God Only Knows

by Xavier Knight

  Because she was late, Julia’s backside had barely hit the seat when Bullett called the meeting to order. As various members read off minutes and pulled her into exchanges about daily operations, as well as the status of the Board of Advisors’ fund-raising efforts, Julia held her game face. Answering every question with unfailing competence, she felt her stomach rumble with unease. How could she leave this job, this school system that —for all its warts —had shaped her? Was the move really what was best for Amber? She found herself tempted to ditch the resignation letter until fifty minutes later, when the first dreaded question of the day surfaced.

  “About this media blackout you’ve enforced lately,” John asked when they came to the “new business” section of the agenda. “Julia, I understand that you’re not being very communicative with the media lately, ever since Cassandra Gillette’s scandalous accusations about poor Eddie Walker hit the news. I don’t mean to put you on the spot —”

  “Oh, John,” Julia replied, reaching inside her portfolio for the first time, “of course you do.”

  “Now don’t get snippy with me, at least not yet,” he continued, chuckling nervously. Bullett had been forced to hire Julia three years ago when the board overruled him to make her their choice as superintendent, and six months later, he had told her personally that she’d finally won him over. That didn’t change the fact that he still enjoyed putting a young black woman in her place every now and again. “I want to make sure that we’re not disadvantaging the school, just because you’re in the middle of this controversy. We’re all well aware of your close friendship with Mrs. Gillette.”

  “You are aware of that friendship,” Julia said slowly, her eyes meeting Bullett’s first and then traveling around the table, “because I informed you of it the morning that Cassandra’s confession hit the news.” She snared the copy of her resignation letter, slipped it toward her lap. “It seems, however, that that was not enough for some of you, so —”

  The conference room door swung open suddenly, its whoosh causing Julia and everyone in the room to instinctively pivot in that direction. Marching into the room, Maxwell and Jake stood shoulder to shoulder. Dressed in business suits with shirts and ties, they stood like two warriors primed for battle.

  Recognizing them both, but openly befuddled, Bullett was the first to stand. “Dr. Simon, Pastor Campbell,” he said, “we’re in session right now. Is there something I can do for you?”

  “Mr. Bullett, everyone,” Maxwell replied, sending respectful nods around the table before walking over toward Julia. “We need a few minutes of Dr. Turner’s time.”

  Bullett glanced quizzically between Julia and the two intruders. “I’m not sure I understand why it couldn’t wait until after we’re finished. We’ll just be a few more minutes before we have a break.”

  Julia shivered as Maxwell stepped closer to her, so close she could feel his eyes scanning the text of her resignation letter. “Respectfully, sir, you don’t have a few minutes.”

  42

  Jake wiped a tear from his eye, then held out a hand to both Maxwell and Julia. “Let us pray.” They were seated in Julia’s office, Jake and Maxwell on her couch, Julia in a desk chair she had pulled up in front of the couch.

  Once he had finished his prayer, Jake collapsed back against the couch, seemingly gathering strength. “I saw the whole thing,” he said, his gaze fixed to Julia’s.

  “I-I don’t know what you mean,” Julia replied, though she knew her sudden glance toward Maxwell had probably betrayed her.

  Maxwell leaned forward, his eyes telling her he wished he could reach out a hand. “You can drop the scales, Julia.”

  “No, let me go first.” Jake wiped his mouth, then folded his hands together. “Before I say any more, Julia, I hope you’ll forgive me for my most recent sins against you. Ever since you returned to run the school, I’ve resented your presence in Dayton.”

  “Really.” Confused, Julia nodded respectfully.

  “It was unnerving enough to see that Cassie stayed in the area, but when you came back,” Jake continued, “I just knew it was a matter of time before the truth about Eddie came out.” He tapped his chest. “It was the Holy Spirit, I guess, a clear sensation in here telling me that the truth had to be told eventually. It may not shock you to hear that my flesh wasn’t excited about that possibility.” He glanced over at Maxwell. “Then you had the nerve to start dating my friend! I can’t defend it, but I really wanted you gone. I have a blessed life, one that doesn’t need the complications presented by Cassie’s confession.”

  Julia frowned. “Why would Cassie’s confession complicate your life?”

  “Because I know she’s only telling part of the truth.” Jake’s posture solidified. “Julia, I was out there in the bushes the night Eddie tried to mess with Cassie. I had slipped out there with Angie Jones, if you remember her, during the bonfire. My father helped run the whole bonfire and postgame activities, so I had time to kill while he was cleaning up and stuff.

  “Angie and I were out there doing our thing, you know, heavy petting and all the stuff I don’t want any of my girls doing at thirteen. After a few minutes, Angie got scared that she would miss her ride home, so she took off. I don’t know why, but I figured I’d sit down there in the brush and just take it easy for a few minutes. That’s when I heard Cassie run by, followed closely by Eddie. They were fifty, maybe a hundred, yards away from me at most, but there was a tree with a fat trunk between us and I crouched behind it.

  “At first, I figured maybe they were actually fooling around, and you both know, that would have been big news back then. I crouched for a minute to check them out, before realizing something was wrong. Eddie had Cassie pinned beneath him, and she was whimpering in what sounded like pain. I still wasn’t sure what was happening until she kicked him at one point and he reared back like he was going to hit her.”

  Julia crossed her legs, and felt her expression harden. “You saw him hit her, and stayed hidden?”

  “I’m under no delusions,” Jake replied, hands still clasped, head hung. “I was a coward. I’d never seen violence up close, and hadn’t thought kids we knew were capable of it.”

  “Let’s remember,” Maxwell said, “that Eddie was known for talking about the fact his family had guns around the house, and that they wouldn’t hesitate to shoot ‘niggers.’ I can’t say how I would have reacted in that situation, Julia.”

  Julia stared back at Maxwell, and despite the fact she’d written him off, she hoped her eyes sent the message Any man who can’t keep me safe is no man.

  “I believe I would have jumped into the thick of things,” Jake continued, “if you, Toya, and Terry hadn’t come along just then. I can’t give a perfect blow-by-blow account, but I remember the most important moments. He pulled that knife, tried to tell you all to stay back, until one of you rushed him. I’m pretty sure it was you, Julia.”

  Julia dropped her head for a private reflection. “So I was right about that.”

  Jake continued his recall of the girls’ confrontation with Eddie, corroborating Julia’s recall of her initial efforts to get the knife, then validating Toya’s recall that she had bashed the boy’s forehead with a loose brick when he broke free of Terry’s grasp.

  “I think what left him most disoriented,” Jake said finally, “were those kicks Terry delivered to his head. They were pretty brutal, not that he hadn’t asked for them by then.

  “The four of you were gone within seconds,” he said, continuing. “I didn’t know what to think, really. I was impressed with how well you all fought him off, ashamed of myself, and scared to death I’d be blamed for what had happened if I got involved. God wouldn’t let me flee the scene, though. So after a few seconds, I went to Eddie. He was a mess —crawling on his knees, coughing up blood, a huge welt on his forehead and blood dripping from a location I couldn’t quite figure out.

  “I helped him to his knees, held his face for a minute while trying to help him focus. Once
he had some of his bearings back, he asked me, ‘Did you see what happened, Jake? You see what those baboons did to me?’ I ignored the slur, of course, what was the point by then? I was in Good Samaritan mode, guys, praying for some way to get him home safely, but avoid this whole thing starting a race war. I draped an arm of his over my shoulders, and started helping him back toward the soccer field, where I knew my father and some other parents were still wrapping up from the bonfire and stuff. I told Eddie,” Jake said, wincing at the memory, “that we’d get him some medical help, that my dad could drive him to a hospital. I also promised him that if he would do the right thing and leave the girls out of it, I would never mention what I had seen. I told him, make up any story you want —some neighborhood kids jumped you for your jacket, or just because you were being a smart mouth, I didn’t care. Just leave the girls out of it, and I won’t tell about your assault on Cassie.” He raised his eyes to Julia’s. “I guess I had already figured that you girls would never tell anyone.”

  Julia showed no emotion as she crossed her legs again. “Considering what Eddie tried to do to Cassie, your deal sounds like a pretty good one.”

  Jake ignored the slam, returning his gaze to the carpet. “He considered it for a minute, I really think he did. He had me drag him away from the field at first, so we could talk out a story to construct without being found out. We were at the south end of the campus, not far from the main road, when he turned on me suddenly.” Jake shook his head. “I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he asked the question, a rhetorical one really. ‘Why’m I listening to you, Jake?’ It was like it had occurred to him all of a sudden that I was one of the ‘other,’ unworthy to provide him with advice. He told me that my popularity with the white kids hadn’t fooled him, that he knew when it counted I would side with my fellow ‘baboons.’ Next thing I knew, he was vowing to make the girls pay for roughing him up. ‘My word versus theirs,’ he said, enough times that I finally told him to shut up. ‘I was there,’ I told him. ‘You can’t change that, Eddie.’ I told him if he was going to go his own way, I’d go mine. I turned back toward the field to get my father, when Eddie suddenly found his strength. Next thing I knew, he’d cuffed the back of my head with a fist.

  “I was shocked, but not paralyzed. Maybe it was my residual shame over sitting by while you girls took him on, maybe it was just a sense that this kid felt he had nothing to lose. I turned back on him and swung, hard. I landed one punch, then another before he tried to charge me. I deflected him pretty easily —he was awfully winded, obviously —but he tried to come at me again. When I cuffed him on the chin, he backed off me. ‘This ain’t over,’ he said, trying to keep his balance as he backed away. I stood there, I’ll tell you now, and watched Eddie Walker limp toward his meeting with that truck. I wanted to go and stop him, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t know what to do.

  “I was maybe halfway through the woods, nearing the soccer field, when I heard the slamming of brakes out on the street. By the time I got back to the bonfire area, my father and several other parents were out on the road, hysterical over Eddie and calling the police.”

  Julia raised slitted eyes, darting her glare from Maxwell to Jake. “Are you finished?” Registering the wounded look on Jake’s face, she said, “You understand this is meaningless if you stay safely hidden in the shadows?”

  Julia almost —almost —felt a twinge of shame when Jake dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders quaking with sobs. “Julia,” Maxwell said, one hand on his friend’s shoulders, “I wouldn’t have let him come over here without first counting the cost.”

  43

  Flanked by their respective attorneys, Julia, Cassie, Terry, Toya, and Jake filed into the Marriott conference room and took seats at the front table. As cameras and bulbs flashed in her face, Julia rose and stood at the podium stationed at the far end of the table. Daring a glance, she caught sight of her father, Marcus, M.J., and Maxwell in the front row. She found herself looking for Peter Whitlock and his mother as well, and was surprised to feel disappointment at their apparent absence.

  Once the room had quieted sufficiently, she cleared her throat and began her remarks. “I want to welcome all of you here this morning,” she said, her voice strong and steady. “To the members of the media, I ask your understanding for the fact that aside from my reading this statement, our attorneys will answer all questions. To the members of local churches and community organizations, we thank you for your support and honest reactions to the controversy in which we found ourselves.

  “I stand before you today very relieved that the legal proceedings around all five of us have now been resolved, but I am here on the group’s behalf to say this is no celebration. While none of us asked to be placed in a situation that led to such a tragic outcome for young Eddie Walker, we recognize that our experience that fateful night will never be easy for some to digest. We’re here today to clear as much air as possible, so that our attorneys can explain not just the truths we all lived, but the factors that convinced the district attorney to reduce all charges to misdemeanors carrying fines and required community service. Once that has been explained, we commit ourselves corporately to fight the racial and economic divisions that are a part of this closely held tragedy. We will report more about our activities along that line in the coming weeks. God bless you, and thank you for your time this morning.”

  As Julia returned to her seat, accepting an affirming back pat from Cassie, she wiped a tear, despite herself. She realized for the first time that she had spent twenty years assuming she would have to go to her grave with this secret, trusting and praying that God had forgiven her silence, in light of the circumstances. The freedom she felt at this moment —despite the occasional harassing phone call from strangers spitting racist taunts and the stack of legal bills sitting on her kitchen counter —was a gift more precious than she could have imagined.

  Patiently she endured as her lawyer and each of the others’ attorneys soaked up the free media and answered the reporters’ many questions. As the conference wound down, Julia actually found herself doodling on the top sheet of her speech, which she had read from a typed script.

  She was still scribbling mindlessly when the back door of the ballroom opened. Edna Morrison stepped across the entrance tentatively, her eyes hooded by both shame and defiance, and the disgraced Peter Whitlock followed behind his mother. Toya’s attorney was completing his remarks, but for a second no one cared, all eyes darting toward the mother-son team as they crept their way down the middle aisle.

  “Unfinished business,” Julia said under her breath. Without a second’s wait, she pushed her chair back and calmly descended the stage. Walking down the middle aisle, she met Edna halfway and extended her hand, nodding to Pete as if to reassure him.

  As the attorney went into his summation, Edna linked one arm underneath Julia’s, letting the taller, younger woman guide her to the front row.

  The already hushed room fell completely silent.

  44

  Despite everyone’s best efforts, the word somehow leaked in advance that the “Christian Light Four” would be visiting the nursing home. As the large Lincoln sedan carrying them pulled into the parking lot, Julia, Cassie, Toya, and Terry looked with hushed silence on the dozens of reporters and camera crew members dotting the home’s front walk. As her mouth grew parched with anxiety, Cassie envied Jake, who had been cagey enough to make a surprise visit the night before.

  The men with them —Marcus, Toya’s husband George, and the limo driver —cleared a path, shielding the ladies from the reporters and flashing cameras. “This is a private meeting,” Marcus said repeatedly, pausing at several points to aim shaming stares at his former media colleagues. “You all can go home, please.”

  A young, spindly, blond reporter reached through the scrum and snared Cassie’s elbow. “Mrs. Gillette,” she said, “is it true that Eddie Walker’s mother convinced all of you to come here this afternoon, that she beli
eves your prayers could move God to bring her son out of his vegetative state?”

  Cassie nearly chided the woman for such a ridiculous question, then recalled her attorney’s cautions and turned away. A few more steps, a few more outlandish questions, a few more flashes of the camera, and finally the women were ushered into the nursing home’s front lobby.

  Edna Whitlock-Walker-Morrison sat just inside the door, a weathered cloth purse on her lap and a baggy trench coat still covering her clothes. Raising pained eyes as the women crossed the threshold, she smiled as if pleasantly surprised they had actually come.

  “Mrs. Morrison, good morning.” Cassie dutifully stepped out in front of Julia and the others, bending over the aging woman and wrapping her in a hug. Somehow, Edna had taken a liking to her out of the four women —or as close to a liking as was possible under the circumstances. During the hour that the women had spent with Edna following the big press conference, Eddie’s mother had proven to be the most tangible evidence Cassie had ever observed of God’s grace. She couldn’t imagine having the strength to sit across the table from someone who had played any role in harm brought to M.J., Heather, or Hillary.

  What else but the filling of the Spirit could have empowered Edna to so calmly, almost lovingly, shake the hand of each woman as they had entered that Marriott conference room. Maxwell Simon and Jake Campbell had been there with Edna, Maxwell serving as the moderator and Jake simply observing; he had already met with the woman a few days earlier.

  “I want to thank you all again for taking the time to meet with me the other day,” Edna said now. As Cassie and the others took seats surrounding Edna’s, the older woman held to Cassie’s hand. “It was important for me to know each of you as people, to see you as more than faceless children who robbed me of my Eddie, the one that I knew and loved for fourteen years. As I told you then, I didn’t want to believe Cassie’s initial claims about my boy’s actions toward her, but God worked in mysterious ways to confirm her honesty. I know in my heart that you four and Pastor Campbell have grown into fine adults, the type of citizens I believe Eddie could have developed into. And it’s clear that one thing you didn’t do is try and coordinate your stories in some false fashion.”