Stop!

by Alison G. Bailey

  As I walked onto the third floor, I spotted Chuck headed toward me.

  “Hey Chuck, is Risher in the room?”

  “Yeah, but his dad’s here.”

  “He never mentioned his dad was coming for a visit.”

  “It’s one of his infamous surprise drop-ins,” Chuck said, rolling his eyes.

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Mr. Stevenson is a big-time banker. He does a lot of business in Charlotte. Always taking trips up this way. He likes to stop by and check up on Rish, unannounced.”

  “That’s nice, I guess.”

  “Tell that to Rish. I figured it was a good time for me to get something to eat.”

  Suddenly, the dulcet tone of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot blared from Chuck’s phone. A huge smile spread across his face when he saw who the call was from.

  “Hey, Baby. Nothing, just talking to Hollis.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him, pretending to be insulted. He gave me a sheepish look.

  “Maggie says hey.”

  “Hey Maggie.”

  Chuck directed his attention back to his call. “I miss you more.” Pause. “No, I do.” Pause. “I do.”

  Not in the mood for this who misses whom more game, I gave Chuck a slight wave and walked away.

  His conversation echoed through the empty hall. “You know what else I miss? That sweet little pus…”

  And he was out the door and into the stairwell.

  Thank god.

  It occurred to me that I had never been to Risher’s room. I always looked forward to him walking me to my door and then there was the unbeatable view as he left. I thought about abandoning the mission and waiting to talk to him tonight. After all, I didn’t want to interfere on the visit with his dad. And if it were true, if I was just a means to an end for him, shouldn’t I at least have the right to determine when my heart got shattered? As I tried to make up my mind, my feet kept moving me closer to his room. Before I knew it, I was standing outside of the partially opened door. The voices coming from inside had a sharp edge to them.

  “Dad, could you get to the point? I have plans tonight.”

  “Sorry my visit is such an inconvenience. I was talking to Ed Sawyer the other day. You know his son Jack goes here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jack actually talks to his father on a regular basis.”

  The only reply was a deep sigh.

  “Ed asked Jack about some of his friends and your name came up. Jack said you’d been spending all your spare time with some girl.”

  “Yeah.” Risher’s tone was flat.

  “He also said she was… different.”

  No reply.

  “Jack told his father that the two of you don’t hang out anymore because of her. That she makes him uncomfortable.”

  No reply.

  “He said Chuck was uncomfortable around her too, but was trying to get past it for you. Needless to say, I was curious and concerned, so I got on your Facebook page. Saw a couple of pictures of her.”

  There was a long pause before Mr. Stevenson continued.

  “Look, there’s no tactful way of saying this, Son.”

  I heard another deep sigh.

  “If you want a career in banking you have to put forth your best effort. You’ll be in a lot of situations in which you’ll need to entertain influential businessmen and their wives. People have to like you, trust you, feel comfortable around you. A girlfriend, fiancée, wife that fits that criteria is a requirement. It doesn’t sound like this girl matches that. Now, I don’t know if things are serious between the two of you because you like to keep secrets. I do know she’s already alienating you from your friends.”

  “Are you done?” Finally, Risher verbally replied.

  “I am if you heard me.”

  “I heard you.”

  “Good.”

  I was numb from the inside out. The point one percent grew to two, then three, jumping to six, then ten. The sound of footsteps cut through my paralyzed state. Instinct took over, causing me to spin around and haul ass down the hall, down the stairs, and out the door. I couldn’t stop the momentum. I flew across the parking lot to my car. Shoving my hand into my pocket, I grabbed my car key, unlocked the door, and jumped in the driver’s side.

  I sped out of the parking lot and off campus with no clue as to where I was headed. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t want to think anymore. I focused on driving—the lines on the road, the traffic lights, the street signs. Anything that fought off feeling. I don’t know how long I drove before ending up at Chambers Lake. A minute after parking the car, tears and sobs consumed me. As I stared out over the lake, words and phrases seeped back into my thoughts. Then I realized, I wasn’t hurt by anything Benton, Leah, or Mr. Stevenson said. The words that broke my heart and my spirit were the ones that never came out of Risher’s mouth.

  RISHER: HOW ABOUT I pick you up at six? Get an early start on our date.

  Me: Feeling kind of sick. Raincheck?

  Risher: You ok? You seemed fine earlier.

  Me: Guess I ate a bad pancake.

  Risher: I’ll come take care of you.

  Me: No. I’m gonna go to bed and sleep it off. Talk later.

  I tossed my phone facedown onto the passenger seat. The sun dipped between the Weeping Willow trees surrounding the lake. My thoughts drifted, searching for any clue to prove without a doubt, Risher was the guy I wanted him to be. It occurred to me that other than Chuck, I had never met any of his friends. He wasn’t keeping us a secret, though. We went out in public, he held my hand, kissed me, randomly sent me sweet texts. And our first date was something for the record books. A person doesn’t put that much thought and time into planning something special for a person he’s using.

  I knew Risher was pledging a fraternity, but it wasn’t something he talked about very often. In fact, whenever I brought up the subject, he’d quickly change it. I never thought it was odd. A certain amount of secrecy surrounded Greek life. I also realized that, Benton was hurt by what I said, but deep down I had a hard time believing he’d say those things just out of spite. He knew how I felt about Risher. He definitely witnessed something in that other class. Whether it was mutual flirting between Risher and other girls or a misinterpreted polite smile, was up for debate. And then there’s Leah. She was a bitch, so anything that came out of her mouth was questionable. She was also the girl at the party Risher was hanging out with, drinking and laughing.

  I could explain away each allegation, each mean word from a mean girl, each change of subject. I could even logically understand why Risher didn’t defend me to his father. They seemed distant and it sounded as if they didn’t even like each other. But logic was useless when it came to feelings, especially ones involving the heart. I couldn’t shake the hurt and disappointment I felt standing outside of Risher’s door listening to his silence. The thoughts were pounding my brain into mush. I was physically and emotionally drained. Tilting back my head, I closed my swollen eyes and mentally went dark.

  The ringing of my phone startled me awake. It took a couple seconds for the sleep fog to lift to figure out where the hell I was. I must have been out for a while, because it was completely dark and several cars had joined me at the lake. More than likely, couples ending their date night with a make-out session. Which got me thinking about my missed date, which got me thinking about Risher, which got me thinking about how much I loved and was addicted to the way he made me feel… up until a few hours ago.

  In the blink of an eye, all the events of the day came flooding back. I reached for my phone and clicked off the ringer. I was unable to form thoughts or words at this point. Glancing at the screen, I saw a string of texts and missed calls from Risher and Maggie and one voicemail from Mom. The emptiness that settled in the pit of the stomach when you’re missing someone, burrowed itself deep inside me. I knew I was acting like a baby, but I really wanted my mom at the moment. Not to cry on her shoulder or talk about anythin
g specific. I just needed to hear her comforting tone. I wanted to snuggle into her arms and have her reassure me that everything was going to work out. I clicked the button to listen to her message.

  Hey, Sweets, Just checking in to see how you are. Hope you’re having a great weekend. Give me a call when you get a chance. I love you.

  Just when I thought I didn’t have any more tears left in me, one trickled down my cheek. All I wanted was to crawl into bed and fade back into the darkness. I returned the phone to its facedown position, not wanting to see if any new messages came in, then I started the car, and drove back to campus.

  Pulling into the parking lot, I saw Leah hanging all over some guy as they stumbled away from the dorm. I took in a deep breath and held it, bracing myself in case the guy was Risher. It wasn’t. I waited, making sure the coast was clear before sprinting to my room. I let out a sigh of relief when I walked in and found the place empty. Benton was on my list of avoidances at the moment.

  I took my makeup off and I quickly changed into a pair of sleep shorts and grabbed the T-shirt I wore last night. As I slid it over my head, the scent of Risher slapped me in the face. I was about to take it off when I heard the jiggle of the doorknob. I jumped into bed, yanking the covers over my head.

  The door clicked shut followed by muffled footsteps, the opening and closing of a drawer, and finally the squeak of Benton’s mattress.

  “The prodigal roommate is back,” he said.

  “Of course I’m back. It’s my room.”

  “Where have you been?”

  “I’m sleeping.” The sheet puffed up as I emphasized the letter P.

  “It doesn’t sound like you’re sleeping.”

  “I don’t give a fuck what it sounds like, that’s what I’m doing.” My words were fast and snappy.

  “I went looking for you.”

  “Well, you found me, Sherlock.”

  “I’m really sorry about earlier.”

  “Leave me alone.”

  “I shouldn’t have said all that shit. I was mad and hurt.”

  “What part of leave me alone don’t you understand?”

  “When you suggested I hold off on this Benton thing… it was a punch in the gut. Like the one person I thought got it… got me, was slipping away.”

  “The bullying scares me, Benton. I think it would be safer if you would hold off. It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped understanding or supporting you.”

  “I’m not very good at this friendship thing.”

  “No shit.”

  A slight chuckle escaped him.

  The room stayed silent for a long time. I thought the conversation was over, until Benton’s deep sigh filled the air.

  “Hollis, you’re the best person I’ve ever had in my life. Before we met, I knew I was lonely. But I didn’t know how lonely until you stormed out of here and I thought I’d lost my best friend.”

  “You’ll never lose my friendship.” My voice cracked on the words.

  “Well, I know that now.”

  I blew out a breath, causing the sheet to billow.

  Clearing his throat, Benton announced, “Risher came by earlier.”

  I slid the sheet down, aiming my narrowed gaze toward him. “Did you see him? Talk to him?”

  “No.”

  “How do you know it was him?”

  Tipping his chin up, he motioned toward my dresser. “When I went to find you, I found those outside the door.”

  I sat up to the sight of a yellow vase full of white daisies, a card propped against it. They were beautiful, sweet, and totally the Risher I fell in love with.

  “Um… there’s a card.” Benton pointed out.

  “I see the card.” I stared at that card. “Was he really flirting with other girls?”

  He hesitated. “There were smiles back and forth, but the guy smiles a lot, Hollis.”

  My throat tightened as what little energy I had left drained from my body.

  “Are you gonna read the card?”

  I fell back, pulling the sheet over my head. “No.”

  One of the things I liked best about Benton was he knew when to drop a subject. I was tired of having a head full of suspicions and a heart that ached with each beat. I sought distraction and comfort in the one thing that never let me down… numbers. I laid under the covers and mentally recited the top ten coolest mathematical equations.

  1. Schrödinger Equation [(-ħ/2m)Δ^2Ψ+VΨ=iħ(δΨ/δt)]

  2. Maxwell’s Equations [Δ.D=ρ, Δ.B=0, ΔxE=-δB/δt, ΔxH=J+δD/δt]

  3. Einstein’s Mass-energy Equivalence Formula [E=mc^2]

  I wonder what color eyes Einstein had? Brown, I think they were brown. When the light hit Risher’s eyes in a certain way, they looked brown… gold really. Like he had tiny flecks of gold in his green eyes.

  I abruptly shook the thought out of my head.

  4. General Relativity Formula [Gμν=8πG(Tμν+ρΛgμν)]

  5. Law of Gravitation [F=G(m1m2/d^2)]

  6. Wave Equation [δ^2u/δt^2=c^2(δ^2u/δx^2)]

  Wave… wavy… tousled soft dark hair that felt incredible around my fingers when they sunk into it.

  Suddenly, I felt like I was trapped in a hot house. Flailing my legs, I kicked off the covers and jumped out of bed.

  I felt Benton’s eyes on me as I shoved open the window. “Why is it so hot in here?”

  “Ah… the thermostat reads only sixty-eight degrees,” he said, hesitantly.

  I stomped back to my bed and flopped down. “Yeah… well, it must be broken, ‘cause it’s hot as hell in here.”

  7. Fourier Transform [f(ζ)=ʃf(x)e^(-2πixζ)δx]

  8. Euler’s Formula [e^iπ=-1]

  9. Bernoulli Equation [P1+½ρ(v1)^2+ρgh1=P2+½ρ(v2)^2+ρgh2]

  10. Riemann Zeta Function [ζ(s)=Π((p^s)/((p^s)-1))]

  Zeta function. Zeta function.

  Leah’s pledging Zeta.

  Sorority.

  Frats.

  Parties.

  Leah held Risher’s hand.

  Leah has pretty skin.

  Initiation.

  Dog date.

  Huffing out loud, I flipped onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow.

  I spent most of Sunday in bed alternating between pretending to sleep and mindlessly watching movies. I finally read Risher’s texts. They were all about missing me and hoping I felt better. I sent him a brief reply thanking him for the flowers and telling him I still wasn’t up for a visit. I also covered my bases with Maggie, telling her I had a bug and had been in bed the rest of the weekend. Benton spent most of the day in the library, giving me some alone time. And that evening on his way back from church he picked up a pizza for us to share, even though my appetite had gone missing since yesterday.

  I tossed and turned for the second night in a row, never getting comfortable, never getting any sleep, and never getting Risher out of my head for any length of time. Just when I was about to give in from pure exhaustion, a tremor rolled through my body.

  “Hollis.” The voice of Benton hovered above me as he shook my shoulder.

  I flung his arm off and rolled over facing the wall. “Leave me alone.”

  “You need to get up.”

  “I’m not going to class today,” I mumbled.

  “You have to go, we have an exam.”

  Fuck me.

  I laid there for several minutes, trying to come up with a plausible excuse that didn’t require a doctor’s note, to explain to my professor the reason for my absence. I was a good student. I never caused any trouble. Certainly, he wouldn’t mind giving me a make-up exam.

  “Hollis, you’re going to be late.”

  “I’ll take a make-up exam.”

  “Wilson doesn’t give make-up exams.”

  I turned over to find Benton sitting on his bed, tying his shoes. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Nope. He doesn’t believe in them. So, you don’t show, you get a zero.”

  “I didn’t even study,” I gr
umbled.

  “You could pass this exam with your eyes closed.”

  “With the way I’m feeling, that is a very real possibility.”

  I reluctantly crawled out of bed and shuffled toward the bathroom, grabbing my makeup bag on the way. I had only enough time for a micro-shower, which basically meant stepping under the water, twirling once, and stepping back out. I pushed the weekend events—and the fact that I’d be seeing Risher in class—out of my mind and focused on getting ready.

  I lined up my makeup items along the countertop. Raising a foundation covered finger to my left cheek, I began the transformation.

  Dab.

  Dab.

  Dab.

  Blend.

  I repeated the process over my chin, nose, forehead, right cheek, and down my neck. Looking in the mirror I noticed the glaring unevenness. I’d put too much on the left side of my face and the right cheek was blotchy.

  Dab.

  Dab.

  Blend.

  A loud knock on the door startled me.

  “Hollis, I’m heading out. Are you going to make it to class?”

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m having trouble with my makeup.”

  “Don’t bother with it today.”

  That struck me as such a foreign concept. Other than my doctors, only five people had seen me without makeup. I never even considered stepping out in public without it. I already got a fair amount of stares when I wore it.

  “I c-an’t,” I stammered.

  “Yes you can. You just don’t want to,” Benton said, followed by the click of the door as he left.

  Dab.

  Blend.

  Dab.

  I didn’t know if it was because I was so tired, but I couldn’t get the makeup to look right. I wiped the first attempt off and tried again with similar results. I needed more time to fix this. My muscles tensed as I made a third attempt at getting that natural look. Tears of frustration stung my eyes. My breathing sped up. I could feel my pulse pounding. I was getting hot in the small bathroom, which made the makeup too soft and slimy. The only way I was going to make it to class in time was if I forgot about the makeup today. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t go out naked.