God Only Knows

by Xavier Knight

  “Mrs. Morrison,” Cassie said, squeezing Edna’s hand and glancing at Julia to gather her own strength, “we had to finally tell the truth. Whether I liked it or not, God used Peter to make us do that. We struggled to finally get it all out, I’ll admit, but I hope you understand once we started, we couldn’t hold back.”

  Edna nodded, her hands searching her purse for a tissue she retrieved. She blew her nose before saying, “My boy wronged you, Cassie. That is a shame I will take to my grave.”

  “It may be no comfort,” Cassie said, tone hushed to ensure that strangers across the aisle didn’t hear, “but we’ll never know whether Eddie would have gone beyond the legal definition of assault with me. He did not molest me, ma’am. My friends broke it up before things could escalate that far. For all we know, he might have eventually let me go without forcing himself on me.”

  “He was a good boy. I know I sound like a broken record, but before we go in there, I want you all to remember that.” Edna took the time to connect eyes with all four women. “He hadn’t learned how to respect women yet, I’ll admit that, but please know that was my fault, not his. Eddie didn’t have a stable father figure in his life until he was almost twelve, my second husband. And by then, he was already full of bitterness over barely knowing his father and over the fact he’d hated most of the boyfriends I had after his daddy left.

  “There was so much I couldn’t give my kids back then,” Edna continued, tears coming again. “I was doing my best, but I’d had Peter so young and was always trying to dig out of a financial hole. Eddie, see, he was at a disadvantage because he didn’t have Pete’s good looks or natural self-confidence. My oldest may have disgraced his police department with the way he treated you, Cassie, but, believe me, I am still proud of him. That boy earned his way into the police academy and then into a detective’s job, without any of the inside connections or high-priced education of a lot of his colleagues.

  “Eddie was still coming into his own. Wasn’t good in sports, and was struggling in math and science. He felt like he didn’t fit in. I just think he was such a bundle of nerves . . .” She stared helplessly at Julia for a second, as if Cassie weren’t in the room. “I talked to him once or twice about Cassie, okay? She was so beautiful, even I remember that from seeing her a few times when I would pick Eddie up from school. We weren’t used to seeing girls who looked like her then —yellow-brown skin with hair like a white girl’s. Eddie was fascinated with you,” she said, finally facing Cassie again, “and the truth is he had no acceptable way to tell you.”

  Cassie nodded respectfully. “I understand.”

  “Well,” Edna said, slowly leaning forward and preparing to stand, “I’d like us to go in to him now. I know nothing’s promised, but I just believe that if anyone’s prayers can reach his soul, it’s yours.”

  Cassie patted Edna’s hand and stood along with her, but she locked eyes with Julia, who was slower getting to her feet. Terry and Toya also remained still, their eyes glassy with apparent shock at what they were about to face.

  “Oh.” Edna turned suddenly as the other women slowly rose. “I forgot. They usually only allow three of us at a time in to see him, but I got them to make an exception. They have asked that we be as quiet as possible, though, out of respect for the surrounding residents and their families.” Edna paused, apparently noticing the wobble in Toya’s knees and the nauseous look on Cassie’s face. “Of course I explained that this won’t exactly be a party.”

  Cassie stepped back toward Toya. “Will you give us one minute?”

  “I’ll just wait for you at the lobby door,” Edna said, pointing. “Just beyond the receptionist’s desk there.”

  “Thank you.” Cassie turned to Toya, whose mascara had started to run from an apparent combination of sweat and tears. “Toya,” Cassie said, “I want to thank you again for coming back into town for all this.”

  “Yeah, girl,” Terry said. “You’ve surprised me, been a real soldier about everything.”

  “It’s not like I had much of a choice, is it?” Toya tried desperately to collect herself. “Once Julia and Terry chose to go to the police along with Jake, I would have looked like odd man out if I’d played dumb.”

  “Well, I seriously doubt the police would have pursued you to the ends of Paris, much less the earth.” Julia gave a thin smile. “You showed your true colors by even entering the lion’s den of the legal system with us, Toya. Thank you.”

  “Don’t start thanking me now,” she replied, “because you’ll just have to take it back when I fly out of here first thing tonight. I can’t let Dayton grow on me again, ladies. It’s like a fungus, you know.”

  “Okay, hush,” Terry replied, making a zipping motion across her own lips and holding an arm out toward Toya. “Come on, Miss Mouth. Let’s go.”

  Cassie looked over at Julia, extending a hand. “Ready?”

  Julia blinked in agreement and grasped tight to Cassie’s hand. Stepping forward, she led the way this time as they signed in at the receptionist desk and linked hands with Edna. As the door leading to the patient rooms buzzed, Cassie prayed for the Holy Spirit’s touch on her and all three of her friends. For regardless of his intentions twenty years before, the Eddie Walker of today deserved every bit of prayers and grace she and her friends could give him.

  45

  Eddie Walker’s surroundings were far simpler than Julia had imagined in the many dreams accompanying her recent restless nights. As she followed behind Edna, one hand still in Cassie’s, Julia found herself looking for the battery of equipment that should surround him: respirators, a maze of tubes, and diagnostic computers used to track every aspect of his precarious health. As she quickly grabbed the nearest chair and scooted it close to the bed, ushering Edna into it, she swallowed deep at the realization: There was nothing here but Eddie, a bed, and a feeding tube snaking down from his left side.

  “He’s been here for nearly six years,” Edna said once she had sunk into the seat. Hands in her lap, she looked upon her shaggy-haired, bearded son with an easy smile. “Excuse his grooming, it’s actually not the fault of the nurses here. Eddie may not speak anymore, but it’s clear he’s no fan of razors or clippers. Every time they bring in a barber, he rears up in bed and yells like the dickens!”

  Staring at Edna and Julia from the other side of the bed, Terry let go of Toya’s hand as she said, “I-I thought he was a vegetable.”

  “He’s in a vegetative state, he’s no vegetable,” Edna replied. Her words came quickly and sharply, though her eyes softened the blow. “Three times now, he’s been declared to be in a minimally conscious state even, but then his progress slows and another doctor comes in to reclassify him.”

  Cassie rose from the chair she had taken on the other side of Julia, a movement so sudden that it startled everyone but Edna. “If you wouldn’t mind, Mrs. Morrison,” she said, “would you let me trade seats with you for a minute?”

  Julia turned toward her friend, tempted to speak her mind, but trying to let her eyes handle things. “I’m sure Mrs. Morrison is worn down, Cassie. Why don’t —”

  “No, I’m happy to let Cassie sit here,” Edna replied, already halfway out of her seat. She looked around the room, her gaze alighting briefly on each woman. “I believe you young women, do you hear me? I know in my soul that what you said about my boy is true. Don’t think it didn’t take nights of prayer, days of cursing your names through gritted teeth.” Pacing around to the chair Cassie had vacated, she leaned against its back. “God brought me this far, though, and that means that out of all of you, she’s the one who most needs to say her piece to Eddie.”

  Cassie settled into the seat, her eyes now even with Eddie’s glazed gaze. Julia nearly looked away in pain as Cassie leaned forward and reached over the railing to adjust the man’s thin wool blanket so that it covered him up to his waist. “Eddie,” she said as she sat back but kept one hand on the bed rail, “if you can hear me, this is Cassie. Your doctors would say you have
no idea what I’m talking about, but just in case they’re wrong, I want you to know that I forgive you. What you may have meant for bad that night, God meant for good. He spared me from your intentions, and while I faced other trials afterward, I was strong enough to survive them. I’ve sinned plenty in my life, but God has given me so much. You committed one sin that night, sure, but by comparison, you’ve had to pay in ways I wouldn’t want to imagine.”

  She stood now, grasping both of Eddie’s hands and looking deeply into his milky green eyes. “I am so sorry that things ended the way they did,” she said, her tears splashing against his face. “May God bless you, Eddie. May God bless you.”

  “Oh, Jesus!” Edna stood suddenly, hands outstretched toward the ceiling. “Thank you! Thank you!” She shut her eyes and began to pray. “I’ve stood fast, Lord, year after year, as doctors said I should let this boy go. Is this a sign, Father? A sign that, now that my boy’s sin has been revealed and forgiven, you can bring him out of his state? Oh, Jesus, please!”

  Julia rose slowly, her gaze willing Toya and Terry to do the same. Voice hushed, she asked, “May we all pray together?” When all five women had joined hands and surrounded Eddie’s bed, Julia led their words to the Lord.

  “Heavenly Father,” she prayed, “thank you for inspiring Cassie with the first part of what you’ve willed for this meeting today. Thank you for giving her the courage to show Eddie the same grace you showed all of us when you died on the cross for our sins. You didn’t have to do it, Lord, but you did. Now may Toya, Terry, and I especially cover the other side of this interaction —the confession of our sin, the fact that we avoided telling the truth about that night all those years ago. We justified the decision at the time, Father, and many times since, but in the end, we did nothing but prolong Mrs. Morrison’s pain about exactly what befell her son, and we allowed Peter to become obsessed with seeking revenge. We ask for Eddie’s forgiveness, Lord, even as we ask for yours.”

  Julia was just about to say “Amen” when the room filled with a low, raspy moan. Involuntarily popping her eyes open, Julia flushed with shock at the sight of Eddie’s mouth as it gaped open, then closed. “Mmm,” came the incoherent groans, “Mmm.” Struck silent, the women stood still as he emitted the sudden noise and his eyes began to run with tears.

  “Oh, my God,” Toya said, nearly under her breath.

  Cassie stood back from the bed, her eyes on Edna. “D-Do you want to speak to him?”

  Smiling, tears flowing from her own eyes, Edna sauntered around Cassie and threw herself over her son’s shoulders. After she had kissed his cheek, she slowly raised her eyes to Julia and Cassie, speaking over Eddie’s ongoing moans. “This isn’t a miracle, at least not yet,” she said, “but it’s been weeks since he’s made any noise, and I haven’t seen his eyes water in months.” She wiped at her eyes as she said, “He may never be able to tell you ladies, but I know in my heart that he heard every word you just said.”

  46

  I haven’t worn jeans this casual in years,” Cassie hissed in self-disgust as she slid onto the passenger seat in Julia’s car. Buckling herself in, she shot a playfully cross glare at her friend, who chuckled in amusement. “Stop laughing. Not only do I look a hot mess, I’m petrified that if I make one wrong move, I’ll split the seam of these in two.”

  “That’s because you’re trying too hard to look like someone you’re not,” Julia replied, shrugging and smiling as she backed out of Cassie’s driveway. “How many times do I have to tell you? Kids see right through us adults when we step onto their turf. Whether you’re wearing a business suit or those hideous painter’s jeans, they will peg you instantly as a ‘rich’ black lady. Deal with it and come as you are.”

  “Oh, really?” Cassie was just this side of being truly insulted now. “So how will the children of Northridge look upon the great Dr. Julia Turner?”

  “Let’s see. They’ll look at my natural hairdo and guess me to be an uptight, bitter black radical who’s never had any fun in her life. They may also assume —rightly so at this point, I guess —that there’s no man waiting for me at home.”

  Cassie nudged her girl’s shoulder playfully. “Well, who says you can’t take it while also dishing it out?” She relaxed against her seat, rolling down the sleeves of her sweat jacket. “Hey, separate topic. I keep forgetting to ask, do you need another pair of hands on the Christian Light Board of Advisors?” It had been almost six weeks since their meeting with Eddie and Edna, and while life would never be the same, Cassie at least felt confident that it would be manageable for her and for her family. “Now that some of the drama has finally eased, I can clear some time for you all.”

  “Are you sure?” Julia glanced over, smiling despite the concerned look in her eyes. “With everything going on at the agency, I wasn’t sure whether —”

  “That work stream is taking care of itself,” Cassie said, waving a hand. In the weeks since the resolution of her legal case, the leakage Cassie’s business had suffered had finally stalled. Her volume of listings had leveled off, and she was no longer seeing clients defect without any good reason. “Between you and me, there’s a chance my fears about having to lay off half my staff may not materialize.”

  “Praise God.” Julia grinned. “When did you figure this out? This is news.”

  “My accountant ran down some numbers for me, based around a scenario where we move the agency into one of the foreclosed properties we already own. It’s a duplex over near Salem and Grand. Not the greatest block in that area even, but I went through the place with a contractor, who’s confident he can get it up to code for a few thousand dollars. We do that, and the operational savings will keep us in the black. And I do mean black.” Cassie shook her head at the poor attempt at humor. “I used to pride myself on having a great real estate agency period, Julia, not a great black agency. At this point, though, that’s where all the new business is coming from.”

  Julia sighed as she brought the car to a stop at a red light. “The fair-skinned community will either forgive or forget eventually, Cassie. Just keep calling on the Spirit and providing great service. God will reward that.”

  “That faith keeps me going into the office each day,” Cassie replied. “We’ll keep living beneath our means in the interim. So, are you accepting my offer to help with the board or not?”

  Julia smiled. “Well, technically, we only have one open seat on the board. Maxwell’s.”

  “I thought you two buried the hatchet, that he was back on the board?”

  “Well,” Julia replied, stretching out her response, “we agreed to discuss the parameters of how his return to the board would work.”

  Cassie shook her head. “Oh, no. Are we playing games here? I thought we agreed that you were going to get over his baby-mama and little girl, and rekindle the friendship, even if that’s what you limit it to.”

  “I said that, and I meant it.” Julia grinned despite herself. “I just sense that he’s not going to stop with rejoining the board, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks I owe him in some way, for bringing Jake to us.”

  “It’s not your place to read his mind,” Cassie replied. “Keep in mind that what’s at stake is the fate of Christian Light, not your pride.”

  “I know,” Julia said, her eyes staring off into the distance as they came to a stop again. “This has been good for me.”

  “What do you mean by that?” Cassie felt her forehead crease with confusion. “You mean our road to confession?”

  “Well, that goes without saying,” Julia replied, nodding. “I was talking about Maxwell’s dishonesty. It made me face up to the same teenage anxieties that I bore all these years, the fear that no man would really want me, that I’d never live up to the ideals men see in sisters like you or in the Jessica Simpsons of the world.”

  Cassie placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “You know, with everything going on, we haven’t been able to talk about that kind of thing much lately. I’m sorry.�
��

  “Don’t be. God definitely used the shock of meeting Maxwell’s little Nia to help show me that I could withstand such heartbreak. It hurt, you know that, but between the fact that I had to keep providing for Amber and try to save you from yourself, I couldn’t get caught up in those emotions. And now I know that while it would be nice to have a man like Maxwell Simon in my life, I don’t need him at any cost. God will get me by.”

  “I’m proud of you,” Cassie said, smiling over at Julia as they neared their highway exit. “Look at us now, huh?”

  When the Northridge High School building came into view a few minutes later, the women stared at one another as if just realizing what they had signed up for. They had agreed weeks earlier that God had delivered them from legal prosecution because He wanted to now use their tragic confrontation with Eddie Walker for good. In a time where their notoriety in the local news was a source of racial division, Julia and Cassie had agreed to spend two nights a week tutoring at-risk children in this majority-white school district. Edna’s eyes had widened when Cassie had told her of their decision days earlier. “You’ll be interacting with kids just like Eddie,” she had said, eyes dewy. “Just by showing up and helping them —children outside your community, who don’t look like you —you can model Jesus for them. You can change their lives!”

  Cassie tapped Julia’s hand as they prepared to climb from the car. “Do we know what we’re doing here?”

  “No, Cassie,” Julia replied, patting her friend’s hand back, “but God does.”