The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3)

by Victoria Quinn

  I chose to live in the moment—and appreciate it to the fullest.

  She finished her food and stared at me. “Can I ask you something?”

  “You can ask me anything, baby.” I had nothing to hide—not from her. She was the one person in the world I could be completely myself with. She accepted me in the same package I came in. I could handle anything she wanted to share.

  She glanced at her empty plate for a moment before she looked at me again. “Do you…ever think about having more children?”

  I stared at her blankly because it took me some time to process what she’d asked. It was a heavy question. It was a question I didn’t really want to address. “No.”

  She was quiet for a while. “You don’t want to have children? Or you don’t think about it?”

  “The second one.” She’d told me she wanted to have kids with me, someday. So, I knew it would be an unavoidable subject. Children were integral to any long-term relationship, but I’d never considered it because I’d never intended to be in a long-term relationship again. But then Cleo came along, and everything got complicated.

  “I’m making you uncomfortable.” She turned her gaze to the fire. “Forget I mentioned it.”

  She gave me a way out, an escape route. I could just be quiet and let the subject disappear. But it felt wrong to reject the topic when she obviously wanted to have the conversation. When I’d asked her to be with me, I’d told her I would give my all, that I wouldn’t let the past affect what we had. She was such an amazing person, made me so fucking happy, and rejecting her was contradictory to what I’d offered her. I never wanted to give her a reason to leave because I learned my lesson. Couldn’t let the past repeat itself and go through that hell again. “Honestly, I’ve never really thought about it.”

  She turned back to me, her eyes serious, as if she hadn’t expected me to respond.

  “I don’t really think about the future. It makes me feel overwhelmed.”

  She propped her knuckles under her chin and listened.

  “I know I’ve accomplished great things for my age, things I’m proud of. I don’t take that for granted. But my mind is in a human body, so I’m subjected to a very short timeline of life. I have so many tasks to complete and not enough time…so it overwhelms me.”

  She nodded. “I read an article that said thinking about the future only creates anxiety and depression.”

  I appreciated the fact that she listened and accepted everything I said. Not once had she ever tried to argue with me, tried to make me feel differently about my emotions and opinions. It was something I treasured about her. I never felt judged or vilified.

  “Things are meant to happen when they’re meant to happen. If you think about it too hard, especially when your plans won’t work out the way you want anyway, there’s just no point. I think you’ve accomplished a lifetime of work already, and instead of stressing about the things you need to do, you should just relish your success every single day. Because you’ve already given so much, Deacon.”

  I stared at her, my heart beating slow and steady, finding that peaceful rhythm.

  “You’ve been working at a million miles per hour since you were a child. Graduating college years early, becoming the youngest person to win a Nobel Prize in science… It’s incredible. You deserve to live your life the way you want…and slow down a bit.”

  I felt like I had slowed down—to be with her. Normally, I’d be working this weekend, but I chose to leave my work behind and spend time with her. And it made me happy, very happy.

  “When I asked about you having children… You’re so good with Derek, I just assumed your answer would be yes.”

  “I never thought I would have children, but having Derek completes my biological purpose, to keep my genes in the gene pool. So, no, I’ve never really considered more.” Derek fulfilled me, gave me everything I needed.

  She nodded.

  I stared at her, waiting for more to follow.

  But it never did. She turned back to the fire.

  “Do you want to have children?” This conversation was one-sided, and that felt wrong. By staying quiet, I was being selfish, avoiding a conversation I didn’t want to have.

  She turned back to me. “When I was married, we wanted to have a family. But after I got divorced, I kinda took it off the table. I was so burned that I stopped thinking about the future altogether. My trust was shattered, so I didn’t think I’d even find a guy I could be serious with, let alone have a family with. And my job is so hectic, hours all over the place, that I would need a husband who could support me enough to go part time, which is hard to do in a city as expensive as Manhattan.”

  I could support any life she wanted to have—obviously.

  She stared at me for a long time, her knuckles still under her chin. “In general, having children is unclear. I could, but I also couldn’t. But with you…” She took a deep breath, uncomfortable saying this to me. “Yeah, I’d like to.”

  I held her gaze, listening to the fire crackle in the fireplace, listening to the wildlife around us. “You think about that stuff?”

  She nodded. “I want to lie and say I don’t, but I do.”

  I sat there in silence.

  “It’s no pressure, Deacon. I’m really happy with what we have. I’m not in a hurry for anything to change. What we have is really special. I want to stay this way forever.”

  I nodded. “I don’t want anything to change either.” I opened my heart to her completely, but I wasn’t ready to get remarried, to make that kind of commitment. It had nothing to do with her, just the institution. It would take me time to feel differently about all that stuff. I had to appreciate her honesty, the fearless way she showed me how she felt about me, especially since she could appreciate my hesitance. She didn’t give me an ultimatum. She didn’t tell me I had to have kids with her if I wanted to be with her forever. She left the future as a blank page.

  She turned back to the fire, the light giving her face a lovely glow.

  And I watched her, entranced by her beauty, thankful she was there with me.

  Thankful she was mine.

  Three

  Cleo

  When Valerie’s belongings arrived in the shipment, I had Matt put everything in her residence.

  She was still missing a few pieces of furniture, so I had my designer complete the rest of it, knowing what kind of taste Valerie had after being inside her LA home a few times. I also decorated Derek’s room, making it warm for his arrival.

  The day we’d been dreading and yearning for arrived.

  Valerie’s car pulled up.

  Deacon was there too, eager to see Derek the second he was in the city.

  It was hard to stand apart from him, to keep my hands together at my waist when his arm should have been around my torso. It was a persona I was tired of putting on, behaving like his assistant when I’d told him I wanted to have his kids.

  It was such an embarrassing thing to say, but he didn’t freak out like most men would.

  It was a testament to his feelings for me, as well as his magnitude as a man.

  The door opened, and a long leg appeared in a high heel. She stepped out, dressed in a short dress and jewelry, like she hadn’t just taken a plane across the country. She gave Derek a hand so he could get to his feet with his backpack on.

  Derek turned to Deacon and ran into his arms. “Dad!”

  Deacon kneeled and caught him, squeezing him off the floor in a bear hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me too.”

  I watched him, my eyes soft. One of the biggest reasons I thought about having a family with Deacon was because of my relationship with Derek, the boy who made me want to be a mom. And having a son who would look just like his father made me want it even more.

  Derek moved to me next, running into my waist. “Hey, Cleo.”

  “Hey, Derek.” I kneeled and hugged him. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.” He pul
led away. “Dad said we could go to the cabin every weekend.”

  I smiled. “That sounds nice.”

  Valerie walked up to Deacon, arching her back and practically strutting.

  His smile was immediately gone. “How was the flight?”

  She shrugged. “Uneventful.”

  “Well, welcome to New York.” It was obvious he had to force himself to be polite, to initiate a conversation he didn’t want to have.

  “Thanks.” She turned to me, watching Derek and me interact.

  I straightened and walked over to her. “I’m excited to show you your residence. It’s lovely. Great view.”

  “What floor is it?” she asked.

  “Forty-four.” A bit higher than Deacon’s.

  She nodded.

  Matt got all the luggage out of the back and packed it onto the cart.

  “Follow me.” I took the lead to the elevator and let them go in first.

  Derek talked Deacon’s ear off. “Mom says I’m starting school soon.”

  “Yes,” Deacon answered. “Best school in the country.”

  “Are the kids nice?” he asked.

  “They’ll be nice to you.” Deacon rubbed his head. “Because everyone loves you.”

  We rode the elevator to her floor, and I unlocked the door for her. “Here you are.” It was decorated, stocked with groceries, and had vases of flowers everywhere. I wasn’t sure why I expected her to be impressed, to show some kindness, because she looked around with a bored expression—like she couldn’t care less. She threw her purse on the couch then looked out the window to the view, which faced in the opposite direction of Deacon’s.

  “Wow, this place is cool.” Derek dropped his backpack by the door and moved down the hallway. “Which room is mine?”

  “I’ll show you.” I took him into one of the bedrooms, which had a space theme like his bedroom at Deacon’s.

  “Whoa…” He looked around, impressed even though he already had a bedroom like it. “The bed looks like a spaceship.” He rolled on top and started to bounce.

  “Derek.” Deacon grabbed his shoulder and steadied him. “No jumping on the bed.”

  “Come on, why?” he whined.

  “Because I said so.” He pushed him down until he sat at the edge of the bed. Then he looked around. “It’s really nice, baby.”

  My eyes widened.

  Deacon realized his mistake and glanced at the door, but thankfully, Valerie wasn’t there.

  Derek didn’t seem to notice either. “When are we going to the cabin?”

  “Maybe next weekend,” Deacon said. “But there’re lots of other things to do in the city.”

  “It’s so big,” Derek said. “I’m not sure how I’ll know where everything is…”

  “You’ll pick up on it.” Deacon sat beside him and placed his hand on his shoulder, rubbing him gently while he stared at him fondly, like Derek was his entire world. It was the way he looked at me—just a little different. “Your mom just had a long flight. Maybe give her some space for the rest of the night.”

  “Can I come to your place?” Derek asked.

  Deacon sighed like he wished he could say yes. “You should stay with your mother for a bit.”

  Derek sighed in disappointment.

  “But we’ll see each other all the time. Just be patient.”

  He kicked his feet over the edge of the bed as he looked around his room.

  I wanted to stay, like I was a part of this family, but I remembered I was working…and didn’t belong there. “I’ll let you guys get situated.”

  Deacon immediately rose to his feet to hug me goodbye or walk me to the door, but when he remembered he couldn’t, he lowered himself back to the edge of the bed. “I’ll see you later.”

  I smiled. “Bye.”

  “Bye, Cleo.” Derek waved.

  “Bye, Derek.” I walked down the hallway and returned to the front door. “Let me know if you need anything, Valerie.”

  She turned away from the window and stared at me, one hand on her hip. “There’s a yoga studio across the street. I want a membership and a schedule printed out.”

  She couldn’t just look it up on her phone? “Sure. Anything else?”

  “Derek needs all his school supplies. The website has a list of the items.” She hardly looked at me as she spoke, admiring her perfect figure in a nearby mirror.

  “Of course.”

  “And he has a parent-teacher meeting before the school year begins. You’ll handle it, I presume?”

  Because she was too busy? “Sure…but couldn’t Deacon take care of it?”

  “He’s at the office during the day.”

  “Well, I’m sure he would take the day off for it—”

  “You don’t know Deacon the way I do.”

  Uh, bitch, I knew him better.

  “His work is too important.”

  Even if that were true, she wanted me, an assistant, to take her son to his first parent-teacher meeting? This was his first introduction to school because he was growing up, and that meant nothing to her? Sometimes I wondered if she did love Derek, or if she was still using him as a pawn in a very disgusting game. “I’ll handle it, Valerie.”

  I sat at my desk, my hand deep inside a bag of popcorn, and I shoved pieces into my mouth as I looked over the schedule for the next week. We were busy, having events to handle most days and most nights. I had to move some things around to accommodate Derek’s meeting with his teacher.

  Deacon texted me. Bring my mail up.

  I already did.

  Then bring a package or something.

  You don’t have any, Deacon.

  Then just get your ass up here.

  I smiled, knowing he had no reason at all to beckon me. I need thirty minutes to finish up.

  I’ll have dinner ready.

  What’s on the menu? I had a feeling it was fish.

  Asparagus and mushroom ravioli in a white sauce.

  My eyes almost rolled out of my head because my sockets were so big. What???

  Maybe that will get you to hurry up.

  That was exactly what I did. I rushed through everything so I could get into the elevator and rise to his floor. But the food wasn’t the only thing that enticed me. It was the man who drew me…and the curiosity.

  I knocked before I stepped inside.

  “Perfect timing.” He set the plates on the table, where there was already a bottle of wine and two glasses.

  I smelled the air, recognizing that pasta smell. “Wow, this is real.” I moved to the table and watched him step toward me, in just his sweatpants, that rock-hard chest bare. My arms circled his tight waist, and I kissed him, my nails lightly digging into his flesh, feeling the muscles of his flank.

  He rubbed his nose against mine before he pulled away and presented my chair.

  I took my seat and watched him take the spot at the head of the table.

  There was a spring greens salad as well. I grabbed my fork and started to eat. “Wow, this is good…”

  “I put it on the grocery list.”

  “I didn’t even notice.”

  “Looks like someone else does my shopping, then.”

  “Honestly, I’m usually too busy with other stuff.” I kept eating, loving every single bite. “Damn, this is bomb.”

  “Bomb?” he asked.

  “You know, awesome.”

  He shook his head and stabbed his fork into the lettuce. “Weirdest slang I’ve ever heard…”

  I chuckled. “So, what brought this on? This is not your usual preference—even if it doesn’t have cheese.”

  “I noticed you always have something for me to eat at your apartment, so I thought I would try to have things you’ll enjoy as well….

  It was thoughtful—and observant. “I love your cooking, Deacon.”

  “Yeah, but I know it’s repetitive.”

  “Well, it’s a nice break from my burritos.”

  “I’ll never serve you that,” he
said with a light chuckle. “Not my style.”

  “That’s why you’re so hot, so I don’t care.”

  He smiled slightly and kept eating.

  “So, how’s it going?” I’d been busy for the last few days, so we hadn’t seen each other.

  He shrugged. “Fine.”

  “Have you seen Derek much?”

  “No, actually. I don’t want to push it.”

  “Yeah. That means you haven’t seen her either?”

  He shook his head. “Which is fine by me.” He finished his salad and moved on to his ravioli.

  I’d wondered if she would talk to Deacon about Derek’s school supplies and meeting. I hadn’t said anything because I’d wanted to give it a chance to happen on its own. But obviously, she’d already forgotten about it. I didn’t want to make Deacon pissed off at his ex. Didn’t want us to spend our time talking about her at all. So, I phrased it carefully. “You know, Derek has a parent-teacher meeting this week. I guess it’s just a preliminary meeting, for them to get to know Derek, for him ask any questions he might have, gauge what he’s interested in…stuff like that.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, clearly having no idea.

  “It’s on Thursday at one. You think you could make it?”

  “Yes.” He answered right away, not thinking about work at all, not giving a damn about it. “I’d love to.”

  I’d never had any doubt what his response would be. “Great. Mind if I come along?”

  “I’d love that. But I’m not sure how Valerie will feel about it.”

  “She won’t be there, so it won’t be a problem.”

  “She won’t?” he asked in surprise. “Why?”

  If I told him she just didn’t give a damn, it would piss him off, so I was vague. “I think she said she had something to do…”

  He looked skeptical, because he knew Valerie didn’t work or have any friends. She could be seeing someone, but that would have happened really quickly. But he didn’t dwell on it.