Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  "All right, if you're sure you want me—"

  "I am sure. I do want you. But it might not be the totally restful vacation you have in mind."

  "I didn't think it would be. But I have the feeling you're trying to tell me something?" she said, glancing up from her lap to look at him fully when she detected his mischievous tone.

  "I've invited my family down for an official house-warming this weekend. If you don't mind, I'd love for you to do the food and be the hostess."

  "Austin, you must be mad! I can do the basics, but your sister is a caterer. She'll laugh herself silly."

  "I refuse to take no for an answer. But I'll get in some help from the village if you like. Jim's daughters would be willing to help with the heavy jobs. You've got two days to plan it all out and they'll stay until Sunday evening."

  "Breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of them for two days?" she asked incredulously.

  "No problem. I'm sure the girls will be useful with the housework, so all you have to do is supervise, plan the menus and pick the food."

  "And cook and serve it! And leap tall buildings in a single bound!"

  He merely laughed.

  Sinead saw that further protest on her part was useless. Secretly she was rather flattered that he had so much confidence in her. If only she had it in herself.

  There was another cause for worry as well. She rather dreaded meeting his family. They all sounded so incredibly successful. Sinead knew that they couldn't be huge snobs after what Austin had already told her about his childhood, but then she recalled resentfully that they weren't coming to meet her, but Margaret. No doubt for a huge engagement party, she thought, feeling the weight of defeat and loss crushing her chest.

  "Is there, er, anyone else coming?" she inquired, trying not to sound miserable, but failing utterly.

  "Maybe one or two old friends," Austin answered, before he began to whistle. "And of course, I'll pay you extra for all your housekeeping help, though I'd feel better about that if I thought you'd buy yourself something instead of giving everything to Maeve."

  Sinead shrugged, not realising it was a compliment rather than a criticism. "I have pretty much everything I need," she said, and turned her head to peer out of the window into the black night.

  "Need is one thing, desire is another. Do you have everything your heart desires?" Austin whispered softly.

  She glared at him. "Does anyone? And besides, if I didn't, may I point out that there are an awful lot of things that money can't buy."

  Austin laughed. "You're a wonderful idealist." But his eyes looked serious as he took a brief glimpse at her face before turning his attention back to the road.

  Once they had parked the car in the garage and got into the house, Sinead washed her hands and started dinner immediately, while Austin lit the fires and then went over to the pool house to begin the long process of filling and treating it.

  While he was gone, she took the opportunity to look at a few of the cookbooks Austin had. Soon she began sketching out a plan of attack. The food would be simple but fresh and if the Riordans were even the least bit like Austin, she thought it would prove to be a fun if frenetic weekend after all.

  Austin looked over her plans approvingly when he came in and showed her where everything was kept in the dining room. Sinead admired his exquisite Wedgwood dinner service, Waterford crystal, and beautiful linen tablecloths and napkins.

  They spent their dinner time eating and going over all her ideas, chatting as easily as a couple who had known each other for years, Sinead noted to herself. The sexual tension she'd been feeling was still present, but now the energy was being challenged into something positive, instead of so chaotic that she felt as skittish as a kitten whenever she was near him.

  Just as well, she decided, for sitting corner to corner at the table gave them numerous opportunities to brush up against each other, elbows, knees. The contact was like a sweet torture. But at least she wasn't shivering or jumping out of her skin as she might have been a day or two ago. It was intimate, without putting her on edge, or over it.

  After they'd eaten and given Austin his injection, they went upstairs to settle the sleeping arrangements.

  "I'll move my things into here tomorrow," Sinead said, as they reached the last and smallest of the six guest bedrooms she and Austin inspected.

  "Don't be silly," Austin said somewhat harshly. "That is your room while you're under this roof. My sister Marie will just adore this one. There is a lovely view out the window and you can see the bedspread and everything are exactly in her taste."

  He indicated the William Morris decor and Sinead admitted that it did indeed seem the most sensible solution.

  They proceeded to make the beds and put towels in the rooms, and Austin made some fancy name plates for each room with some colored cards and his calligraphy pen.

  By the time they'd finished, it was ten o'clock and time for the film, The Last of the Mohicans. Austin had vetoed the Hitchcock in the end, saying he had seen it far too many times.

  "And the last thing we want tonight is ruffled feathers," he quipped.

  "Ha, ha."

  "So, here's the remote. Lady's choice tonight."

  Austin made the cocoa while Sinead curled up in front of the fire. Then they settled down in the same spots as the night before, he in the chair, she on the sofa.

  She felt quite carried away by the romance of the movie and thought of her own interludes in the forest with Austin. She was afraid he would try to touch her and her firm resolve to play hard to get would melt like the marshmallows in her hot chocolate.

  But he didn't do anything which could be considered even remotely suggestive. She reasoned away her disappointment by reminding herself that things were different now. He had proposed to Margaret, and of course he couldn't behave the way he had been in front of his family.

  She sighed dejectedly. Maeve had been right. Regret was a terrible thing.

  When the film was over, she wondered if he would be more talkative again. That they might resume the intimacy they had shared over dinner, and talk more about the arrangements for his family's visit.

  But in that she was disappointed as well, for Austin merely said, "You must be tired after all that shopping again today. Let me have my shot and then you should head straight to sleep. I'll see you some time tomorrow."

  "Fine," she said through stiff lips. She led the way into the kitchen where he lifted his shirt tail, and let her perform the task.

  "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night." He made no move to kiss her or follow her up the stairs.

  She felt as effectively dismissed as if she had been a mere servant. "Good night."

  Sinead trudged rather dejectedly to her room and tucked herself up in bed with a book, trying not to replay the romantic scene from the night before in her mind. What a contrast, she thought with a shake of her head. It had been so thrilling, so hotly passionate, their interlude in the snow. Now she lay alone, snug under the covers in front of a roaring fire, and felt chilled to the bone.

  She flicked off the light impatiently in the end, unable to concentrate on the novel, nor to sleep. She knew a rejection when she saw one, but consoled herself with the thought that she'd get even. Her sister was right. She was an amazing woman any man would be lucky to have. She certainly didn't deserve to be groped one minute, and dropped the next.

  Austin might be marrying Margaret, but it would be the biggest mistake of his life when he did. And would be even bigger if she had anything to say about it.

  Sinead gave a smug smile, and thumped the pillow to settle in for the night. He might well marry another, but he would never forget her either. She resolved that before she went back home, she was going to make such a lasting impression upon Austin that he would kick himself for having treated her so dismissively. She would make him fall at least a little bit in love with her, and then she would walk out of his life forever.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  The next tw
o days passed by in a whirl. Austin gave Sinead an envelope full of money and told her to buy whatever she wanted for the weekend festivities, including drink. There was over a thousand Euros in the envelope and Sinead resolved to keep account of it meticulously so that no one could accuse her of taking advantage of her position of trust.

  She longed to put her plan into action of getting him to fall at least a little bit in love with her, but the sad fact was there was little chance, for she saw virtually nothing of Austin. He was locked in the study day and night. Occasionally she heard cars pull up along the drive and Austin would go out to greet the new arrivals. They all seemed to be businessmen, but since she was never introduced to any of them, she had no way of telling.

  A couple of times she ventured to bring in some coffee and cakes, first ensuring that she looked crisp and neat in her uniform. She hoped with an apron over it that she looked like more of a maid than a nurse. She didn't want Austin's associates thinking she was living with him. Nor did she want them to think he was some sort of invalid.

  Austin would thank her for her thoughtfulness, but then she would be got out of the way rather quickly. She wondered dozens of times what he was up to, but she got no clues, and in the end she gave up. After all, he was so aloof with her now, it seemed he had taken her at her word and left her to her own world.

  Gone was the intimacy they had shared for two brief days. Now he never came into the kitchen when she was cooking. Sinead would tap on the library door to remind him that he needed his injection on schedule and leave a plate in the oven. Most of the time she found it had been eaten.

  Sinead tried to amuse herself while Austin was working so hard, but the truth was she felt lonely. Lonely without him. How very strange, she thought, when she had only just met him.

  She talked to Maeve on the phone a few times and drove into Castlemaine for a brief visit to pick up some special items for the house party to add to her meager wardrobe and help make Austin sit up and take notice of her, but there was no real news from her sister or Mike.

  The weather continued cold and she enjoyed the luxury of relaxing in front of an open fire reading and looking through cookbooks. But she longed to be out and about with people. The days had certainly never dragged at the hospital. Certainly the time never dragged when she was with Austin.

  She drove to Seskin several times for some fresh food and just to get out of the house. She even went riding on the Thursday afternoon to make the most of the fine winter weather.

  Jim praised her and told her she was becoming quite a confident rider. But all the fun seemed to have gone out of it without Austin there. She wondered how she would feel once she returned to Castlemaine and her normal life. Then she would be completely alone again, immersed in her rather dull routine of work by day and then just heading home to a hot meal, bath, and good book by night.

  Sinead tried to keep cheerful and grew more and more confident as all her preparations fell into place. She made lots of different salads and side dishes and sweets which she could prepare in advance and which Austin could eat. She also investigated the wine in the pantry in order to ensure that everything was perfect.

  She checked all the bedrooms and bathrooms for fine soaps, shampoos and fragrant potpourri. On the Friday she drove into town early to get some last minute items and lots of fresh flowers for the rooms. She wondered about how many vases Austin owned. Most of them were in her room anyway. In the end she decided to have the flower arrangements specially done for each bedroom, including Austin's, and for the living room and dining room. She spent ages picking out the flowers for the dining room centerpiece. She wanted Austin to think she was the perfect hostess.

  Glancing at her watch, Sinead realised suddenly that time had flown by and she was already late for lunch and Austin's injection. She hastily loaded all the flowers into the car and sped back to the house.

  "Austin, Austin! Are you all right?" Sinead called.

  He emerged from the kitchen looking disheveled.

  One glance told her that she was too late. He had gone out of balance, and flailed his arms wildly. "Where have you been? I tried to do it myself, but..."

  Damn, she thought, this was going to be difficult. "Now, Austin, come back into the kitchen, and we'll try again. I'm sorry I'm late. I got held up."

  She tried to make her voice sound reassuring, but deep inside she was frightened that she wouldn't be able to control him.

  Austin irritably pushed her aside and retreated to his study. Sinead was soon on his trail, needle in hand. She didn't bother to knock, but barged straight in, and grabbed Austin by the arm. He struggled away, but she persisted. Because his blood sugar level was out of balance, he had no idea of his own strength. When she tried again, he pushed her out of the way. She went flying across the room and landed against the wall with a thud.

  Sinead felt slightly winded, but at least she hadn't broken the needle. It would have wasted valuable time if she'd had to make up another one.

  "Now Austin, this is silly. Just let me give you this injection and then I'll go away and let you get on with your work."

  This time Austin tried to push past her to leave the room. Sinead was terrified that he might go out of the house and into the woods. She couldn't risk it because of his condition or the freezing cold weather outside.

  Sinead decided she'd have to be cruel to be kind. She stuck her leg out and tripped him. As he landed on the ground she jumped on his back, and stabbed the needle right through his clothes into his buttock. He let out an enraged growl, and bucked under her like a bronco.

  He'll have one hell of a bruise tomorrow, she thought grimly. She just managed to ram the plunger down fully before he rolled over and threw her off him onto the floor and began to grab hold of her.

  "Austin, I'm sorry, it was the only way. You'll settle down again in a minute."

  He shook her by the shoulders angrily.

  She tried to twist out of his grasp, only to be forced back down onto the floor. Her head lolled off the rug and onto the hardwood floor.

  "Ow. Austin, let me go!" Sinead demanded, suddenly afraid of the look in his eyes. "Calm down, just relax!"

  She tried to wriggle free, but he was just too large for her. Her breath came in gasps at the nearness of him. Her body came alive at the touch of his hands even though she knew he couldn't possibly have any romantic intentions on his mind.

  "Austin! Let me go!" she insisted more sharply.

  To her relief, he stopped shaking her, and began to look at her with a frown of confusion. Austin still held her arms, and his weight felt as if it would crush her legs, but he seemed genuinely puzzled as to how they had got in that position.

  For a moment Sinead dreaded that he was going to kiss her. And then she found herself longing for him to, leaning into him with the most aching expectancy.

  Austin shook his head again and began to ease himself off her. He stood and turned his back to her and she wondered how he was going to react to his dawning realisation of his recent violence towards her. It was unfortunate, but it did happen as part of his going out of balance with his diabetes and becoming hypoglycemic. He couldn't blame himself any more than she could.

  "It's all right, Austin. Come on, I'll give you some Coke and you'll be fine. You're having the symptoms of neurologic hypoglycemia, which if left untreated can be really dangerous. We need to get you to eat something."

  Austin turned to where she sat rubbing her upper arms and bent down to help her up. She took his hands, and he pulled her directly onto her feet and up into his arms. He enveloped her in an all-encompassing embrace. He soothed his hands down her back and hair, pressing her face to his firm chest. She inhaled the incredibly alluring scent of him.

  Her arms encircled his waist, stroking him and soothing him in a way which was both comforting and, she hoped, sensual.

  "I'm so sorry, Sinead, I can't apologise enough," he whispered against her hair.

  "I know you tried, but you couldn't help y
ourself. You see now why you have to look after yourself properly and not get out of balance. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me." She pulled her head free to look up into his eyes and touch his face gently.

  Austin shivered under her soothing strokes and he stooped to kiss her. Sinead longed for his lips to possess hers, but he merely pecked her forehead and allowed his arms to drop to his sides after holding her briefly for a second longer. Sinead could see that he was very concerned about how he had gone out of control and was very ashamed of himself.

  She broke the awkward silence by saying, "You're family are going to be here in a couple of hours. You'll want to be your best for them. Why don't you go up and have a bath and lie down? You can have a nap and then dress for dinner."

  She thought he might object to being given instructions, but the whole situation had obviously left him feeling drained. "I don't want to be selfish. There's still a lot to do before they arrive," Austin said quietly, looking at her for a brief second before fixing his eyes on the floor again.