Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  But he paid no attention to her and picked up a shoe and shot it at her, missing her by inches.

  He yelled out again, “Give!”

  Her heart raced. “No!”

  Neil’s face knotted, and a ferocious anger reared in his eyes. He bent towards the end table, picked up a glass candy dish and hurled it at her. The dish grazed her head and went crashing to the floor.

  Janet froze as Neil glared back. Even though he weighed less than her now, he was still incredibly strong. At last, she gave up and threw the ruined book at his feet. “Fine, take it!”

  He leaned over, and when he picked it up, his face melted back to the calm implacable expression. A minute later, he returned to stripping pages out until he had emptied the remaining sheets onto the floor.

  Thirty minutes later, a knock came to her door.

  “Hi, my name is Karen. I’m from the service,” a tall, broad woman said after Janet opened the door. She let her in and showed her to the Great Room where Neil sat. Karen studied Neil’s face and the strewn pages at his feet. “I take it, he just had a tantrum?”

  “A little while ago,” Janet said. “He threw a dish at me.”

  “I see. What’s his name?”

  “Neil.”

  Karen went and sat beside him. “Hi, Neil, you want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

  He turned a vacant gaze up at her and buried the page-less book cover under his arms.

  “Is that what this is all about?” Karen said, pointing at the book. When he frowned, she went on, “Hmmm, well, no one’s gonna take it away from you.” To Janet, she said, “Has he ever struck out like this before?”

  “He has his moods, but never physical. I’m a little unnerved.”

  Karen nodded. “Yeah, I can imagine. Dementia affects people in different ways. I’m guessing that book has some significance for him. He’s on meds right?”

  “Yeah, Aricept.”

  “Has he had it?”

  “Yeah, right after breakfast.”

  “Well, why don’t we let him hold onto his book for a while.” She eyed the hallway and motioned Janet with a nod toward it. When they were out of Neil’s earshot, Karen said, “I take it you live alone with him?”

  “Yeah.”

  Karen pursed her lips. “I know you’re upset, but don’t be afraid. Just be calm, and when he gets agitated, give him room to calm down, unless he’s in danger of hurting himself.”

  Janet shook her head. “Easier said than done.”

  “I know,” Karen agreed. “I work with a couple of families with difficult loved ones. It’s the hardest thing, watching someone you love fade away right in front of your eyes. Have you ever considered placing him?”

  “I made him a promise I wouldn’t, but I’m beginning to think–”

  “A good idea and no one would blame you.”

  Megan’s face flashed before her. Oh, yes they could. “It’s just hard. He’s always been there for me. I should be–”

  Karen shook her head. “Your father would not blame you, I’m sure.”

  “He’s not my father.”

  Karen’s expression altered slightly as Janet saw her putting two and two together. Janet put her jacket on. “I’m sorry, I really have to be some place.”

  “You go on then. Neil and I will be just fine,” Karen said as she walked Janet to the door.

  When Janet got home, she had a long chat with Karen about Neil. In her heart, Janet knew what she had to do, but the thought of doing it was crushing her. She put her bags in the office after Karen left and noticed the cover of the stripped book on the dining room table. Next to it were the torn pages. She picked them up, set them on the counter and went to check on her husband who had fallen asleep in his recliner, head cocked to one side and snoring lightly. She pulled the knitted blanket draped over his lap up around his chest and tucked it in before heading out to the kitchen to cook herself dinner.

  As she fried up a burger and fries her thoughts went to the dark decision she’d made while she was out, and also of the phone calls she had to make to Trevor and Megan. She ate quickly, put her dishes in the sink and pulled out a dish of macaroni and cheese for Neil. As she mashed it up and put it in the microwave, she gathered her courage.

  “Neil, honey, time to eat,” she said, waking him. He opened his eyes, studied her and smiled as he put out his arm to let her help him up. “You hungry?”

  He gave her another smile as he trudged beside her out to the table and sat. Janet wrapped a bib around his wobbling neck and put his plate in front of him. Feeding her husband had become a humbling, yet endearing experience because it was one of the few times he now interacted with her.

  She wiped his chin and ran her hand over his shoulder, which brought another smile, then cleared the table and walked him back to the TV where they watched the news. This was their routine over the last three months before putting him to bed. At ten o’clock, she helped him into his pajamas, pulled the sheets back and climbed in beside him. As she lay there in the dark with her arm wrapped around him, she rehearsed the upcoming phone call to Megan. Keep it simple and don’t go into to detail. And don’t get drawn into telling her I’ve made any decisions. It’s just a meeting to discuss where things are at with him, that’s all!

  Once Neil was asleep, she crept out of bed and treaded down the hall to the kitchen. There, in the darkened room, she took a deep breath and began punching Megan’s number in on her cell phone until the pages on her counter caught her eye. She flipped the cell phone shut and turned the light on.

  The pages Neil had torn out of her book peered up at her and slowly she sifted through them, enjoying the memories each one brought. After the last one, she sighed and opened the empty book binding to put them in. Suddenly, her heart skipped as the picture of Neil and her, stared back. Their arms were around each other as they smiled out to the reader. As it reached out and seized her, stealing her breath, she realized he was holding on the memory of them as they once were. Her eyes blurred, and her throat tightened.

  The family meeting took place in the Great Room. Janet set a platter of cookies on the coffee table along with a large carafe of coffee. Neil sat in his chair, his body wavering within the beam of sunlight streaming in through the front window. Megan bent over beside him, her hand stroking his arm. At last she kissed him on the forehead before retreating to the couch to join Brad. Nadia and Trevor sat in broad, wingback chairs next to Janet, their faces grave and watchful.

  Nadia said, “The cookies are good.”

  “Yes, they are,” Brad agreed, stirring sugar into his coffee.

  Trevor turned a despairing eye toward Janet. “So, Janet, it’s your meeting. Go ahead.”

  Janet took a deep breath; keenly aware of the gaze Megan was leveling at her. “Neil has become very difficult. I haven’t told anybody because I’ve been trying to deal with it myself before I came to you.” She paused. “I don’t know how much more I can do. The doctor wants to place him.”

  “No!” Megan burst out. “I know where this is going, and it’s not going to happen.”

  Brad let out a sigh. “Christ, Megan, give it a rest already, would ya?”

  “No, Brad!” She turned to Janet, her face rigid. “You said absolutely, never. Remember?”

  “I know what I said, Megan,” Janet said. “But it’s not that simple anymore. He’s becoming dangerous to himself, and to me. Do you want something bad to happen to him?”

  “Of course not! Look, if he’s too much for you, we’ll take him,” Megan said.

  “The hell we will,” Brad snapped. “He belongs with Janet, and if she can’t take care of him, then a nursing home.”

  “Shut up, Brad. This is my father, not one of your useless buds,” Megan retorted, narrowing a withering gaze on him.

  “Hey,” Trevor said, his voice slicing through the air. “This isn’t the time for this stuff. He’s my father, too, and I don’t want him in a home anymore than you Megan. But the fact is he’s
unmanageable.”

  “What would you know?” Megan sneered. “You were in Germany for twenty fucking years, nursing your childish anger over something our father had no control of. I find it odd that now you’re willing to give up on him so easily after accusing him once of giving up on Mom!”

  Trevor’s face erupted in a deep red frown, and as he opened his mouth, Janet spoke up, “Stop it! All of you! Stop it.” She panned the room, fixing her gaze on each of them, last of all, Megan. “You think I want to do this? Do you? Look at me, Megan! Do I look happy?” She paused to let her words hang in the air. “I love your father. He’s my best friend, and the only man I’ve ever trusted.” She swept her gaze around the room again, settling it on Neil who stared out the window at the budding hawthorn peeking over the sill. No one stirred. “And now it’s time for him to trust me, because he can’t make this decision on his own. I know very well how he felt about nursing homes,” she said, well aware she had referred to him in the past tense, and went on, “And I made a promise never to put him in one. But there’s no other way now.”

  Janet turned her gaze back onto Megan. “We both know, Meg, that were he able to speak with us right now, he’d want us to stop this bickering. I called this meeting because I need you guys. You’re my family. You’re all I have left except Nate. You think I want to be alone? You think I want to wake up in an empty house? If there was any way I could do this, I would. But I can’t. I just can’t. Hate me if you will, but this is my decision.”

  The room fell silent, each of them were withdrawn. Neil had closed his eyes, and had fallen into a gentle snore in his chair. At last, Trevor said, “I, for one, don’t hate you Janet. You’ve been good to my father.”

  Megan shook her head. “Well, it seems I have no say in this, so I guess there’s nothing more to talk about.” She got up and marched out of the room.

  Brad pressed his lips together and started to get up, but Janet shook her head and motioned for him to stay put. She went out to the kitchen and found Megan on the back patio, her back to the house and looking off over the flowerbeds. For a moment, she watched her then opened the patio door and went out. As she came beside her, Megan stiffened.

  “What do you want from me?” Janet said.

  “What’d you think? I want you to keep your fucking promise,” she snapped.

  “Even if it endangers your father? Is that what you want?”

  “I don’t see how it endangers him being here.”

  “No, I suppose you don’t. Then again, and I don’t mean this to be insensitive, you don’t live with him.”

  “I offered.”

  “Yes, you did, but he’s my husband.”

  “So, it’s either your way or the highway?” Megan turned and faced Janet. “You could easily visit him in my house as opposed to a nursing home.”

  “And Brad?”

  “Brad can take a fucking hike.”

  “Really? How long have I heard you say that, and you’re still with him? Look, your father’s an empty shell. He’s not in there anymore, Meg. You know it, and so do I. He’s gone!”

  Megan’s face shattered, and she shook her head. “He’s not gone, not all the way. You’re abandoning him. He’d never do it to you, and you know it! Please, Janet, don’t do this. Don’t put him in one of those fucking places.”

  “I have to. I can’t take care of him any longer.” She looked into Megan’s glassy eyes. “How long have we known each other?”

  “I don’t know, thirty years. Why?”

  “Have you ever known me to lie to you?”

  “You’re doing it right now.”

  “No, I’m not. I meant what I said when I told you, ‘absolutely I’d never put him in one.’ But I didn’t know then what I know now. I love your father. You gotta believe that. And I love you, too. I’ve always considered you my best friend, even when you didn’t know it. And I’ll continue to believe that and love you whether you forgive me or not. Megan, I don’t want to lose you over this, but it’s out of my hands.”

  Megan wiped her eyes. “Not if you don’t want it to be. But it is what it is. Do what you gotta do.” She started back inside.

  Janet called after her. “I’d like to involve you in picking out a place. He’s your father, and you should have some say in it.”

  Megan looked back. At last, she said, “Fine. You win.”

  How can I get through to her? “I want to show you something. Stay here for just a minute please?” When Megan nodded, Janet went in and got the empty photo book Neil had torn the pages out of and brought it back out. She opened it and handed it to Megan. “When he went on his tirade and hit me, it was because I had taken this away from him. He was tearing all the pages out. I didn’t know why until I saw the back cover.” She pointed to the picture of her and Neil. “He was holding us like a baby in his arms. I didn’t notice it until later that night. Do you have any idea how I feel about doing this, now?”

  Megan looked at the picture and then out at the woods. At last, she said, “I’m sorry. I know you love him and this is hard for you, but I still feel betrayed.”

  29

  Janet rolled Neil down Portland’s crowded terminal in his wheelchair to the security checkpoint. Clustered around her, were Megan, Brad, Kyle and his girlfriend, Debbie. They found a spot near the long snaking lines waiting to be screened and looked for Nate. Janet’s thoughts were on the day Neil would no longer be living with her. She longed for her father as she eyed Megan anxiously. The battle they’d had on the patio over Neil had echoed in her ears the last month. In the end, neither of them had won, but then, it wasn’t about winning. It was about losing.

  Losing Neil.

  A crowd of travelers headed down the concourse toward them. Megan stood up on tiptoes and saw her brother. She waved and a moment later Nate appeared in his army fatigues and familiar duffle bag over his shoulder. When he saw them, he stepped up his pace and melted into the arms of his family. Janet held him a long time, let him go and watched as he bent over his father.

  Strangers around them stopped to take in the happy reunion. Some of them clapped. One man yelled out, “Way to go soldier. We love you.”

  Neil looked up at his son and smiled. His head wobbled as Nate spoke softly to him. “Hey, Dad, how are you doing? I missed you.”

  There was no reply. Nate went on, “I brought something back for you to charm the nurses with at your new digs.” He looked up at Janet as he said it and reached into his duffle bag. “It’s called a Thoub, and it fits over your whole body like this,” he said bringing out a long, white garment. He stood and held it up next himself to show his father. “They wear these a lot over there because it’s so hot.”

  Neil reached out and ran his fingers down the cotton cloth shirt and pulled it to his cheek. His eyes lit as he rubbed it over his skin. Nate beamed. “I think he likes it. And it’s comfortable as hell,” he said to Janet. He turned to his sister. “Meg, maybe later we can talk?”

  Megan nodded and shot Janet a wary glance.

  Kyle said, “Hey, you got a tat.”

  “Oh that,” Nate said, looking at his arm. He turned and gave his mother a sheepish grin, “You like it?”

  “Yeah, dragons are cool,” Kyle said.

  Janet frowned and resisted the urge to ask if whoever had done it had used clean needles. “It’s interesting. Come, let’s get your father out of here and get something to eat.”

  That night, after Nate helped his father to bed, Janet invited him outside on the patio. She wanted to talk to him about his father’s last day at home. She patted the patio chair next to her and waited for him to sit.

  “It’s so good having you home. I can’t get over how much you’ve changed since I last saw you.”

  “I haven’t changed that much, Mom,” Nate replied, popping the cap off his beer. He took a gulp and stretched his legs out. Cleo got up and went over next to him.

  “To me, you have,” she said. She sipped her water and considered him adoring
ly. “So, how are you really?”

  He nodded and carefully peeled back the label from the bottle. “I’m good. Geez, I can’t believe how fast he’s slipped away. He hardly remembers me.”

  “Me, either,” Janet said. “Nate?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I know we were both going to take your father to Hazelnut tomorrow, but would you mind spending the day up to your sister’s instead?”

  He fixed her with a penetrating gaze, his deep blue eyes burrowing under her walls and into her heart. “It’s okay, Mom. I understand. We’re all gonna be okay.”

  Janet rolled out of bed the next morning, dragged her robe over her shoulders and went to Neil’s bedroom. Silently, she stood watching him in the dark as he slept. In a few short hours, she would put him in her car and take him to his new home in Hazelnut Manor. She sighed and left him, pulling the door shut behind her.

  As she crept down the hall into the kitchen to put a pot of tea on, she fought to keep her emotions in check. Nate had left for Northgate late last night. She wondered if he was lying awake in bed right now thinking about his father and what she was about to do.

  She sighed, went into her office and picked up the empty photo book Neil had put his indelible mark on. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers across the cover of the book. But crying would do her no good now. There would be plenty of time for that later. For now, she would make the best of her last day with Neil at home.

  She forced her dark thoughts away as the teakettle whistled and pulled down a mug. As she spooned in honey and added a splash of cream, she realized how many habits she had adopted of Neil, but then, so had he from her. The public radio station murmuring at the end of the counter for one: the methodical way she read the paper for another.

  No more.

  She eyed the clock on the stove. It was pushing 7:30 AM. She went back down the hall and into his room, saw Neil lying on his side and climbed in beside him until the alarm in the other room went off.

  Forty-five minutes later, she set dishes out for breakfast, and in the midst of buttering her toast, felt tears well in her eyes. She set the knife down, put her face in her hands and collected herself. Not now!