The Perfect Nanny

by Karen Clarke

‘Sophy!’ Dom leapt up as I entered, relief temporarily smoothing his face. ‘Where did you go?’ he cried, reaching for me. ‘I’ve been worried out of my mind.’

  The curtains had been drawn against the darkness outside and the overhead light was too bright. ‘I thought Liv knew something.’ I blinked at him, stiffening as he tried to take me in his arms, clutching Finn’s blanket to my chest. ‘I followed her to Suffolk.’

  He reeled back, eyes roaming my face, which felt tight and swollen. ‘You’ve been to Suffolk?’

  ‘It’s a long story.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Liv thought her mum’s carer Freya had taken Finn, because it turns out she was the one who called social services. She thought I was neglecting him.’ Seeing Dom’s confused expression, I added, ‘She used to be a social worker, a baby died under her care, so she’s … I don’t know, she’s got some issues, but we searched the lodge she’s staying at and there was no sign of a baby, and Liv doesn’t believe she took Finn, even though she was parked outside the house.’

  ‘Did she see anything?’ It was Laura, the liaison officer, rising from the dining table where she’d been listening to our exchange.

  ‘I didn’t think to ask, but I don’t think so.’ Sickness rose. ‘She said she saw Liv’s car and thought Finn must be OK so she drove off.’

  ‘I’ll call it in,’ Laura said quietly. I gave her the address of the holiday site and she slipped out of the room.

  Dom was shaking his head, a hand over his mouth. Breaking the weighty silence, he eventually said, ‘You left the car in Suffolk?’

  Exhaustion crashed over me. ‘It’s the least of our worries, Dom.’

  ‘I know, of course. I was just so scared.’

  I didn’t have the strength to respond, to reassure him I was fine. I wasn’t and we both knew it.

  A strangled sound made me turn. Elizabeth had been there all along, sunk into the armchair, holding a throw cushion to her chest. She looked older and appeared to have shrunk. The sight was unsettling, like seeing her without make-up, or drunk. ‘Where is he?’ she said. ‘Where’s Christopher?’

  ‘Mum’s devastated,’ Dom said quickly. ‘You mean, Finn, don’t you, Mum?’ His face was sheened with sweat. He looked as sick as I felt.

  ‘What are the police doing?’ I said, too loudly. ‘Do they have any leads at all?’

  Dom closed his eyes and shook his head again. ‘Not yet.’ His words snagged. ‘I heard them talking about a media appeal, us appearing on TV.’

  Fear whipped my spine. ‘But that might scare off whoever has Finn, make them more likely to run, or hold on to him.’ I scrabbled at his sleeve. ‘I think it’s a bad idea.’

  ‘It might jog someone’s memory.’ Dom took hold of my fingers. ‘Whoever it is, they can’t hide forever. Someone might know something.’ I heard a threat in his voice and knew he was holding it together by the slimmest of threads. ‘The police know what they’re doing Sophy; we have to trust them.’

  ‘I’ve made some tea.’

  We sprang apart as Robert came in carrying a tray, which he placed on the coffee table; five steaming mugs of dark liquid, a jug of milk, a bowl of sugar. ‘I’m so glad you’re safe, Sophy.’ His voice held a tremor. His normally clean-shaven jaw was layered with silver stubble and his forehead was lined with worry. ‘I’m so sorry this has happened.’ His grey eyes filled with empathy and I had to look away as I nodded an acknowledgement. ‘Natasha messaged to say she’s just stopped for petrol,’ he added, moving to rest a hand on Dom’s shoulder. ‘She should be here soon.’

  Why? I wanted to cry. What can your sister do?

  ‘Your mum’s coming too,’ Dom said to me, hands hanging helplessly by his sides. ‘She got the first flight out after speaking to you.’

  I took a step back, a hand clamped to my mouth. Mum coming meant this was real. This was the process when the unthinkable happened. Family rallied round, ashen-faced and disbelieving, wanting to help in some small way, offer their support. I’d never imagined it happening to us.

  ‘Have you been out looking for him?’ I rounded on Dom, tears flying from the corners of my eyes. ‘Have you been here all this time, doing nothing?’ Anger was like a fire raging through me. ‘How can you sit there, drinking tea, while our son is … is … when he’s out there somewhere, needing us? How?’ I wanted to punch him, hit something, tear down the walls, but my energy drained. I sagged against the back of the sofa, while Dom sank his head to his chest and covered his eyes with his palms.

  ‘I did go out.’ He sounded tormented. ‘I knocked on doors, but most of the neighbours didn’t even answer and the press were gathering, trying to take pictures and asking questions, so I came back.’

  ‘You must try to get some rest.’ The liaison officer was back, guiding me with gentle hands. ‘As soon as we hear anything, we’ll let you know,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you try to get some sleep.’

  ‘Sleep,’ I scoffed. ‘Has your baby ever gone missing?’

  She remained silent, her eyes soft and understanding.

  As if from a distance, I heard muffled sobbing from the armchair. Elizabeth. Robert said some soothing, meaningless words that only made her cry harder. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t stand to witness her suffering. I felt an anger out of all proportion that she was in my home, claiming the grief as hers, doing nothing remotely useful. In that moment, I hated everyone. The feeling galvanised me towards the hallway, holding tight to Finn’s blanket as I threw off Laura’s hand and stumbled up to the nursery. I slammed the door and sank to my knees on the rug by Finn’s cot. Pressing the blanket to my belly, I folded forwards and rested my head on the floor. Finn. Where are you?

  I felt close to him in here; imagined I could hear him gurgling as he watched his mobile spin, casting rainbow colours across the wall. I shut my eyes tight and saw him staring at his star-fished hand, as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world; I inhaled, and smelt the milky, sweet scent at the back his neck, better than any perfume.

  Maybe if I’d loved him properly, not been so scared after he was born, this wouldn’t have happened. Whichever way I looked at it, this was on me and all the ways I’d failed him.

  I had to get him back, because no one else would. The police had nothing to go on, no CCTV, no sightings, no witness statements. Nobody knew anything.

  I wondered what the neighbours were thinking, Petra and the other mums; whether Clare and Gary had heard my baby had been stolen. They’d be thrilled by the drama in their midst, glad it hadn’t happened to them. They would blame me, the mother, and why not? Liv told Kim about the social worker’s visit, so gossip would have spread in kitchens up and down The Avenue and further. There was no reason Kim wouldn’t have believed Liv’s version of my life. It was the truth.

  I stretched out on the floor, Finn’s blanket at my nose as I tried to breathe in his fragrance, but all I could smell was my own sour breath, the interior of Liv’s car and a trace of gone-off milk.

  My eyelids drooped shut and I snatched them open. I’d wasted enough of the last few months asleep when I should have been wide awake, taking care of my baby.

  Someone knocked gently on the door. Not the urgent knock that heralded good news. Someone checking up on me.

  ‘Sophy, Dom needs you.’

  Elizabeth. ‘Go away.’ My throat was dry, my tongue thick.

  There was silence for a few moments, then footsteps retreated down the stairs.

  Below me, voices rose and dipped.

  Blackness swirled around and I felt the walls looming in, closing around me like a tomb. My body felt broken, as though I’d been hit by a lorry.

  I cried for a while, pointless, stupid tears as loneliness circled, then I got up and stumbled to the bathroom.

  After using the toilet, I splashed my face with cold water at the sink, then caught some water in my palms and drank, feeling the icy trickle reach my empty stomach. I drank some more, felt my brain sharpen.

&n
bsp; Someone had to know something.

  Think.

  Gripping the edge of the sink, I stared at my reflection in the mirror above. Moonlight slanted through the window. My hair was a coppery smudge around a ghost-white face, my eyes sunken and wild with a gleam of determination.

  I would talk to the neighbours myself. Never mind what they thought of me and my parenting skills, or whether they thought I deserved what had happened. I’d shame them into recalling the tiniest detail that could lead me to my son.

  I dried my face, smoothed my hair and pulled on a hooded top before hurrying downstairs, careful not to make a sound. In the kitchen, the dishwasher whirred as I slipped through the back door and ran to the gap in the wall at the side of the house, then jogged down the lane to the street where Liv had dropped me an hour ago.

  The moon lit my path and my breath misted the air in front of my face. I jumped when a fox shrieked in the distance, my heart speeding up. No one was around, the windows of the houses dark, like shut eyes. Even the TV van had gone. People were sleeping soundly, without a care in the world, but not for much longer.

  I’d scream the whole street awake if I had to.

  Chapter 38

  Liv

  I’d been parked outside number seven for almost an hour worrying about Finn, about Sophy. I’d called to check on Mum. She was in bed reading and told me not to worry about her. She seemed OK, her ordeal behind her.

  I don’t know why I hadn’t gone straight home. Maybe I thought if I sat there long enough I would recall something vital that would lead to finding Finn. But despite thoughts of Freya, Ryan, Alicia and even Elizabeth bouncing around my head, I’d come up with zilch. Nothing.

  I straightened up and rubbed my tired eyes, and was about to start the engine, when I saw Sophy heading up The Avenue, hugging the shadows. I climbed from my car, and opened my mouth, about to call out, but there was something in her determined strides as she turned the corner that made me change my mind. I didn’t want another confrontation.

  I locked the car, and ran up the silent avenue, trainers smacking the pavement sounding too loud in the darkness, the cold air slapping me awake. I glanced back before reaching the corner. The only house lit up was number seven. I imagined Dom inside pacing, praying for his son’s safe return, and a lump rose in my throat.

  I turned the corner to see Sophy hurrying across the wide empty road, looking both ways, before disappearing through an open double gate that led into a private lane. She was heading for Kim’s house.

  I continued to follow at a distance, my heart hammering as I entered the lane.

  Sophy was up ahead, her phone torch lighting her way. Indigo Cottage came into view, lit by a porch security light. The white pillars looked eerie in the darkness, the heavy bay window frames giving the place an oppressive feel.

  The only other light came from an arched bedroom window. I held back, and stepped behind a tree as Sophy approached the front door, and rang the bell. She stood for some time, waiting, turning on the spot, before thudding on the door with her fist three times. Finally the door opened.

  I stepped out of the darkness – moving closer, trying to hear what she was saying. Kim emerged, dressed in checked trousers, and a knitted jumper. Her eyes narrowed as she looked towards me. ‘Olivia? Olivia is that you?’

  Crap.

  Sophy spun round. ‘What are you doing here?’ Her tone was hostile.

  I folded my arms across my chest. ‘I could ask you the same question.’ It sounded dumb, and she looked bewildered. ‘I was trying to catch you up,’ I continued. ‘I saw you come out of your house, but you were too far ahead—’

  ‘Listen it’s very late,’ Kim interrupted, ‘and I really don’t think I can help you any more than I already have, Sophy.’

  I moved closer.

  ‘I was just asking Kim if she remembered anything else from this afternoon.’ Sophy’s voice was cold.

  Kim stroked her hand down Sophy’s arm. ‘I wish I could help. But I honestly can’t recall seeing anything more than I’ve already told you.’ She looked down at her fingers, turned a small plastic object over in her hands. ‘The car – the Volvo – well as I said before it looked suspicious.’ Her eyes were back on us. ‘The driver was huddled in the front seat with their hood up … but you say the owner didn’t take Finn.’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve told you all I know, and I really haven’t anything to add. I’m so sorry.’

  Sophy shook her head. ‘I’m desperate to find him.’

  ‘Of course you are. Have you considered Elizabeth?’

  ‘Elizabeth?’

  ‘Now don’t get me wrong, I like her very much,’ Kim said. ‘But she’s quite obsessive about Finn – you must see that.’

  Sophy looked at her with wide watery eyes. ‘I know, but—’ She paused, seemed to be considering something.

  ‘She can be a bit possessive,’ I said.

  ‘And she felt her nose was being pushed out, that’s what she told me,’ Kim said.

  ‘She said that?’ Sophy’s tone sharpened.

  ‘I didn’t take it seriously, but who knows what she might do if she’s desperate. I feel awful pointing the finger at his grandmother, but she told me many times how much she’d love to have Finn full-time. It would never surprise me.’

  ‘But she’s devastated,’ Sophy said.

  I shrugged. ‘And you think she’s genuine?’

  Sophy’s gaze briefly met mine. ‘I just don’t know anymore,’ she said.

  ‘Go check on her.’ Kim turned to head back into the house.

  Tears fell from Sophy’s eyes. ‘She wouldn’t hurt him, I know she wouldn’t.’

  ‘We should get back.’ I took hold of Sophy’s arm, but she shook me off. ‘We need to go. Now.’ I strode across the drive, as Kim closed the door.

  I fumbled in my pocket for my phone, and turned on the torch to light our way.

  ‘I don’t know what I was thinking going to see Kim at this hour,’ Sophy said when we’d almost reached the gate, her tears drying on her cheeks. ‘What if she’s right about Elizabeth?’ She seemed to be almost talking to herself. ‘But where would she have taken him? It doesn’t make sense.’

  It was as we turned into The Avenue something struck me. I stopped, out of breath. ‘Hang on! Wait up.’

  ‘What?’ Sophy stopped too, and looked over her shoulder, her voice wary.

  ‘You said when you saw Kim. When she told you about Freya’s car, that she was walking Dougie in his pram.’

  Sophy nodded. ‘And?’

  ‘Kim made a big deal about Dougie hating his pram, that he won’t go in it. She always has him in that sling thing.’

  I sensed her thinking. ‘He was definitely asleep when I saw him. Snuggled right down. Maybe he was a bit off colour.’ She headed off again, disappearing into the darkness.

  I caught up with her. ‘I don’t trust Kim,’ I said. ‘Did you see how edgy she was? The way she pointed the blame at Elizabeth. The way she twisted that dummy over and over in her hands.’

  Sophy stopped. Spun round. Her eyes widened with shock. ‘Oh my God,’ she cried. ‘I need to get back there.’ She began running in the opposite direction, as though her life depended on it.

  I jogged after her. ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘The dummy.’ She was breathless. ‘It’s got to be Finn’s.’

  ‘All dummies are the same, aren’t they?’

  ‘She disapproves of them, made me feel like a failure that day at Mums Meet Up, with her views on pacifiers.’

  As we headed up the lane towards Indigo Cottage, Kim was stuffing a suitcase into the boot of her car.

  ‘Kim,’ I called, as we ran. ‘Kim, wait!’

  She flashed us a startled look. ‘Why are you two back?’ she cried, but she didn’t wait for an answer. She got into the driving seat, and started the engine.

  ‘Stop her!’ Sophy cried, as the car came towards us.

  As Kim swung the car to face the lane, headlights blinding,
I caught sight of a baby carrier in the back seat. I could barely see the child, and tried to tell myself it was Dougie. But the odd way Kim was behaving filled me with doubt. Why was she heading off so late? Why wouldn’t she stop?

  As she passed, I launched myself at the side of the car. Tried to grab the door handle. She swerved and I was knocked backwards, thrown to the ground. I tried to get back to my feet, but it was never going to happen, my head was spinning, and I dropped back down. The sight of Kim’s car heading away caused a sob to rise in my throat. ‘You have to stop her, Sophy,’ I cried. ‘I think she’s got Finn.’

  Chapter 39

  Sophy

  Liv lay unmoving just beyond the pool of the security light. As I took a step towards her, she lifted her head. ‘Sophy, stop her!’

  The car’s rear lights glowed red as Kim sped towards the end of the lane. I sprinted after it, feeling as if my lungs would burst. Had she got Finn? Why else hadn’t she stopped?

  The car braked, giving me time to catch up. I ran in front of it, barely aware of what I was doing, only that I had to stop Kim disappearing. I threw myself on the bonnet as the car began to move forward, but wasn’t prepared for the slam of pain that winded me, or how hard it would be to hold on to the wide, slippery surface.

  Kim spun the steering wheel, her face a mask of shock. Her eyes met mine through the windscreen, glazed with panic and fear. Behind her, in the back, was a car seat containing a blanket-shrouded bump, the head barely visible. Dougie … or Finn?

  ‘Kim, let’s talk.’ I was breathless, my voice small and useless. ‘Please, don’t leave.’ The wind whipped my words away. ‘I just want to ask you some questions.’ The dummy. It had to have been Finn’s. She’d been so adamant Dougie wouldn’t have one, unless … The thought hit like a brick. Maybe she’d been saving face, too embarrassed to admit she’d caved in; that she wasn’t quite the perfect mother she made out. She was revving the engine, her face expressionless now, as if she’d made a decision.

  ‘Kim, no!’

  A vision of Liv streaked across my vision, hauling herself onto all fours at the top of the lane. The car shot forward then stopped and I flew off the bonnet. I barely registered the agony as I thudded heavily onto my back. I pulled myself up and wrenched at the door handle, desperate to get inside the car, but it was locked.