The Perfect Nanny

by Karen Clarke

  My heart stalled as I peered inside. The baby was so still, head slumped to one side of the seat, lips pursed. A familiar swirl of red curls, damp on his forehead, was visible beneath a knitted hat. ‘Finn!’ I slapped the window, pulling hard on the handle. ‘Kim! Open it, now! Please, I’m begging you.’

  In the driver’s seat, Kim was motionless, hands on the wheel, staring straight ahead. I rattled the handle again, yanking hard, sobs hurting my throat. Why wasn’t Finn waking up? He never slept this deeply, even in the car, especially when it wasn’t moving.

  I daren’t let go of the handle, knowing Kim could take off again. She was going to have to drag me with her.

  ‘Kim!’ I choked the word out as I slammed my palm against the window once more. There was a dull thunk as the internal locking system was activated. The door finally opened, sending me reeling back. Then I was clambering into the car, reaching for Finn, my cold, shaking fingers fumbling with the straps on the seat. ‘It’s OK, I’m here, Mummy’s here, it’s going to be fine, I love you so much.’ The words poured out as I freed my son and clasped him to me, breathing him in as though I’d been starved of oxygen. Tears of relief and love streamed down my face as I pulled off the hat and stroked the curve of his cheek, kissed him over and over and whispered, ‘I love you so much, little bear.’ I placed my cheek to his nose, felt the puff of warm air on my skin and slumped with relief. ‘Why isn’t he waking up?’

  ‘I gave him Calpol.’ Kim’s voice was toneless.

  ‘Calpol doesn’t make him sleep.’

  ‘I mixed it with brandy. Not much, just enough to make him tired.’

  I began to cry softly as I stared at Finn’s peaceful face, lit by the moon slanting through the rear window. ‘How could you?’ I wept, then Liv was climbing into the back of the car, the side of her head clotted with blood. Her eyes widened when she saw I was holding Finn. ‘Oh, thank God,’ she cried, putting an arm around my shuddering shoulders. ‘Is he OK?’

  I nodded, turning from her to press my face into Finn’s hair. ‘She gave him brandy to make him sleep,’ I said. ‘He’s too warm.’ Laying him on my lap, I stripped him to his vest and nappy then held him close once more, the feel of his sturdy body like everything wonderful I’d ever experienced magnified by a thousand. ‘Why?’ I spoke to the back of Kim’s head. ‘Why did you do this?’

  ‘Bloody good question.’ Liv’s voice quivered with fury. ‘I’ve called the police – they’re on their way.’

  Kim hadn’t moved; made no effort to get out of the car, or even look at us. She sat there in her padded coat, hair gleaming like dull metal. She remained perfectly still, even as the night sky lit up with flashing blue lights and the wail of police sirens sliced through the silence.

  Something struck me and I looked around, searching for signs of her son; another baby seat, his blue cup, his toys – but there was nothing. ‘Kim.’ She didn’t reply. ‘Kim, where’s Dougie?’ Perhaps he was with his father. Apart from a mention of him closing deals on the golf course, I had no idea what her husband did or where he was. There’d been no sign of him at the house. ‘Where’s Dougie?’ I repeated, fear sharpening my tone.

  ‘There is no Dougie.’

  ‘What?’ Liv’s shocked tone echoed mine and for a split second, our eyes met in mutual disbelief.

  ‘He’s not my son.’ Still that expressionless voice, as though her life-force had been sucked out of her. ‘He’s my nephew, my sister’s boy. I was looking after him for her, but she worked things out with her husband and wanted Dougie back.’ She made a noise in her throat, a mix of grief and anger. ‘I couldn’t stand it.’ She bent her head and covered her face with her palms. ‘I couldn’t bear that my little boy was gone.’

  I was struggling to process her words and could tell that Liv was too. I remembered how confident she’d been at the baby group, how she’d seemed like the textbook mum, so much better than the rest of us. ‘So, you just decided you’d take mine?’

  ‘I couldn’t get pregnant again after I lost my baby boy. It’s why my husband left me.’

  ‘Your husband left you?’ Liv and I exchanged looks, her confusion mirroring mine. ‘He’s got twins now, and I …’ She half-turned, as if registering the police car that had pulled up, the officers getting out and walking towards us. ‘You don’t know how lucky you are.’ Her voice was loaded with bitterness now, feelings returning like blood to a deadened limb. ‘Elizabeth was right about you.’ She looked at me then, her eyes small and mean. ‘You’re not good enough for that little boy. I’d have given him everything.’

  I hadn’t misheard or imagined it. Elizabeth really had said it, to me as well as Kim. Had her cruel words fired something in Kim, given her the nudge to take my baby like a jealous child helping herself to another’s favourite toy?

  ‘How did you even think you’d get away with it?’ I shook with the intensity of my feelings.

  ‘You must have known you’d get caught,’ Liv said.

  ‘I wouldn’t have.’ Kim gave a mirthless laugh. ‘It’s easier than you think. If you two hadn’t turned up, I’d have been on my way to the airport now and no one would have been any the wiser.’

  ‘Finn doesn’t have a passport,’ I said.

  ‘I still have Dougie’s.’ She spoke so matter-of-factly. ‘My sister had it with her when she returned from Spain to collect Dougie. She had no idea I’d hidden it.’

  ‘How would you explain to your family you suddenly having a baby?’

  ‘Our parents are dead,’ she said baldly. ‘I’d have come back from Spain in a year or so, told her I’d become pregnant out there.’ It was chilling how clearly she’d thought it through. ‘It was perfect, really.’

  ‘Shit,’ Liv said. ‘She really could have got away with it.’

  The driver’s door was pulled open, sending a draught of cold air through the car. In my arms, Finn stirred and sighed. I held him tighter.

  ‘Kim Harrison?’ an officer said. ‘Would you please step out of the vehicle?’

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ Liv whispered, watching as Kim was helped out of the car and read her rights.

  ‘Me neither,’ I muttered. ‘I keep thinking I’m going to wake up in a minute.’

  ‘We’ll need to check the baby over.’ A kind-faced paramedic peered in. ‘You too,’ he added to me, no doubt shocked by my appearance. ‘Just as a precaution.’

  ‘And me, if you don’t mind,’ Liv said. ‘My head hurts like hell.’

  Chapter 40

  Sophy

  Back home, Dom couldn’t take his eyes off Finn. Our baby was awake now, but quiet and calm in my arms. I was glad in a way he was sleepy, not absorbing what had happened. At least, I hoped – prayed – he wasn’t. Prayed, too, that there wouldn’t be any after effects of Kim dosing him with brandy. If I thought about that too hard, about her wanting to keep Finn quiet so she could disappear with him, my insides bubbled like molten lava and I felt capable of murder. I forced myself to breathe, because Finn needed me. He needed me to be tranquil, and Kim would get her comeuppance. The thought of her going to prison was some kind of solace, knowing how much she would hate it; hate the story coming out and all the neighbours knowing. It was still less than she deserved.

  Dom looked like a man who’d been given a reprieve from Death Row, his emotions raw, flowing out in a torrent of endearments, words of love that encompassed me too as he pulled us close. After an initial cuddle with his dad, I’d wanted Finn back with me. I wanted to hold him forever. Dom had to make do with encircling us in a tight embrace, blinking back tears as he murmured, ‘I thought you were both dead.’

  We’d returned after being checked over in the ambulance, while Kim was driven away in the back of the police car, her face averted. The door of her house was open and officers had moved inside where they’d retrieved Finn’s blue and white cat. She hadn’t even bothered to pack it for him, had obviously been in a hurry to leave after Liv and I turned up unexpectedly. Though maybe she’d int
ended to leave his toy behind. She wouldn’t have wanted to take anything that might identify Finn.

  I still couldn’t get my head around what she’d done. How she’d crept into our home and brazenly taken Finn from his cot, no doubt kept abreast of how easy it would be to steal him by my mother-in-law, who – it seemed – had been discussing my state of mind with her.

  Elizabeth had leapt to her feet as soon as I entered the house flanked by Liv – who refused to go to hospital once she’d been told her head wound was superficial – and DI Lane, her body language protective as she ushered us inside.

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ Elizabeth had cried, rushing forward to greet us. I instinctively turned to avoid her outstretched arms, moving to Dom, whose face was streaked with tears as he realised his son was safe.

  Now, she stood awkwardly to one side, knotting her hands together, her face creased with emotion while Robert hovered at Dom’s shoulder, clearly overcome and speechless with relief. The police had left, along with the liaison officer, her expression bright with satisfaction that there was a happy ending – ‘It doesn’t always turn out like this,’ I’d heard her say to Robert – just as Natasha arrived, bringing a fresh burst of thankful exclamations, tears and hugs.

  ‘I can only imagine how you must have felt,’ she said, gazing in wonder at Finn, her expression so like Dom’s I nearly laughed. Lightness moved through me with each passing moment until I thought I might float off, even with the weight of Finn cradled against me.

  Exhaustion mingled with a feeling of liberation. It was as if nothing could trouble me again, now Finn was back. Soon, I would say sorry to Dom for treating his mother badly, forgive him for appearing to take her side when he’d been right to defend her; apologise to Elizabeth for my attitude towards her.

  I tuned out of the chatter around me as Liv introduced herself to Natasha and obeyed an instruction to fill her in on what had happened. My anger at Liv ebbed and flowed. She’d driven all the way to Suffolk because she thought Freya had taken Finn, and she’d been the one to suspect Kim, but it didn’t make up for all the things she’d done. She’d lied to me, made my life worse for a while, but I was trying to understand she’d had her reasons.

  In the meantime, I would make an appointment with the doctor. Whatever the news was, I’d handle it. I just prayed I wasn’t dying. Now I had Finn back, I wanted to be there for him, be properly present in his life, savouring every moment being the mother I should have been from the start. It felt possible – everything felt possible now. I knew Dom felt it too, feelings crackling between us like electricity as we caught each other’s eye, his hand still on my waist: Alicia, his problems at work, my health, our disagreements about his mother … everything fell away, back to how it had been at the start, when all that mattered was that we had each other and our son.

  As I looked from Dom to Finn, whose big blue eyes were fastened on mine, his fingers unfurling to touch my face, all my uncertainty tumbled into joy. It was going to be OK.

  ‘I’m shattered,’ Natasha said, finally shedding her coat and dropping onto the sofa. She hadn’t said much to Elizabeth, I noticed – had barely looked at her mother. ‘I need a hug with my nephew.’

  I reluctantly handed Finn over, knowing Natasha would be thinking of her own son, safely tucked up in bed at home, and saw a look of torment cross Elizabeth’s face.

  ‘Maybe Mum could have a cuddle next?’ Dom’s face was so full of happiness, I didn’t have the heart to protest, to tell him the things that Kim had said, that his mother had told me I wasn’t fit to be a mother. I doubted she’d dare set a foot out of line again. By the look of her, she’d been almost as distraught as me and was still pale and barely speaking.

  Liv came over, looking tired but calm. ‘How crazy has tonight been?’

  ‘On a scale of one to a hundred, I’d say a hundred.’

  We exchanged wary smiles. She didn’t smile much, I realised, but maybe she hadn’t had much reason to, with her mum and the grief of losing her brother. ‘Listen, thanks for being there,’ I said. ‘If you hadn’t tried to slow the car down, she might have got away.’

  Liv shrugged, then winced. I guessed she’d hurt her arm when she fell and didn’t want to say so. ‘I’m just glad Finn’s OK and that no one I knew had taken him.’ She raised her hands and pushed her fingers through her hair. ‘I don’t think I could have lived with myself if I’d brought someone capable of that into your life.’

  ‘I’m going to be looking after Finn myself from now on, I hope you understand.’

  She nodded, her eyes filling with tears. I remembered how optimistic I’d felt about making a new friend, just a short time ago. ‘We could stay in touch,’ I said on impulse. ‘Finn obviously loves you.’

  ‘I’d like that.’ She blinked away her tears. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ Dom said. He was by my side once more, dragging his eyes from his son, being bounced gently on Natasha’s lap while Robert looked on with an indulgent smile and Elizabeth stared into space, her gaze oddly vacant. ‘I really appreciate you being there for Sophy … and Finn,’ he said to Liv, with the generosity of someone who’d narrowly escaped a tragedy and didn’t know the full story. ‘I’m sorry you were injured.’

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing.’ Liv’s fingers moved to the side of her head in a self-conscious gesture. ‘I only wish I’d got my hands on Kim. I want to punch her bloody lights out.’

  Dom’s lips tightened. ‘She’ll get what’s coming to her.’

  Elizabeth had a hand pressed to her mouth and seemed to be struggling to contain herself. As if sensing her distress, Natasha gave a dazzling smile and said, ‘Well, I don’t know about you lot, but I need coffee and lots of it.’

  ‘Good idea.’ Robert spoke in a hearty way that said he appreciated his daughter’s efforts to divert attention away from Elizabeth, who’d lapsed into an almost catatonic state. I guessed Finn being taken had brought back traumatic memories of Christopher. Despite everything, I felt sorry for her.

  ‘I’d love some coffee,’ I said to Robert, though what I really wanted was for everyone to leave so Dom and I could be alone with Finn. ‘Just the instant stuff for me.’

  ‘I’ll go and put the kettle on,’ he said, heading for the door. ‘Elizabeth?’ He looked at his wife, who was staring at him as though he had two heads. ‘Coffee?’

  ‘No.’ The word seemed forced out of her. ‘No … thank you.’

  Robert looked momentarily puzzled. Elizabeth loved her coffee and never turned down an offer. ‘Tea?’

  ‘We should all have tea,’ she said, seeming to come back from wherever she’d been, passing around a bland smile that didn’t reach her eyes. ‘Coffee’s too stimulating at this time of night.’

  ‘Just what I need.’ Natasha rose and gently delivered Finn back to my waiting arms. ‘I didn’t stop on the drive down and would love a mug of strong black coffee. I don’t care whether it’s instant or not.’

  ‘Just as well,’ Dom said, smiling as Finn’s head dropped against my shoulder. ‘That’s all we’ve got.’

  ‘I’ll have one too, please.’ Liv glanced at me as if seeking permission. When I nodded, she smiled and said, ‘I’ll come and help.’

  As she made to follow Robert into the kitchen, Elizabeth’s hand shot out and grabbed her arm. ‘No!’

  ‘Sorry?’ Liv wrenched out of her grasp, paling as she rubbed her upper arm.

  The rest of us stared at Elizabeth. She was breathing hard. Her eyes looked baggy with panic, her mouth a frustrated twist in her scarlet face. ‘No coffee.’ She shoved a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘We should go, it’s late.’

  Suddenly, the light in the room seemed too bright, the air solid with tension. Something was pulling at the edge of my memory, but before I could bring it into focus, Liv let out a gasp.

  ‘It was you.’ Her voice was loud in the silence that had followed Elizabeth’s outburst. ‘Oh my God.’ She turned to me, her eyes brimming with horror. ‘It’s
all her fault,’ she said. ‘Sophy, don’t you get it?’

  ‘What?’ I looked at the confused expressions around me, but even as I spoke, something was taking shape in my mind. My constant sleepiness, especially after Elizabeth had been round, or when I’d visited her house; the crashing exhaustion I couldn’t fight that meant I lived in a permanent twilight world, struggling to bond with my son, to take care of him properly while Elizabeth worked on Dom, trying to persuade him I needed more help with Finn. How even my morning coffee didn’t give me the burst of adrenaline I needed. If anything, it made me feel worse. Much worse.

  ‘You drugged me.’ My voice was wondering, the words exploratory, because they couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be real. My mother-in-law couldn’t really want me sedated, in a permanent stupor, so she could get to her grandson.

  But Liv was nodding, pointing, her eyes flashing with the anger I knew I should be feeling, would be feeling, once the numbness of disbelief had worn off. ‘I knew something was off,’ she was saying. ‘I had a coffee here the other day. I don’t normally drink it and left half, but felt weird afterwards. I can hardly remember driving home and I slept like the dead that night.’ Her cheeks were flushed, eyebrows drawn down. ‘You put something in the coffee to keep Sophy asleep, didn’t you? What was it? Something you give your bloody horses when they need calming down?’

  At this, the room seemed to erupt. Robert held up his hand and told Liv to slow down, to hang on, that he had no idea what she was talking about, while Dom looked at his mother, white-faced, and said, ‘Please tell me it isn’t true,’ his voice a horrified rasp. Even as he spoke, I could see in his eyes, and Robert’s ashen face, that understanding was dawning; the terrible realisation that the mother, the wife, they loved so much and believed in was, in fact, someone they barely knew.