‘The sooner the better,’ I stalk away from the group, to where I left my equipment with dad and Shaun.
My dad looks unsure how to approach the situation. ‘That seemed to go well?’
‘He basically accused me of being a whore and giving out extra services, what do you think?’ I’m blinking back tears I didn’t even realize were coming, but if this is going to go well for dad and the band, I need to rein in my emotions and get through this shoot. It feels like all the walls I’ve built up against Jake are starting to crumble. But this isn’t the time or the placed for that to happen, no matter how much what he said hurts.
Raised voices come from the group on the other side of the room. I filter them out and carry on sorting through my gear, keeping my focus until I feel the waves of emotion beginning to subside. When I look up, the room is emptying as everyone makes their way to the outdoor stage.
For now, the drama seems to have passed. Dad gives my shoulder a small squeeze of reassurance and heads outside too; it’s small enough to stay professional but gives me the strength I need to carry on. I hold back for a few minutes wanting to make sure I really have got myself together before I head out, when I feel someone next to me. I turn, and through some of the tears still lingering in my eyes, look up into Jake’s concerned face.
‘Fuck. Abby, I’m so sorry.’ It’s so quick I don’t realize what’s happening, but suddenly I’m bundled into his chest, with his arms wrapped tightly around me as I shake like a leaf. The emotion is seeping out of me, and tears that I tried so hard to hold in are pouring down my face. Jake just stands, holding me, and then begins stroking my hair gently, murmuring into my ear, ‘I’m so sorry,’ repeatedly.
Pulling back, he looks straight into my eyes and it feels like the world stops. It’s the first time in a couple of weeks that we’ve had a moment which hasn’t included us being at each other’s throats. As I look back up at him wearily, I realize how exhausted I am from it all. Raising his hands, he cups my face and uses his thumbs to wipe away some of my tears, then he asks quietly ‘Are you ok?’
It takes a minute, and when I do manage to find my voice, it comes out shaky and unsure. The way he’s looking at me and holding my face, feels so raw and overwhelming, it’s taking all my control not to begin crying again. ‘I’m not made of stone, Jake.’ I’m being more honest than I should be, he doesn’t deserve any of it after what he said. ‘You can’t just use me as your punching bag. I know you’re unhappy I’m here and I’m not exactly thrilled either, but what you said before was crossing a line. You know me and you know I’m not like that.’
‘I guess I can’t control my reactions when I see you with other guys. You bring out the worst in me.’
I realize we’re still in the middle of the bar, and at some point, I’m not sure when, we ended up on the floor, with me sat in his lap. Being in this position and hearing him say these things is beginning to make me feel uncomfortable.
‘We should probably get going, everyone is going to be wondering where we are.’ I make to stand quickly, but with the awkward position we’re in, end up getting my legs tangled and take a hard fall, flattening Jake with me.
‘Fuck,’ I grunt, realizing what an awkward position we’re now in. We’re sprawled out, flat on the floor with every inch of our bodies pressed against each other. Jake’s hands are on my waist, and his breathing has increased rapidly. When I work up the courage to look him in the face, there’s no denying the need there, backed up by the fact his dick is hard as a rock, as it presses into my stomach. I’ve forgotten why the hell we’re here and all I can compute is how much I want to jump his bones. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Voices approach from outside and I jump away frantically. Reality comes crashing back down. The fact we’re both in relationships and keep finding ourselves in these situations, which are getting progressively worse the longer we’re around each other.
Tugging at my clothes, I suddenly feel incredibly self-conscious with how little I’m wearing, so I make a quick escape before anything else can be said or happen. ‘I’ll just get set up outside.’
‘I’ll see you out there. I just need a minute. You know…’ The flush on Jake’s cheeks is further evidence how bad this situation is, so I quickly grab my kit and move outside without another word.
The rest of the day goes by without a hitch, and I spend my time making sure to get a good mix of staged and natural photos. The natural ones are easier said than done, considering Jake barely takes his eyes off me the whole day.
The last shoot is the stage performance, saved for last to avoid the guys getting too hot and sweaty and having to go through more than necessary outfit changes and makeup. When they start, I’m distracted, as the light has changed, I’m focused on getting my camera settings adjusted. I don’t know what to expect, as I haven’t heard them play, but the girls and my parents have been bigging them up, and the fact we’re here with a record label means they must be a big deal.
The opening riffs instantly catch my attention, but I’m determined not to get distracted from my work. The purpose of today is professional and not for my own private performance. Still, they’re tight as hell, even for a mess around jam, and the song they’re performing is catchy as hell. Somehow, I manage not to lose focus and get some great photos. There’s no denying the buzz I have from today. It’s different from most of the work I’ve done over the past couple of years. It’s more exciting, and back to the roots of why I began photography in the first place. It’s exhilarating.
When they wrap up, the room rings out with an applause from the record label suits and Shaun. The expressions on the guys’ faces says they’re proud of themselves, which they deserve to be. When we all finish congratulating them, the pack up begins. I speak with dad briefly, confirming I managed to get the material needed, and give a timeline of when I can have the images ready.
Finally, I collapse at a table by the bar, with most of my kit packed up, apart from my laptop. I figured I’d get a head start on editing before my shift behind the bar begins. When my cell buzzes on the table, I’m startled, having been so engrossed in work. When I see the time, I’m shocked to see over an hour has passed. The screen lights up again, persistently trying to inform me I have a message from Michael, and when I finally open it, it says, ‘Can’t wait to see you soon, baby xxx’
It’s not a normal reaction to be annoyed by affection when you’re in a relationship, but he’s insistent on dropping the baby name despite how often I tell him that I hate it. Rather than engaging, I simply reply, ‘xxx’ hoping he gets the message.
I put my cell back on the table and glance up to find Jake hovering over me, looking unsure. The slight blush to his cheeks is adorable, and a sign he’s still as affected as I am from the awkward moment we had earlier. It shouldn’t be, but it’s incredibly satisfying, knowing I still stir such a strong physical reaction from him.
‘Can I help you with something?’ Looking through my lashes, I try my best to keep my tone even, and devoid of any emotion.
The Jake in front of me isn’t the Jake I know. He’s out of sorts, almost insecure, not like the guy I fell for back in high school who was full of confidence. ‘Can I chat with you really quick?’
‘Sure.’ Closing my laptop, I want to make it clear that what I’m doing will wait and he has my full attention, rather than coming across like my usual bitchy self.
‘So…’ He looks around the bar uncertainly, shoving his hands into his jean pockets.
‘So…?’ This is nice and awkward.
Rubbing the back of his neck nervously, he lets out an embarrassed groan. ‘I’m not gonna apologize for being awkward as hell. I just wanted to apologize for this weekend. Actually. Everything really. I know I said a lot of this before we went away, but I mean it. You get a reaction out of me that I can’t help, and I say stuff before thinking it through.’
I smile knowing exactly what he means, ‘I get that. I seem to be suffering wit
h the same problem.’
‘I had a lot of time to think on the way back. Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way?’
‘How so?’ I’m intrigued where he’s going with this.
‘Maybe we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves. Everyone around us knows our past and it feels like they’re watching us with expectations. Other people are always getting involved, and we never seem to get past the first step. I was thinking maybe we need to spend a bit of time alone. Get to know each other again. There was a time when we didn’t hate each other…’ he tapers off from his ramble, and it takes my brain a few minutes to catch up with what he’s just spewed at me.
I’m seriously confused, so I ask, ‘What exactly are you suggesting?’
‘Give me one afternoon, we can do something fun. Maybe grab a coffee, have a walk. We could even get out of Brooklyn, maybe head into Manhattan?’ The pleading looks in his eyes has me wavering, even though every part of me is screaming that this is a seriously bad idea. We’re meant to be spending as little time as we can together, not the other way around.
‘Come on, Abby. Please? I need you to see that I’m not the ass you think I am. What we’re doing right now isn’t working. Will you give me this chance?’ What he’s asking obviously means everything to him, and before I know what I’m doing, words are spilling out of my mouth that I have no control over. ‘Ok, sure.’
He sighs in relief offering me a huge grin. The one I haven’t seen in six years, and has my insides churning. All the fight I had, the fight to avoid Jake and any old lingering feelings leaves me instantly. This is not good.
Eighteen
The next evening the girls and I decide on a night in, so we have a proper chance to catch up. The suggestion of drinks was on the cards, but juggling shifts at the bar and the work load my dad has given me has proven to be exhausting so far and I barely have any energy left. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the distractions, especially from what feels like the mammoth mistake I’m about to make tomorrow.
‘You agreed to do what?’ Zoe screeches at the top of her voice.
‘Shh, keep it down. I don’t need everyone knowing my business,’ I hiss back.
‘I don’t understand though. After everything he’s said to you since you’ve been back, not including years ago, how are you giving him a chance like this? Being friendly around the group is one thing, but being alone together…are you really sure that’s a good idea?’
She means well and she was my biggest supporter through everything that went down. Together, her and Sophie were my rocks, which I know is why they’re so apprehensive about this. We’re all so close that when Jake and I broke up, it wasn’t just me that went through the rollercoaster of emotions. It wasn’t just me he broke, it was them too.
I have no other explanation to why I’ve agreed to this colossal mess, other than, ‘He seemed desperate.’
‘Well let him be!’ In exasperation she throws her hands up in the air.
‘Really, what are you doing, Abby?’ Sophie asks. Normally she’s the optimistic one out of the three of us, but she’s equally as concerned as Zoe.
‘I have no idea.’ Collapsing dramatically, I put my head in my arms against the table where we’re sat.
‘Well you need to get an idea,’ we all look to the door where my mom is stood with a stern look on her face. There’s no doubt she’s unhappy with what she’s overheard.
‘Jesus, can I not get any privacy?’ It’s not fair what I’m saying, but I’m on the defensive.
‘Not when I think my daughter is about to ruin her life. No, you can’t.’
‘Mom!’
‘Abigail, I watched you go through months of hell when the two of you broke up. Hell, he drove you out of Brooklyn.’ My eyebrows shoot up in surprise at this statement, but she continues, ‘Do you think I didn’t know the real reason why you upped and left? I know you were both young, but you’ve never been the same after that. After everything you’ve worked for and how far you’ve come, the potential you have with your career. Do you want to put that all at risk for him again?’
I look down at the table. ‘It’s just a coffee, mom.’ What I’ve said isn’t even convincing to myself, so I don’t stand a chance of convincing her.
As expected, she calls me out on it straight away. Zoe and Sophie sit in the background with their heads bouncing back and forth between us. ‘Bullshit, it’s just a coffee. Go have one with your friends, not each other. You’re both in relationships. How do you think your partners would feel if they knew that you were both running around with an ex?’
‘Don’t beat around the bush or anything.’ It feels like the world against Abby right now, and my blood is beginning to boil as I get riled up.
‘She’s right. This isn’t going to end well.’ Sophie’s small voice comes from beside me.
‘You’re joining in too?’ I snap back.
‘We all saw the heartbreak you went through, Abs. We might have been young, but fuck it affected us all, the whole group.’
‘Seriously? You’d think someone died or something,’ I laugh desperately, trying to lighten the mood as the conversation is getting out of hand.
‘You left the state, Abby.’ Mom’s tone is quiet but serious and it’s clear that this conversation is a lost cause.
‘I’m twenty-four years old. I can live wherever the hell I want. My career has taken me all over the world. It wasn’t just about a guy. If I need anyone’s opinion, I will ask for it. If you’ll excuse me, I think we’re done for the night.’ Standing up abruptly, I leave the room, storming up the stairs to my own. We’ve argued time and time again. It’s what comes with having best friends for life and a close relationship with your mom, but I’ve never walked out leaving things on such a sour note. Despite how angry I am, it doesn’t sit right.
We’re all too worked up right now to come to any sort of reasonable conclusion, and if we keep going any longer, something will be said that we regret. All I need is some time to reflect on the problem, which we all know is Jake. If I wasn’t feeling anxious enough for tomorrow, now my gut is clenched in dread.
***
6 years earlier
Even though it’s December and freezing outside, we all decided to get away from the city. There’s no better way to do it than on one of the tourist boats that go around the island. It’s kind of peaceful, watching the bustle of the city from a distance; seeing it, but not being a part of it. Even though we rarely go into Manhattan, Brooklyn is still hectic, as the buzz of the city and its tourists filter their way over. As teenagers that need space sometimes, it can be hard to deal with.
There’s no denying how cold it is. It’s the sort of damp cold that makes you feel like you’ll never warm up again, and it’s making us all question whether this trip was really such a good idea.
Standing at one of the rails, I watch as Brooklyn disappears behind us, and feel some of the tension from the past couple of weeks disappear as I let out a deep breath. It doesn’t last long, and as Jake approaches me from behind, now I’m tense for completely different reasons.
Even with the weather howling around us, I feel him before I hear or see him, but I would feel his presence in a crowd of 1000 people; it’s the effect he has on me. With his arms on either side, he cages me against the rail and I’m suddenly so nervous, my heart rate increases rapidly.
‘God, it feels good to be away from all that crap,’ he murmurs into my ear. I’m not one hundred percent sure he meant for me to hear it.
‘Is everything ok at home?’ I ask nervously. I know he hates talking about it and don’t want him to think I’m prying.
‘The usual, but you don’t need to worry about that.’
I do though. Jake’s from a wealthy Brooklyn family. The pressure they put on him is immense and far too much for someone our age, I’m surprised he hasn’t broken from it already. They want him to go to an ivy league school, just like his father did, and his grandfather. His grandfather ha
s a huge influence over his life, especially since his dad passed away a few years ago. I know he loves his family more than anything but being around them must be stifling. Music, which he is so passionate about, doesn’t come into the equation as far as his family is concerned, and it’s beginning to take its toll on him.
‘You know you can talk to me about anything.’
‘Abby. Sometimes, the last thing I want to do when I’m with you is talk.’ He begins to run his nose up and down my neck gently, inhaling slightly.
‘Did you just sniff me?’ My cheeks flush bright red. I’ve never had a guy smell me before.
‘I can’t help it; you smell so good.’
He begins placing gentle kisses up my neck towards the soft spot at the top of my jaw, right below my ear. It feels so good, and I can’t help the soft moan that slips out. It’s slightly embarrassing, but with the wind howling, I pray nobody heard.
We still haven’t kissed yet and I’m not sure why anymore. There’s been the odd moment when we could have, but something always seems to get in the way. The more time that passes, the more I build it up in my mind to be something much bigger, to the point where now, it terrifies me.
We’re both there, always lingering at the edge, too scared to make the leap. Maybe it’s because our relationship already feels so intense it’s scary to think about what things could turn into once we move into that territory.
I’ve never even kissed a guy before. Maybe I have always been waiting for Jake. After so much time passing between us and so many promises, I don’t want it to be anticlimactic and I certainly don’t want it to be with an audience. When Jake and I finally kiss, I want us to be alone and I want it to be life altering. Maybe I’m being too much of a romantic. A kiss is just a kiss, but I’ll be damned if I’m going down without a fight. I’m going to do whatever I can to make it the best kiss he’s ever had.
He continues placing kisses up and down my neck and I let out another moan. It’s becoming embarrassing how worked up I’m getting when all he’s doing is kissing my neck.
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