Always You

by Lizzie Morton

  He rubs his hands over his face, resigned. My eyes are drawn to the tight white shirt that clings to his body, and how it flexes over his chest and arms as he moves. I feel like I’m starting to burn up with how attracted I am to him, but it isn’t the time to be feeling like this when he’s clearly upset.

  He merely replies, ‘Hey.’

  ‘Is everything ok?’ I try not to be disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm at seeing me.

  ‘I’m guessing you heard some of that?’ He looks pained and I hurt for him.

  ‘Nothing specific. I could hear some shouting and knew something was wrong, that’s all.’ I don’t know what else to do, so I offer a small smile.

  After a few minutes he sighs, ‘Things aren’t great.’

  ‘I didn’t realize they were this bad. You should have told me.’

  ‘It wouldn’t have made any difference, Abby. It is what it is. I can’t wait till I’m eighteen and they have no say over my life. They’re just so focused on money and society, all of them. It drives me crazy. They don’t give a crap about what I want or what makes me happy. I can’t stand being around them.’ He thumps his hand down hard against the bed in frustration. I’ve never seen him so worked up. He’s normally so cool and calm.

  ‘Hey…’ I approach him slowly, placing my hand under his chin and lift it so he will look at me properly for the first time since our kiss. ‘You can be whoever you want to be, Jake.’

  He looks torn and I hate the pain in his eyes, ‘You sound so sure.’

  ‘It’s your life. It might not feel like it right now, but it’s your choice to do whatever you want to do. It might just be a bit harder to get there.’ I don’t know where the confidence to speak like this is coming from, but right now he needs my honesty and my reassurance, so that’s what I give him. ‘You’re so talented and have so much going for you, don’t lose sight of that. And remember, deep down they only want the best for you. Even though they might not be getting it quite right.’

  His eyes meet mine directly as he finally smiles, causing my heart to start beating erratically. It’s crazy the effect this guy has over me. ‘I don’t deserve you. You’re the only one who gets this mess, who helps to make any sense of it. Anyway, I have something to show you.’

  Standing, he moves over to his computer. The light is low in the room, the only glow coming from his bed side lamp and computer screen. After our little heart to heart, the atmosphere has relaxed considerably and feels cozy, so I take my coat off and settle in.

  I approach him, sat at his desk. I feel slightly self-conscious as I have on a few layers less, and my skinny jeans and fitted black vest don’t leave much to the imagination. Normally I go for baggier clothes that hide my figure, but tonight I don’t want to hide from Jake, I want him to see all of me. My heart’s racing and my chest is rising and falling dramatically, I hope he doesn’t notice how nervous I am.

  When I get to him, he reaches an arm around my waist, pulling me into his side and trails his fingers over the small patch of skin on my stomach which has become exposed as my vest has risen slightly. With his other hand, he casually brings a video of his band up on the screen. He’s playing the guitar of course, and Sam is on bass. There are a couple of their other friends too. They’re good, really good. They might not be up there with mainstream rock, but they’re better than the average amateur band. Dad would appreciate the talent they have to offer.

  I don’t know what else to say apart from, ‘You guys are good.’

  ‘You really think that?’ His voice lightens at the compliment.

  ‘Jake, have I ever lied to you?’

  He looks up and his eyes have darkened, causing me to bite my bottom lip; being around him feels too much to bear. A throbbing starts between my legs that I’ve never felt before. I squeeze them together trying to dull the feeling, as it takes everything in me not to jump on top of him. His eyes move from mine, down my body and he tenses his grip around my waist.

  ‘Jake…’ I sigh, gently. That’s all it takes to obliterate every ounce of control either of us has, after months of dancing around each other and being careful. Swallowing hard, he looks back up at me, with lust in his eyes like I’ve never seen. Before I realize what’s happening, he stands forcefully and his desk chair flies backwards, then he’s everywhere. His tongue is in my mouth, his hands in my hair are tugging back, encouraging me to kiss him deeper. He lifts me up, sitting me on the edge of his desk and I wrap my legs around him, pulling him in and thrusting my hips against his, needily.

  ‘Fuck, Abby.’ He says harshly against my mouth. He lifts me again, this time turning and carrying me towards his bed. Excitement courses through my veins as his intentions become clear and I accept where the kiss is leading. Gently pressing me into the bed, his weight pushes down onto my body and it feels incredible. I feel safe and secure, like nothing else in the world matters. His hands begin exploring as he continues to kiss me deeper. Wandering underneath my vest, they move up and move my bra so he can cup my breasts. As he tweaks one of my nipples, I cry out, overwhelmed by the sensations taking over my body. He groans his satisfaction, gently rotating his hips into mine, and I can feel how hard he is for me.

  ‘God, Abby, I swear I’m about to come in my pants,’ he breathes heavily, placing small kisses down my neck.

  I laugh, what must sound like a euphoric, crazy laugh, and then ask seriously, ‘Do you have a condom?’

  Keeping his body flush with mine, he stretches out, reaching over to one of his drawers, pulling out what appears to be the only one in there. I hope and pray it was there for the purpose of me and me alone. As he comes back down to meet me, with the condom in his hand, our kissing becomes frantic. Without realizing what I’m doing, I pull his shirt over his head, my hands roaming greedily over his muscular chest and back. Suddenly he pulls away and I’m left feeling slightly hurt, wondering if I’ve misread the situation or done something wrong.

  ‘Shit. Abby.’ Pressing his forehead to mine he tries to catch his breath.

  ‘What’s wrong? I thought…’ My eyes begin watering, as humiliation creeps in.

  ‘No, shhh. Don’t panic. I want you; I think that’s obvious. Just, before we do this…’ It’s like he’s struggling to find the words to say what he wants. He swallows deeply and the emotion swirling in his eyes is unmistakable. ‘God, I love you.’

  Relief passes over his face as he says the words. It’s as if it’s caused him physical pain to not be able to say them. At first, I must look confused. Confused at how this beautiful, talented guy, could love me. Plain boring Abby. But I don’t care why or how. All I know is I feel the same and want to let him know in every way possible.

  ‘I love you, too. I can’t stop myself.’ He lets out a sigh of relief and then we’re kissing again. This time it’s more urgent than before. We’re more confident, less hesitant, as we each know exactly how the other feels. We both want this so much, to be together, as close as we can. They say your first time is supposed to be awkward and painful, but I know that with Jake he’ll do everything he can to make sure that’s not the case.

  I’m tugging at his pants, fumbling with the buttons as he frantically kisses and grinds into me, murmuring my name. Suddenly his bedroom door flies open revealing his mom in the doorway, a look of thunder on her face.

  Jake moves quickly, positioning himself so he’s shielding me from her sight. It gives me a chance to readjust my clothing, while he remains shirtless with his pants hanging open. God this is mortifying.

  ‘What’s going on in here?’ She demands angrily. All traces of the graceful woman I saw earlier on the front steps are gone, now she more resembles a pit bull.

  ‘I think that’s pretty clear, Mom, do you really need to ask?’

  ‘I’d like to make it clear, you are both underage for this sort of activity, so I suggest less of the smart mouth. Abby, I think it best you leave now.’ There is no questioning her tone. I need to get out of here quickly, even if the last thing I
want to do is leave Jake with the fallout.

  ‘No problem.’ Quickly scurrying off the bed, I grab my coat and glance over to Jake for reassurance. He’s too occupied in a Mexican standoff, so I mutter bye under my breath, bustling out the room and past his mom, without looking back.

  If only I’d known that would be the last chance that I’d get to see Jake like this. If I’d known, maybe I would have stayed longer and fought the battle with him.

  Twenty-Six

  I tried to convince myself this was a bad idea and to turn my back on this whole frustrating situation with Jake, but I couldn’t stay away. I enter the bar much later than Jake told me to after spending forty-five minutes stood outside debating whether to come in or not.

  The music is loud, haunting, and good, really good. It’s a song I’ve never heard before. As I move around the dark room struggling to find Jake, my eyes fall on the small stage set up, where they find Sam as he starts singing again. To his side is Jake holding his guitar. He hasn’t noticed my arrival, lost in the music with the band, so I hold back in the crowd, not wanting to distract any of them.

  Instead I make my way to the bar, settling on one of the free stools and order a beer as I chat with some of the people floating around. All the time my eyes keep flitting back to Jake, not wanting to stay away from him for too long. As they finish their last song, Jake glances around the crowd, and when his eyes finally settle on me, his face lights up. He moves over to Sam, whispering something in his ear that makes him also look up, beaming and waving at me. They both appear happy I’ve made it.

  Jake jumps off the stage making his way towards me, cutting through the crowd, and ignoring the longing glances he receives from some of his fans. The same fans who are now throwing death stares in my direction as they realize that I am the sole focus of his attention.

  ‘You likey?’ he asks, playfully wiggling his eyebrows. He stands next to me, casually placing a hand on my shoulder and massaging gently.

  ‘I love,’ I reply, trying to stay focused when all I can think about is how good the movements of his hand feel on my tense shoulder. He looks taken aback at the boldness of my appreciation. The atmosphere becomes slightly awkward, as he seems to read more into my statement than what was intended.

  ‘Right, yeah,’ he shrugs, turning and disappearing back into the crowd without glancing back. I turn back to my drink, completely confused by his reaction, wondering why the hell he invited me to come if he was just going leave me here alone. Everything with him feels so hot and cold with him at the moment that I never know where I stand.

  A couple of minutes later, Sam wanders over, just as I was contemplating leaving. ‘Hey, you.’ Throwing his arms around me, he pulls me into a hug, which normally I would relish in, but after the conversation with Shaun I don’t really know how to react.

  I opt for playing it cool, as if nothing is bothering me and I go for the safe topic of the gig. ‘So, when did you guys get so good?’ I throw in a wink to show I’m joking.

  ‘We’ve always been this good, Abs. Don’t act like you didn’t know,’ he responds with a cocky smirk.

  ‘I actually didn’t know you guys were still in a band together until the day of the shoot. Something you kindly forgot to mention.’

  ‘Because you didn’t want to know anything about Jake.’ He retorts.

  ‘I guess. You still could have told me,’ he must think I’m crazy to be grumbling over this, days later.

  He chuckles and if he does think I’m crazy he doesn’t let on, instead changing the conversation. ‘So, where’s Jake?’

  ‘Beats me. He came over fine, then randomly his mood changed. He abandoned me, despite being the one to invite me.’ I pick away at my beer mat, taking some of my frustration out on the pieces of paper I’m tearing into tiny pieces.

  ‘Good old hormonal Jake. Guess that means I can be your partner in crime for the night instead.’ He looks far too pleased as he begins ordering more drinks and the conversation with Shaun begins to feel more like reality. How did I never see this before?

  As the night goes on, the drinks keep flowing, and I try my hardest to ignore the feeling of being watched. I know that it’s Jake standing in the distance watching, but I refuse to acknowledge him after he left me on my own. I don’t know when it happens, maybe after my third or fourth drink, but I feel myself becoming flirtier with Sam, which is completely wrong when I know how he feels about me. As one of my closest friends, the last thing I should be doing is leading him on, but thanks to a mixture of strong cocktails and being pissed at Jake, my morals appear to have left the building, so I carry on gracelessly.

  There was a time, not long after Jake and I broke up, when Sam and I became close. He helped me through it all and it felt like overnight there was chemistry between us. I thought maybe something more could have happened between us, but then one day he just became cold and distant towards me. It was always the same with any guy, right up until I left Brooklyn.

  I realize that I’m pretty gone, as I stare at him through hazy eyes. I’m mesmerized by how pretty he is with his bright blue eyes and crazy blond hair. My inhibitions have gone out the window as I slur, ‘I missed you Sam. What happened to us?’

  He chokes on his drink, struggling for a couple of minutes to clear his throat. He looks nervous and I’m not sure why. My suspicions rise when he brushes off the question as though I’m just wasted, ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  I’ve had a fair amount to drink, but I remember everything that happened back then. ‘Yes, you do. For a while, there was something between us, wasn’t there? Or was I misreading things like I did with Jake? Did I make it all up in my head? Did you not want me back either?’ I’m swaying embarrassingly on my stool, but at least I’ll be able to pass this moment of insanity off in the morning for being wasted, and I know Sam will let it slide.

  He looks at me with empathy, but there’s definitely something more there. ‘Of course, I wanted you, Abby. You think I didn’t feel anything back? Are you an idiot? How many lingering looks did we have and how many times did we almost kiss?’

  My cheeks begin heating up with embarrassment. This conversation suddenly feels far too intimate for the Sam I’ve spent time with this summer. Looking away, I mumble, ‘I thought it was just me. After Jake and I broke up, I convinced myself it was all in my head and that I’d somehow pestered him into being with me. That he never really wanted me and was doing it just to please me. Why would he or anyone else want to be with me?’ I can’t look at him. The moment has brought up so many old feelings of rejection and hating myself; feelings of not being good enough.

  He looks enraged hearing me talk about myself like this, ‘Abby, you’re gorgeous, talented and kind. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. Look at me.’

  I look back up and catch his eye. More walls are being broken down, as we get to the real reasons why I’ve resented Brooklyn over the years. There’s more to why I left and didn’t come back with no explanation; all the tainted, painful memories.

  ‘We all knew you were the real deal. Yes, we were horny teenagers and went for the easy options. But we all knew you were the type you marry and keep forever. Look at you now. You’re like a fine wine, you just get better with age.’

  I snort at his last statement, breaking some of the tension that has built. ‘That was a very camp thing to say.’

  ‘You know what I mean. Sheesh kick a man when he’s down much.’

  ‘I couldn’t help it. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken a trip down memory lane and it was making me a bit uncomfortable. If you’re so certain I was as amazing as what you’re saying, then why was I so lonely before I left? Why whenever I got close to anyone, did they suddenly go so cold and start ignoring me without any explanation?’

  ‘Why do you think?’ He stares at me for a few minutes, willing me to figure it out on my own, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

  ‘I really don’t know, Sam. That’s why I’m asking
you. Will you please, finally give me an explanation.’

  ‘Cause we were all in the same circle. He knew when something was going on and he didn’t like it.’

  ‘Who did? What are you trying to say?’ I’m not sure if it’s the volume of alcohol I’ve consumed, or that I’m finally getting answers after all these years, which is making me a bit slow on the uptake.

  ‘He changed his mind, Abby. Jake did. But he thought it was too late. So, he did what he could to make sure you were unavailable to any other guys.’ The realization of what he’s saying comes crashing down on me, wiping the drinks we had earlier from my system, I now feel very much sober and incredibly pissed off.

  ‘You’re fucking joking, right?!’ Dots begin to connect in my brain. The memories of relationships that never quite were, never quite became what they could have been, all come flooding to the forefront of my mind. Suddenly it all makes sense why.

  ‘I’m not,’ Sam shakes his head defeated. I can’t believe all this time he kept this from me.

  ‘’So, you’re telling me that asshole, after he ripped my heart out and stomped all over it, without a care in the world-’

  ‘He got scared.’ Sam interrupts. ‘We were all young and had so much going on. Maybe you don’t know the real reasons why he did what he did.’

  ‘Don’t make excuses for him!’ I growl back angrily, my temper about to reach boiling point.

  ‘Abby, you need to calm down.’ Sam looks helpless now, poor guy. But what did he expect really opening this can of worms?

  ‘Calm down? You calm down. You’re telling me that he is the reason I spent my last year in Brooklyn miserable and alone?’

  ‘Potentially…’ he looks down at the bar, nervously playing with his glass, obviously wanting to be anywhere but here with me, having this conversation.