The Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless

by Ahmet Zappa

The desire to escape won him over.

  Our cages were suspended by ancient, rusty chains attached to a worn-down swing arm. I guessed the arm could be used to move the cages right, left, up or down. The controls to the swing-arm mechanism, consisting of several levers and a turn wheel, were a good fifty feet away. So my plan was to make a line of rope from the extra clothes I had on (once again proving useful) long enough for Max to be able to lower me down from our cage. Then I would try to swing myself safely over to solid ground—without the rope breaking and me falling to a hideously painful burning death, of course. When I told Max what I intended to do, he offered me a gum ball. Then we got to work.

  Max helped me rip the clothing up into long strips. Then we knotted them together into one long, multicolored, multi-textured rope. We secured one end of it to one of the lowest bars of our cage, close to the cage door. The door was barely held closed by its busted lock, and all that was needed to open it was a hard push. But Max decided he had to finish the job by unnecessarily kicking it open, scarily resulting in his almost tumbling out. (That would not have been fun.) I had to grab Max by his belt loops to save him.

  “Thanks, Minerva, that was almost the end of me,” said Max, shaking and sweating.

  “Maxwell and Minerva, I want you both to stop what you're doing this very instant, do you hear me? You are both too young to be daredeviling around like that with your lives, my little cupcakes!” screamed our father, but it made no difference.

  “Max, I need you right now,” I said firmly, snapping him out of his daze.

  “I'm here, I'm ready. Are you sure you want to do this, Minerva?” asked Max, cautiously looking over the side where he had just almost fallen, where I was willingly intending to go.

  “No, Max, I don't really want to. It's scary. But someone has to, so help me over the side before I lose my nerve.” I wrapped my end of the rope around my wrists and held on tightly.

  Max picked up the remaining slack of the rope in both his hands and anchored his feet to the sides of the open cage door. “Don't worry, Mini, I've got you.”

  I took several deep breaths to calm my rapidly beating heart. “On the count of three. One, two, three!” Then I stepped off into nothing.

  Max jerked slightly from my weight as he held on, lowering me inch by inch toward the flaming abyss below. I couldn't look beneath me for fear that a petrifying panic would take over my body. I imagined myself as a hooked piece of bait, powerlessly snared on the end of a fishing wire, intended to lure death's burning jaws around me for a nine-year-old struggling fisherman. I had to stay focused on my plan. I needed to save my brother and father. I wanted to go home. So once I heard Max shout down from above me, “That's as far as you can go, Minerva,” I began to swing. The knots were holding, but my hands were getting tired. I had only one shot at this, so I needed to make it count. I focused on my target of solid, sturdy ground. I swung my legs high above my head, forcing my weight as far forward as possible. I became a human pendulum swinging back and forth, gaining speed, height and momentum as I went. I had to cover a great distance with a length of rope fifteen feet short of my intended target, so the rest would have to be made up in the air. I waited until I was going as high and fast as I could, until I felt like I couldn't hold on to the rope any longer—and that was when I let go, launching myself through the air, the heat of the demon flames beckoning below. It wasn't a graceful landing, and I certainly wouldn't want to try something like that ever again, but I made it—alive and uncooked.

  “Great job, Minerva. Now get us down from here,” shouted Max, relieved by my success. But strangely, our father said nothing.

  “Two safely lowered cages coming right up!” I shouted at them, dusting myself off from my not-so-soft landing. An inventory of my scrapes would have to wait. With all my strength, I pulled the proper levers and turned the wheel to lower the cages safely. Before Max's cage touched down, he jumped the last few inches with Ms. Monstranomicon in his hands and ran toward me.

  “Yes! You were awesome, Minerva. Great job!” He tackled me with a hug and squeezed me like only a little brother could.

  “How did we get down here?” asked Ms. Monstranomicon groggily, finally waking up.

  “I can't believe you woke up just now and you missed all the scary bits I had to go through. I'll tell you all about it in a second. Let me free my dad,” I told the book as I worked the levers. My father's cage must not have had a lock on it, because once it touched ground, he flung his cell door wide open and came straight toward me.

  “Now, Daddy, don't be mad, but Ms. Monstranomicon is here with us. I know you said that if she were ever to fall back into the hands of evil, there was no telling what monsters would be able to do. That's why we need to get out of here as fast as possible, before the Snargle comes back. So don't be mad, okay?”

  “Minerva, Max, I am not mad about Ms. Monstranomicon being here. Quite the opposite, and I'm so glad that both of you are safe. I would have hated it if either of you had fallen into that dreadful pit, my sweet lumps,” he said, wrapping his arms around Max and me, squeezing us tightly. We closed our eyes and hugged him back. His arms grew tighter and tighter as he held us close to him. “I would have cried my eyes out if I had lost the chance to SSssuck SSssyour SSssbrainsSS, SSssand SSssmy SSssmaster SSsswill SSssbe SSsspleased SSssto SSsshave SSssthe SSsstraitorousSS SSssbook SSssback.”

  All at once the awful truth reared its ugly head—and I do mean ugly. What we'd thought to be our father morphed back into its true form, the Swoggler—the same creature that had drained my poor father to within an inch of his life.

  Max and I had been hornswoggled by a Swoggler.

  What had once been our father's arms were now leeching tentacles with bitey mouths. What had once been our father's worried face was now a gaping sucker maw filled with serrated needle teeth, smothered in slime, with saber-tooth tusks protruding from its undulating lips. Max and I kicked and screamed while it salivated in sheer delight at our horror. Ms. Monstranomicon promptly fainted once again, useless, and was snatched up by one of the Swoggler's free tentacles. I couldn't help thinking that after all we had been through, after all that we had risked, Max and I would sadly soon be dead—eaten slowly by a Swoggler.

  dark, crackling energy shot from its eyes, enveloping Ms. Monstranomicon in harmful hatred.

  “I'm burning, I'm burning!” screamed a struggling, smoldering Ms. Monstranomicon. “Oh, no! Not you again, never you! You are so cruel; my worst nightmare has come true again. Run, children, run!” But there was nowhere for us to go. We were trapped between three abominable creatures who had no plans to let us escape.

  “Stop hurting her, you fiend!” I yelled.

  “How touching, the girl really seems to care about you, traitor,” said the beast.

  “Please let them go,” pleaded Ms. Monstranomicon. “I'll stay with you forever, I'll give freely all the secrets I possess. Just let them live. They're only children.”

  “Shut up, book! You don't get to tell the king of evil what he should or should not do!” growled the villainous creature as it ripped half of her pages out and flung her to the ground, where she lay motionless, silently bleeding all her ink.

  “No!” I cried. Max and I stood slack-jawed as we stared at our deeply wounded friend, not sure if she was alive or dead.

  “I'm so sorry to have kept you two McFearless mischief-makers waiting, but now that I've taken care of reacquainting myself with an old friend, you have my undivided attention,” the beast said. “Allow me to properly introduce my royally evil self. I am the Zarmaglorg, the king of evil, and I must say, what a pleasure it is to finally meet both of you.”

  “Go stand in the sun!” I shouted.

  “That was very funny, McFearless. Almost as funny as when I tortured your father and beat him senseless. Now, you have something that I desperately want, so why don't we get down to business?”

  “Snargle want coyote-in-belly pain go bye-bye,” moaned the Snargle. “Me w
ant girl boy sister meat. Me thinks brother sister meaty boy girl bones help Snargle pain disappear. Please, master, let Snargle eat!”

  “SSssyesSS, SSssmaster, SSsslet SSssme SSsstaste SSsstheir SSssdeliciousss SSssthoughtsSS. SSsslet SSssme SSsswoggle SSssthe SSsslife SSssout SSssof SSssthem, SSssmaster,” hissed the Swoggler hungrily.

  “Well, it seems that both my Snargle and my Swoggler are very eager to eat the two of you, which leaves me in a bind, because I also need answers out of you. What should I do, I wonder? I want to be a good king to my starving, suffering servants, but I also want to be your friend, children, to give you the opportunity to escape their savage swoggling and snargling. Would you like that? All you have to do is tell me where the Enotslived Diamond is and I'll let you go,” the Zarmaglorg bargained.

  “Yes, that would be really great. I would like very much to live,” said Max, stuffing two gum balls into his mouth.

  “That is a very sensible decision, young Maxwell. That is your name, correct?” asked the Zarmaglorg.

  “Yes, it is, Mr. King of Evil, Zarmaglorg, sir. But I have no idea what an Enotslived Diamond is,” answered Max, holding his hands over his ears to protect them from the fiend's voice.

  “Really, you expect me to believe that the great-great-great-grandson of my most hated enemy doesn't know what I'm talking about? Well, Minerva, how about you? Can you tell me where the Enotslived Diamond is? If you do, maybe I won't snap your baby brother's neck,” hissed the Zarmaglorg, his forked tongue darting in and out of his monster mouth. Then he swiftly grabbed Max by the throat and squeezed. His black nails dug into Max's neck, cutting off his oxygen supply, turning his face blue.

  “Stop it! Please, stop it. I'll tell you anything you want. Please!” I cried.

  “I want what was inside that Bewilder Box, and I want it now! Tell me where it is or your brother dies!” The Zarmaglorg squeezed Max harder.

  “I don't have what you're talking about, but I think I know where it is,” I said.

  “You ‘think' you know where it is? Think harder. This is not a game, Minerva McFoolish!” screamed the evil king.

  “Okay, okay, I'll tell you, but first let him go.”

  “Very well. Last chance, child,” said the Zarmaglorg as he released his grip. Max gasped and gulped for as much air as he could get back into his lungs with a panicky, coughing wheeze.

  “I think what you want was around the neck of our friend, Mr. Devilstone, but the Snargle ate him,” I told the beast.

  “You expect me to believe that? Lies, lies and more lies, child. You leave me with no choice but to kill your—”

  “No!” I interrupted him before he could snap off my brother's head. “Listen to me. I swear, I'm not lying to you. Your stupid Snargle slave ate it.”

  “Girl sister is telling truth, master. Me filled Snargle tummy with a hurting coyote,” the Snargle groaned to its master, holding its swollen, aching belly. “Snargle needs girl sister boy brother meat to cure Snargle tummyache. Master, please help me tummy hurt no more.”

  “Snargle, dear sweet Snargle, your tummy really is hurting you,” cooed the Zarmaglorg soothingly. “I've been such a bad king. Let me help you, Snargle.”

  “Thank you, master, thank you,” said the relieved Snargle happily, with an enormous smile upon its face. The Zarmaglorg's dark eyes crackled with evil energy, and he pointed one of his taloned fingers toward his servant, emitting a burning blast of heat. The Snargle exploded into thousands of thick, moist, meaty pieces. We were sopping wet from head to toe with Snargle gore. It was a smorgasbord for the Swoggler, who found the fresh raw bits of Snargle delicious in every way. The Zarmaglorg laughed so hard that his horns almost fell off his hideous head. I couldn't help myself; I projectile-vomited at the ungodly sight of it all, and the Swoggler swoggled that up too.

  So that he didn't have to bend over, the evil king used one of his long, spiky monster toes to sort through some of the bigger hunks of steaming Snargle mess in search of what was left of its stomach. He kicked over pieces of bone and guts, stepping into parts of brain and heart, which squished up between his toes. Finally, directly under what could have been the Snargle's liver or an undigested part of Mr. Devilstone, the Zarmaglorg discovered a faint red light shining through a thick puddle of fresh Snargle fluids. The evil king hissed with glee when he spotted what he had been missing.

  “Now that I have my diabolical diamond back, I don't need to keep either of you alive.” The Zarmaglorg cackled with mischief in his eyes.

  “Thank you, oh master of my demise, the most brilliant beast of all monsterkind. I'll ask my last lowly human question,” I continued. “Well, you see, I keep wondering why the most magnificent monster monarch of all time would need to blow up one of his most faithful followers for a mere diamond. What could you possibly need it for when you are already all-powerful?”

  “Well, everything you say about me is true, and I'm glad that you recognize all my incredible evil attributes. Although I do need this diamond, I don't want you two thinking any less of me, because, after all, only my brilliant monster mind can conceivably understand exactly what the Enots-lived Diamond's true powers are. Now that I have it back, every last human child shall be eaten, starting with both of you. No one will be safe. Every living thing on this planet shall have to kneel before the monstrous might of me,” the Zarmaglorg ranted rejoicingly.

  “Yes, it is true; we don't stand a chance. No one does, your evil eminence,” I said, further inflating his already huge monster head.

  “It is so great to hear you say that. You know, I might actually miss you after I eat you, Minerva. I really think I will. But I can't wait to unleash the Enotslived's powers—powers that I never got to let loose fully upon this mortal world of men because of your great-great-great-grandfather Maximillius McFearless.”

  I might have imagined it, but I could have sworn that the moment the Zarmaglorg spoke my great-great-great-grandfather's name aloud, the red diamond in his hand reacted with a slight pulse of power, which went unnoticed by everyone except me.

  “Maximillius got lucky, that's all, for no mere human truly stands a chance against my monster might. However, your ancestor managed to steal this diamond of destruction, along with that traitorous book, before I could enact my dreadful plans of domination. I have no worries anymore, though, now that it's mine once again, and very soon there won't be any more McFearlesses left to stop me. I truly do wish you could be here to see me use it to open a doorway between our two worlds, yours and the demonic dimension from which I come. You see, it was quite by accident that the diamond brought me here thousands of years ago, before I knew how to use the Enotslived's powers or even knew what they were. It teleported me here, and to my delight, I found you humans to be absolutely delicious. I grew tired of having to bring my fellow monsters here one by one and tried without any luck to create a permanent doorway between our two worlds. But after countless years of experimenting with the Enotslived's many powers, I finally discovered a way. Maximillius, unfortunately, ruined everything. Tonight, however, nothing can stop me. My nefarious plan shall finally be realized. I'm going to bring forth an army of undead demons from my dimension. I will rule your world with an evil iron-clawed fist. The entire human race will be enslaved and used as lunch meat for me and my kind. And I will force children, like you, to watch as I murder helpless puppies, for the sole purpose of collecting the traumatized tears that drip from their crying eyes in pretty goblets made from human skulls. In fact, I'll drink their salty sorrows as if they were fine wine and delight in their suffering. It's going to be great! Sadly, you'll be dead by then. It really has been fun talking to you, Minerva, but now I believe it's time that I devoured you and your brother,” declared the king of evil joyously, eyes energized for death.

  No more stalling. This was really the end for Max and me. We backed as far away as we could from the Swoggler and from the Zarmaglorg's advancing monster footsteps, until we were cornered by unclimbable cave walls that lef
t no room for us to escape.

  “Max, I want you to know that I love you and that you're a good brother, the best brother,” I said, teary-eyed, holding him tightly.

  “You too, Minerva,” Max said, shaking with fear. We couldn't come up with a way out of this jam, so we closed our eyes.

  But then a monstrous miracle happened. Within the Zarmaglorg's hand, the Enots-lived Diamond brightened with a powerful red light. We could see its bright glow even through our closed eyelids. The Zarmaglorg screamed in pain. His wail was so horrific that we opened our eyes and had to cover our ears. The howling evil king tried to shake the damaging diamond loose from his clawed hand before it caused him any more agony, but he failed. It burnt a circular wound right through the center of his palm, cauterizing demon flesh as it passed through monster muscle and bone.

  Monsters from above heard their suffering master's scream and came rushing down the stony stairs to his aid. Snarling, growling, hissing and hating creatures piled by the dozens into the room, where they too were about to bear witness to an unbelievable phenomenon.

  Magically, the Enotslived Diamond floated in midair, blazing like a walnut-sized supernova. Scarlet light poured over us, with a glow that penetrated and pulled at our bodies like a weird vacuuming wind. The messy remains of the murdered Snargle that were still stuck to us and every last chunk that the Swoggler hadn't yet eaten were magically drawn into the pulsing red core of the crimson diamond and absorbed, feeding it, causing the light waves it emitted to grow even brighter and refract throughout Castle Doominstinkinfart. Its rays affected everything they illuminatingly came in contact with. Dead, burnt bats were reanimated and took flight once again with sonar-filled songs of joy. The fiery depths rumbled and rocked in anger, demanding that the light be stopped, shaking the cavern walls, causing all of us to fall to our knees.

  Rats, worms and cockroaches crawled up through the foundation and circled in celebration from the happiness the red light brought to their tiny pest brains. Ms. Monstranomicon grew healthier too. Vital ink flowed back into her, and between her hardened cover brimmed freshly grown, crisp pages of parchment. Her worn, weathered, wrinkled spine smoothed over until she shone like the day she had been printed.