Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  After the table was cleared, they all went into the Great Room to open gifts around the tree. They sat in a large semi-circle, Neil on the couch with Janet beside him. Nate fished a gift out from under the Christmas tree and brought it over to his father. Neil held it a moment, looking at the wide, red bow and the card taped on top of it.

  “Well, go on. Open it,” Trevor said.

  Neil pulled the card off the box. It was a homemade card that someone had spent a lot of time making. As Neil read the words to himself, Janet saw his eyes mist. He wiped them and fixed his gaze on Trevor.

  Nadia touched her husband’s arm.

  Neil cleared his throat, got up and went to Trevor. And though his words of forgiveness were whispered between them, Janet could read his lips. Father and son embraced, and as they held each other, Janet furtively glanced at Megan, who was fighting some unknown emotion from across the room.

  Neil let go of Trevor and turned a smile onto his daughter, and when she saw it, she put her hand to her mouth and ran out of the room.

  Later that night after everyone went home, Janet and Neil lay in bed talking as they did every night before they turned out the lights. Janet glanced over at a picture on their dresser. It was taken when Nate was seven years old on the beach at Fogarty. The four of them were sitting on a blanket. It felt like a lifetime ago. She sighed.

  “Something the matter,” Neil said.

  She shrugged. “Nothing.”

  “When it’s nothing, it’s something,” he said softy.

  “Just memories,” she muttered.

  “Well, we made some tonight. I want you to know how much your gift meant to me. You gave me back my son.”

  “I only brought him here. You did the rest.” She looked off toward the picture. “You remember that day on the beach.”

  “I do.” He smiled. “It was a perfect day. I do miss that little guy.”

  Janet nestled up close to him and put her head on his chest. “Me, too.” She paused. “Nate wants a puppy.”

  “Really?” Neil didn’t say anything for a moment. “How do you feel about it?”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I mean; it’s not fair to Nate to deprive him of something just because I’m having a hard time with it.”

  “I don’t know about that. You have a right to deal with your feelings just as well. Nate’s young. He can wait a little while until you’re able to handle it.”

  She looked up and flashed a tiny smile at him. But when will that be? “I liked Trevor’s card.”

  “It was from his heart.”

  “I know. I’m glad he’s back in your life.”

  “Me, too,” Neil said, stroking her hair. “Megan had a hard time with her brother being here. You know she never really forgave him for what happened between us.”

  “Yeah, I know. Do you think she’ll come around?”

  “Hard to say. That daughter of mine can hold a grudge.”

  You have no idea, she thought. She looked up and studied him. “Can I tell you a secret?”

  “Sure.”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  He pulled her tighter to him. “Thank-you.”

  They lay there a minute more until he reached over and turned the light off. She rolled onto her side and he spooned up to her. “What are you doing?” she said as she felt his lips tracing tiny kisses down her neck.

  “Seducing my wife,” he whispered into her ear.

  “It’s late.”

  “Like we have anywhere to be in the morning.” He ran his finger down her arm and over her hip.

  “You’re being a snot,” she said as a stirring ran through her. “But, it is Christmas.” She turned around and met his lips with a warm kiss and then let her desire take over.

  22

  September 3rd, 2001 –

  The Labor Day weekend was a time of retreat for Janet and Neil, and over the past seven years since Tom moved out, they’d spent their time in the cottage June had willed to her years ago. This year, they decided to have family join them by the ocean along with Cleo, their Basset tri-color hound. The dog had grown from the floppy puppy he’d been four years ago into a fifty-five pound, nose-to-the-ground eating machine.

  This year Jessica joined them. She and Nate spent much of their time together. At seventeen, Jessica had become a stunning brunette beauty. Her smile could get Nate to do just about anything she wanted, and Janet wondered more than once what that had led to despite her best efforts not to think about it.

  Jessica stood beside her washing celery for their cookout. Janet peered out the window at Neil who was sipping iced tea with her father out in the back yard. Life was good. She diced the last of the potatoes as Jessica turned the faucet off.

  “So, looking forward to your senior year?” Janet said.

  Jessica grabbed a towel and wiped her hands. “I guess. I mean … it’ll be fun, but sort of sad. Once it’s over, I won’t see a lot of my friends for a long time.”

  “Yeah, I know. But it’s not forever. So, have you picked out a college?”

  “Sort of,” Jessica said, and shrugged. “I like Ohio State, but SFU is interesting, too.”

  I bet Nate’s pulling for SFU, Janet thought. He had already committed to San Francisco University and having Jessica nearby would certainly be his preference. “Well, I’m sure you’ll make the right decision–whatever works best for you.”

  “You think Nate’ll be mad if I choose Ohio State?” Jessica said off-handedly. She tossed the last of the celery into the bowl and dumped the scraps into the trashcan between them.

  “Don’t know, but you shouldn’t make your decision based on Nate.”

  Jessica nodded, and Janet could tell she was deeply divided about it. “I know you like my son a lot, and he cares about you, too, but if things are meant to be, they’ll be. Cliché, I know, but true.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Jessica said, giving her a tiny smile.

  “It’s hard isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I mean, we’ve been together ever since you guys moved to the Heights. It’ll feel weird not seeing him every day.”

  Oh, then you have made up your mind. Janet reached over and patted her shoulder. “You’ll be okay, and so will Nate. When you gonna tell him?”

  Jessica sighed. “Probably after graduation. I mean–there’s no point in saying anything now. It’s so far away, and who knows, I may change my mind.”

  “You might,” Janet agreed, “but only if it makes sense. Don’t let your feelings get in the way of your future. There’ll be plenty of time for that later on.”

  “You know,” Jessica said, “I’ve never told you before, but you’re kinda like a second mom to me. And easier to talk to.”

  Janet smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot. And you’ve been like a daughter to me as well. Don’t worry, things’ll turn out all right,” she said and pulled the girl into her arms and gave her a hug.

  As they broke apart, Megan marched into the house with a sullen expression. Janet eyed her warily, wondering what had happened back home as Kyle and Debbie followed behind. After the two teens fled into the back yard, Janet said, “Hi, how was the ride?”

  Megan dumped her purse on the counter. “I need a drink.”

  Janet cleared her throat. “I have some ice tea in the fridge.”

  Megan shot her a classic ‘you-got-to-be-kidding’ look.

  Oh-oh, Janet thought. “Okay, you tell me.”

  “How about a Rum and Coke?”

  “How about a beer?”

  Megan frowned. “Fine, I guess that’ll have to do.”

  Janet went to the fridge and pulled a bottle out, popped the top off and gave it to her.

  Janet watched her from the corner of her eye as she took a long pull. “I’m going for a walk along the beach. Join me?”

  Megan wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Sure, why not?”

  They tramped down the gravel lane in silence to the main road and crossed over it on
to a narrow path that dissolved into the windswept sands. When they were treading the water’s edge, Janet said, “So what’s going on, Meg?”

  “Nothing. Just a bad day.” She averted her eyes out over the crashing surf.

  Janet pursed her lips. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not especially.”

  They walked a few more steps. “Is it Brad?”

  Megan stopped with a twisted grimace clenching her face. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

  Janet went ahead to let Megan be with her anger. Suddenly, she heard a muffled cry behind her. When she turned around, she saw Megan hunched over sobbing with her hands over her mouth. Janet went back and put her arm around Megan, half expecting her to rip it away. But Megan didn’t move and so she held her while the waves washed their feet.

  Finally, Megan said, “The fucker had an affair. He’s been nailing a bitch at work for over a year!” She wiped her tear-stained face with the back of her hand. “I feel so all alone. Like I’ve been abandoned.” Megan sobbed. “I mean; Kyle’s moving out and getting a place with Debbie. Dad has you and Nate, and now he has Trevor back. And you, the only real friend I ever had, I lost because I was a bitch.” She blinked and looked away as Janet’s throat tightened.

  “Megan,” Janet whispered, “You never lost me. I’ve always been right here.”

  Megan eyed her, and in that moment, seventeen years of bad water between them pulled away like the receding surf beneath their feet. “I’m sorry. I was so mad when you and Dad got together. It was like he stole you from me, and you went willingly without a second thought.”

  “And I always thought it was because you didn’t believe I loved your father.”

  “I knew you loved him. The way you looked at him. It was pretty obvious. The sad thing is Brad has never looked at me like that. I told myself it was his way. He loves me. He’s just not a romantic. I still love him, though, despite everything. Is that wrong?”

  “I don’t know. That’s something only you can answer.”

  “Right. He told me it’s over between him and the bitch. That he wants just me. That it was all just a big mistake. A big, fucking mistake.” She snuffed. “How can one whole year be a big mistake? I mean, in my mind, it’s a whole shit load of fucking mistakes.”

  “What do you wanna do?”

  Megan shook her head, and her lip curled into a forced half smile. “I have no clue.”

  Janet put her hands on Megan’s shoulders. “Why don’t you stay with us for a while? We have room.”

  Megan nibbled her lip. “I don’t know.”

  “What’s to know?” Janet said.

  “I mean … I wouldn’t want to get in the way.”

  “Nonsense! Come here girlfriend,” Janet said, and a moment later they were both hugging each other fiercely.

  Labor Day came bearing bright sunny skies. Kyle and Debbie took Megan’s car and returned to Northgate the night before.

  Janet poured Megan a cup of coffee as they sat around the kitchen island talking about work and Janet’s next photo-shoot. Cleo was laying on the floor, stretched out, his long ears draped over his face.

  Megan said, “He is the oddest thing I’ve ever seen. Look at the way he sleeps.”

  “I know,” Janet said.

  “Hind legs turned one way. Front legs the other.”

  Janet grinned. “It took me by surprise the first time I saw it, too.”

  Nate came downstairs dressed in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. “It’s about time, sleepy head. Jess is waiting for you outside,” Janet said.

  “Yeah, I know.” He grabbed his lunch for his outing on the water with Jess from the refrigerator and spied Janet’s bagel, which had popped up in the toaster. “Is that for me?”

  “Yeah, sure. You want some peanut butter on it?”

  “No, I’ll eat it plain. Gotta run. Bye Mom, Megan.” He grabbed the bagel and ran out of the house.

  “What time does their boat leave?” Megan said, cocking her brow.

  “Seven-fifteen,” Janet replied. She slipped another bagel into the toaster. “Want one?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  As Janet waited for her breakfast, the phone rang beside her. She picked it up. Her father was on the other end. He said, “Turn the TV on!”

  Janet looked up and motioned Megan to go turn the set on in the other room. With the phone to her ear, she followed Megan. When she rounded the corner, the TV came on to show a large gray plume of smoke rising off the World Trade Center and stretching high into the open sky. She was speechless as she watched in horror.

  “Is there coffee?” Neil said, entering the room.

  Janet glanced at him then fixed her gaze back on the TV. She heard her father on the phone calling her name. When she found her voice, she said, “Yeah, we got it on. I can’t believe it. What kind of plane was it?”

  Neil stepped beside her, and his eyes bulged. “Oh, my God!” he muttered. He sat down on the couch and watched trance-like, his head wobbling. Megan nestled up beside him and put her hand over her mouth.

  “Oh, shit, look at that! Another one!”

  Out of the far left hand side of the screen another jet appeared and drove itself into the north tower, exploding in a huge fireball. Janet let out a shriek. Neil turned and pulled Megan toward him. He looked at Janet and then at the screen as it repeated the image over again.

  “They say it happened an hour ago,” William said on the other end. “And get this, the Pentagon was hit, too! They’ve grounded all the planes. What the hell’s going on?”

  Three days later –

  Though Salem didn’t have a large airport and didn’t handle any of the major carriers, there was an eerie silence in the skies after the attacks. Janet strode out to the back yard, her eyes upward, and brought Neil a glass of ice water. He sat back on his heels from puttering around in the flowerbeds, took the glass from her and downed a swallow.

  Neither of them had talked about the events on the eleventh, as if bringing the subject up would ignite the whole thing all over again. The horrors of watching the towers collapse killing thousands were still too close for her. She couldn’t get the image out of her head of the couple holding hands as they jumped out of the 88th floor to their deaths. It would live with her forever.

  She said, “It’s coming along nice.”

  He appraised the rose bush, a Traditional Hybrid Tea he had planted. The bush would put out pink flowers the following year. “Let’s hope I’m doing this right.”

  “Doing what right?” she said.

  Neil wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead with the back of his gloved hand. “Planting this bush.”

  “Oh, I was talking about the garden in general.”

  He swept his eyes over the flowerbed. Mums and butterfly bushes, various ornamental grasses and ground coverings were in various stages of decline. “Ah, yes. It will look nice next spring, if I do say so myself.” He gave her the glass, leaned over and pushed a banana peel into the fresh laid soil around the rose bush.

  Janet cocked her brow. “What’re you doing?”

  He looked back over his shoulder. “Feeding it.”

  “Okay,” she said.

  He sat back on his heel. “Roses are potassium lovers. Bananas are rich in it, or so the book says. If you want healthy, vigorous roses, planting banana peels at the base of them is what you do.”

  “You’re the expert.”

  “Far from it, my dear.” He studied his efforts. “I heard Megan on the phone this morning with that husband of hers. Sounds like she’s taking him back.”

  Janet sighed. “She loves him.”

  “Right.” He took his gloves off, and she helped him get to his feet. “I hope she knows what she’s doing.”

  Janet let the comment go unanswered. After a minute, she said, “I got a letter from Nadia.”

  “Did you? And how are she and Trev? I liked her. Real nice girl.” He paused and looked off toward the distant fields bey
ond the stream. “So, what do you think?”

  “About what?”

  “The rose bush?”

  Janet wrinkled her brow and forced a smile, ignoring the foreboding feeling forcing itself into her heart. More and more over the last few months, Neil forgot things he’d just said. “Yes, honey. It looks nice.”

  “They say if you put banana peels around the base of the bush it helps promote healthy roses.”

  “So, I’ve heard.”

  “Oh, so you’ve read the book?” he said, grinning.

  “Glanced at it, yes.” She patted him on the shoulder. “Say, you want some lunch? I was thinking of putting together a salad and some sandwiches.”

  “What kind?”

  “Ham and cheese.”

  He smiled. “Sounds good. I’m in.”

  23

  Three years later –

  The attacks of 9/11 had a profound effect on Nate, and when Jessica announced two years ago that she was going to go to Ohio State instead of SFU, it was one more reason for Nate to enlist in the army. Janet tried to dissuade him, but there was no changing his mind, and it frightened her. Not because he impulsively enlisted, but because ever since Jessica left, he was a different person: distant and far away. She knew he brooded about Jessica’s absence, but it was more than that. Had they fought? The last time she saw Jessica, things appeared okay between them, but who knew, and Nate wasn’t saying anything.

  He had now been in Iraq for the better part of six months. And the war, despite the President’s declaring victory, was far from over. With each suicide bombing or I.E.D. going off, things just got worse.

  Thanksgiving fast approached, but it didn’t feel the same. There would be no plate set for Nate. Janet threw the last load of laundry into the washing machine and went to her studio to check e-mail. Nate usually sent one every week if he could get to a computer. Her inbox held nothing from him today, and hadn’t for the last two weeks.

  Neil shuffled in and sat beside her. He’d been outside winterizing the flowerbeds. His body moved erratically in the chair. “It’s been two weeks and nothing,” she complained.

  Neil pressed his lips together and put his arm around her. “He’s all right,” he said gently. “He’s probably busy, is all.”