something was going on. “So I decided to call him that, too.”

  Betsy gave him the once-over. “Yeah. Mitch looks better on you. Anyway, gotta go. Good luck out there, Ally,”

  “Thanks.” The mi
nute Betsy disappeared inside her kitchen, Ally sidled over to Mitch. “You really gave him some advice?”

  “A little. Listen, Ally, postpone this trip, at least until this afternoon.”

  “Why?”

  “Because… because afternoon’s a great time to be out there. That’s when we went with Rudy, and it was perfect, remember?”

  She put her hand on his arm. “Postponing the session isn’t going to help anything. Now tell me what happened with Rudy.”

  Mitch sighed. “He didn’t know girls liked oral sex. He thought it was just a guy thing.”

  “Omigod.” Ally clapped a hand to her mouth to hold back a whoop of laughter, “You should get a medal.”

  “I should.”

  “Are you saying he’d never… ?”

  “Never. But he will, now.”

  “You should get a really big medal, and a parade with confetti, and maybe even a big brass—”

  “My, isn’t this cozy?” Tanya walked through the door of the parlor carrying her camera bag.

  Ally started to move away from Mitch, but then decided not to. Maybe she had no real claim, but it wouldn’t hurt to let Tanya know they were together. “I’m off, then,” she said, and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll see you when we get back.”

  “Right.” With obvious reluctance, he fished some keys out of his pocket. “Tanya, I assumed you’d be driving. Ally’s only been snowmobiling once, and she was a passenger.”

  “I’ll be driving. I’ve been driving snowmobiles for years.”

  “I figured as much, in your line of work.” He tossed her the keys. “I assume you also know about the avalanche danger this time of year.”

  “Of course. I’m always careful.”

  “I think I’ll take Betsy up on that coffee. See you two later.” With one last glance at Ally, he walked into the kitchen.

  “Let’s get going,” Tanya said.

  “Yes, let’s.” Now that they were on their way out the door, she had the urge to call Mitch back and ask him to go, after all. But that would be silly.

  * * *

  Mitch went upstairs to check his e-mail, but there was no response from Pete, so he came back down to have a cup of coffee with Betsy. While talking with her, he found out that Ally was feeling a little better about Tanya, and that Kurt had the flu and didn’t want to be disturbed. Mitch didn’t like the sound of that, but it wasn’t as if Kurt could sneak out and join up with Tanya for some funny business without taking Rudy’s other snowmobile.

  Just to be on the safe side, Mitch got Rudy’s phone number from Betsy and called him. Rudy promised not to loan out his other snowmobile to Kurt. Then Mitch put on his boots and coat and walked over to the Top Hat. No one was there at this time of the morning except Clyde, who was checking his liquor supply in preparation for the lunch crowd.

  “What’s up?” he asked when Mitch walked in.

  “I just wondered if Ally’s uncle had come in.”

  “Haven’t seen him. You want to talk to him?”

  Mitch didn’t want to talk to him so much as keep track of him. “Yeah. If he comes in, would you call Betsy and let her know?”

  “Sure thing. You want your nude?”

  Mitch had forgotten all about Quillamina Sharp. “Sure, why not?”

  While Clyde went upstairs to get her, Mitch leaned against the bar and thought about the moment he’d walked in and caught Ally dancing on it. He’d probably known right then that he had a problem with his libido, but he hadn’t wanted to admit it.

  And now he knew exactly how it felt to lie with her, skin-to-skin, and enjoy everything that was Ally. He’d never regret having that chance, even if he never got to do it again. For all his complaining about her decision to travel to Alaska, he had to admit that he was glad she’d done it. Last night never would have happened if they’d both stayed at the mansion.

  “Here you are.” Clyde came back holding Quillamina like a baby doll. “I have to say, this is one ugly broad.”

  Mitch took her from Clyde and got a whiff of cedar. “But she smells nice.” He’d decided to ship Quillamina home as a souvenir. “And the price was right. I wonder if Dave will ever—”

  The front door opened, and both of them turned to see who had come in. Damned if it wasn’t Kurt, the man who was supposed to have the flu.

  “What the hell do you have there?” Kurt asked, looking at Quillamina.

  “One of Dave’s nude sculptures,” Mitch said.

  Kurt snorted. “I hope you didn’t pay a lot for it.”

  “Nope.” He didn’t think Kurt looked the least bit sick. “I heard you were under the weather.”

  “Who told you that?”

  “Betsy, who heard it from Tanya.”

  Kurt blinked. “Oh. Yeah. Well, when she came down to tell me about the photo trip, I was feeling a little punk. But I’m better now. Came in to see if there was anything to eat.”

  “I can get you something,” Clyde said. “Lunch doesn’t officially start for another thirty minutes, but I can make you a sandwich.”

  “Good. And a beer.”

  “Coming up.” Clyde went into the kitchen.

  Kurt walked over and climbed up on a bar stool as if he planned to ignore Mitch completely.

  Mitch set Quillamina down on a table and took the bar stool next to Kurt. “Just so you know, Madeline filled me in on the family history.”

  Kurt stared straight ahead. “Her version.”

  “It coincides with Suzanne’s version.”

  “I don’t know anybody named Suzanne.”

  “She’s the maid you nearly knocked over when you ran out of Madeline’s room.”

  Kurt scowled and turned to him. “Look, whatever Madeline told you, it’s a damned he. I never—”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s not my place to judge you for something that happened forty years ago. I’m here to make sure Ally gets a fair shake.”

  “Oh, I’m so sure. You’re here because if you get in her pants, then you might talk her into marrying you and you can get your hands on all that money.”

  Mitch fought for control. He’d never wanted to hit a guy as much as he wanted to hit Kurt. He actually reached for his glasses, planning to take them off before he challenged Kurt to duke it out.

  Then he got a grip. “And why are you here?” he asked quietly.

  “That is none of your goddamn business.” Kurt turned away from him again.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. If you’re planning to take advantage of Ally, you’ll have to get past me first.”

  “Yeah, like I’m shaking in my boots, geek.”

  Clyde came in from the kitchen, a sandwich on a plate. “Here you go.” He grabbed a glass and drew a beer from the tap before setting that in front of Kurt, too. “Mitch, can I get you anything?”

  “Nothing, thanks. Listen, do you have something to wrap around my sculpture? I’m planning to ship it back home.”

  “Let me look in the back.” Clyde went into the kitchen again.

  “I think you and that ugly nude might want to get out of town,” Kurt said. “Accidents happen in Alaska, accidents that never get explained.”

  “I guess you’re not completely stupid. You didn’t say that in front of a witness.” If Mitch had ever doubted that Kurt was a threat to Ally, he didn’t doubt it now.

  “Get out of town, nerd,” Kurt said, still with his back to him. “While you still can.”

  “You must steal your dialogue from B Westerns, Kurt. That old ‘Get out of town while you still can’ line has moss growing on it.”

  “You think you’re a smart kid, don’t you? You’re not as smart as you think you are.”

  But I’m smarter than you. At least he hoped so.

  Clyde came out of the back room with some bubble wrap and tape. “How’s this?”

  “Perfect. Could you give me a hand for a minute?”

  “Sure thing. It tickles me to think of one of Dave’s nudes going down to L.A. I never fig
ured any of them would leave Porcupine.” Clyde carried the bubble wrap over to the table where Mitch had set down the nude.

  Once they began wrapping Quillamina, Mitch lowered his voice and covered it with the crinkle of the bubble wrap. “Give me a call at Betsy’s if and when he leaves here, okay?”

  Clyde nodded.

  Moments later, Mitch carried his nude back over to the Loose Moose. The wind gusting down the street pulled at Clyde’s tape job. Glancing toward the end of town, Mitch noticed the wind was blowing the top layer of powdery snow around. Sparkling in the sunlight, it was kind of pretty. Not that he’d ever choose to watch snow sparkle, but he might as well appreciate it while he was here.

  Inside the warmth of the Loose Moose lobby, he shucked his boots and coat before picking up his sculpture and climbing the stairs to his room. Quillamina was heavy. It would cost him a small fortune to ship her, but he didn’t care. He was growing fonder of her every day.

  He unlocked his door and carried Quillamina into his room. Betsy had been in to make his bed. No more rumpled blankets where he’d romped with Ally this morning. He thought about Ally out on the snowmobile with Tanya.

  The idea of her being someplace where he couldn’t see her really bothered him, but he hadn’t been able to come up with a way to stall her. Setting the sculpture on the floor, he turned on his laptop again to see if Pete had found any information on Tanya Mandell.

  * * *

  Ally had thought that Mitch drove the snowmobile like a maniac, but he was a little old lady compared to Tanya. They made an obscene amount of noise as they raced over the landscape, leaping small drifts and sending snow flying in their wake. The helmet and goggles helped cut the wind, but she’d pulled the collar of her coat up over her chin at the beginning of the ride, and it had slipped.

  She was afraid to let go of Tanya long enough to pull it back over her mouth, and her lips were like ice cubes. Worse yet, her doubts about Tanya had returned. Surely you couldn’t take pictures of wildlife if you charged into their environment like this.

  Through the tinted goggles Rudy had loaned her, Ally saw a flock of ptarmigans up ahead. She thought Tanya might slow down so they could try a few shots, but instead Tanya gunned the engine and the flock scattered. Ally wished she’d asked more questions about this trip, so that she’d have some idea of Tanya’s plans.