Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  Drawing a deep breath, she walked into his bedroom. “Morning, Gorgeous, time for breakfast.”

  A smile blossomed on his lips, and his mottled hand stretched out and patted her soft brown cotton blouse. His vacant eyes swept over her face as she wrapped her fingers around his and got him up out of bed. “Come, up you go. Time to start our day.”

  As they sat at breakfast on the patio, Neil looked out over their backyard. His plate of scrambled eggs was half eaten and she was about to spoon another bite up for him but changed her mind. Let him enjoy his gardens one last time.

  When the clock over the fireplace mantle struck ten o’clock, she steeled herself. The moment had finally come. Reluctantly, she picked up Neil’s suitcase feeling like an executioner, and went to collect him from his chair. He looked up at her as she pulled him to his feet and shuffled toward the foyer. The walk to the car felt like forever and she opened the front door and set him inside, pulling the seat belt around his shoulder. He turned his face up toward her and frowned, but the furrowed brow faded when she kissed his cheek.

  Traffic on the road heading into the city was heavy and in the distance, under a patchwork of tattered clouds, she spied the sprawling brick manor that looked more like a prison than a home for her husband. Then, all too soon, there it was.

  She slowed down as Neil gazed out toward the manor. I just can’t do this! Not this way, not now. She turned back onto the arterial that wove through the city and finally out into the hills toward the coast.

  An hour later they arrived at Fogarty. She led Neil to the old bleached log they had sat on so long ago at the end of the footpath marching down to the sea. The damp gritty earth felt good under her feet as she unlaced his shoes and took his socks off. It was still three hours to high tide, but the gray ocean sent an army of waves at them nonetheless.

  “Come, Neil,” she said, getting up and extending her hand. As she pulled him to his feet, he burrowed his toes into the sand and followed her out onto the barren beach where they walked along the shoreline until they came to her grotto. She turned to him and put her arm around his waist, eyeing him with desperate hope.

  “This is where we fell in love and where you married me. Do you know that? Right here in this exact spot. I can still see you in your suit. You were so handsome, and when you looked at me my heart broke. It was like I was the only woman alive. And you put this ring on my finger and you said those words: for better or worse, I will love you forever.”

  But his gaze veered off over the dunes. She caught the cry in her throat and put her hand to his chin, turning his face back to her. “I love you. I will always love you. If you’re in there, please forgive me.” She pulled his hood back and ran her trembling fingers through his windblown hair. “My beautiful husband. Please let me see you one last time.”

  But an empty, blank look was all she got. Threatening tears overcame her, and she peered up. The gray sky moved overhead, indifferent to her plea, and the air was wet with fine rain. A deep rumble rolled across the sky. The universe had answered. It had given him to her, and now it was taking him back. She clenched her eyes shut and grit her teeth. It was done. She had lost him and her body quaked in his limp and unresponsive arms. The gulls argued overhead as the waves slashed at the shore. In that moment, she would’ve given her very soul to feel his embrace around her and hear his comforting voice.

  Then as she started to pull back, she felt his fingers clutch at her jacket, and little by little, felt his arms tighten around her. She opened her eyes to see him looking back with a bright, clear gaze. “Neil … is that you?” she said, daring to hope.

  “Janet? Why are you crying?”

  Her heart leapt and she pulled him into her arms and held him fiercely. “Oh Neil! There’s so much I want to tell you.” She pulled back and wiped her eyes. “Do you remember our first Christmas together? I ruined the turkey, and you laughed. I was so angry with you. But you gave me that boyish grin and how could I be mad? And then there was the time when Nate was so sick and I had pneumonia and you took care of him. You put him in his car seat and brought him in bed with you while I slept in the guest room. I remember getting up and looking in on you. He had his little hand wrapped around your fingers.”

  “He woke up every time my hand fell away,” Neil said.

  “Yes. Do you remember that? And when we first kissed? Do you remember standing on my porch? You were so nervous. I knew you wanted to kiss me, but you didn’t how to begin so I kissed you instead. I can still see your surprise and delight. You were so sweet. And then there was the time I said you were beautiful, and your eyes watered and you told me that no one had ever said you were beautiful before. Do you remember that?” she said cupping his face in her hands and basking in his adoring smile. He nodded, and then, just like that … he was gone.

  She had been granted five precious minutes, and though she knew she should be grateful, she wanted more. She wanted to walk with him until they ran out of beach and then back again. She wanted to tell him about how he took Nate fishing for the first time and that they brought home a stringer of sunfish. Nate was so excited and she spent a roll of film photographing him with his triumph. She wanted to kiss her husband again and be kissed back, wanted to feel his loving touch on her body, his fingers running through her hair, hear his gentle snoring when he slept. But he was beyond her now, and so she gathered her courage, pulled his hood up over his head and took his hand. It was time to begin a new life–a life without Neil at home.

  30

  Three months later –

  The staff at Hazelnut Manor embraced them, and Janet spent as much time with Neil as she could and still take care of things at home. This week, she surprised herself by volunteering to run a craft program at the manor, and was pulling together an outline for this week’s project in her office when she heard a car pull up in her driveway. She pulled the curtain back and peeked out the window. Megan, I wonder what’s up. Her thoughts went immediately to Neil and her stomach knotted. She took a deep breath and tried to dismiss the multitude of crazy thoughts rushing at her as she headed for the hallway with Cleo traipsing behind.

  “Hey. Can I come in?” Megan quietly said when Janet opened the front door.

  “Of course,” Janet said, stepping back and letting Megan slip past her into the foyer. It was quite apparent by Megan’s wistful expression this had nothing to do with Neil, and Janet breathed a sigh of relief. But her guarded feeling remained. After she shut the door, she turned around and added, “Are you okay, Meg?”

  Megan shrugged and glanced at Janet fleetingly. “Yeah. I umm … I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and … I was wondering if we could talk?”

  “Sure, I’d like that,” Janet replied, and felt her guard drop a bit more. Whatever was on Megan’s mind, it wasn’t an argument; that was clear. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “A cup of coffee would be nice, thank-you,” Megan answered. “You hear from Nate?”

  “Yep. He just put in for coming home next May. He wants to be here for your father’s birthday,” Janet said, ushering Cleo ahead of her as she led the way to the kitchen. She pulled a couple of mugs down and started a pot of coffee. “I heard Kyle’s heading to college.”

  Megan sighed. “Yeah. OSU of all places.”

  “Really,” Janet said, digging a couple of spoons out of the drawer. “Well, he’ll be close by. That’s something.”

  Megan drifted to the patio door and looked out over the backyard. “Yeah.” She paused and Janet watched her pan the flowerbeds. At last, Megan said, “I walked out on Brad last month.”

  Janet looked up, surprised, not so much that Megan kept it to herself for so long, but that she had finally left Brad. “I see. Want to talk about it?”

  “Not really. I should’ve never gone back to him to begin with.”

  “So, where’re you staying?”

  Megan turned around and slid a chair out from underneath the kitchen island. “Right now, with a gal at work, but
I can’t stay there long.” She paused and sat. “Know of any reasonable apartments?”

  “I might,” Janet replied, and nodded toward a plate holding a coffee cake. “Can I twist your arm into sharing a piece of this? One of the neighbors down the road forced it on me, and I can’t begin to eat it all.”

  Megan gave her a crooked grin. “Right … Oh, what the hell. Sure. Slice up a piece.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Janet said. “So, have you seen Brad since…”

  “No, thank God,” Megan said. “He called my cell a couple of times and left me some email, but that’s it. I think he knows we’re toast, but he’s just going through the motions. Besides, I don’t expect I’ll have Internet much longer anyway. Verizon likes to get paid … regularly.”

  “Imagine that!” Janet said.

  “Yes, imagine it,” Megan quipped as she pulled the dish Janet put the coffee cake on toward her.

  As Janet poured, she said, “But seriously, you’re still working, right?”

  Megan nodded. “Yep. Still there. Doesn’t pay shit, but it’s a job,” Megan answered as she dug her fork into the slice of coffee cake.

  “Hey, let’s get outside.” Janet said, picking up her plate.

  They went out and sat in the bright sunshine talking about the weather, politics, local news until at last, Megan said, “Nate and I had a long talk when he was home. He told me when he was here on leave a couple years ago, he heard you crying late at night about Dad when you thought no one was around. He said you used to repeat things to him over and over again so he wouldn’t forget. That after Dad got real forgetful, you’d write our names on little slips of paper along with our picture and put them in his pocket.” She drew breath, pressed her lips together and went on. “That you put a heart around my name so he knew I loved him.”

  Janet sipped her coffee and thought back to that time. As difficult as it was, she wouldn’t trade the memories for anything in the world. “I did everything I could to hold that monster back.”

  “I know that. And now there’s something I want you to know.”

  Janet set her coffee down, searched Megan’s face and as she did so, saw the harsh lines that had carried so much anger and hurt over the years, fade away. Megan leaned forward, took Janet’s hand and said, “A few years back my father and I had a long conversation. He told me about the night on your beach. It was right after my incident at the Reporter. He said it was a turning point for him. That you gave him reason to believe he could be happy again, and that you helped him see how much I needed him. That what happened to me wasn’t his fault, and that what really mattered was me. That I needed him. He told me someday we’d need each other like that, too. He was right. I’m sorry I was such a bitch. You didn’t deserve it. I just couldn’t see straight. Anyway, can we start over again? I don’t want to lose you.”

  Janet squeezed Megan’s hand. There were no words that lived in this world to express how she felt. She sent a silent thank-you upward and said, “You won’t” And maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have to lose Neil completely. A part of him sat before her now. And another part of him lived through the eyes of her son. And still another part of him lived within her heart and soul. And for the first time in a long time, she had hope. She had Neil. For she suddenly realized a part of him would always be with her.

  Resources

  In the writing of this book, the author drew from his own experiences as a pastoral visitor at several local Nursing homes in upstate New York as well as serving for several years as a Hospice volunteer. What has been depicted in this fictional book is only an example of how Dementia may behave and therefore is not to be considered exhaustive. Below are some suggested texts and resources for further reading and research on Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s Disease and Dementia.

  Texts:

  “Still Alice” by Lisa Genova – PhD at Harvard University: Pocket Books, A division of Simon & Shuster. Copyright © 2007, 2009 by Lisa Genova.

  “The 36 Hour Day” by Nancy L. Mace, Peter V. Rabins: Grand Central Publishing. Copyright © 2012

  “When Your Parent Becomes Your Child” by Ken Abraham: Thomas Nelsen Incorporated. Copyright © 2012

  Websites:

  Alzheimer’s Foundation – alzfdn.org

  Dementia Advocacy and Support Network International –

  www.dasninternational.org

  National Parkinson Foundation – www.parkinson.org

  The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s research –

  www.michaeljfox.org

  About the Author

  Ron is a practicing architect living in upstate New York. An avid hiker and photographer, he has traveled to Nepal, New Zealand and throughout the United States, Alaska and Hawaii collecting ideas for character driven stories of romance and adventure. Look for his upcoming novel, Beyond the Veil, situated in the dense rainforest of the South American Amazon Basin, which will be coming out soon to Amazon for Kindle, and to Barnes and Noble for Nook.

  Connect with Ron via Facebook at R.J. Bagliere or on the World Wide Web at: www.rjbagliere.com

  Dear reader,

  Thank you for taking time to read Loving Neil. If you enjoyed it, please consider telling your friends or posting a short review. Word of mouth is an author’s best friend and much appreciated.