“Gabriel.” He shook her hand. Her small hand was quickly engulfed in his own. The slightest chill went through him at the contact. He fought to keep the surprise off his face. One brief touch, and her pain had radiated through him like nothing ever had before.
A shy smile crossed her face. “You’ll have to forgive me for not remembering you.” She blushed as he let go of her hand. “Josh knew so many people.” Her lips pressed together as her gaze drifted away from him to the line of people ahead of them down the aisle. More of the family stood near the exit, including his parents.
A tidal wave of emotion tugged at him. “He was an amazing man,” Gabriel said, hoping to keep her tears he knew were coming from falling. “And you are his love.”
She smiled then, and the calm he radiated seemed to reach her. Her face softened, the sadness fading for a few precious moments. “Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it. You’re never far from his thoughts.” From the corner of his eye, he saw Alec start to approach and knew it was time to cut his meeting with her short. “I’m sure I’ll see you again, sometime.”
She nodded. “Thank you…for what you said, I think I-I needed to hear it.”
People made their way through the family receiving line. She skipped through, shielded between Blake and Alec. She couldn’t accept a single more I’m sorry aimed her way if her life depended on it. She let the two of them guide her out into the harsh sunlight. The bank of dark grey clouds had drifted out over the water since they’d gone in the church. She wanted them back, wanted them to block out the bright light that hurt her eyes as much as her heart was aching.
Alec helped her into the car, and she tucked herself into the corner. She caught the concerned look exchanged between the two men. She could lie and say she was fine, she just wanted silence, to be left on her own, but she couldn’t make herself say the words. Her voice would betray her too easily.
Her jaw hurt from holding back her tears so strongly inside. She hadn’t wanted to be the sobbing woman left behind, the one everyone needed to pity for the rest of her days.
Blake angled himself across from her and opened the small fridge. “Anyone for a water? Juice?”
Alec tucked his sunglasses into his suit jacket, showing the puffiness of his eyes. “Water would be good.” He shot her a look. “What about you, sweetheart?”
“Not right now.”
“You sure?” Blake tried, holding out a small can of ginger ale. “You need something. You barely ate this morning.”
Nice to know they noticed. She’d taken half a dozen bites of dry toast before retreating to her bedroom that morning, wanting to crawl back in bed and never face this day. How could she? This was too final. Too much of a closure. Too sudden for her liking. She hadn’t yet come to terms with what happened, and now it was slapped back in her face.
Alec squeezed her hand and she realized Blake still held out the open can to her. “Just a little sip, sweetheart. We’ll be at the cemetery soon and then—”
And then…
She didn’t want to go there. Didn’t want to hear yet another speech, see the people crying over their loss. Over her loss. Over Josh being taken away without a reason.
***
Blake held her hand as she stared out the tinted window. The funeral had been pretty brief, the one thing the family had agreed upon right away. No one wanted to put Avery through the strain of a long service, and he wondered yet again if she should have even gone at all. Just looking at her tore his heart out. Even though it had been a very intimate crowd of family and friends, his father had spoken and so had he, just a few quick words. His eyes had been drawn to her the whole time he spoke, afraid that she’d find it all too much to take. Alec had planned on saying something too, and had stood at one point but couldn’t take the first step to make it to the podium.
If the rest of the afternoon went as planned, they’d be taking her home within two hours. He wanted her to rest, to try and forget about as much of this as she could. His parents would take most of the guests back to their house for the afternoon while he and Alec went back to the house with her.
Blake leaned his head on her shoulder, looking out the window too. It felt like the procession was taking forever to get to the gravesite. “Avery?”
“Yeah?”
“You okay? You’re awfully pale.”
Her mouth opened and she looked like she wanted to snap at him, but instead she simply reached up and adjusted her sunglasses. “I’m getting close to being all cried out. I’ll probably sleep the rest of the day away when we get home.”
His heart sank with those words. Even though he knew how much she needed her rest, he wished she’d open up a little more, get the words out. Holding things in wasn’t going to help her any. She hadn’t cried a single tear through the service, and that worried him.
***
Avery couldn’t pay attention to what was being said anymore as they stood in the light drizzle at the cemetery, Blake holding the large umbrella over her and Alec. It was all getting to be too much. Part of her didn’t think she could take one more minute. The words became a distant buzz in her ear while she tried to find something else to focus on. All she wanted was to get through the last bit of this without teetering over. She heard the muffled crying from the family beside her. Was it wrong she couldn’t cry? Not here. Not with everyone around. She preferred to cry when she was by herself, without what felt like the world watching. Her eyes stayed on the flowers in her hand, two beautiful, perfect white roses. She twirled them around her gloved hands, watching them rotate ever so slowly. Blake had handed them to her as they’d gotten out of the limo. It had taken her a moment to understand why.
She felt a hand on her shoulder, and Alec leaned close to her. “Is it almost over?” she whispered.
He nodded.
She straightened up a little, in time to see the first rose being tossed. Her heart clenched, and she quickly turned away, not wanting that memory burned into her mind.
Blake leaned over close. “Alec, why don’t you take Avery back to the limo? She doesn’t need to be here for the last part.”
Alec already had his hand extended towards her. “You coming too?”
“Be there in a couple minutes.”
“All right.” He carefully took the oversized umbrella from Blake. “Come on, sweetheart.” He held his arm out to her, and she took it numbly, slowly getting to her feet. Her legs were wobbly all of a sudden and she was grateful to have him for support as they began to walk.
He kept her close, his arm around her waist. “He’s gone, he’s really gone.” The words spilled from her without meaning to. It had struck her as she stood up. She was leaving, but he wasn’t coming with her. There was no chance that this was all some mistake. This was really it.
Alec squeezed her tighter as she swayed just the slightest bit. “Let’s go get you somewhere warm, okay?”
Josh followed close behind, refusing to look back. Like Avery, it had all been too much for him. The anguish on the faces of everyone he loved was too hard to deal with.
Chapter 5
Alec unlocked the front door of Avery and Josh’s and helped Avery inside, well aware of the slight stumble in her steps as they walked in, the day clearly beginning to take its toll. The house was cast in shadows thanks to the dark storm clouds outside. Blake shook off the umbrella behind them before closing the door. They’d been the first vehicle to leave the cemetery, and he was glad they were. That way she could have some time on her own. He wasn’t sure she was up to facing yet another large group of people. While there’d be a small get together at the Collins’, Avery had decided that morning that would just be too much for her.
He helped her off with her jacket and hung it on the coat rack, eager to flip on the lights, and get them out of the dreary darkness. The rain had slowed to a steady downpour on the way back, a mirror of how many tears they’d all shed in the last few days. Avery sighed softly and headed slowly into t
he living room toward the leather couch and he followed close behind, watching for any stumble in her steps that shouldn’t be there.
“Mom said they’d be over right after…after it ended,” Blake said, almost as if he were afraid to say the words, after the casket was lowered and his brother was fully and completely laid to rest.
Avery nodded and put her things down on the coffee table in front of them. “I guess I should get some things ready for them.”
Alec wrapped arms around her. “Honey, you don’t need to entertain anyone, they’re here for you.”
She took a shaky breath, her head down so she obviously didn’t have to meet their gazes. “I know.”
Alec lifted her chin so he could look intently into her eyes. “It’s okay to let it out, you know.” He was amazed she’d stayed so stoic during everything so far. She either had a resolve of steel or she was as numb as he was, and just better at keeping everything inside, something he knew couldn’t be wise.
She sniffled, a weary, weak attempt at a smile crossing her lips. “All I do is cry…” She gave a pitiful little laugh and wiped her tears away as she sheepishly glanced at them both.
“We’re all crying, hon, it’s because we miss him,” Blake assured her. “Why don’t you sit down for a while and try to relax?”
“That’s a good idea,” Alec agreed, “I can put some coffee on.”
She stood there for a moment, just looking around, her eyes scanning every corner of the room, and he wondered what she saw, what it was she was looking for. Everywhere he looked, he saw his older brother. It wasn’t easy on him being there, surrounded by so much of Josh, the way it seemed like he was about to come down the stairs at any minute and ask what they were all so dressed up for. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for her. Just really starting to build their lives together, and to lose him so suddenly, without warning. He could see how really lost she was without him.
Avery sat there on the couch, Alec talking beside her, his voice seeming far away. Blake stood staring out the front windows, his hands in his pants pockets. All she wanted was to be alone, really alone, and let herself fall.
It was all just starting to get to her. The watchful gazes of the brothers. The dress. The mood of the day. The silence. She suddenly felt confined, like someone she wasn’t. She inched forward on the couch. “You know, I think I’m going to grab a shower.”
Both men turned to look at her and for a moment she wondered what Alec had been talking about before she had interrupted. She’d clearly given away the fact she hadn’t been paying the least bit of attention by the way they were looking at her. She pulled the dress away from her body. “I just need to get out of this,” she explained. A shower would be good. She could get out of that stifling dress and be alone for a while. Cry under the steady stream of water and pretend the tears that fell were nothing more than the water pouring down on her.
Alec nodded quickly and Blake stepped toward her. “You need anything?”
She stood slowly. “No, I’m…” She hesitated over the word fine. “I’ll be okay. You guys make yourselves comfortable.” She tried to smile for their benefit but their worried expressions made her think she failed miserably at the task. “I won’t be long.”
She gave Blake a tight hug, hoping it would reassure him, before she left the room. She didn’t want him to worry about her. She didn’t want to cause anyone any more worry. They all had enough emotions to deal with without her adding any to the mix.
Alone upstairs, she turned the lock on the bedroom door and sank back against the cool surface as all the emotions she’d kept back at the funeral hit her full force, pinning her against the door with their weight.
He was gone.
Her bottom lip trembled as she slid down to the ground, her hand coming up to cover her mouth to stifle any sound that dared escape, but none came, her voice as silent as the tears that streamed down her face. It felt like she was suddenly all alone in a dark, desolate world and there was no escape, no way out, and no one to tell her how to find her way.
It had been driven home for her that morning. She hadn’t ever imagined that when she walked down an aisle toward him, it would be for his funeral and not their wedding.
She couldn’t accept it. Everywhere she looked, there were traces of Josh. His cologne still hung in the air. His sketchbooks were still half stuffed on the shelves. His game consoles still sat on the bookshelf, frozen in time, waiting for him. Just like she was…
All she wanted, needed, so desperately needed, was him. She closed her eyes.
“Josh.”
His name filled the space. Empty, cold, cruel space. How could a room feel like that? A room that had always made her feel safe and comfortable and loved was now foreign as if she’d stepped into a stranger’s home. Her entire body ached from the tears she couldn’t keep inside anymore, all the emotion overwhelming her to the point of drowning in pain. She rocked back and forth, the tears falling unabashed as she stared at the bed, her lonely, heartbreakingly empty bed. The last place she’d seen him, the last place she’d touched him, the last place she’d made love to him.
She couldn’t face that room anymore. She pulled at the dress, desperate to get it off. She tossed it on the floor as she headed into her bathroom, closing the door. She turned the shower on high and caught her reflection. She didn’t even recognize the woman staring back at her, wide eyed and sad, a lost look in her eyes she couldn’t stand. Her body didn’t show a single sign of pregnancy, in fact she looked smaller than she had when they found out about the baby. She blinked back a fresh rush of tears and turned away, stepping under the shower spray.
Tilting her head up, she let the first wave of tears fall, mixing with the water, her shoulders shaking with the strength of the emotion. She leaned against the wall and slid down then drew her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead against them as the tremors took over. All the emotion, pain, she’d been holding back that morning overtook her and the brutal truth rushed toward her, hurtling with speed like a freight train. Josh had gone, and with him, so had all their dreams and hopes for the future. All the little plans, the baseball games and the trip to the Keys. The concert tickets to see his favorite band play in July.
She was alone.
All alone, no matter what anyone else tried to tell her, because no matter that they’d lost a brother or a son or a friend, she’d lost her everything. Her heart, her soul, her future, her love.
She curled up in a tighter ball, letting everything out as that now familiar chill encircled her, dotting goose bumps all over her body despite the hot water pouring down on her, washing her tears away.
***
Blake had watched her go upstairs, not sure whether or not she really should be alone. He knew she likely wanted her space, some time to grieve in private without feeling like everyone was watching her. He ran a hand over his hair absently, suddenly tired and weary. He’d paced around the living room so many times he was amazed there weren’t grooves in the carpet.
He’d checked his cell phone over and over, finding nothing more than a few condolence texts from friends and a couple messages from family asking how Avery was holding up. How could he tell them he didn’t know? He couldn’t read her.
“I think I’m gonna grab a drink,” Alec said from where he still sat on the couch.
He looked at his youngest brother. Alec’s façade he’d been putting on for Avery had vanished, and he too looked lost, like they all did. “I think we could both use one.” He needed something to dull the thoughts that kept coming to him. That he had no clue what to do, how to take care of her. He had to, he knew that’s what Josh would have wanted the most, but at that moment, having watched her make her way so slowly up the stairs as if she’d aged decades since they’d come in the house, he had no idea what he could do for her. Short of somehow magically making Josh walk through that front door again, there was no way to fix her broken heart.
They both headed into the kitchen and wh
ile Alec dug through the cupboards, finding the ground coffee beans to start a pot of coffee, Blake went through the fridge. At the back he found an unopened bottle of wine and set it on the counter. He had a feeling more than one of them might need a drink later to get through the rest of the day.
Alec leaned against the counter, rolling up his sleeves. His eyes were still puffy from crying. “How do you think she really is?” he asked as Blake eyed the wine bottle.
Blake cast a look at the ceiling. Faintly he could hear the strains of the shower running. “Numb, I think. Maybe it’s better that way, at least for now.” He loosened his tie and undid the top buttons of his own shirt. He wondered how much longer it was going to be until his parents showed up. The house was silent, awfully silent, like it was mourning the loss of Josh, too. The quietness was a painful reminder that the music he always played was missing. He didn’t think Avery could take it much longer. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I don’t want to leave her alone right now.”
“Me either,” Alec admitted. “She’s fragile, Blake. She looked like a little porcelain doll in the limo with us. I’ve never seen her like that before.”
Blake let out a deep breath. She hadn’t ever lost the love of her life before. “We’ll just keep an eye on her. That’s all we can do. Be there for her.” It was all he’d come up with. He hoped she knew she could count on them, all of them for whatever she needed. Someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, that’s what the whole family was there for.
The two men stayed in silence until the coffee pot beeped. Alec automatically grabbed two mugs from the counter and filled them. Just as he held out the one to Blake, they heard footsteps behind them.
Blake took a long sip of his hot coffee, needing the jolt to help him clear the fog in his mind as he turned to see Avery standing there, a little color in her face thanks to her shower. Her damp hair hung loose and wavy past her shoulders. She smiled sheepishly at them, and Blake noticed his brother’s leather jacket hanging over her arm. “Wondered where you boys disappeared to.”
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 7