‘Jake…’ I groan, but he’s relentless and I’m powerless to stop him.
‘Jake, dinner’s ready!’ His mom shouts from down the hall, and we pull away from each other like lightening, scared of being caught in such a compromising position. We’re both panting and my hair’s a mess from where his hands have been tugging and pulling; our cheeks are flushed, and our eyes are glazed.
After a second, he takes a step back towards me, with an expression I’ve never seen before on his face. It’s the sort of expression that hints towards something big, but it doesn’t feel like the right moment to push and ask what he’s feeling. Instead I let him lean back into me, and place a more reserved, gentle kiss against my lips. He lingers wanting more. We both do, but I get why he holds back, as neither of us wants to start something we can’t finish.
When I think he’s about to turn and leave, he murmurs against my lips, ‘While you’re away, Abby, remember we have unfinished business.’
Twenty-One
The next morning, I wake up relatively early, feeling disorientated by the dreams I had. Dreams of Jake, that I shouldn’t have been having when my boyfriend is in the next room. Michael’s awake early too, so we head out and grab some breakfast and coffee for ourselves and my parents. We return with what feels like gallons of espresso and enough bagels to feed a small army. Mom croons with approval.
It’s a beautiful day out, the skies are clear blue, and the sun is beating strong. We decide as a group we’ll head to Coney Island. It’s the perfect place for a group adventure where we can all let our hair down, enjoy the weather and rides and pretend to be kids again. When we’re fed up, there will be lots of drinking on the beach while we wait for the fireworks later. I’m more than a little excited as it’s another group tradition I’ve missed out on over the years. Since I left Brooklyn, 4th July celebrations have never felt the same.
I opt for a short white summer dress over my bikini and shove a change of clothes and some essentials for later into my bag. The plan is to hit some bars once we’ve watched the fireworks. I’m struggling with applying my sunblock when Michael walks into the room without knocking.
‘Need a hand?’ His eyes run hungrily over my body, and I flush feeling insecure. I know he’s going to try something on and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
‘You could have knocked, I could’ve been getting changed,’ I look at him annoyed and hand the sunblock over so he can do my back and neck. He gently begins rubbing at my shoulders, and I can’t help letting out a moan of satisfaction. Unfortunately, he sees this as encouragement, becoming more eager as he places kisses along my neck. The fact that I don’t stop him gives him an invitation to take it further, as he spins me round, kissing me hungrily. There’s no build up or anticipation; he’s straight in there like a bulldozer, shoving his tongue in my mouth and backing me up towards the bed.
It all happens so fast; it takes a minute for my brain to catch up with my body. As it does, all I can think about is Jake and how wrong this feels.
‘Get off me,’ I say, pushing him away.
‘Come on, baby, don’t do this. I know you want me too.’ He reaches out to pull me back into him again.
‘I really don’t.’ The words are out of my mouth before I have chance to properly think, and I hate how harsh they sound and how hurt Michael looks.
‘What’s going on right now, Abby?’
‘I don’t know,’ I stutter, unsure how we move forward. ‘I didn’t mean I don’t want you. I just meant not right now. We’re going to be late meeting everyone.’ I’m clutching at straws, hoping he accepts the pathetic lie.
‘No need to explain, I heard you loud and clear. I’ll see you downstairs when you’re ready.’ He storms out the room and I can hear him thudding down the stairs, my heart still racing from the panic of the moment. I can’t even pretend to want him anymore, meaning I have a big decision to make, and soon.
After our little argument, we’re running later than I originally planned, and wind up missing the bus we should have gotten with Sophie and Zoe to Coney Island. I text them letting them know we’re running late and will be on the next bus. Sophie replies, telling me to meet them at the Lunar Park entrance as the rest of the group is already there. She asks whether everything is ok, but I don’t have the energy to go into it, and don’t want to ruin the day. I reply simply that everything is fine.
There’s stone cold silence from Michael on the journey and I know he’s still angry about being dismissed earlier. We can’t get to our stop soon enough and I race off the bus, heading in the direction of the rest of the group, with him trailing behind.
Thankfully, everyone else is in good spirits, saying hi to Michael. I don’t need to worry about him letting our argument from earlier ruin the day. He’s a showman: constantly being the center of media attention means he knows how to put on a façade that things are perfect even when they might not be, in order to keep his personal life out of the limelight.
As we make our way into the amusement park, the only tell that something is wrong between us is that he doesn’t offer me any direct eye contact. Instead, he chooses to walk ahead with Sam and Shaun, talking football eagerly. Of course, only Zoe and Sophie pick up on this.
‘Is everything ok with you two?’ asks Sophie.
‘Not really,’ I reply honestly. ’We just need to make it through today.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘Nah, let’s not ruin today. Anyway, where are Jake and Amanda?’ I ask noticing the group is short of them.
‘Amanda had to pack, as she’s heading away for work tonight and has a late flight. They’re meeting us when she’s ready.’ Zoe offers helpfully. ‘Drink?’ I look at the water bottle she’s offering which is full of clear liquid I know is not water.
I raise an eyebrow. ‘Vodka? Isn’t it a bit early?’
‘It’s never too early on the 4th of July.’ She spreads her arms out, spinning in happy circles, loving life.
‘I want what she’s had,’ laughs Sophie, grabbing the bottle off her, and taking a large swig.
‘If either of you barf on me, you’re dead,’ I laugh. The mood is infectious.
We spend the next couple of hours running around the amusement park like little kids at Christmas, laughing and taking it in turns riding together. The fight Michael and I had earlier has been forgotten, and for a while we have an unsaid truce, enjoying just being together again.
We make our way to the beach when we finally tire from the rides. Some serious fuel of the food and alcohol variety is needed. Despite it being ridiculously busy, we find a great spot near the water, and not long after we’re settled, Jake and Amanda meet us. I watch as Michael shakes hands with Jake and then goes back to his conversation with Sam and Shaun. All my nerves of them meeting for the first time evaporate, as it’s obvious Michael is none the wiser there is anything wrong.
I’m a rollercoaster of emotions though. This is the first time that I’ve seen Jake since the almost kiss incident in Central Park. The guilt of having both Michael and Amanda around is a reminder of how wrong it was and tugs at my gut making me feel sick. I try not to be judgmental as Jake offers me a small hello but spends the rest of his time with Amanda clinging to his arm. He gives the impression of being this cool, independent guy in a band, and yet ironically, he now spends his time with someone clinging to his side, which is anything but.
‘We’re gonna grab some food, anyone want anything?’ Sam asks the group. We ring in our orders, and my eyes stay focused on Jake and Amanda. Although she’s constantly whispering things in his ear and giving him small kisses, his attention isn’t solely focused on her, as every now and again we catch each other’s eye. We do it again, but if I thought it would go unnoticed, I was wrong. I turn to find Michael looking suspiciously between us with his eyes narrowed. He knows something is up and he’s not an idiot. Storming off to help the guys carry back the food and drinks, he doesn’t bother asking what I want.
‘Vodka. Now please.’ I stretch my arm in her direction, waiting for her to pass me a much-needed drink.
‘Seriously, what is going on with you guys? I’m getting major bad vibes.’ The concern on Sophie’s face shows she knows that something is wrong.
‘Isn’t it obvious? Michael wants to bump uglies and Abby doesn’t.’ Zoe snorts loudly as she hands over the bottle.
‘Why do you always have to let everyone know my business?’ I’m hot and bothered and getting more annoyed as the day goes on. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Jake watching us and he looks pissed. He has no right to be as he’s the one currently sat with a girlfriend on his arm, fawning all over him. As always, it’s Jake that’s unaffected in these situations and me who suffers. I’m the one arguing with my boyfriend whilst he gets to sit back and watch.
Zoe doesn’t get the hint to quieten down and continues, ‘He’s acting like a puppy that’s had its ball taken away. The ball FYI is your vagina.’ In case this couldn’t get any more embarrassing, a mom next to us tuts, covering her child’s ears with her hands while simultaneously shooting us a death glare.
‘How much have you had to drink?’ I snap.
‘Not enough my friend,’ she jeers as she raises her glass in the air. ‘The day is still young, and the men are still fresh. Dear, Lord, please bring me some penis.’ The mom next to us shoots another disapproving glance as the child asks what a penis is.
‘Maybe you need to keep it down a bit,’ agrees Sophie. We burst out laughing uncontrollably, at how ridiculous the conversation is.
‘You seriously shouldn’t be allowed out,’ I manage to direct at Zoe when I finally calm down.
‘Hey, I can’t help it if I haven’t been laid in a couple of weeks. I’m horny. Fuck knows what you’re like, Abby. I bet you’re ready to dry hump Jake’s leg.’ My blood runs cold. At that exact moment, the guys return with the food and have heard every word Zoe just said. Michael drops down in the sand next to me, offering over a hot dog angrily. I feel obliged to take it, although I’ve lost my appetite. The rest of the group has gone quiet and as I glance around, I feel a pair of eyes watching me. Looking over in Jake’s direction, I see Amanda watching us with a frown, whilst Jake’s face is unreadable as always.
‘Zoe’s drunk,’ I say to Michael. My anxiety over today was justified. I should have known us all being together was going to be a complete disaster.
‘She doesn’t seem that wasted to me.’ He shrugs and looks out into the distance, avoiding any eye contact with me.
‘Still, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.’ I persevere.
‘Funny. She’s one of your closest friends. I think she knows what she’s talking about.’
‘All I wanted to do was enjoy today and it’s a disaster. Can we please just enjoy the rest of the day?’ Rubbing a hand over his back gently, in the way I know he loves, I can see he’s beginning to lose his fight.
‘Kiss me?’ He turns finally and looks at me with pleading eyes. They look empty, rather than having their usual sparkle, and I hate that I’m the cause of that. I resign myself to this one small, physical interaction between us, anything to take away the guilt. I give a small nod to let him know it’s ok.
He leans in, grabbing my cheeks gently as his lips come down on mine. The kiss is slow and affectionate, as he pours everything, he feels towards me into it. Anyone else would be left like a puddle of goo on the floor, but I merely go through the motions, nipping at him gently in the way I know drives him crazy. I can feel Jake’s eyes on us the whole time. It’s like a sixth sense, but I refuse to turn around.
The next couple of hours become a blur of drinking and joking around. The animosity from a few hours ago is forgotten as more alcohol is consumed. Finally, July 4th is turning into what I wanted it to be.
After Zoe’s moment of verbal diarrhea, Jake, and Amanda leave. I can see them walking through the crowds up on the boardwalk, holding hands in their own little world. Shaun and Sam see them approaching us and begin wolf whistling. ‘Dude! Lasted longer than normal!’ Shouts Sam, causing Jake to blush while Amanda giggles pathetically. The jealousy is bubbling up inside me, but I will it to stop.
‘I have to go. My flight’s in a few hours and traffic’s going to be horrendous with people travelling for the fireworks,’ says Amanda when she finally comes around from giggling like a preschooler.
‘That’s a shame.’ It doesn’t come across as genuine as I intended. Zoe shakes her head, shoving her fist in her mouth in an attempt not to laugh out loud.
‘Well, I’m sure you’ll do your best to look after Jake for me.’ You’d have to be an idiot not to notice the bitterness in her tone and the group goes awkwardly quiet. Jake looks incredibly uncomfortable, not knowing where to look. Everyone else’s gaze bounces back and forth between us, as our interaction has become the main entertainment. Amanda turns back to Jake and snaps for him to walk her back to her car, stalking away from the group. Everyone shouts bye to her retreating form, even though there’s a chance she won’t hear it, or care.
We spend the next ten minutes in awkward silence as nobody knows what to say. It isn’t until Jake returns that Shaun announces it’s time for a game of football. Luckily, we picked a decent spot and have enough room to play, despite how busy the beach is.
We split into teams. Michael, Jake, Sophie and Zach on one, while I’ve landed in a team with Zoe, Shaun and Sam. The game starts out normal, with me and the girls proving to be more than useless. Soon the guys get carried away and are far too competitive for us to even try and keep up. When I catch the ball for the first time, there’s a massive rush of adrenaline through my body and I begin running full pelt across the sand. That’s until Sam screams at me angrily that I’m running in the wrong direction, to which I throw the ball down in frustration at his feet, walking away in a strop.
The second time I catch the ball, I’m determined not to make the same mistake twice and prove my worth on the team. Racing ahead in the right direction this time, I can hear screams all around me, but they’re muffled due to the ringing of excitement in my ears. I feel invincible, until I’m suddenly taken down. A strong pair of arms loops around my waist and we tumble down into the sand. Disorientated, it takes a moment to catch my breath and gather my bearings. Managing to pull my face out of the sand and roll onto my back, I unwittingly take down my tackler in the process. They were trying to stand and fall flat on top of me.
For a moment, I can’t breathe, but when they shift their weight, I feel a temporary relief. That’s until my eyes connect with a pair of deep brown ones and all the breath rushes out of me again. It feels like everything has stopped and I’ve forgotten where I am, or who I’m with, as I lay there just staring. I can feel Jake’s body pressed up against mine, but I daren’t move and ruin the moment. I don’t want it to ever stop. Everywhere his body touches mine, feels like it’s on fire.
I’m not sure how much time passes, as I’m struggling to come back down to reality. It seems Jake is the same, otherwise he would have moved already. Somebody has other ideas, as a loud and pissed off ‘eghem’ rings out causing Jake to pull away and jump up. He walks away quickly, rubbing his hand over his face in frustration.
I remain sprawled in the sand, a sweaty panting mess, looking up into Michael’s incredibly angry face, for what feels like the hundredth time today.
‘We need to talk.’ He turns, stalking away from the group and across the beach, expecting me to follow. I swallow nervously and think how fun this isn’t going to be.
Twenty-Two
‘What the hell is going on here?’ He’s angry at what just happened, there’s no way around it.
‘I’m not sure what you’re getting at?’ I attempt to fake innocence, but who am I kiddin
g? Jake and I were panting all over each other with everyone watching. The only saving grace was that we had clothes on.
‘You know what I’m talking about. The fact my girlfriend of four years will barely touch me. I go to kiss you and it’s like I have the plague, you shrink away from me that fast. But you have no problem rolling around in the sand with pretty boy over there.’
Christ, he’s more perceptive than I thought. But really, I’ve been kidding myself, believing that he wouldn’t notice how off I’ve been and the lack of affection I’ve shown him since he arrived. ‘We were hardly rolling around in the sand Michael. It’s called football.’
‘You had no problem with his body being pressed up all over you, yet you won’t come anywhere near me? I’m not buying it. I’m not a fucking idiot, Abby.’
There’s no way around this. Even though I wanted to have this conversation somewhere else in private, it’s clear Michael wants to have it now and he’s not backing down.
‘I’ll let this all slide,’ he continues ‘if you make a decision now.’
‘A decision?’ I don’t have a clue where he’s going with this.
‘Don’t play dumb. About work. Where you’re going to be at the end of the summer and what’s going to happen with us and our future. I’m not waiting, Abby. I need to know and expecting me to be in limbo for over three months isn’t fair.’ He has a point; I know he does. What I’ve expected him to put up with over these past few weeks would be too much for anyone, and he’s hit his limit. But I’ll be damned if he forces me to decide about my future, because he doesn’t want to wait. I’m not ready to decide what I want to do for work. However, I’ll happily decide about the future of our relationship.
Always You Page 16