The Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless

by Ahmet Zappa

  Max and I also had positive reactions to the ruby rays of light. We stood brimming with life, healed of our wounds, basking in the diamond's glow. Our feelings of fear and despair had been dashed away, replaced with a McFearless desire to fight back and kick some monster butt.

  The evil beings all around us, however, were suffering as if the sun had risen upon them. Clawbsterdons began boiling inside their own lobsterlike shells. Hundreds of tiny Icklickers were squealing in pain and exploding all over the place like kernels of popping corn. Unihorned Poozwampits started shaking uncontrollably and belching out gut-wheezing chartreuse plumes of smoke. It was as if all of the monsters were being punished for every wicked deed they had ever done in their monstrous lives—and it was glorious.

  But that was not the most miraculous thing to happen by far. Something was waking up within the Enotslived—something the Zarmaglorg wasn't liking one bit. The diamond began growing, transforming, molding itself into something else, familiar yet different. A fluid form started taking shape, resembling a human baby, then reassembling itself into a coyote cub. Paws became the hands of an older boy, and hairless feet grew fur. It couldn't make up its mind, struggling with what it wanted to be. Its one-eyed animal snout contorted into the face of a one-eyed man. The glowing nebulous mass fought with itself; man or animal, it needed to decide. Finally, it must have made up its mind, because from the center of the conflicted being blasted an enormous burst of light, brighter than any we'd seen before, blinding all of us in the room, monster and human alike, with its decision. Then, all at once, everything went dark.

  one he had in the painting above our fireplace back at home. The Enotslived Diamond rested in the center of his palm.

  “I thought you said you were Mr. Devilstone,” said Max, confused.

  “Mr. Devilstone and I are one and the same, Max. I thought that at least one of you would have figured it out by now, that you would've put two and two together and discovered my little secret. It really wasn't that hard, considering that Enotslived spelled backward is Devilstone and that we both have only one eye.”

  “But how? How did you survive? How are you still alive?” I asked.

  “Yes, how did you survive, McFearless?” the Zarmaglorg asked with murderous intent, staring at Maximillius through the hole in his crippled hand.

  “Sorry about your hideous hand, old chum. I wish I could have taken the whole arm off, but I was a little preoccupied. Next time, I promise,” answered Maximillius sarcastically.

  “I can see now where Minerva got her sense of humor, and I'm not amused. Tell me how you survived all these years. Humans don't normally live that long, but then again, you're not human anymore, are you, Maximillius?” said the Zarmaglorg with a demonically smug smile upon his face. “Ah, the irony of it all. The diamond has turned you into one of us.”

  “No, fiend, I am nothing like you,” snapped Maximillius defensively. “I may no longer be hu-man and I may be more monster than man, but I'm no enemy to the human race. I don't cowardly devour helpless children and eat the flesh of mortals like you do, creature. I've become something worse, something that you should be very afraid of. You see, for me to survive, I must eat the flesh of monsters, and I liked what I tasted in you, Zarmy. Years ago I came here in search of knowledge, to find a way to destroy the monsters that plagued my family and so many others. I had heard legends of an ancient book, within a fortress made of tombstones, under the rule of an evil king. Its many pages held all of monsterkind's secrets and weaknesses, and therein lay my hopes for a safer world. Everyone told me it was suicide, sneaking into the king of evil's forbidden lair. But I had to risk it and so became the first person poisoned by the book's painful bite. As I lay here dying, I heard her voice, and she begged me to help her escape from your cruel reign. She told me all about the place from whence you came, and about how this world was in jeopardy. She said she knew things that weren't written in her pages, things that she had secreted away from you, and she offered me a choice. If I promised to take her away from this horrid place and keep her safe for all time, she would save my life, transform me. Otherwise, I would die here in this castle. So a deal was struck between us. She instructed me to pick up your precious diamond and used her knowledge of arcane incantations to fuse the diamond's hidden energies to my soul, binding us together, forever, into something unlike anything our two worlds had ever known. You discovered me lying on the floor and thought me helpless, but really I was in the beginning stages of my transformation, in a cocoonlike state, catatonically unaware of your approaching threat. The moment you tried to finish me off, the protective powers of the diamond unleashed their full fury upon you. I'm sure you remember what happened next, beast. It must have taken you years to get out of that burning quagmire I sent you into,” said Maximillius, pointing at the pit.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact it did, and the pain you caused me shall never be forgotten, McFearless. I plunged horns-first into the pit's searing flames, its unholy fires licking at my monster flesh, roasting me like an evil marshmallow. I desperately swam through the pit's molten heat. It was hatred that kept me going, my hatred for you, McFearless. Eventually, I made it to the scalding rocks on the side of the pit and slowly managed to crawl, inch by agonizing inch, out of the inferno. So severe were my injuries that it took me twenty years to properly heal, with every moment of my agony a reminder of how much I hated you. The thought of exacting my revenge upon you, and upon anyone you cared for, gave me the strength to painfully carry on. I promised myself that, once fully restored, I would personally see to it that the entire McFearless family bloodline was snuffed out. I'd get my stolen diamond back and open the gateway between our worlds. I will not fail a second time, McFeeble. I will have the powers of my diamond back, and if that means having you as my slave, then so be it,” the king of evil growled, signaling his minions to follow him as he charged toward Maximillius.

  “Take cover, children!” commanded Maximillius over the din of vicious snarls and howls; then he quickly handed me Ms. Monstranomicon before racing straight toward the onslaught of his swarming enemies. They all collided with him at once, with the Zarmaglorg drawing first blood. The evil king pummeled our great-great-great-grandfather with a series of energized concussive blows that shook the entire castle keep. Maximillius tried to dodge other savage attacks from the ravaging creatures that surrounded him. They piled on top of him, fangs bared and razor-sharp claws slashing, smothering him under the weight of their many monster bodies. Max and I ducked behind a crop of stalagmites that protruded up near the back of the cave. It seemed impossible, from where we watched, huddled together, that Maximillius could survive something as terrible as this. It sounded like he was being torn limb from limb by the battling beasts, but against all odds, he wasn't.

  With the strength of a hundred men, he emerged from the pile of the Zarmaglorg's minions, punching and kicking with fury. One by one, creatures fell as he fought them with bone-crushing force. The monsters' howls of rage and confident battle cries were rapidly replaced by wails of pain. But that didn't stop the beasts from attacking him in droves. Maximillius shot beams of tornadoing light from his fingertips at the multiplying rush of monsters. The beams swirled around like angry wasps, instantly turning some of the creatures to ash and sending others flying about the cavern.

  “You can't go on fighting like this forever, McFearless,” the Zarmaglorg shrieked as he dispatched more of his evil army. “There are just too many of us. Eventually, you'll run out of power and your strength will wane, giving me the upper claw!”

  “You'd like that, wouldn't you, horn head?” Maximillius answered, sending a series of red lightning bolts zapping down on the Zarmaglorg's head, frying off one of his horns with a sizzling snap that infuriated the evil king even further. However, the king was right. Because for every three creatures Maximillius monsterminated, one would land a powerful blow that left our great-great-great- grandfather visibly weaker. Still, Maximillius stood his ground and continued
to fight, doling out his brand of swift justice, until all that was left of his enemies was a one-horned Zarmaglorg, surrounded by piles of the defeated.

  “It's time we ended this conflict once and for all,” declared an exhausted Maximillius.

  “Yes, let's!” agreed the evil king assuredly, his hate-filled eyes crackling once again with demonic power. Then the Zarmaglorg shot tendrils of chaotic magic from his hands straight up into the air and brought them arcing down upon Maximillius like a flock of carrion birds descending upon a fresh kill. Maximillius barely had time to form a protective shield of blazing light around his entire body as the dark energies coalesced upon him, battering him violently. It then became a battle of wills and ancient magic, Maximillius's crimson aura of light clashing against the Zarmaglorg's beams of crackling black. Their magics swirled and snapped at one another in the air above their heads, as if dancing to death's final lullaby. They collided like cobras, again and again, causing brilliant displays of white-hot sparks to shower down. Maximillius began buckling under the strain of the Zarmaglorg's wicked assaults. Finally, he fell to his knees.

  “The world will be mine, McFearless! You've lost. Now you and the rest of your pathetic McFearless clan shall die!” proclaimed the Zarmaglorg victoriously. Maximillius was spent. He didn't breathe or even twitch. But just to make sure of his victory, the evil king sent another crippling round of magical bursts pounding down upon his hated enemy. The fight was over. All was lost, and our hearts sank. The Zarmaglorg approached the limp, defeated body of our great-great-great-grandfather to retrieve his long-awaited prize, the Enotslived Diamond.

  But the king of evil was met with a surprise.

  Somehow, miraculously, Maximillius slowly and shakily rose toward his foe, veins bulging from the pressure of simply standing. “I'm not dead yet, you ugly, overgrown wart with wings—but you will be!” he wheezed. Then, with all the remaining strength he could muster, pulling from the very fibers of his magic-infused soul, he sent a blazing blast of unparalleled magnitude hurtling toward the cold black heart of the Zarmaglorg. This was the last thing that the evil king ever could have imagined possible. His startled scream of shock was cut short as the full force of Maximillius's attack blew a gaping hole through his chest, tearing him in two. Both halves of the wounded Zarmaglorg's torso flopped and twitched about while he struggled without any luck to reattach them with the use of his fleeting black magic.

  “This can't be happening. I'm the king of evil, and evil never dies!” the Zarmaglorg sputtered, spitting out thick gobs of rancid-smelling blood from the back of his gurgling throat. The same putrid vital fluids seeped out of his injuries, while his equally essential magical energies drained from his open wounds as well. His normally sharklike black eyes turned white as the last embers of his evil life force finally died out.

  Maximillius collapsed, completely drained from the battle.

  wheezing breaths. “I want you to become great monster hunters, and you're both definitely well on your way. But I wasn't honest with you as to what my real intentions were from the beginning of this awful trip. I used both of you so that I could gain access to this castle unsuspected. I've been manipulating things within the shadows of the McFearless family for years. It was I who arranged for my beloved Ms. Monstranomicon to mysteriously show up on the doorstep of our family home all those years ago, establishing her safekeeping throughout the generations. When I learned that the Zarmaglorg was still alive, I realized I would need help, so I used my powers to create the illusion of a red moth and orchestrated Max's finding the secret McFearless monster study. I needed you both to meet Ms. Monstranomicon so that you could start learning early what it truly takes to be a McFearless, because I knew that your father wasn't going to teach you anytime soon. And last of all, it was I who placed myself inside the Bewilder Box and arranged for Milgrew to deliver me to your door, knowing full well that you both would find me. The Zarmaglorg's forces of evil were rising once again, and I hadn't had contact with any monster other than Ms. Monstranomicon for eons, so my powers had been severely weakened. Regrettably, I wasn't strong enough to help your father the night the monsters surprise-attacked us. It wasn't until Max bled on me that I was able to reconstitute a body for myself. Tasting some McFearless blood fully charged what was left of my human side and enabled me to create a body with which to go forth into battle. I picked the form of a coyote, knowing full well that the Snargleflougasaurus who had attacked us wouldn't be able to resist swallowing me if it ever got the chance, and when the opportunity arrived, I let the two of you get captured. Once I was inside the Snargle's belly, I knew that I'd be able to grow even stronger. I siphoned off its monster energies while it carried me inside itself, undetected, into Castle Doominstinkinfart. I knew that as long as the Zarmaglorg believed either of you to possess the Enotslived Diamond, I would finally get my chance to destroy his evil once and for all. I never expected to grow as proud or as fond of both of you as I have. I knowingly put you directly in danger, and for that I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me and can find your father before it's too late.”

  “I can't believe it. You used Max and me like puppets,” I said, outraged. “You really are more of a monster than a man.”

  “Yes, and I understand if you hate me. But right now you must get out of here before this whole castle comes crashing down. Head for the stairs, find your father and escape this evil place. Please.” It seemed there was still something left of our great-great-great-grand-father's human, compassionate side.

  “Wait, we're not leaving without you. We can all go together. I'll help you,” said Max.

  “No. Leave me. Hurry now, go….” Maximillius wheezed as he spoke his last words.

  “No! Please don't die. You promised to protect me. No!” moaned Ms. Monstranomicon mournfully.

  “It's okay. Max and I will protect you now,” I said, trying to soothe her. But to be honest, I was a little worried about how we would escape without Mr. Devilstone's—I mean Maximillius's—help.

  The three of us stared down at him for a long moment before saying our goodbyes. Ms. Monstranomicon finally stopped her sobbing in my hands as we headed toward the tiny stone steps in the distance. We had to climb over the burnt remains of many monsters to do so, but eventually we made it to the stairwell. It was impossibly dark inside, and we had nothing to light our way. We didn't know how far we would have to climb or what, if any, untold dangers lurked ahead. All we knew was that our father and our freedom lay somewhere up the steps, so we moved upward, in the dark.

  Unfortunately, we didn't get very far. From the shadows leapt the cowardly Swoggler. It had been hiding all this time, afraid of Maximillius's powers, worried that it would meet the same fate as so many of its dead master's slaves. But now it recognized an opportunity. The Swoggler smacked me hard into the side of the stairwell with a swat from four of its octopus-like sucker tentacles and snatched Ms. Monstranomicon from my grip. Then it hacked a sickeningly gluey slimeball out of its saber-toothed mouth directly into Max's face and pushed him down the stairs while it slither-ran right past him toward the pit.

  “The Swoggler got Ms. Monstranomicon! What do we do now?” Max asked, rubbing Swoggler gunk from his eyes.

  “Well, we're two McFearlesses against one monster, and that disgusting creature needs to be taught a lesson,” I said, tired of being scared and fed up with being pushed around. “We've beaten bigger before, so I figure we can monsterminate that leeching worm once and for all. Let's go get our friend back!”

  “I agree. Look for something that we can use against it,” Max suggested. We scanned our surroundings, and all we could find were rocks. So we hurriedly picked up as many as we could and quickly ran after the Swoggler, in hot pursuit.

  “SSssopen SSssup SSssyour SSssmind SSssto SSssme. SSssI SSsswill SSsshave SSssall SSssyour SSssecretsSS, SSsstraitor. SSssI've SSsswaited SSsshundredsSS SSssof SSssyearsSS SSssfor SSssa SSssmoment SSsslike SSssthisss, SSssand SSssI SSssshall SSssfinally SSssbecome S
Sssthe SSssnew SSssking SSssof SSssevil!” screamed the Swoggler at Ms. Monstranomicon in frustration. It had never tried swoggling a talking book before and was having a hard time of it. The creature had her completely in its mouth and was practically sucking her cover off when the first of our rocks slammed into its head.

  “Give me back my friend!” I yelled.

  “SSssstay SSssback,” threatened the Swoggler with its mouth full. It didn't enjoy the second or third direct hit that we fired off into its leeching wormy skull either. “SSssor SSssI'll SSssdrop SSssher SSssinto SSssthe SSsspit.” Then the Swoggler took her out of its mouth and held her over the side by one of its tentacles.

  “Help me, Minerva! Oh, please, Max, save me!” cried Ms. Monstranomicon, disgusted by her abductor's creepy, clammy clutches.

  “Let her go, sucko!” I shouted at it even more angrily, and noticed that Max had stopped throwing rocks, which was weird because he's a much better shot. He had an odd, overly thoughtful expression on his face, and he pulled me close.

  “Minerva, I have a plan. When I take my third step toward the Swoggler, drop to the ground immediately. On my third step. Remember. Okay?” Max whispered in my ear. I nodded, and then he shouted to the Swoggler, “Okay, we won't throw any more rocks at you. I want to make a trade. You give my sister back her book buddy and I'll let you taste what's in my brain.”

  I was shocked by what Max had said.

  “SSssnever! SSsswhen SSssI'm SSssdone SSsssucking SSssevery SSssword SSssout SSssof SSssher, SSssthen SSssyou SSsscan SSsshave SSssher SSssand SSssher SSssempty SSsspagesSS SSssback SSssto SSsswrite SSsson,” threatened the Swoggler, with gross sucking sounds behind every word it spoke.