Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  "Then what, me and Mike? Has he said something—"

  "No, of course not, we get along great. Best friends."

  "The other night, then. The nookie on the couch. But we were just—-"

  "Doing what any other normal young red-blooded couple in love should be doing, could be doing if they lived on their own and didn't have their house guest come barging in just before they got to the main course."

  "Well, sometimes two appetizers are just as good if not better than an entire entrée."

  They both giggled.

  "I wouldn't know. My life with Luke was more like a state of wartime rationing."

  Maeve sobered at once and shook her head. "I'm so sorry. That's so unfair."

  She nodded. "I know, which is why I want to find something more, before I starve to death."

  She took the largest cream slice from the plate and took a vast bite.

  "Whoa, girl, there's also a case of too much of a good thing," Maeve cautioned.

  "I'll settle for any good thing at this point!"

  They both giggled again.

  "But seriously, we both know why I really have to move on, spread my wings. Margaret and Luke were a terrible part of a past life. If I don't put it behind me now, I'll just keep getting trapped in this endless cycle of suffering, second guessing myself, always feeling like I would never measure up to Margaret. As a woman, and now, as a nurse working in the same hospital, the same department. It just wouldn't work, and we both know it. And I don't want to try. I would rather spend my energy on something positive than wasting it on trying to keep things the same in my life because of fear."

  Her sister rolled her eyes. "Fear? You're the bravest person I've ever met."

  "Hah. I feel like a coward who's done nothing but run from life." She shook her head. "But not any more. I think I'm finally ready to try striking out on my own. I want a whole new future than the one that will be mapped out for me by everyone else except me if I choose to stay. I'll just have to get used to being on my own. Ultimately every one is. Leaving Castlemaine might be the best way to bury the past forever, and start afresh."

  "God, Sinead, I had no idea you were that lonely. I feel so lucky, and so selfish," Maeve sniffed.

  Sinead took her sister's hand. "There's no need to feel like that. You gave me everything when I needed it most. I can now try to pay you back by letting you and Mike get on with your own lives."

  "I understand why you feel the way you do, Sis, but please, don't do anything hasty. I'll accept your decision, whatever it is, but there's no need to overreact to that horrible woman. Besides, she may not even have the job."

  Sinead nodded. "True enough. I promise I'll wait and see. In the meantime, don't worry."

  The waiter refilled their cups, and Sinead willed her hands to remain steady as she drank. She forced herself to eat the rest of the cake she had bitten into with bravado, knowing her sister was staring at her for some sign of upset.

  "There's one other thing you haven't told me, though I think I've pretty much guessed already," Maeve said, placing her hand firmly over her sister's.

  Sinead stared. "What's that, then?"

  "How do you really feel about Austin Riordan?"

  Sinead bowed her head in misery.

  Maeve squeezed her hand. "It sure is a mess, Sinead, isn't it?"

  "I love him, Maeve," she confessed in a ragged whisper. "I love him so much it hurts. What am I going to do?"

  "Make him love you back?"

  "It's not that simple," Sinead sighed, the tears welling up in her eyes.

  "Why not? Because of Margaret? You fought for Luke last year. If you'll forgive my saying so, he wasn't worth a damn. You'd have been better off if you'd not bothered, and let her have him."

  "Maeve!" Sinead gasped, shocked and angry.

  "Look, Sinead, I don't mean to hurt you, but you have to admit there's some truth in what I'm saying. Luke and Margaret deserved each other. You have only to look at her to see that she was the type of woman he'd always surrounded himself with. You were the convenient prop, undemanding, always there to pick up the pieces. I may not know Austin Riordan very well, but I'd venture to guess that he wouldn't use you and then discard you the way Luke tried to do. I'd also say that he deserves better than her. And you deserve better than being alone and miserable because you've let him get away."

  Sinead laughed out loud at Maeve's ridiculous suggestion. Austin had had every opportunity to make love to her, and he'd turned her down flat. Discard her? He'd done that last night, obviously finding dull the lack of challenge to his seductive techniques. So much for luring him away from Margaret!

  "No, it won't work," Sinead said, and stood up, signaling to the waiter for the bill, then digging into her purse for the money to pay. "It's impossible."

  "Nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it."

  "Forget it, Maeve," Sinead insisted. "Keep it," she said to the waiter, waving away her change.

  She stalked out of the bistro, continuing on to the car park so rapidly that Maeve had to scurry to catch up to her.

  "Right, Sinead, I'll drop the subject," she puffed, holding her rounded belly. "It's your life. You can carry on messing it up if you want to, but if you let someone as amazing as Austin go without a fight you're crazy. You might even end up regretting it for the rest of your life."

  "What's worse, sis, regretting being without them for the rest of my life, or having been with them?"

  Maeve shrugged. "Good point. I'll butt out. But like I said, from the little I've seen and heard, and the fact that you've fallen hard for him, I'd say he's worth fighting for. And any guy who gets to know you, the real you, not just what their ego creates, will know you're a keeper as well."

  Sinead ground her gears by way of reply, then braked hard and ground to a halt in the supermarket car park. "Well, maybe when I know who the real me is, some lucky guy will get that chance. I appreciate your love and support, but like I said, I'm not running away from anything. And no, I won't do anything hasty. But I think I have enough to deal with working for Austin in the next few days, without thinking of starting anything personal between us. Besides, it could be looked upon as totally unprofessional and unethical. And I don't want him to make something out of our proximity just because he's feeling vulnerable at the moment. If he hadn't collapsed at the traffic light, I doubt the high and mighty architect Austin Riordan would ever have given me the time of day."

  "Don't sell yourself short."

  Sinead laughed. "I'm just being realistic. He can have any woman he wants. Why go after a damaged one like me?"

  "Stop that right now. You are gorgeous, and yes, you've taken a few hard knocks. But he's not perfect either, now is he?"

  "No, and not available either. He's got Margaret. End of story."

  "Couples break up all the time-—"

  "All the more reason to steer clear of a playboy, then," Sinead rapped back, before gathering her purse.

  "He didn't get that vibe from him at all," Maeve protested, opening her door to heave herself out of the car.

  "You should have let me help you," Sinead said with a shake of her head.

  "I'm fine."

  "Look, let's not quarrel over Margaret and Austin, of all people. I'm just his nurse, end of story. It isn't his fault if I've allowed myself to get all silly over him. He's just, well, so different from Luke. I would be an idiot if I didn't admire him, like every other woman under the age of one hundred."

  Maeve giggled. "There sure is a lot to admire. And I'm not just talking about his car, and how kind he was to let you drive it, the cradle and everything else. Like I said, Sis, if you write off any chance with him because of stiff-necked pride or so-called professionalism, which is just you feeling scared and out of your depth, you could regret it forever."

  Sinead grabbed a trolley, and wordlessly headed into the store and up the first aisle. She tried to tell herself that her sister was being an incurable romantic, but Maeve's words ra
ng in her ears as she went around the supermarket and haunted her all the way back to their house.

  Sinead turned them around and around in her mind continually until she thought she would go mad. Regret? She's had nothing but for so long now, it had become her constant companion. That is, until Austin had come into her life, and made her feel something far more compelling. The question was, were her feelings real? And if they were, could an amazing man like Austin ever return them?

  Chapter Twenty

  Once Sinead helped her sister put all the food away, she sought the privacy of her own room to sort out her tumultuous feelings for Austin while Maeve put her feet up downstairs. As she absentmindedly searched for her checkbook, she felt completely confused.

  How could Austin care about her? It was just a silly flirtation. How could she possibly make him fall in love with her, as Maeve had encouraged, when Margaret was lurking in the background?

  Sinead toyed briefly with the idea of not returning with Austin to his house at four o'clock, but then realised that it would not only cause a fuss, and set her back financially, but she really didn't want to leave him. She reluctantly admitted to herself that she was actually looking forward to getting back to the big house, and pottering around the kitchen, sleeping in her four-poster bed and enjoying the absolute silence of the forest. She could enjoy horse riding, swimming, driving, watching TV, maybe even making love, with the most interesting, decent, exciting man she'd ever met in her life. Even if she had to pay for it with heartache after, wasn't it worth it for the sake of possessing her heart's desire, however briefly?

  Sinead then wondered if Austin might not take her back with him after all. She was sure Margaret wouldn't let the meeting between them today, and the fact that they were living under the same roof, go without a challenge.

  As Sinead stuffed her dirty clothes in the hamper and put a few more things in her overnight bag, she heard the bell ring. Her heart leapt with joy at the thought of seeing Austin again.

  But perhaps that was the problem. What about the old advice regarding playing hard to get? Perhaps if she were more firm in her refusals, he might come around?

  Sinead resolved to try it, on the basis that she couldn't do much worse with him than she already had. She sat on the edge of her bed, determined not to run to greet him.

  Then Sinead remembered the complicated situation with him thinking Mike was her live-in boyfriend, rather than Maeve's husband, so she hastened down the stairs after all.

  Maeve had already opened the door to him, but stepped out of the way with a knowing look.

  "Hi, how are you?"

  Austin nodded at her by way of greeting. "Did you have a good day and get all your chores done?"

  "Come in for a moment. Yes, super, thanks. You?" She shut the door.

  He smiled. "Fine."

  They stood in the hall and stared at each other silently for a time.

  She waited for Austin to say that they were not going back together, but much to her relief, he asked, "Are you all set to go?"

  "Yes, thanks. I just need to get a couple of more things together. Come into the living room by the fire."

  "Thanks. A bit brisk today, eh?"

  Sinead nodded. Oh Lord, they were now so awkward around each other they were talking about the weather? "I'll just be a minute."

  "Take your time."

  She hurried upstairs, grabbed all the items she had put on the bed to take with her, then scanned the room a final time. She shouldered her bag and purse, then got back downstairs just in time to hear Maeve asking if Austin wanted to stay for dinner.

  "Thanks, that's really kind. But I have to ask my nurse," he said, smiling as Sinead walked in. "She's the boss now."

  "How did your day go? Did you eat on time, and stay away from the cigarettes?"

  "Yes, Ma'am," he said, saluting.

  "It's not a joke—"

  "I know, I'm sorry. I've done everything you told me. I've got too much to live for. I'm not going to let diabetes take charge of my life."

  "Good. That's the spirit."

  "So, is he allowed to stay?"

  "Normally, yes, Maeve," Sinead said with a warning look at her sister, "but you and your husband need a bit of privacy before the baby comes, and Austin and I have a long drive ahead of us. I hear they're predicting flurries tonight too. So thanks very much, but we'll have to pass this time."

  Maeve merely smiled and nodded, accepting her excuse without pressing.

  "Yes, thanks very much for the offer. Another time. And I'll look forward to meeting your husband next time."

  "That will be great," Maeve said.

  Sinead heaved a sigh of relief.

  "Bye for now." Sinead kissed her sister. "Take care, and ring if you need anything."

  "I will. Drive carefully."

  Austin slipped the bag from Sinead's shoulder before she could protest that she didn't need any help and went down to the Jaguar, seeming very lively and cheerful as he gave a last wave to her sister.

  Maeve kissed her warmly, "Good luck, Sinead."

  "I'll ring."

  "Don't forget your post!" Maeve said, handing her a pile of letters.

  "Thanks! See you," she called, then headed down the stairs and got in the car.

  Then she and Austin headed off back to the forest. Austin was in a wonderful mood and sang along to the radio for a few minutes, until Sinead could not resist the temptation to ask him rather acidly, "Good day?"

  "The best!"

  "Well, you certainly seemed to be enjoying yourself when Maeve and I bumped into you before. Enough to have forgot all about your shot. It's just about time for one now. Pull over at that lay-by, and let take care of it."

  "Thanks." The reminder sobered him, but only for a moment. She waited until he had stopped the car and then took care of her duties.

  "I'm sorry, I should have taken care of this back at the house."

  "No problem," he said, adjusting his clothes for a moment, before starting the car once more. "This is the scheduled time."

  Once on the road, he continued his buoyant performance, as if the injection hadn't bothered him in the least.

  "Care to share the good news?" she asked after a few more minutes of his cheerful and very pleasant baritone.

  "Everything's falling into place for me concerning my future. When we get back home, we'll pop the cork!" Austin said.

  "Fallen into place?" she asked numbly.

  "It's a surprise. You'll just have to wait. So, what's on TV tonight? I got the paper, and there's a light just above the door there."

  "Austin, don't keep me in suspense," she protested, trying to subdue her somersaulting stomach. "What's happened?"

  "Patience, little one. Now I'm sure there's a Hitchcock season starting on one of the channels. See if you can find it, for us, there's my girl." He flashed her a dazzling smile, and resumed his humming.

  He's proposed to her, Sinead thought bleakly. She wished she could curl up and sleep forever. She huddled into her coat in the seat and scanned the paper despite the tears blurring her eyes.

  "I've found it. Channel 82."

  "Great, thanks. The news is good, but need to apologise to you in advance."

  "Apologise?"

  "I know this is supposed to be your vacation, and I do really need you to help me. I did really want to take it easy. But the truth is, I'm afraid I'm going really busy for the next couple of days with work."

  Her eyes widened. "Austin, you've just been through a health scare that could have turned out much worse and—"

  "I know, I know, which is why I need you to keep me on schedule and healthy. Believe me, if this could wait, I would let it. What I'm really trying to say is, I had hoped we could relax a bit more together. I don't want you to feel lonely or bored out here in the country."

  "I love the country. And there's plenty to do in the area if I ever got bored. Seskin has just about everything I could ever want. But if you really have to work, well, fine. Mayb
e I should just go back—"

  He shook his head. "I told you, I need you here with me, keeping me on track as only you can. This is all still so new to me. If this project weren't so important, I would say the hell with it, but—"

  "Nothing is more important than your health."

  He nodded. "Exactly, which is why I want you to stay and do whatever you can to make this as much of a vacation for yourself as possible."